Not guilty--lied and feeling guilty for lying. (LONG POST)

[basscatcher]

Ooookay. I thought you were making a blanket statement. I was like, woah nelly. That ain't cool.

 

Its ok dear... Your a great person with much knowledge, wisdom and experience.. I value your input even if I disagree of if I am not ready to accept such direct truth at the time..

 

I'm glad you expressed yourself so I could clarifly my statement.

I have erradicated the physcial assults in my life by removing the men who inflicted them. It is difficult for a abuser to change and takes lots of hard work, determination and many years of theraphy to change their abusive nature. I don't have that much strength and forgiveness to stand by over and over again..

 

Yuck. I wouldn't expect anyone too. Only a professionally trained therapists should be involved with that person over a long term close relationship.

 

Thanks...

[blind_otter]

Yuck. I wouldn't expect anyone too. Only a professionally trained therapists should be involved with that person over a long term close relationship.

 

Thanks...

 

Trained professionals with football padding!

 

 

I can imagine the therapy session. It's hard to give good therapy wearing a mouthguard and a helmet.

[basscatcher]

Trained professionals with football padding!

 

 

I can imagine the therapy session. It's hard to give good therapy wearing a mouthguard and a helmet.

 

:lmao: :lmao: My gosh I think I'm gonna pee my pants.. BRB.. Bthrm Brk.. :lmao:

[whichwayisup]

Trained professionals with football padding!

 

 

I can imagine the therapy session. It's hard to give good therapy wearing a mouthguard and a helmet.

 

That's hilarious!

[nicki]

I love your posts because we ALL deal with the basic questions you bring up. You are very thoughtful, Pada.

 

It's GREAT that you are trying to balance logic and emotions! It's not just one way or the other, is it? I am also learning to say both what I think (my interpretation of the other's behavior) and how that makes me feel.

 

I now express what I want and need, simply, without reservation. And f*ck it if it makes sense. It is what I want and need at the time.

 

So, if I was dating Charlie for six months, loved him, I'd want him to say "I love you" by then. If he wouldn't say it, that's okay. But I would probably leave because he either doesn't feel it, or has a problem expressing love. Both big problems for me. Things have to naturally progress, or I'm stagnant, too. But that's me. And with another guy, I might need completely different things.

 

I'm no longer willing to chip away at myself to be in a relationship. I got tired of figuring out if what I wanted "made sense." It makes sense to me.

 

So, if you need Charlie to say he loves you, I hope he does -- soon. As long as he's meeting your needs, then I understand how you want to work things out with him. We all have our hurts.

 

But our hurts aren't an excuse to either thwart our own needs or refuse to give someone else what they need because we are "scared."

 

Good luck with Charlie. I hope you can work things out, if that's what you both want.

 

That said, I'd be a bit leery if you were posting more problems about him in two months. I see a pattern. Hope I'm wrong. People learn and change. Just hope that happens in a timely fashion.

[witabix]

Witabix: Wow I missed your post. Amazing words you speak.. Thank you for them.

 

I put it all up on the table face up last night and Monday night. I feel everything is laying out there for him to see if he choses to look at it.

 

He acknowledged he understood and he agreed with me many times. He also layed things face up on the table last night and expressed some of his frustrations with me. I acknowledged them and agreed with him.

 

Now is the cool down time for us on all the talking to process, regroup and then act. If nothing takes place in I say reasonably 1-2 months I don't have much of a choice left. I put all myself out there and if he can't bend then I need to break. I can bend and I have been working on this long before he asked me too.

 

LS helped me to see it and start it. It is= lightening up, don't flood him with my emotions he can't handle it, be precise and direct, use logic words as much as possible instead of emotional/feeling words.

 

We are in neutral time now for processing and then time will come to administer it.

 

Witabix You always have very good and possitive supporting words.. I'm glad your here.

 

 

That sounds good to me Pada.

 

The only way to play the game, that way you can both make informed decisions about each other, and see your way to handling your own issues too. Keep it up.

 

Respect.

 

And I am verry happy to be able to offer something to you.

