Emotional balance

[TravelLight]

This is a difficult post for me and I would appreciate any honest guidance people have.

 

I have recently been through a difficult breakup (threads elsewhere) and initated some contact with my ex which stirred up a lot of emotions again.

I have noticed when these emotions are stirred in me my thoughts turn to self harm. When my ex. broke the news to me (we were up for many, many hours talking) the following morning I was absolutely distraught. All I could think of was ending my life and a threat was made in front of my ex.

 

There were many accusations from her and her family of emotional blackmail. I have carried this with me for a while and it has made me feel guilty at times. From my perspective, it was not a pre-meditated action to get her to stay. I really did feel like I wanted to end my life at the time because of the situation I was in.

 

For many months after the breakup I would sit in the flat on my own with a knife contemplating hurting myself.

 

With the renewed contact with my ex the feelings came back again and so did the thoughts. I certainly did not in anyway make threats to myself again in my contact. But after telling her that I wanted her to explain to me why she finished the relationship and that it was important for me to understand, she then said I was trying to make her feel guilty by putting importance on it. Well, it wasn't my intention.

 

Privately, my emotions were all over the place again.

 

I do want my ex to explain to me what happened and what I did wrong. I do want her to take some responsibility for what happened because she has had some effect on me being in a very difficult place now. I do not want to emotionally hurt her in any way. Regardless, it looks like she won't respond to any of my contacts now so I just have to walk away.

 

Have I been guilty of emotional blackmail, even at some sub-concious level? Do I have motivations that I'm not being honest about? Should I be looking at some drugs to level out my emotional state (not my preference)?

 

I do want to be around but I want to be emotionally strong and balanced for future relationships and not for people to think I guilt trip others.

[destination_unknown]

TravelLite, I have been in your shoes. Yes, you absolutely need to go to your doctor and have him refer you. Please do this. Call your family and ask for their support. You will feel an immense burden lifted by asking your doctor for help.

 

Do not focus on whether your actions during the break up were right or wrong, you absolutely need to focus on like you said, your emotional balance. You can figure the stuff about the break up later.

 

Please take positive action and seek some help. This is not something to handle alone.

[destination_unknown]

TravelLite, I also want to re-iterate from the other night, you can get through this, but you may need a little help. Don't try to do it alone. You can come out the other side and find a life that is happier than youve ever known before because every tiny good thing will mean so much to you. But please, please go see your doc.

[TravelLight]

Thanks D_U.

 

I'm fine I think at the moment (though it's been a real up and down few days). Just goes to show NO MORE CONTACT WITH EX. BAD MOVE.

 

I will be OK I think.

 

I just know there are going to be other times in my life where I have emotionally hard times and I come into contact with these kind of feelings and I don't want my reactions to be inwardly (or outwardly for that matter) hurtful.

 

I have read other threads about emotional blackmail and there are some very harsh views on it. I really don't want to be thought of in that way.

 

Do you think this is one of the reasons my ex. will not see me or speak to me or try and explain?

 

Anyways, that is not my concern I guess. I feel better just from writing about what happened. In some ways I haven't been allowed to explain my point of view (or it's not been acknowledged) and writing this helps.

[Clair]

May be you shouldn't ask yourself this question over and over again. Think to yourself, that you don't care about her reasons of leaving you. May be it's a question of her personal preferences, may be you were not made for each other, may be your horoscopes don't match. Just accept, that it's for the better. Like they say, God has another plan for you. All you need is to believe, that life will turn for the better. Change your focus of attention, take it off your ex girlfriend and put it on yourself. Don't worry about what anybody else thinks about you or your actions, you did the best you could under the circumstances, besides you are not perfect and don't have to be.