Not guilty--lied and feeling guilty for lying. (LONG POST)

[a4a]

Pada I have to wonder if Charlie is not a little slicker than what you give him credit for. Do you think that maybe this Fri night display was indeed on purpose? Passive Aggressive break up on his part?

 

I don't think he was ever ready for a deep LTR. I think he is busy having fun.

 

My bet is he will try to put you into the same category with the other ladies in his life now that the "hot and deep" thing is over. FWB attempt.

 

He is actually pretty good at this isn't he?

[Walk]

Pada, the longer you wait to end this the harder it's going to be. You need to end it now. Asap. Not wait a week or two.

 

If you wait, all these bad feelings are going to lessen, he'll have time to come up with excuses and reasons why you shouldn't dump him. You'll be more prone to accepting his side. You'll start to question how bad his actions were, and whether he was responsible.

 

Just end it. Now. If you are disgusted with him, then why haven't you finalized this relationship yet? Are you waiting for something? Is there some reason that you believe post-poning this will help?

[blind_otter]

Well, when you ARE in the mood you just let me know, all righty? I think some *directness* will do you wonders... and lots of self-work would prove to be quite nifty too.

 

I am reminded of the old saying "That's like the pot calling the kettle black."

 

for some reason.

[alphamale]

Just end it. Now. If you are disgusted with him, then why haven't you finalized this relationship yet? Are you waiting for something? Is there some reason that you believe post-poning this will help?

you know....I am disgusted right now! and really pissed....I'm starting to feel like the sucker "friend" of the woman who loves to date a-holes and comes to me crying on my shoulder every time her "bad boy" b/f acts up and beats the crap out of her or treats her like s***...

 

oh PADAs gonna run to alphamale and everyone else on LS when ever things go wrong...booo hooo hooo!!! but then after she's done with her fit then she goes back to the a**h*** for more punishement.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin baby....I know whats going on here now.

[2sunny]

Here is the bottom line at this point -

 

If the good does not heavily outweigh the bad, then bail on the relationship.

 

While you are dating it should be more fun than this, IMHO.

 

It should be the most pleasing part/time of knowing someone, if it is more trouble and concern than fun, then it is time to jump ship....

[basscatcher]

Here is the bottom line at this point -

 

If the good does not heavily outweigh the bad, then bail on the relationship.

 

While you are dating it should be more fun than this, IMHO.

 

It should be the most pleasing part/time of knowing someone, if it is more trouble and concern than fun, then it is time to jump ship....

 

Exactly, Thank you for injecting a calmer point..

I have been moving my ship closer to shore (so-to-speak) because I haven't had a life jacket.. I have jumped ship.. Now a few don't think I have..

 

There are too many skeptics in here. It doens't matter which way someone goes there are people who never be pleased with the outcome of things.. Good or Bad. They just want something to bitch about.

[2sunny]

Exactly, Thank you for injecting a calmer point..

I have been moving my ship closer to shore (so-to-speak) because I haven't had a life jacket.. I have jumped ship.. Now a few don't think I have..

 

There are too many skeptics in here. It doens't matter which way someone goes there are people who never be pleased with the outcome of things.. Good or Bad. They just want something to bitch about.

 

 

Pada -

 

Setting the defenses aside for a few minutes since this seems to have created a lot of "heat" in the kitchen, think about what advice you would give if this was your daughter's situation...

 

This may make it a bit easier to see what outcome you need.

[basscatcher]

Pada -

 

Setting the defenses aside for a few minutes since this seems to have created a lot of "heat" in the kitchen, think about what advice you would give if this was your daughter's situation...

 

This may make it a bit easier to see what outcome you need.

 

I understand women have more attachment emotions to go through when disconnecting. Men are, typically, cut and dry .

 

I surely wouldn't be bombarding with lashes of 'I-told-you-so'. Types of words and I surely would be degrading her for making slow or bad choices..

 

It is Holy Week isn't it.. Hmm The Passion of Christ..

 

O" Hell ya Keep flauging me boys. Maybe you can crucify me too... Hmm.

Bring it on.. WTH.. Make a martir out of me....

Go for it...

 

Crucify ME... Blame me, Torture me.. Flaug me.. I am human. I bleed, I hurt, I make wrong choices... Take the knife Charlie stuck in me and turn it hundred more times.. Lets go...

[blind_otter]

 

I hate to see someone in pain. And it makes me angry to see others exploit this.

[2sunny]

I understand women have more attachment emotions to go through when disconnecting. Men are, typically, cut and dry .

 

I surely wouldn't be bombarding with lashes of 'I-told-you-so'. Types of words and I surely would be degrading her for making slow or bad choices..

 

It is Holy Week isn't it.. Hmm The Passion of Christ..

 

O" Hell ya Keep flauging me boys. Maybe you can crucify me too... Hmm.

Bring it on.. WTH.. Make a martir out of me....

Go for it...