[basscatcher]

Tonight is a date night.. Charlie and I are going to met up with my gfs and one of his male friends is going to join us for a Birthday Party get-together for 3 girls. @ of them will be turning 21 at midnight and therefore will leave the club at midnight and return with their ID's and get in as legal age. This club is 18+. This will be the last Friday we have to chose to go to this club because of minors We will all be legal age now and can visit any club in the area..

 

We have waited for this since last summer. One of the birthday girls in one of my gfs daughters so we are really going to have fun..

 

Charlie won't be alone tonight either. He has a friend coming out to meet up with us so he has another guy to talk too. His friend is recently divorced and wants to step out in the world again.

 

I am looking forward to tonight. I need to get through today first. I don't want to be here at work. UUGGHH..

[Walk]

I just read your posts, so I'm sorry this is a few days after everyone stopped posting on here... I'll keep it short. (try to)

 

All of your posts still seem to say you are going to change charlie to be who you want.

 

The first big "talk" he got drunk enough that he couldn't drive home. That bothers me. Plus attempting to "force" you to comply with his wants and needs. (You said you've talked to him now about that.)

 

I don't get a sense that you are comprimising. Only that you'll wait a while to see if he catches up. Not sure if I understood this correctly though. Maybe you will accept less touch and see his displays of love as equal to what you've requested? Meet in the middle?

 

I think that right now you feel as though the relationship has been "talked" through, but if a lapse should occur you will react more strongly next time. I feel you may be feeling slightly high off the power of getting charlie to react to you. That you may sub-consciously be feeding off of that. I'm worried that since the trust is diminished, if the moment he doesn't tell you up front about something if it may push you down another month long road of hell.

 

That you haven't come to a solid area where the two of you have free flowing communications. I'm unclear as to whether you had asked Charlie the questions to determine his state of mind prior to deciding he was pulling further away from you. (You stated that he had been exhausted and stressed and then you got upset because he became more distant. I may have read that wrong though) Were you asking him to talk to you, or were you asking why he wasn't more affectionate with you. Those are very different questions. And cause different emotional reactions. How were you posing your questions? Were you asking questions to understand Charlie? Or asking them to soothe your fears?

 

Don't martyr yourself in order to "heal" someone who's dysfunctional. If you can't grow, or aren't getting your basic needs met, then end the relationship. You aren't his mother, or his psychiatrist. Stop martyring yourself for other people. You said he deserves a chance. Do so because he has the qualities and characteristic of someone you can grow with, learn from, heal together, and know that you can count on emotionally and physically. But your statement about helping the dysfunctional is too much like trying to be a saint. Giving up too much for the honor of being the better person. Which could also be a sort of power trip.

 

These are just what I see in your posts. I'm probably way off base saying these things. But they bothered me, and I wanted to point them out.

 

Sorry again for being so late in replying to this.

[basscatcher]

Well Friday night started out good. Then totally went under.. Charlie has been for the last week more affectionate and has paid more direct attention to me. He has started to open up about his thoughts and feelings.. (it seems without a struggle also.)..

 

BUT all that aside his behavior Friday night was beyond anything acceptancable to me or my friends.

He became so intoxicated he was pathetic. He slutted himself everytime I stepped away from him. He was grabbing at my gf's and aggressively pulling them towards him. He pissed 3 of them off and myself also.

I intentionally kept my distance from him from time to time because I wasn't accepting his behavoir. In the past I spoke up about it. Friday night I didn't say a word. I didn't correct him or warn him. I just let him be so he could show his true colors under the influence of alcohol.

He makes me sick.

He was bumping and grinding with one of the girls who was too drunk also when I stepped away. He appaulled me and disrespected me so badly.. He disrespected my gfs.

After we left the club I drove us to Charlies and I had a 2 1/2 hour conversation with his friend who came with us. After some discussion he agreed that Charlies behavior was totally unacceptable and I asked him if Charlie told him I am on the verge of ending our relationship. He said NO and he asked me NOT too end it. I told him that I can't take anymore of this shyt. I told him he disrespected me, he disrespected my gfs, he slutted himself around like a desperate horney drunk. He was an embarrassment to be around.. I told him Charlie is out of control and I am sick of it. He asked me again to not end the relationship. I told him that I can't live this way. I admitted Charlie is a good man but he has so many issues he needs to deal with and he needs to get himself straightened out. I asked him 'Do you think Charlie is ready for a serious, monogomous relationship?" and he said No. I said he isn't. but his friend still asked me not to end it.

