a long story, of a so far short relationship

[sullen_girl]

Wow, where to start this time?

 

I met this guy through a personal ad online, and we started tlaking, first on the internet, then on the phone. He goes to a good university near me (I am also a student), is very involved, is very intelligent, etc, etc. The first night we talked, we actually spoke from about 10:30pm until 5 am in the morning. We made a date for a couple of days later. The date went great, we had dinner, then coffee, and a lot fo conversation. I had to go because of rehearsal, but i was waiting for the bus to take me back to my university. Well, while we waited, we kissed...and then kissed some more...and then it turned into a full blown 20 minute make-out session right out in public at the bus stop.

 

Then, we decided to see each other the very next day. (yesterday) He invited me to come over to his university, to where he works for a while before we went to dinner with some of his friends. So, I came and met a lot fo his friends...then we had another little incident in his office, except much more serious, with some of my clothes coming off. We got busted by his friends, but we kept on teasing each other all evening it seemed. Then we even had a long talk about how things were going so fast, and about how serious the relationship was.

 

To make a long story short, we went to dinner (during which he didn't seem to notice I was there) and then went back to his place to play a board game with his friends and roomates. We both lost pretty quickly, and after a while, he kinda motioned for me to go to his room. I went, and once again, one thing led to another, except we were in private, and we went about as far as you can without actually having intercourse, let me say, just to not be vulgar. Afterwards, I asked to stay, but he said he had to get up early and didn't want me to have to as well. Cabs stop running in the area we live around 2, so, at 1:30 he called me a cab, and I went back to my dorm.

 

Now, he told me taht the next day we could go out, and his friend had actually invited me to come to his party with the guy I was dating as his guest. But, I never got a call from him...I kept waiting, and waiting...so, finally around 6 I call him and ask him what is going on. He said he had forgotten about something he had to do with his roomates right before the party, so he couldn't go with me. I didn't know what to say...I just said ok and hung up.

 

A few minutes after that I realised that I was mad as hell at him, but also upset, so I just wrote him an email, asking him why exactly he was acting so strangely, and why it felt like he was blowing me off after using me for a good time. I sit at home, feeling like crap...I want to call him, but I don't. He calls me, and says we need to talk. My email was justified, he says, but he wasn't trying to do anything like that. He honestly forgot about whatever it was that he had to do before the party, and was at the party right now, he had just gotten a chance to check his email there. He says we moved too fast, he feels, and that he couldn't even sleep last night because of it. He talked to a female friend of his, and came to the conclusion that we were just caught up in a moment. But he still wants to see me...he just isn't ready to not be single, and therefore isn't ready for all of the sexual stuff that had been going on between us. He is busy all week...I won't get to see him until Thursday. Even after all of this, which, quite honestly, I was thinking anyway, I felt like crying. He had to go though, thank god, so I didn't cry on the phone. (I'm just not the crying type...especially over something like this)

 

So what do I do? Can you really slow down things like that?

 

Does he seem to have good intentions? I don't know what to do...I just want to talk to him some more, but, I don't even know what to say...

[maria]

well i think that what his friend said could be right. but, think about it, he was very sexual at first so he might wanted to know what kinda girl you are so he can see if he can date you or not. maybe you guys did go fast....should of gotton to know him a lil better....but wait till you see him again and se what happens then. in the mean time dont call him or email him, let him look for you and that way you will know what he really wants.

[Danielle]

Whatever you do, don't pursue him. If he is a decent guy he will call you soon and try to work things out without you hassling him to contact you. Having said that, I think he sounds like a bit of a hypocrite. If he decided he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship with you because of things moving too fast, well he should take a look at his own behaviour. It takes two to tango.

 

I dont agree with maria's judgement that you "should have gottent to know him a little better" before making out with him. Sometimes you just have amazing chemistry with people that is hard to ignore! I really don't understand why people have issues with being sexually intimate after not knowing each other very long; you are both responsible adults, what's the problem? Regardless, his act of making plans with you then cancelling at the last moment (after YOU called) clearly show a lack of respect for you. If he was confused about things he should have told you earlier instead of playing with your emotions.

 

I know that there is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand with someone. But believe me, it is better to wait a few more days then forget about him and move on, then try and revive something that he isn't prepared to commit to. Good luck.