 

Crucify ME... Blame me, Torture me.. Flaug me.. I am human. I bleed, I hurt, I make wrong choices... Take the knife Charlie stuck in me and turn it hundred more times.. Lets go...

 

 

I am not here to make you feel any worse for your situation, just to encourage you for the best outcome, whatever you choose what that may be.

 

Only you can understand what will make you the happiest in the long run...

 

I am giving you a great big hug right now!!!!

[Walk]

If Pada had not taken our advice into account she would be still dating him and thinking that she was the problem.

 

She may not believe she's the problem, but she's still dating him. She hasn't ended it yet. Not one mention of them breaking up. Only that she's disgusted with him. Nothing about how she's going to call him or anything to officially end it.

[SmoochieFace]

She may not believe she's the problem, but she's still dating him. She hasn't ended it yet. Not one mention of them breaking up. Only that she's disgusted with him. Nothing about how she's going to call him or anything to officially end it.

 

See, and that's why some of us are thinking that it really isn't *over*. She hasn't made a firm and unwavering decision here.

 

I see this as the typical dysfunctional co-dependent relationship. What's sad about this is that the parties aren't doing anything to address their co-dependent tendencies and as long as they aren't dealt with the pattern will perpetually continue. All the *love*, *kindness*, and *goodness* in the world isn't gonna change the dysfunctional foundation here.

 

When are the co-dependents gonna realise that they will be happier when the co-dependency is dealt with BEFORE getting involved with another person?

[blind_otter]

I personally don't even see why she has any responsibility to report on her actions or decisions to anyone.

 

But that's just me.

[2sunny]

I personally don't even see why she has any responsibility to report on her actions or decisions to anyone.

 

But that's just me.

 

 

I'm not sure this is the way she feels BO -

 

I just think her posts reach out for some direction or a perspective she may not be considering at the time.

[SmoochieFace]

I personally don't even see why she has any responsibility to report on her actions or decisions to anyone.

 

But that's just me.

 

She doesn't have any responsibility to *report* anything to anyone - she chooses to do so. We ALL do that. And since this IS a public forum people are going to respond - and not all responses will be what she wants to hear.

 

I know I have heard things that I didn't *want to hear* but that's life... you learn to deal with it.

[blind_otter]

I'm not sure this is the way she feels BO -

 

I just think her posts reach out for some direction or a perspective she may not be considering at the time.

 

Perspective? Sure. Direction? No way. That's unethical, irresponsible, and just an all around bad idea.

 

It's hilarious that people are pointing fingers at her for being so easily led by Charlie, while attempting to lead her themselves.

 

Rule #1, in learning how to live a sober life, is learning how to make your own decisions and deal with your own consequences.

 

She's not a child. She's 37 years old. Let her live her life, make her mistakes,

 

People who grew up with abuse are quite adept at placating other people, adn that's all you guys are going to get her to do right now.

[Walk]

Pada.

 

Not an attack, or attempt to hurt. Just thoughts on the post.

 

I think you need to take action on this. Waiting and postponing could cause you to second guess what you feel to be true now.

 

I acted as charlie did several times with an ex of mine. I was fine as long as I wasn't drinking, but when we'd go out, I'd drink too much. I'd flirt with every guy, wouldnt' hardly give my ex the time of day. Then say I didn't remember any of it. Which I didn't.

 

Problem was, I didn't really love the ex anymore. I cared for him. But those feelings of love weren't there. I wanted more. I wanted to have fun. I didn't want a rocky relationship where my ex was always upset with me. I wanted to have fun, have attention paid to me, have some one think I was great. Just not the ex.

 

Don't make excuses for his behavior. I think his words and actions are matching anymore. They were at one point, but not for the past couple of months now.

 

Last suggestion. Get off of LS for a while. day or two. Write in your journal. You haven't been happy in a long time. YOU deserve to be happy. Do what you need to in order to find your happiness. But I don't think it's in your best interest to stay on here at this time. Go punch some boxes or something. Go for a walk. Something physical would be best. But get off of here.

 

*hug* I didn't mean offense Pada. Just worried about you.

[whichwayisup]

Back ON regular topic without the snipping and sniding remarks.............

 

Pada, you do what you need to do. Charlie is putting HIS needs first, his actions or non-actions have shown this. So, you do the same thing. Put your needs first! Your well being is much more important!

[SmoochieFace]

Charlie is putting HIS needs first, his actions or non-actions have shown this.

 

Yes he is and he is being himself and he shouldn't have to change who he is. PADA needs to get the idea of changing him out of her head as it is a fruitless exercise.

[basscatcher]

Back ON regular topic without the snipping and sniding remarks.............

 

Pada, you do what you need to do. Charlie is putting HIS needs first, his actions or non-actions have shown this. So, you do the same thing. Put your needs first! Your well being is much more important!

 

I'm well aware what Charlie is doing. Problem is he doesn't.

