Not guilty--lied and feeling guilty for lying. (LONG POST)

[EnigmaXOXO]

Even when relationships don't succeed we still grow....but would you run from it from the start without knowing what this person can or will teach you about yourself or life?...no.

 

I think the older you get, and the more experience you gain with understanding yourself and other people, the shorter that learning curve becomes when deciding whether or not a relationship is worth the risk.

 

Sure, there are always lessons to be learned … but it's never very helpful to our growth if we find ourselves repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again.

 

Whenever we enter a new relationship, there is always hope. Particularly in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. We often gloss over or ignore some of the major warning signs we learned from past lessons … only wanting to see the best in the other person so as not to spoil our fantasy. Of course, everyone has potential. But always, that potential we see in another person is based solely on our own personal expectations. And it never fails, that when someone falls short of living up to our ideals … we either blame them or blame ourselves for somehow not being good enough.

 

At this point in my life (having learned what I learned) I would absolutely "run" from a potential romantic partner who needed to be "inspired" by someone else in order to do the inside work necessary to grow and be happy with themselves. As intolerable as it may seem to some, when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm not interested in changing or fixing anyone; becoming a martyr; or turning another human being into my pet 'project.' Too much work! And, for me, those are all the wrong reasons to involve yourself with someone or hang onto a dysfunctional relationship that fails to mutually satisfy. Unless of course, you're being paid to mentor or council someone on a professional level.

 

Nope. Don't want to be a hero … just an equal. And while I may genuinely like someone and enjoy their company (in tolerable doses), it doesn't necessarily mean we were cut out to be compatible partners or that we should have to browbeat (or change) each other to suite our own liking. We all have and can accept certain flaws … but there are some you've already learned (by trying in the past) that you just can't live with.

[Silas25]

I think the older you get, and the more experience you gain with understanding yourself and other people, the shorter that learning curve becomes when deciding whether or not a relationship is worth the risk.

 

Sure, there are always lessons to be learned … but it's never very helpful to our growth if we find ourselves repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again.

 

 

Very True.

 

At this point in my life (having learned what I learned) I would absolutely "run" from a potential romantic partner who needed to be "inspired" by someone else in order to do the inside work necessary to grow and be happy with themselves. As intolerable as it may seem to some, when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm not interested in changing or fixing anyone; becoming a martyr; or turning another human being into my pet 'project.' Too much work! And, for me, those are all the wrong reasons to involve yourself with someone or hang onto a dysfunctional relationship that fails to mutually satisfy. Unless of course, you're being paid to mentor or council someone on a professional level.

 

In what I said wasn't meant to say to become a marytr or a pet project. I should have elaborated some more...I was thinking along the lines of helping each other with some of those faults and insecurities that plague us all. If there is a way to better understand your partner and it can make it better, you would not run, but stay and do what you could to support as long as you can count on that same support back. In some of what Pada says this is not true in her case....but it could be if he was willing too.

 

But I would agree that it would still have its limitations. I would not want to put myself in a situation were I would "loose myself" to save someone else that may in the end not be meant for me or cannot be "saved from themselves". Everyone has to want to "change" those things about themselves too...

 

Silas25

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yep, Silas.

 

And sometimes, no matter how careful we try to be, we find ourselves dealing with new relationship issues and personal idiosyncrasies we've never had the pleasure of experiencing before. And again, for better or worse, like it or not, we end up learning something new each and every time.

 

So many lessons tend to make one a bit twitchy after a while (just wait till you're my age!) … but I always found it amazing how we manage to survive the worst of it (all the wiser for having gone through it) and live on to fall in love all over again another day.

 

I think so long as each new relationship we enter is better than the last, than we're doing okay.

 

Next!

[Silas25]

Yep, Silas.

 

And sometimes, no matter how careful we try to be, we find ourselves dealing with new relationship issues and personal idiosyncrasies we've never had the pleasure of experiencing before. And again, for better or worse, like it or not, we end up learning something new each and every time.

 

This I can atest too from personal experience too! My last bf compared to my current....totally different ends of the spectrum. But I know what you mean. I believe that is how we learn what we can and can't deal with for the rest of our lives when it comes to someone else.

 

I think so long as each new relationship we enter is better than the last, than we're doing okay.

 

Yeah that is when you know the lesson are very well learned! I know I learned alot of what I can't do or don't want from my last relationship. So my current one has been different.

 

I hope everything is well Pada and you have been just keeping busy....

[basscatcher]

After work yesterday I went straight to Firstone and had two nw tires up on the front of my car with an alignment. I then stopped at Dairy Queen and picked up supper. Went home. Fast forwarded soapoperas on tape. (boring) grabbed my book "You can't afford the luxury of a negative thought" crawled into bed at 8:30pm -turned out the lights at 9:15pm and slept till 1:30 (dehydration-drink of water) got up at 5:50am and to work I came.... I didn't peak into LS until this hour.. I am just dead and don't really feel like being very social.. So much happening in the past 2 months between my personal life and work.. I feel like I'm burning out. I don't even want to answer my phone because I don't want to deal with someone else's (close friend or family) problems right now.