I told him I am turning the corner and about to walk away.

 

(Charlie, in his drunkeness was barely sitting on the chair at the kitchen table while his friend and I talked.) I told his friend that I'm not getting into it with Charlie until the next day. He was too drunk to deal with.

 

And Saturday late morning after his friend left I tore into him. He couldn't remember the end of the night when he got out of hand. He didn't remember falling and hitting his back and head on the rail. He doens't remember grabbing and pulling my friends towards him aggressively. He didn't remember me driving home. I told him he was pathetic and disrespectful and that he severely offended my friends and me. I told him he made a fool out of himself and acted like a ass-clown. I told him he whored himself and it was disgusting.

 

I told him that he made me look bad in my judgement. I said "I'm out looking for a new job and if there could be a possiblity that a potential employer could have been out there and witnessed your behavior, seen me and figured out I was with you and recognised me in a interview from that night--'Do you think they would want to hire me?' I don't think so.

Why would you hire someone who choses to be involved with a drunk, who gropes on her gfs and allows it. What kind of morals and values does that make me look like I have???"

 

I told him he really F^ and I am not going to put up with it.. I walked out of the room and got myself ready to leave.

 

We went to get something to eat and hardly said a word to each other. He brought me back to my car and I went home. I have been stewing about this all weekend.

 

I decided I don't want him in my life. His behavior is way out of control and he has stepped over the line. I don't even have a desire to see him or even get involved with another man. I feel so disgusted, humiliatedx, betrayed and embarrassed. He makes me feel like puking..

 

He had potential, he was showing signs of slow changes and he seemed content with it. Then he does this drunken stupidness. Gawd he shot it out to hell. He lost. He left a huge, ugly, icky, bad taste in my mouth.

[blind_otter]

I am sorry you had to witness that.

 

I think it's time to think about that Beethoven! hugs, pada.

[Walk]

Pada, don't listen to Charlies friend. He isn't taking your best interests to heart.

 

Even if Charlie doesn't remember what he did, it doesnt' excuse his behavior. Don't forget that.

 

I'm sorry Pada. *hug* Time to free yourself from this problem.

[Art_Critic]

I am sorry you had to witness that.

 

I second that...

[littlekitty]

I'm sorry you've ended up here Pada. Hugs.

[basscatcher]

I haven't listened to Charlies friend. I reversed the situation and put him in it. He was able to see what I was saying upon looking at it.. He will not talk me into giving Charlie more chances. Charlie is done as far as I am concerned.

 

Alcohol or no alcohol, his behavior is uncalled for. He has no self respect so how can he respect anyone else. The alcohol only showed what was trying him internally. He is out of control. He has no self respect, He has no digniity, He is making unhealthy choices. He doesn't want me. He wants female attention period. It's not about me..

 

I have a feeling and I believe that his so-called female friends are the type that probably hang on guys all the time and sit on many guys laps flirting.

 

That is what Charlie actions show me. He wants attention in a greedy and disrespectful manner from women... He wants to man-whore himself...

 

It appalls me. It disgusts me. I don't want to be the female that everyone is mocking and laughing at behind her back because her man is whoring himself and she doesn't know it..

 

I'm ok.. I'm doing fine. I have a wonderful support system and the hell he put me through during the two weeks space time helped me seperate myself.

[alphamale]

Charlie is done as far as I am concerned.

I'm not sure if I really believe this statement...

 

He has no self respect so how can he respect anyone else. The alcohol only showed what was trying him internally. He is out of control. He has no self respect, He has no digniity, He is making unhealthy choices. He doesn't want me. He wants female attention period. It's not about me..

there is nothing many women love more than a nice fixer-upper project.

