Not guilty--lied and feeling guilty for lying. (LONG POST)

[2sunny]

I'm just wondering if you read the previous posts abotu Pada's situation? It would be a horrible idea.

 

Since when do we advocate people jumping from one relationship to another?

 

 

BO-

 

I'm surprised that your reaction is this way when it is advice she was looking for based on the current AND past situations. Yes, I've read her posts, but time changes things sometimes, as does our outlook.

 

As far as "jumping" - she's not married....

[alphamale]

Neither of them can fullfill what lacks.

um, yeah pADA....I don't think you should be blaming these men. You should be blaming yourself because you're consistently choosing the wrong men.

[blind_otter]

BO-

 

I'm surprised that your reaction is this way when it is advice she was looking for based on the current AND past situations. Yes, I've read her posts, but time changes things sometimes, as does our outlook.

 

As far as "jumping" - she's not married....

 

 

Ostensibly, if you're married you won't be jumping at all. So I have no idea what you're referring to here.

 

But it is the height of unhealthiness to go from one relationship to another with no down time in between. This is true regardless of past issues.

 

You drag all the s*** from the previous relationship into the new one. I'm surprised you've never heard this yourself. Maybe you're younger than I am.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. One can't end a relationship and then jump into another one. Well, ya can, it just won't be a good healthy relationship!

 

People need to be on their own for a certain amount of time. Either to reflect, deal with the emotions and just BE.

[2sunny]

Ostensibly, if you're married you won't be jumping at all. So I have no idea what you're referring to here.

 

But it is the height of unhealthiness to go from one relationship to another with no down time in between. This is true regardless of past issues.

 

You drag all the s*** from the previous relationship into the new one. I'm surprised you've never heard this yourself. Maybe you're younger than I am.

 

 

Highly doubtful BO-

 

I am almost 45 years old, married for 20 years. I just think that when you are single the committment level is different than when a person is single.

 

Pada-

 

Thanks for your current outlook on the friend and Charlie. Just wanted to be sure you weren't overlooking a good thing out of habitual thought processes.

 

I think you have a clear idea of what both men can and cannot offer you. You have to decide if your needs and desires can live with compromise or to just find a better match down the road.

[blind_otter]

Highly doubtful BO-

 

I am almost 45 years old, married for 20 years. I just think that when you are single the committment level is different than when a person is single.

 

What does committement level have to do with what happens after a relationship is over? I'm just asking.

 

Because after the relationship ends there is no committment to anyone, anyways. That has nothing to do with avoiding jumping into a new relationship to spare the next guy all the crap you had to deal with from the ex.

 

I'm just saying.

 

Hell, I used to do it all the time. I started dating the guy I'm with now while I was still with the guy I was engaged to, who lived in Scotland at the time. That was a nightmare.

 

So I kind of know what I'm talking about.

[whichwayisup]

I just think that when you are single the committment level is different than when a person is single.

 

Huh? ... ...

[2sunny]

oooops!

 

I meant single vs. married - silly me!

[whichwayisup]

Are you talking committment level between people in relationships that are not married compared to people that are married?

 

It's apples and oranges. Some people who aren't married have the same mindset as someone who is married when it comes to committing and being in a relationship. Is that what you're meaning?

[blind_otter]

oooops!

 

I meant single vs. married - silly me!

 

Wait. What?

 

I still don't understand. Are you saying after divorce people behave differently that in break ups? What does that matter?

[basscatcher]

um, yeah pADA....I don't think you should be blaming these men. You should be blaming yourself because you're consistently choosing the wrong men.

 

hmm well men are like wolves in sheeps clothing. I have met, dated and been involved with may different kinds of men who walk in many different walks of life.

I often wonder if I am being too picky and looking for someone perfect? Even though I don't want perfection--that would be boring--but I do want to meet someone who can complement my cores needs and wants.

 

I think you have a clear idea of what both men can and cannot offer you. You have to decide if your needs and desires can live with compromise or to just find a better match down the road.

