Are these signs of an abusive man

[confused _one]

Ive been currently with my boyfriend for two years and the emotional abuse just escalated in the last year so much that its just heart breaking because I love him to much to leave.

 

Manipulating

Emotionally abusive to self esteem and personality

Has a temper

Im never right hes always the one thats right

he refers to me as his property

hes controlling

says im selfish and swears at me

says that after 2 years hes still unsure of his feelings and still just getting to know me and he needs me to stay with him and sort out his feelings

low sex drive

says he hasent hit me yet and never will *doubtful*

Blows up when annoyed when I call him

Told me to f*** off, piss off, ect.

Demands more respect

 

are these signs of abuse?

and is there any way I can change him back to who he used to be when he loved me for me and not for what im capable of?

[tinktronik]

yes , dear it is .What else would it be?

[blind_otter]

Yes they are signs of an abusive person, no you can't change him, he is emotionally stunted if this is how he is in relationships.

[kitten chick]

This sounds familiar. No you can't change him. Get out before he does any more damage.

[confused _one]

I cant live without him I love him ive been with him 2 years

[tinktronik]

you can live without him. Period! You may love him , but he dosent love you , someone who loves you wouldent treat you this way.

[confused _one]

will it escalate to physical abuse?

[blind_otter]

I cant live without him I love him ive been with him 2 years

 

Ok, 2 years of your life. Imagine living like this for the rest of your life. Just sit back, imagine how you'll be in 10+ years living with this every day, hoping for him to change and continually having those hopes crushed until you have no hope left, and then even if you do leave him your spirit is broken and you hate yourself, your life, and the position that you allowed yourself to stay in after you realized what he was, and yet turned a blind eye to it.

 

You can't live without him? What, is he attached to your body? Are you financially dependent?

 

I lived like that for a year and it escalated to the point, where when I did try to get away from him he tried to kill a friend of mine with his bare hands in front of me. Now I live for the rest of my life knowing that my weakness could have killed someone who wasn't even involved in the ugliness of the situation.

 

Get out while you still have some of your dignity intact.

[tikigods]

You can live without him, it will be hard, but trust me it would be much much better then what you are living with right now. Abuse is Abuse and no one should have to go threw it, he isn't going to change and sitcking around beliving that will only bring you more heart ache. And yes it can and I wouldn't be surprised will turn into physical abuse

[kitten chick]

Like everyone else said, you can live without him. After a few weeks away from the abuse the fog will lift and you will start to question why you stayed as long as you did. Your life will be better without him. Anyone's life would be better if they were not being abused. If this were your sister or your mother or your best friend, what would you tell them to do?

[kitten chick]

When I was reading this before, for some reason it reminded me of the time that I got yelled at, hung up on, and given the cold shoulder to because George Bush got reelected. Obviously it was MY fault , nevermind the fact that I'm as liberal as they come. Back then I was so upset and I cried and didn't know what to do, clearly there was nothing I could do to change it. But I loved him and I thought I should stick with him no matter how he treated me. Now looking back on it I find it insanely funny. How rediculous is that?!?! My only regret is not walking away sooner because there was just no way someone who acts that absurdly would have changed.

[AmCanIam]

Wow, I there are definitely many signs of an abusive man that I see in your list. I have first hand knowledge of some of the things you mention. It pains me to hear that you're experiencing even some of them. There is absolutely NO way you can change his behaviour; he is the only one that can do that. It's just like being an addict or an alcoholic; they are the only one who can change themselves, sometimes others can help them along the way. Do you think a separation of sorts would help your relationship? Are you suffering from it? Perhaps being apart in some form or fashion might give him the chance to really look at himself and hopefully seek help to address some of the things you mentioned.

[crzyblndstar]

I cant live without him I love him ive been with him 2 years

 

You have only been with him 2 years. You have obviously lived without him before. You can do it again. You claim that you cannot live without him b/c you love him sooo much, but he tells you that he is not sure how he feels about you? What is that about. I wouldn't want to live for someone like that didn't even know if they cared about me. A couple of questions:

 

1. Do you like being controlled?

Some people like not having to make any decisions about their life on their own. Are you one of them?

 

2. Do you like being blamed for anything and everything, some things you don't even have control over?

 

3. Do you enjoy being put down and made to feel stupid?

 

4. Would you be happy living in fear everyday wondering what you will do or say to make him put his hands on you?

 

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, than maybe this is a good relationship for you. But my guess is that your answer is NO to all of the above questions, and with that you need to get out of the relationship before you get hurt.

 

A few months ago, I posted a thread very similar to yours. I wanted to know if it would get worse. I knew the answer in my heart b/c I wouldn't have posted if I didn't think that it was possible. I guess I wanted it confirmed by everyone else. I still didn't take any advice given to me. He swore up and down that he would never put his hands on me. No matter how mad he got or how much stuff he broke, he would never take it out on me. And guess what, a few months later, I had to post again, because he damn near killed me. It was the first time he put his hands on me and it will definately be the last. I didn't need to know if it would happen again cause I wasn't going to take the chance. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If yes, than unless he gets some counseling and truly wants to change for himself, than more than likely he will eventually put his hands on you. Right now he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. You are his property, remember? He can treat his belongings any way he wants to. What if he decides that he wants to beat the crap out of his belonging? Do you want to take that chance?