[basscatcher]

I'm not sure if I really believe this statement...

 

 

there is nothing many women love more than a nice fixer-upper project.

 

I only tolerate soo much and I quite. I did my part. I did my effort. I gave him chances..

 

Believe me this time Alpha..

[alphamale]

IBelieve me this time Alpha..

this whole cherade should have been over 4 or 5 months ago. I can't believe you saw him this wknd after all that stuff you wrote over past few weeks. Why are you even hanging out with him? I have to see both sides here even though I'm only getting your story.

[basscatcher]

this whole cherade should have been over 4 or 5 months ago. I can't believe you saw him this wknd after all that stuff you wrote over past few weeks. Why are you even hanging out with him? I have to see both sides here even though I'm only getting your story.

 

You may have seen both sides.

 

You can tell someone what you see although, until they see it themselves they won't find closure with the situation..

 

I didn't come out of this experience empty handed... I came out with more knowledge and experience.. I wil understand more of it as time goes by.

 

I had to complete the puzzle.

 

I am not really hurting about this.

I am more disgusted with him.

 

I am done with him.

I don't want to go out in public with him anymore.

I do not trust him anymore.

I don't want him around my friends.

I have no respect for him anymore.

What I was holding onto for hope has been burnt.

 

My last boundry was crossed..

[whichwayisup]

You're doing the right thing Pada.

 

Charlie is a goof! His decision to get that hammered was a huge mistake. Anyone who drinks that much and makes a fool of themselve and then doesn't remember the next day should maybe consider NOT drinking like that! He can't handle booze, that is for sure.

 

His loss now, not yours. He's proven that he really isn't willing to DO what it takes to settle into a long term relationship. With you or anyone else UNTIL he faces his own demons and deals with his issues. Not your problem anymore.

 

I think you reached your breaking point...Good for you!

[Walk]

This happened Friday, and it's Monday now... When are you going to officially end it with him?

[alphamale]

This happened Friday, and it's Monday now... When are you going to officially end it with him?

shes not going to end it with him!! can't everyone see that? PADA is and always has been attracted to guys like him. All this stuff that she's talking about is total bulls***. Her attraction to him is even higher than ever. She's using us for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on when her boyfriend does bad things. Can't anyone besides me see that???

[blind_otter]

shes not going to end it with him!! can't everyone see that? PADA is and always has been attracted to guys like him. All this stuff that she's talking about is total bulls***. Her attraction to him is even higher than ever. She's using us for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on when her boyfriend does bad things. Can't anyone besides me see that???

 

Wellll, I don't think she's mailciously using us. She needs help transitioning. It's good to have these outside points of view.

[basscatcher]

Yes. he broke my breaking point. I won't subject myself to his immaturity anymore. He was on the line for a long time.

 

He was showing signs of change and it seemed really natural for him. Then he goes and does this.. Ughh.. Even his friend told him to lighten up on the beer. He was downing them so fast.

 

I dreamt he crashed his Harley this weekend due to drinking. I have a feeling that in time he will drink and drive that thing and he will end up in a accident. He tells me he won't live past 50.. He just might not with the choices he is making..

 

He is more out of control then I thought.. I can't take that on..

I believe in helping out your SO when they are having problems but when it is so much sacrafice that it makes you unbalanced and unhealthy it's time to step off and let that person either learn their own lesson the hard way or let a professional councelor help them..

 

Charlie crossed the line.

 

I don't know if anyone can understand how disgusted I am..

[SmoochieFace]

shes not going to end it with him!! can't everyone see that? PADA is and always has been attracted to guys like him. All this stuff that she's talking about is total bulls***. Her attraction to him is even higher than ever. She's using us for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on when her boyfriend does bad things. Can't anyone besides me see that???

 

No s***. I see it plain as day.

 

As long as she has this incredibly low self-esteem and has this insane need to *help* dysfunctional people and neglect herself in the process she will continue to be stuck in this pattern of attracting and being attracted to losers such as Charlie.

[SmoochieFace]

I don't know if anyone can understand how disgusted I am..

 

Are you disgusted with Charlie or are you disgusted with yourself?