Second Chances Don't Work...

[GB111]

So, my girlfriend left and dragged me through the mud for a month or so. I finally told her "do not contact me again", but ended up talking with her about a week later. We agreed to be friends, but there was clearly an undertone of love.

 

In any case, she showed up at my house later in the week, saying that she loved me, wanted to marry me, have my children, etc., etc.

 

Well, less than 1 week later, she called me and said "I don't love you any more. I don't want you to be around my son." Still, we talked and agreed to be friends, but she still said she was confused and didn't want to be with anyone.

 

Well, I found out from her Sister that she was still dating the "other man" and that she was going back-and-forth between the two of us. I asked her about this, and she claims it is untrue.

 

Well, enough damage has been done. I have allowed myself to be made a fool of. She has gotten everything she wanted. Well, I decided this AM to go NC, and mean it, as hard as it is. I can never trust her again, and once again it proves that a tiger never changes his (or her) stripes.

 

Word of warning to the folks looking for a second chance. If they cheated, lied, broke promises, whatever, they are unlikely to change. Not that it can never work, but I would certainly advise that you not open your heart too wide until you know for sure that your significant other has changed their ways. Just doesn't seem like it's worth it to me right now.

[CaliGuy]

Most of the time second chances don't work is because we rush to go right back into the same situation we were in when it ended.

 

Time needs to pass.

People need time to change.

They don't just change in a week. They may never change at all.

 

All you can do is take the time away, during NC to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. You may decide, when your confidence is rebuilt, that you don't want that person anymore anyway.

[GB111]

You know, CaliGuy, I KNOW you're right. It's so hard to follow the rules that you know are right. She needs to go off, have her little fling, and realize that I really loved her. In the meantime, I need to take care of myself and build up my self-esteem. I've taken a pretty serious hit the last 1.5 months, and frankly, there's not much in my life that I should feel bad about. I'm a successful businessman, have a beautiful house, and like to think I'm not an unattractive guy. Still, when you're in love, it's hard to follow good old fashioned common sense. I guess I just feel down because I'm 39 years old, and want to fall in love with someone.

 

I already know after only 1 day that I cannot let her back into my life as anything more than a friend. After what she's done to me, I will never trust her again. Walking in on her and another man is simply too much to ever forget. Oh well, I will swallow what little pride I have left and move on. In the long run, I like to think she'll regret it, and I simply won't be there. Of course, even wishing for that means that I still care about her, and with all due respect to the people on the site, I don't want to revisit other than to pass on whatever I learn from this experience.

 

Thanks again, CaliGuy. I'll know I'll get there, but wow, is this a difficult time. I've forgotten how hard it is to be yanked around. It's been some time since this happened before.

[coasting]

Hey GB111, hang in there....I am right beside you, pratically in the same boat.

I have to agree with Caliguy, as most of the time in a second chance we do jump right back into the situation...Trust me I just did it and had my heart broken for the second time in a 4 and a half month period...He yanked my emotions around because I allowed him back in my life without thinking of the over all picture....Your right a leapord doesn't change his spots.....I also have dicided to go NC, and am havinga very hard time adjusting to the NC rules...I try to occupy my mind just as soon as thoughts of him pop into it, with diversional activities, such as walking, going to my mother's house and really putting myself into my cleaning...these are things he never really did with me so there for I can get away from him for a while......I will always be in love with this guyu....but he does not deserve someone as wonderful as myself....and that is what I need to keep telling myself...we have a support system here at LS and I think we will be fine in due time....I know the second time is harder then the first but we can do it! Keep your chin upp and keep smiling!

[GB111]

Well, isn't it fun to go back and read just how strong we were going to be... Unfortunately, I didn't live by my strong words.

 

Ran in to my ex at the gym, talked with her a bit, she asked if I wanted to get back together, and I said I just wanted to be friends. Well, last Friday she came by (we were supposed to go out to dinner and talk) but she was too late. Stayed about 45 min. and said she had to go pick up her Son. Well, I checked where she said she was going (I know, sounds like stalking but she SWORE she wasn't with anyone else and I just didn't trust her). Sure enough, she was with the other man. This after telling me how much she loved me, etc. and that she wanted to get back together.

 

I realize now that we cannot be friends, which made her mad because SHE thinks we should be. How can I be friends with someone who obviously just wants to know I'm available for her. I can't be. At this point, I must move on, as much as I want to be with her. I'm definitely not ready for another relationship, and frankly, by the way she's treating the guy she's with now, neither is she. Oh well, I'm hurt all over again, and having to cope with the pain again, despite the fact that I know what I was doing was wrong. Oh, why doesn't logic work in these situations!