 

I just need downtime, away time, quiet time, I spent 1 1/2 hours in church praying Monday evening. It was quiet--peaceful..

 

I wish I had a river to sit next too like I did when I was a child when things got hard.

[EnigmaXOXO]

After work yesterday I went straight to Firstone and had two nw tires up on the front of my car with an alignment.

 

Reminds me of the saying:

 

"If it has tires or testacies, it's gonna be trouble!"

[basscatcher]

Reminds me of the saying:

 

"If it has tires or testacies, it's gonna be trouble!"

 

Exactly!!

 

And the thing with tires needs brakes (99% gone) and the testacies person whom I requested to work on it needs to open his schedule ....

[blind_otter]

Exactly!!

 

And the thing with tires needs brakes (99% gone) and the testacies person whom I requested to work on it needs to open his schedule ....

 

Well, I've been sending you good vibes, pada. And even in your confusion, you really helped me change the way I was thinking about my Dad passing away. Thanks for taking the time to help.

[basscatcher]

Well, I've been sending you good vibes, pada. And even in your confusion, you really helped me change the way I was thinking about my Dad passing away. Thanks for taking the time to help.

 

When we have been in someone else shoes with such uncanny familiarity we can give good feedback. (Provided we have healed from it and learned from the experience...)

 

This may sound odd but when I am stressed out (almost like the fight or flight response mech is kicking in.) I see things better, work more efficently, and can get more done. Especially, when my stress is anger..

 

Anger for me is fuel. I can whip the whole house together in no time when I'm pissed.

[Art_Critic]

Well, I've been sending you good vibes,

 

Same here...

[basscatcher]

Thank you...

 

Send rays of contentment in my heart because I really need it.

 

I want to feel peace again.

 

I want to feel happiness.

[whichwayisup]

You will get there! It's just going to take abit of time to get there. Have your bad days, accept them as that - And live for your good days, thrive off of that energy when things are going well and you're feeling happy.

[Lishy]

You will be fine baby! We girls need men like we need a big fat hole in the head!

 

We just need to find happiness within ourselves and then get a man who is perfect to compliment our own inner happiness!!!!

[Spectre]

why did this thread go 18 pages? In the first page she speaks of letting some "friend" give her back massages all the while ignoring her bf. If you wanted to get rid of him, tell him what you were doing, since you shouldnt of been doing it, problem solved.

[basscatcher]

why did this thread go 18 pages? In the first page she speaks of letting some "friend" give her back massages all the while ignoring her bf. If you wanted to get rid of him, tell him what you were doing, since you shouldnt of been doing it, problem solved.

It's apparent you don't know the whole situation and aren't understanding the point of why it happened.

I am not so cruel to say such a thing to inflict intentional hurt upon the Xbf.. He was the one ignoring me.

Read previous thread please before injecting. I quoted at the beginning 'for those who know my situation.'

I view what happened as a wake-up call and a test.

I didn't cheat..

I value myself to be the kind of person that reveals everything in which I have been told that some things are better left unsaid. (even by a therapist at one time. If no real harm or betrayal has been done then there is no need to inflict vindication or hurt upon someone.)

Because my Xbf feels it is ok to hang on, grab, and flirt with other women in front of me and by telling me that doesn't give me the right to do the same out of spite.

Thank you.

[TeaCooler]

i kinda see it as this: he doesn't call at the time you demand, so you're mad. it's okay that you put your friend going to austria before him, but he can't put his brother before you. so you're mad.

 

and so you go and play footsie with some guy you would never have a relationship with, but that you had a relationship with...and currently have sexual tension with.

 

jeez. at least be honest with yourself.

 

it's possible you don't need or want him at all.

[nicki]

So, are you detaching yourself before you officially break up with him?

 

I can understand that...Just be careful. It's your decision. You will leave him when you are ready...It took me years to leave a crappy husband. But I always appreciated people telling me I should. It's just something you can only do when you feel ready.

 

May I make a suggestion? Write down a brief list of the things you hate about charlie. Read it every day. Stay grounded in reality. When he begs you to come back, stay strong. Read your list...Stick with actions -- his past ones and your own future ones.

 

Watch out for over analyzing. I think most of us from abusive backgrounds do that because we didn't learn skills as children. So we read a lot of self-help books to learn now...a good thing...but you still need to take action...

 

We are all here for you! We support you without attachment to what you do. I really understand that from your perspective.

 

I think that some posters are upset that you won't leave charlie. They obviously want better for you, too, and feel they have given you some good perspective...and they are frustrated for you...even if they are wording things strongly....and they have a point. Maybe, when you are ready, you can look at how you contribute to relationship problems...(said gently with love:love: )

 

I know that I got better at relationships when I saw my own part in the dynamic. Even if it was just that I stayed too long or allowed too much crap...