[sullen_girl]

Ok, so you both reccomend I don't call him? but what if I hadn't contacted him before? I never would have told him how I was feeling...and I would have never found out what the heck was going on. I asked him when we could talk again for a longer period of time, because he had to go kinda quickly last night. He said to call him around 12 or 1 today. Are you saying I still shouldn't call him now?

 

I can't not persue him...it goes against my nature. If I feel like I want to talk to him, and that I want to see him, I don't see what is wrong with that. I don't play hard to get, I don't play mind games in relationships.

 

And to address the suggestion that he was "testing" me to see if I was too easy or something...give me a break...he wouldn't have gone that far if that was his intention.

 

I plan on being very blunt with him today and on asking him exactly why he led me on, and then decided that we needed to slow down "a whole bunch."

[Danielle]

Well it's your decision on what to do. If he has asked you to call him, then go ahead. I would just never bother with a guy who couldn't be bothered calling ME. That's not playing games - thats finding out whether he has any genuine feelings for you. If you hadn't contacted him before, this whole thing probably would have been over by now and he wouldn't have been able to keep stringing you along. Obviously I dont trust him; I have seen this situation before and it's never a good idea to get involved. But control your own destiny. Ring him, ask him what's going on, then make your decision. Life's too short to waste chasing a guy who can't make up his mind.

[Michael]

Dear Sullen Girl,

 

I find myself in a similar situation to you but from the other side. I too really like a girl who has gone cold towards me after a very short, very passionate few weeks.

 

I met her and started seeing her regularly, we talked and texted each other often. Even after such a short time I know that she is everything that I want in a woman! There is only one way in which we are not perfectly matched: she parties too often. But then again I like to party as much as the next person, Just I like to do other things as well.

 

Anyway, every step of the way I was getting the right signs. I was being totally honest with her. I even told her that I was falling in love with her. We had discussions about how we thought it was too good to be true, and how we were so comfortable with each other and our families. All in the space of 3 weeks!

 

Then, I cooked her a fabulous dinner at my place. We couldn't eat it because we were simply all over each other from the moment we started eating. My appetite is usually huge, and they say you lose your appetite when you are in love.

 

We tried to make love that night, but I was incapable! I hadn't slept with anyone for about a year and the pressure was well and truly on. I was so nervous because I really liked her.

 

Now of course I have analysed this to death. Was it because she didn't turn me on? Do I have a problem? Finally I have decided that it was just that I really liked her and was too nervous to get back on the proverbial bike.

 

Anyway, the next day we went to her local pub (in england) some of her brothers friends were there and we did the pub quiz. A truly boring night made worse by firstly: I was coming down with the flu, and secondly: because as I was driving her home she announced that we were moving too fast and that we should slow things down. Simple as that, no further explanation. The last time I saw her! I left with a goodnight kiss.

 

I was busy the next day so didn't have much time to worry about it. But the following day I was in a state of panic. I texted her and phoned her until I managed to get her to even talk with me. When we did she just re-iterated that we should slow things down. I told her she could call me if she wanted a chat.

 

Then nothing, 2 days later I texted her to see when we would meet again. We arranged for the following week. Then nothing, until the day we were going for a drink she texted me to say she had a work meeting.

 

I had been absolutely frantic ever since we had had the slowdown conversation. Worried that i was losing her.

 

So when she cancelled I texted to re-arrange but got no response. So I wrote her a letter saying that I respected her feelings, but that I thought she wasn't giving us a chance and that she was blowing hot & then cold.

 

A few days later I sent her the following message: You played with me, if i can't see you it's over, goodbye!

 

Looking at this now, I know this was a bit harsh and intense, but it was how I felt dangling on a string.

 

She replied the next day with a letter saying that she thought we were incompatible, and that she was questioning whether I was the one too much.

 

I talked with her the day I received it and told her that we shouldn't end it there, that i was falling for her. But she said we could only be friends.

 

I have since written a letter that she will receive in a few days time. I say that I don't believe that she has no strong feelings for me and that we must see each other to resolve the issue. I told her that she was my best chance at happiness! She is!

 

What can I do? I have never felt this way about someone and I don't want to lose her.

 

michael

[sullen_girl]

Poor guy...but, I have to say, I think she just isn't worth your time. Just like the jerk I keep chaisng after isn't worth my time. I should take my own advice.

[Michael]

It is now over and there is nothing I can do about it. My heart tells me to continue, but I know that she doesn't want me. So I stop and move on, heal the wound and wait for the next time I meet someone special. C'est La Vie!

 

The chase must be on both sides!