 

I figure she'll be back, but I have to work to not be available. At a minimum, the ball has to be in my court. I gather by that time, I won't love her any longer anyway, which would be GREAT. I hope God helps me to reach that point quickly.

[Guest]

I am telling you I feel the pain...I took my ex's word as well and did the drive by thing only to find him there...however I waited for him to come outside and proceeded to tell him what aloser he really was, and that if she wanted someone such as himself she could have him.....I do love him and always will....I am having a hard day today as it is his birthday and I am not there to celebrate it with him....oh well life will go on!

[coasting]

i understand completely what you are going through...I let my ex back in and on the day he told me he was leaving and going to his sisters to get his emotions together, he went right over to the other womans house...i had a feeling so I took a ride by only to find his truck there..I parked on the side of the road and waited for him to come out and when he did I told him what a loser he was...However I still do and always will love him...Today I am having a rough time as it is his birthday and i am not there to celebrate it with him, and I am not going to send any kind of wishes to him, which I want to do in the worse way but I need to maintain the NC.

[CaliGuy]

You know, CaliGuy, I KNOW you're right. It's so hard to follow the rules that you know are right. She needs to go off, have her little fling, and realize that I really loved her. In the meantime, I need to take care of myself and build up my self-esteem. I've taken a pretty serious hit the last 1.5 months, and frankly, there's not much in my life that I should feel bad about. I'm a successful businessman, have a beautiful house, and like to think I'm not an unattractive guy. Still, when you're in love, it's hard to follow good old fashioned common sense. I guess I just feel down because I'm 39 years old, and want to fall in love with someone.

 

I already know after only 1 day that I cannot let her back into my life as anything more than a friend. After what she's done to me, I will never trust her again. Walking in on her and another man is simply too much to ever forget. Oh well, I will swallow what little pride I have left and move on. In the long run, I like to think she'll regret it, and I simply won't be there. Of course, even wishing for that means that I still care about her, and with all due respect to the people on the site, I don't want to revisit other than to pass on whatever I learn from this experience.

 

Thanks again, CaliGuy. I'll know I'll get there, but wow, is this a difficult time. I've forgotten how hard it is to be yanked around. It's been some time since this happened before.

 

Read my guide on second chances. It will help you on your path. Just don't be in a rush to be loved. Let it happen naturally.

 

And don't kid yourself about ex's and their feelings of regret. As much as we'd like to believe that, they aren't sitting around pining for those they dumped, especially women. Once they make their minds up it's almost impossible for them to change.

 

The best thing you can do is work on yourself (as the guide shows) and get out and have fun. Make your life so darn fun that you don't need anyone else in it and that's most likely when someone will find you

[coasting]

hey I thought the same thing about you men..once your mind is made up that is it....I must be one of those few women that will give all I have to give for the person I love...but then again I like to think I would give anyone the shirt off of my back if the needed it.......I guess when you are in love with someone and they do not respect those feelings or return them, whichever gender they are, it seems to be we think that there mind is made up and that there is no changing it........call me a hopeless romantic but my mind could be changed very easily if someone showed me that they really and truly did love me in every sense of the word.

[CaliGuy]

hey I thought the same thing about you men..once your mind is made up that is it....I must be one of those few women that will give all I have to give for the person I love...but then again I like to think I would give anyone the shirt off of my back if the needed it.......I guess when you are in love with someone and they do not respect those feelings or return them, whichever gender they are, it seems to be we think that there mind is made up and that there is no changing it........call me a hopeless romantic but my mind could be changed very easily if someone showed me that they really and truly did love me in every sense of the word.

 

If you look back and read through the "my ex is back" post, probably 90% of them are men coming back to women. I am not saying women won't come back, it's just that they are less likely to make the kind of rash decisions men do.

 

Men tend to be reactive when it comes to relationships, ending it on a whim.

Women tend to take their time, slowly fall out of love and when they made a decision to leave, it's usually for good. And to top it off, they have a stronger support structure for men, which is usually a bunch of their friends telling them what a jerk the guy was and how smart she was to leave him.

 

Men just don't do that for other men.

[coasting]

points well taken....I can tell by all of your posts that you are a very unique and genuine guy....Someone was stupid to let you get away!

[CaliGuy]

points well taken....I can tell by all of your posts that you are a very unique and genuine guy....Someone was stupid to let you get away!