 

Neither of these men seem to want compromise with/for me. I surely can't survive sacraficing my natural needs and settle with either of them the way they are. I could find compromise with either if they were willing to see the fault and make a serious attempt to find a comfortable agreeable balance.

 

I don't think Charlie can obtain the intellect that my friend has.

Charlie is simple and a man's kind of man. His work involves independence and minimal social interactions except to obtain orders on what needs to be done for the client. His social group is normally people in bars, his children and his brothers.

My friend is involved with political issues and walks in different circles of people in the community and has a very broad and in-depth range of knowledge. His IQ is very high. I think I would bore him in time because I can't stimulate his intellect I can only question his to help me understand the subject matter or him.

 

I would love to meet a man who has both of their qualities but I have to be physically attracted to him. There are many qualities that I am attracted to in men I can't seem to find one that is muti-faceted and interested in ME solely..

[alphamale]

I think I would bore him in time because I can't stimulate his intellect

I am sure you could "stimulate" other parts of him....

 

There are many qualities that I am attracted to in men I can't seem to find one that is muti-faceted and interested in ME solely..

...and you would have to be multi-faceted and interested in HIM solely.

[a4a]

Pada I will say it again, you are looking for a knight in armor, they do not exist. They may seem to exist for a short time but before you know it that knight in armor turns into just another guy in a t-shirt.

 

You are now talking about your "summer alphamale" friend like you talked about Charlie. IMHO you have just put your focus on another man instead of yourself.

[basscatcher]

I am sure you could "stimulate" other parts of him....

 

I can very easily... That is what he says "you have a way with me that other women don't." If you knew out history you would understand this better. There is more to it. Some of which I haven't discovered.

 

...and you would have to be multi-faceted and interested in HIM solely.

 

I claim to be multi-faceted and when I AM in a SERIOUS relationship with someone I am SOLEY focused on him UNLESS he begins to push me away, then what I have went through the past 2 weeks, begins to happen.

[basscatcher]

You are now talking about your "summer alphamale" friend like you talked about Charlie. IMHO you have just put your focus on another man instead of yourself.

 

I disagree. I have no romantic agenda in my friend. He has become a source of strength right now on helping me focus on healthy choices for myself. He hasn't told me what to do. He has advised me to find solutions to the problem and when I make a decision to carry it through. He knows I tend to let my feelings guide me instead of my judgement.

I posted some of the stuff he said to me in email on another thread. His advice and wisdom is good so far.

 

I talk about LS all the time too, It is a focus for me right now. Whats the difference besides I can't take LS and have it hold me, caress me and look into my eyes but it is giving me logical and practical advice. I talk about LS as much as I talk about my friend.. Does that mean I have turned my obsession on LS as if its a man too?

[a4a]

I disagree. I have no romantic interest in my friend.

 

,< caress me and look into my eyes >

 

Does that mean I have turned my obsession on LS as if its a man too?

 

sounds a little romantic to me, and that you said something about old feelings stirring.

 

And I would say yes that you are obsessed (if that would be the proper term) in finding a man before you even find yourself.

 

IMHO of course.

 

You cannot expect a man or anything to make you feel whole, you can only expect them to enhance how you already feel about yourself.

[alphamale]

He knows I tend to let my feelings guide me instead of my judgement.

Then he should know that most women are the same in regards to their "feelings". Women are all about their own feelings and emotions....

[basscatcher]

sounds a little romantic to me, and that you said something about old feelings stirring.

Yes I did because looking into his blue eyes, feeling his arms around me (which I starved for when we were involved), feeling his touch reminded me of how much I missed it. Surely, as we all know, Charlie hasn't fullfilled this in me.

 

And I would say yes that you are obsessed (if that would be the proper term) in finding a man before you even find yourself.

I know what I want in a mate. I do know my wants, needs, likes and dislikes. The trouble I get into is not allowing myself to settle. I have a hard time letting go because then I will have NOTHING. I am a clinger to what I have even if it's not complete.

