Advice needed

[Julia]

My boyfriend of a couple of months and I went on a weekend away this weekend.

 

on thursday, a day before we were due to go off, he said that it is almost certain that he will be going off to melbourne to do some stuff for a medics course in the army.

 

Well I was still sad when we left, and we spent lots of time talking about it on friday night, and respected his decision, and gave him my full support.

 

On saturday, he was distant all day, not holding my hand like usual in shopping centres, not being himself, talked rudely once or twice...

 

I mentioned this on saturday night, and said i was gonna give him space, coz he looked like he needed it, and i was telling him that he was distant and i didnt like the fact that he was talking rudely to me.

 

he then went to the shower, and i wrote him a letter, and when he came out and read the letter, with tears in his eyes he said he wasnt going to melbourne coz the army is stuffing him around and he wants to finish off his tafe course..

 

this is good, but today we had another time when he wanted to go straight home, even when he said he wanted to introduce me to his mother...i can understand him being a little shy at doing this, as he is 30, and this is the first time, but i got a bit angry that he changed our plans.

 

I now think that i have ruined what we had between us, by the stress of this weekend....

 

what can i do?

[Danielle]

If your relationship is strong it won't be ruined by a stressful weekend. I think that the past couple of days has, however, given you an opportunity to look at this relationship and your boyfriend in a different light. He obviously has a problem with communication (like most Aussie males - believe me, I can relate), but doing things like talking about introducing you to his mother then going cold again, or speaking harshly to you, are inexcusable. He is clearly at a difficult time in his life right now and you have been patient and supportive. But he needs to be consistent with his actions towards you or at least talk to you about his problems. If he continues this childish behaviour you should make it clear that you are not his emotional punching bag, and leave. Perhaps it will take a drastic measure like this for him to wake up to himself and finally appreciate you.

[Julia]

I understand what you mean Danielle.....its just i am so confused....

 

He wasnt acting too rudely, just saying stuff that he normally wouldnt say to me...not really nasty, just stuff i didnt appreciate.

 

If it wasnt for these periods that we had, it would have been a perfect weekend....We spent tonnes of time talking, on friday night, we talked about what would happen if he went to melbourne, and he said it was a really hard decision, and that i shouldnt think that he has not fallen for me, as i have for him.

 

He says this was an eye opener for us, and that we will sort things out, as we are usually quite good at communicating, but i am just so worried that i have ruined what he thought of me, as ive been quite emotional these last few days since he told me.

 

I am now under the impression that he is not going, but he changes his mind so much that im not sure what to think...

 

Got any tips on what to do until i see him on saturday?

[Julia]

My boyfriend of a couple of months and I went on a weekend away this weekend. on thursday, a day before we were due to go off, he said that it is almost certain that he will be going off to melbourne to do some stuff for a medics course in the army. Well I was still sad when we left, and we spent lots of time talking about it on friday night, and respected his decision, and gave him my full support. On saturday, he was distant all day, not holding my hand like usual in shopping centres, not being himself, talked rudely once or twice...

 

I mentioned this on saturday night, and said i was gonna give him space, coz he looked like he needed it, and i was telling him that he was distant and i didnt like the fact that he was talking rudely to me. he then went to the shower, and i wrote him a letter, and when he came out and read the letter, with tears in his eyes he said he wasnt going to melbourne coz the army is stuffing him around and he wants to finish off his tafe course.. this is good, but today we had another time when he wanted to go straight home, even when he said he wanted to introduce me to his mother...i can understand him being a little shy at doing this, as he is 30, and this is the first time, but i got a bit angry that he changed our plans.

 

I now think that i have ruined what we had between us, by the stress of this weekend....

 

what can i do?

[Tony T]

Changing plans cannot make you angry. Only YOU can make yourself angry. You have total control over your emotions.

 

If the guy wants to go home, let him go home for Gawd's sake. There is always a tomorrow. Why in heaven's name would you want to upset yourself about this?

 

Your guy is obviously under a lot of stress right now and you are not being understanding at all. When you're partner is under stress or going through some kind of problem, lay off the relationship crap, writing letters, giving space, etc. and just let him know you understand what he's going through and you will support him in whatever way you can. Then just back off and don't make such a big deal about it.

 

You haven't ruined anything. If what you did ruin your relationship, you didn't have much of one to begin with.

 

So just back off, be patient and understanding, and give this thing some time. If he doesn't get back to his old self in a reasonable amount of time, respect the changes in his personality. Then, if you can't put up with those changes, go find another boyfriend.

 

Just don't go around trying to change the way people feel and react to their problems. Hang in there if those people are important to you, and if they aren't just go your merry way.

 

And when he wants to go home, give him a kiss and tell him to drive safely!!!

[Danielle]

I would try not to crowd him, you know. Seeing him and talking to him obviously gets you emotional, so perhaps it is better to do what you initially thought of doing - give him space, and give yourself some time to get your thoughts together. Wait for him to contact you. Let him know that you care, but it really isn't fair on you when he keeps chopping and changing his mind. Obviously it's not his fault that he is at a crossroad in his life, and you have made it clear that you are there for him, but he should be sensitive to your emotions too.

 

Perhaps him acting out of character with you that weekend was a way of trying to distance himself from you? If he thought at that point that he could be going to Melbourne, acting oddly and creating tension may have been a way of making the separation less heartbreaking for you.

 

In any case, I wouldn't stress about how you reacted that weekend. Your emotions were completely natural and showed him how much you care about him and the relationship. Dont blame yourself for caring! I've done the same thing, actually... cried on the shoulder of a boyfriend then gone home and thought, 'god he's going to think i'm so stupid'. But they never do. Your boyfriend will appreciate that you care so much about your future together, and I'm sure this will influence his decision about whether to stay or go.

 

Let me know what happens.

[Julia]

Well first of all, if he did go to melbourne, we were going to try and stay together, coz he was coming back at christmas time....

 

but not to worry anymore, when i spoke to him on monday (he phoned me) he said he had made a decision on the weekend that he wasnt going to go, and then the army phoned that day and told him it was cancelled, so we have nothing to worry about.

 

when we saw each other today, we had lunch, and we had a great time, as a lot of pressure had been taken off our lunch, and we could think about us again.

 

I think everything is fine now, but we are getting to that stage, where somethings go wrong, and i know it wont be perfect at the moment, but we are both trying to work on those issues from the weekend.

 

thanks for your help