 

Thank you. I'm quite sure she doesn't feel that way and hey, she will reap what she sows

[coasting]

who really knows what the ex's are really thinking....most of them can't be honest with us, so how can they be honest with themselves?

[CaliGuy]

who really knows what the ex's are really thinking....most of them can't be honest with us, so how can they be honest with themselves?

 

My ex has the dream man she always wanted. Hopefully she can put up with his annoying chattermouth and constant bragging.

[coasting]

How can one be sure that the ex is with their dream partner...I am amazed at how well you are taking all of this...but I guess you must have your good days and your bad days as well as all of us.

I know I have those good days and bad days but lately it seems like it more of a minute to minute thing.....I honestly can't believe how heart broken I really am tonight...Tonight it feels so fresh all over again.

I know my ex is not with his dream partner... I honestly believe this man does not know where he wants or needs to be in life and I know that I deserve so much better..I deserve someone who treat me good and take me out for dinners and movies, but on the same token I know my ex will never have anything monetary wise as he is so far into debt....but true love is not always about things he can and can't give me...I know he is my dream partner. I know this because of that torch that is burning inside of me.....

Sorry to ramble on here, I did get carried away under someone elses post, but I guess I needed to vent...

[CaliGuy]

How can one be sure that the ex is with their dream partner...I am amazed at how well you are taking all of this...but I guess you must have your good days and your bad days as well as all of us.

 

I do have good days and not so good days. What I have accepted is I can't change what has happened. I've taken the focus off of her and put it on me, where it should have been all along.

 

I know I have those good days and bad days but lately it seems like it more of a minute to minute thing.....I honestly can't believe how heart broken I really am tonight...Tonight it feels so fresh all over again.

I know my ex is not with his dream partner... I honestly believe this man does not know where he wants or needs to be in life and I know that I deserve so much better..I deserve someone who treat me good and take me out for dinners and movies, but on the same token I know my ex will never have anything monetary wise as he is so far into debt....but true love is not always about things he can and can't give me...I know he is my dream partner. I know this because of that torch that is burning inside of me.....

Sorry to ramble on here, I did get carried away under someone elses post, but I guess I needed to vent...

 

But for now you have to accept things for what they are and let go. Focus on yourself and your needs. That's all you can do and soon you'll find yourself happy and having fun again, without him!

[Vertex]

I am quite serious CaliGuy, so many of your points are spot-on. It is interesting how human behavior tends to be predictable within these guidelines!

[CaliGuy]

I am quite serious CaliGuy, so many of your points are spot-on. It is interesting how human behavior tends to be predictable within these guidelines!

 

Thanks. Took many, many books and hours of Counseling to get to the level of understanding I am at now. And even then I am still far from being where I want to be.

[Vertex]

Why is it hard to follow so many of these "rules" though even though they logically hold? It seems like there's a lot of self-restraint involved. My only fear about no-contact however is that, for example, giving my girlfriend space when she is currently depressed will lead her to eventually move on from me instead of wanting to heal with me, but perhaps this is not possible?

 

My girlfriend admits that she can't control anything in her life except the relationship so she takes a lot of her stress and anger out on me. However I'd rather she learn to see the better side of things and not be sad all the time, but she wants to be alone... I feel like NC would work but I also feel like it could be final. This is what makes NC hard for me.

[Guest]

This is a Jerry Springer episode but I'll tell ya anyway to take your minds off your woes and all of you can have a good laugh....

 

I let my ex talk me into marriage 6 months after we began dating. I had doubts, cold feet, etc., - he talked me into marrying him anyway. I divorced him 5 months later. 4 months later he came back to me.

 

We got back together admitting marriage was rushed, etc. We lasted 8 months - he broke up with me (I still wanted NO committment - I didn't trust him and he's basically a conceited narcisstic jerk). 8 months later he starts calling me again and driving by my house. We decided to date, see each other on weekends only and it's back to the same ol crap everytime!!!!

 

He keeps coming back and I keep taking him back. It's finally ran it's course though - I'm burned out on him and have lost interest because he's predictable - he starts off being great then does a 360 and becomes an ass again.

 

I'm putting a fork in this sorry relationship - it's DONE!!!! Second, third, whatever chances......they don't work. Same pitiful issues are there, same resentments, no matter how hard you try the same crap that broke you up in the first place resurfaces! I'm proof!!!

 

When you break up with someone - run like hell, bury the dead and move on with your life.

[GB111]

When you break up with someone - run like hell, bury the dead and move on with your life.