 

This comes from my childhood-being abandoned by my dad and coming in and out of my life like a yo-yo.. I cling like a child to a unstable situation.

When those feelings start to roll it is very hard to stop and step out of. Let alone recognising it happening. I generally don't see it happening until I'm full blown into the reaction. Clinging.....

 

You cannot expect a man or anything to make you feel whole, you can only expect them to enhance how you already feel about yourself.

I am self sufficient, I don't need someone to take care of me. I can pay my own bills, raise my child on my own with no help. I can take care of my house and everything else I need too.

 

I enjoy relationships because they give me feedback and food to grow on as a individual. I like everyone else thirsts to be loved and accepted. Most of us would like to share our lives with someone and have someone want to share their lives with us. If we don't have to walk alone in life the burden should be lighter in the things we have to do if we have a good partner. I want to be a helper and I want to be helped in what I do.

I want the give and take between two people.

 

My partner is suppose to compliment my, alreadym life; not complicate it. He should be a helper as well as a reciever in support whether it be mental, emotional or physical. We are suppose to be a two person team to make our already good selves better.

 

It's not about a missing peice of me to be filled.. It is about a additional benefit to the, already, me.

[alphamale]

I am self sufficient, I don't need someone to take care of me. I can pay my own bills, raise my child on my own with no help. I can take care of my house and everything else I need too.

The above may be true PADA.....but you are not emotionally self-sufficient. That is by far the most important.

[blind_otter]

hmm well men are like wolves in sheeps clothing. I have met, dated and been involved with may different kinds of men who walk in many different walks of life.

I often wonder if I am being too picky and looking for someone perfect? Even though I don't want perfection--that would be boring--but I do want to meet someone who can complement my cores needs and wants.

 

NO way you're too picky, erm, I'd think the opposite. No offense.

 

And it's important to look beyond the superficial. Yes, these men come from all walks of life but that doesn't mean they all don't have one thing in common. Besides being attracted to you. Emotionally distant men who are dependent on alcohol, if not daily, for certain things -- like opening up emotionally.

[basscatcher]

The above may be true PADA.....but you are not emotionally self-sufficient. That is by far the most important.

True--I on the norm feel very lonely. Even when around people or involved with someone.

 

NO way you're too picky, erm, I'd think the opposite. No offense.

No offense taken. I am picky and that is why I tend to end my relationships and not the other way around. I give most guys a chance to show me who they are and at times if not often I stay involved too long because I hold onto hope and make myself miserable constantly praying they will change. Fat chance.. You would think I would learn by now..

 

And it's important to look beyond the superficial. Yes, these men come from all walks of life but that doesn't mean they all don't have one thing in common. Besides being attracted to you. Emotionally distant men who are dependent on alcohol, if not daily, for certain things -- like opening up emotionally.

it only been since I moved to the Minneapolis metro from Fargo, ND that I have run across more emotionally distant men. Up north I ran into more alcohol and physcial abuse problems.

[hotgurl]

pada why do you need a man.

 

You seem to have such a strong need to have a man in your life it is blinding you. Can't you work on yourself and see what happens.

 

Why do need to be validated by a man so much?

[a4a]

pada why do you need a man.

 

You seem to have such a strong need to have a man in your life it is blinding you. Can't you work on yourself and see what happens.

 

Why do need to be validated by a man so much?

 

That was the point I was trying to make.....

[alphamale]

You seem to have such a strong need to have a man in your life it is blinding you. Can't you work on yourself and see what happens.

 

Why do need to be validated by a man so much?

I had an ex-g/f just like this HOTGURL....her validation and reason for being came from men.....she hopped from guy to guy without even taking a week's break in between. She ALWAYS had to have a man, no matter what. She had such low self-esteem it was sad.

[hotgurl]

I had an ex-g/f just like this HOTGURL....her validation and reason for being came from men.....she hopped from guy to guy without even taking a week's break in between. She ALWAYS had to have a man, no matter what. She had such low self-esteem it was sad.

 

and I bet she was really needy in the relationship. Always needing to be reaffirm etc...