I can see what he is doing. But I choose to not be brought down in the process. He is going down a unhealthy path and can't see it.

I knew there was a line and until he crossed it I wasn't ready to give up.

 

He crossed it. He is on his own.

I told him I am done. I'n not going to put up with it again.

 

Like it was said before: he needs to figure himself out. He is no good for any women in the f^ situation he put himself in. He is no good for even himself right now.

 

I said all I needed to say to him. I put him in his place, told him what I see in him, told him how he made me feel friday night and I'm sick of it.

 

I won't hold his hand, I can't be by his side anymore.

 

Its sad because he was showing signs of improvement until he went on his drinking binge and made a fool out of himself..

 

I am taking care of me first.. I am back to reading again. I started a book called "You can't afford the luxury of a negative thought". It has helped me and my friend has spoken about the book "The path of the least resistance". I think I'm gonna go track that one down too.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm well aware what Charlie is doing. Problem is he doesn't.

I can see what he is doing. But I choose to not be brought down in the process. He is going down a unhealthy path and can't see it.

I knew there was a line and until he crossed it I wasn't ready to give up.

 

He crossed it. He is on his own.

I told him I am done. I'n not going to put up with it again.

 

Like it was said before: he needs to figure himself out. He is no good for any women in the f^ situation he put himself in. He is no good for even himself right now.

 

I said all I needed to say to him. I put him in his place, told him what I see in him, told him how he made me feel friday night and I'm sick of it.

 

I won't hold his hand, I can't be by his side anymore.

 

Its sad because he was showing signs of improvement until he went on his drinking binge and made a fool out of himself..

 

I am taking care of me first.. I am back to reading again. I started a book called "You can't afford the luxury of a negative thought". It has helped me and my friend has spoken about the book "The path of the least resistance". I think I'm gonna go track that one down too.

 

I take this to mean that the relationship is OVER. Congratulations are in order. I think you are doing the right thing.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope you will find a man who is REALLY right for you.

[Lishy]

I am glad that you have seen the 'real; Charlie Pad! It may hurt but its best to find out now and not in a few years when you have kids and live together!

 

I think a lesson for the future is to listen to your gut instinct and to take someone for who they are and decide if you can be in a relationship with a guy like that. You cant change someone's basic personality and it is not your job to 'fix' someone who is broken.

 

You will find the right one for you honey!

 

Oh and I also advise that you stay away from your alpha male friend .... He has played you, he knew what he was doing and that is a fact! He is no friend!

[witabix]

I'm well aware what Charlie is doing. Problem is he doesn't.

I can see what he is doing. But I choose to not be brought down in the process. He is going down a unhealthy path and can't see it.

I knew there was a line and until he crossed it I wasn't ready to give up.

 

He crossed it. He is on his own.

I told him I am done. I'n not going to put up with it again.

 

Like it was said before: he needs to figure himself out. He is no good for any women in the f^ situation he put himself in. He is no good for even himself right now.

 

I said all I needed to say to him. I put him in his place, told him what I see in him, told him how he made me feel friday night and I'm sick of it.

 

I won't hold his hand, I can't be by his side anymore.

 

Its sad because he was showing signs of improvement until he went on his drinking binge and made a fool out of himself..

 

I am taking care of me first.. I am back to reading again. I started a book called "You can't afford the luxury of a negative thought". It has helped me and my friend has spoken about the book "The path of the least resistance". I think I'm gonna go track that one down too.

 

Really sorry it didn't work out Pada, peace.

[littlekitty]

Pada, I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you would have hoped for. I personally feel you gave the relationship too many chances, but I understand the need to stay there until the last ember of hope is distinguished. I have done this myself all too often.

 

I'm glad you have reached a point of no return, and are now doing what you need to do for yourself.

 

We have watched and listened as your story unfolded in the last months. I honestely believe that things should be easier when it is truely right between two people. The relationship seemed to struggle so much even from the get-go in many ways. From your uncertainty about how attracted you were to Charlie, to his lack of affection and your issues with the other women in his life.

 

I hope you can move on from this and find the happiness that you so truely deserve in your life. Best wishes, LK.

[Silas25]

 

If we all bailed on dysfunctional people how would they ever grow? How would they ever know whats wrong that others see? Where would they get support?? Truthfully, where would we be??Are we perfect? Don't we have our own faults? If everyone ran away from us because we had problems where would we be??

 

Amen! I have to agree! We are not all perfect and we are not all free of our own issues/faults. But if everyone would just ran from us or never try to be here for us, how would we ever be better people? I know that being true to one self is and should be the most important part of our person, but if there is no one to help us to strive to be a better person aswell, how would we ever continue to grow in a relationship or life? Even when relationships don't succeed we still grow....but would you run from it from the start without knowing what this person can or will teach you about yourself or life?...no.

 

Yes in hindsight I know I have thought what the heck was I thinking! But I learned, and I will always remember those lessons...

 

Silas25