 

Amen. The ex mentioned in my post earlier keeps telling me she loves me, misses me, wants to get back together, etc., then INSTANTLY pulls away. I am so tired of the games. Someone else can have her. Should have known better in the first place.

 

NC is ALWAYS the best solution. Once someone breaks up with you (or you break up with them), go away. If they love you, they'll come back, but you better believe that you're going to have the same problems. Maybe second chances can work after YEARS, but the sorrow of a lost relationship must be dealt with before any second chance.

 

I have allowed myself to be dragged around and played with for 2 months now. My feelings for her are dulled at best, and I finally got her to say that there was NO opportunity for us to get back together. Fine. I'm far too good for her anyway. Time to move on!

[CaliGuy]

Amen. The ex mentioned in my post earlier keeps telling me she loves me, misses me, wants to get back together, etc., then INSTANTLY pulls away. I am so tired of the games. Someone else can have her. Should have known better in the first place.

 

NC is ALWAYS the best solution. Once someone breaks up with you (or you break up with them), go away. If they love you, they'll come back, but you better believe that you're going to have the same problems. Maybe second chances can work after YEARS, but the sorrow of a lost relationship must be dealt with before any second chance.

 

I have allowed myself to be dragged around and played with for 2 months now. My feelings for her are dulled at best, and I finally got her to say that there was NO opportunity for us to get back together. Fine. I'm far too good for her anyway. Time to move on!

 

The thing about second chances is people often rush into them. You can not rush a second chance. You have to take your time and really re-learn each other all over again.

 

Never be in a hurry to pick up where you left off during a second chance or you will end up exactly where you left off

[GB111]

Well, I talked to the ex on Thursday of last week, told her we were just friends, she said she loved me and missed me. We seemed to be going to try again. Said she wanted to come by for Easter dinner.

 

Didn't call me over the weekend, so I went to her house on Saturday. She was cold as a stone. She was going out, dressed like a slut, and said she was going to a family party with her Sister. Well, stopped by on Sunday to say "hi". She was sleeping and was again, as cold as a stone. Said she was still planning on coming to dinner.

 

When she got to my house for dinner, she was still cold as ice. Stayed for 20 min. and said she had to go to her Sisters briefly to drop something off and would be right back. Need I say it? Never came back. Saw her on Monday at work, asked her what happened, said she left her phone in the car and her Son fell asleep. Needless to say, yet another lie. Oh, and I learned she really went out to a dance club, not to a family party. Lies, lies, lies.

 

Well, when I saw her yesterday, I asked her if we were in fact going to try again, she said "no". Gone again. Ok, so once again I've been an idiot.

 

All I can say is, despite my constant willingness to entertain her attempts to get back together then dump me, I have reached my wits end. Although I have been weak (being a vast understatement) about NC, I have finally realized that all of these high school games have done nothing but harm me, my self-esteem, and our relationship, if it was ever going anywhere to begin with.

 

I am happy to say that despite a very difficult time, I actually feel pretty good today, and have NO desire to speak with her. I have learned that every time I speak to her, I end up feeling worse. I had no idea this woman had it in her, but I cannot be a pawn to her ego any longer.

 

I genuinely feel that I want her out of my life. No, that's not what I want, but I can't have what I want, and I am pounding that in to my head. I have to move on, and frankly, she has no part in me making any progress. Perhaps in a few months, I will be curious to see how she is doing, but until I have NO emotion whatsoever, I refuse to deal with her.

 

Thanks to all of you for your support. It's so easy to break down when someone says they love you, because you want to believe it so badly, but it's usually nothing but an ego-boost at your expense.

 

I know how difficult NC can be; believe me. Just remember that as long as you continue to have contact, you are just prolonging and worsening your agony. Give up. One of the wisest pieces of advice I've read on this site was that the person who left you, left you, and THEY should have the SOLE responsibility in coming back to you and begging you for your forgiveness.

 

Thanks to everyone for your support. This site has been a Godsend, whether I have chosen to follow all the good advice or not. Thank you all.

 

Best,

 

GB

[CaliGuy]

One of the wisest pieces of advice I've read on this site was that the person who left you, left you, and THEY should have the SOLE responsibility in coming back to you and begging you for your forgiveness.

 

Very wise advice, GB. They are ones who left you and if they truly feel they made a mistake, neither hell or high water will stop them from pursuing you.

 

Sorry to hear it didn't work out. At least your mind is at ease to some degree. She sounds like a head case.

[Chinook]

Really wish it weren't so hard the realisation that they really are not coming back. Only you can take responsibility for your recovery. Go slow, take your time. There is no rush. Heal.