[Bleeding heart]

of course this is abuse!!! my boyfriend does the exact same and it is heart breaking!!!!! i hate my boyfriend and i feel like ill never get away!!!

im so glad i read your entry i thought i was the only person in the world that was being abused at a very young age!

[Walk]

Google abusive relationships. There are a lot of really great sites out there that will help you sort through the feelings you're going through. If you are dead set on staying right now, (which I don't advise) there's also some advice on how to change your response so you don't get caught in his vicious cycle. And if he is this great man you think he is, then you'll see a change... I'm doubting it. But you can't be happy with things as they are. Something has to change. Either leaving him, or confronting the situation as it is. But pretending they are someone different isn't love. And that's what you are doing right now. You love who he was, but he's changed.

 

So do something about it. Educate yourself first. Open your eyes to the situation. Learn every single scrap of information you can on abusive relationships, underlying reasons, emotional responses of the victims, everything!!

 

Then use that knowledge. Ensure your safety first and foremost. But the more clearly you can see the situation for what it is, then the better you will be able to find a solution for it. You need a solution for you to be happy. Not to make him happy, remember that.

 

If you can start to see this more logically, use that information on abusive relationships, you will start to understand what options are available to you. You can't change who he is, but you can change your reaction to him. You can see his behavior as seperate from you.. that it's his problem, and his job to change it, not yours. You can change your reaction, but you can't change his behavior.

 

And most important, you have to be willing to see with your eyes wide open to reality. Not the love blind one you are wearing... because if all you see is a portion of who he is, then you are not in love with the man. You're in love with what you wish him to be. And it's only a dream.

[vampress1]

Confused one... you are not confused at all. You know exactly what needs to be done. The question is do you have enough self-respect to leave this loser? You have sat back and taken this behavior too long...

As far as not being able to live without him... hello!?!?! What rational woman can live with him?

Honestly, did he love you for you ever? You said he was still unsure of his feelings for you after 2 years... that doesn't sound like love to me.

[confused _one]

He has always treated me like I cant fend for myself and treats me like a little kid that I cant do anything myself. He acts more like a dad than a parent. Every time I just take his abuse then he writes me an email applologizing and that he loves me I dont know how to put my foot down. I miss the way he used to be so much I dont know how to change him back into the person he used to be. These days hes overly obsessed with his new RX7 Turbo car and it HAS gone to his head. Hes become more cocky and cruel than ever. I dont know where itll stop.

 

Heartbroken

 

I feel so much resent towards him like I cant bear for him to touch me

[Craig]

So what are you waiting for? Him to change? Why should he, he has you right where he wants you and things are just going to get worse and worse and worse for you.

 

My advice get out of the situation, have no contact with him, burn everything that reminds you of him and get some counseling from a local domestic violence center. It's free if you can't afford to pay.

 

But you aren't going to do that are you? You're going to stay in the relationship, hoping that the person you fell in love with returns for good and the evil bad person you find yourself with goes away for good. You're persistent, you're going to fix that man of yours--heal him with love.

 

That wonderful man you fell in love with never existed. It was a lie, a deception a cruel, unjust, inhumane hoax designed to hook you into his cycle of abuse.

 

It is a tough and s***ty situation you find yourself in and the only way out is to completely reverse your helplessness into personal strength and become stronger that he is emotionally.

 

If you want out there are zillions of resources to help you along the way. Google abuse, domestic violence and etc. then start reading, make some calls, get some counseling. It's a hard road you're on but you can make it.

[confused _one]

How heal him with love ive given him all the love I possibly can. He says he doubts me doubts our relationship and what he wants and I dont know how to reverse this. I did nothing to bring this on either I dont know where hes getting this from.

 

Help

[Craig]

How heal him with love ive given him all the love I possibly can. He says he doubts me doubts our relationship and what he wants and I dont know how to reverse this. I did nothing to bring this on either I dont know where hes getting this from.

 

Help

Confused_one. I didn't really mean you could heal him with love, I was being sarcastic. I am sorry.

 

Here is what you need to do for real. Do it as soon as you can.

 

1. Check for a local domestic violence counseling center in your area.

2. Contact their office, not the hotline, and ask to talk to a counselor about your situation.

3. Go see the counselor and tell them your story.

4. See what the counselor says. They may suggest more counseling. Counseling is FREE if you can't pay for it.

[vi_pn_babe25]

Everything that you've read in reply to your post is SO TRUE. you need to get out now before you end up wasting more time with this a**hole. I'm sorry to say but it's true, I speak from experience. I was with my ex bf for 4 yrs and I still wish to this day that I hadn't spent even that much time with him, and his abusive, controlling ways. The thing is I should've listened to my friends in the first place, they could tell right off the bat what he'd be like, and at the time I didn't listen to them, and I regret that I didn't. The best advice is from the people that can see the outside picture, when you're only focusing on the inside world which can stem from him manipulating you into seeing his side of things. And plus this kind of relationship can sometimes misconscrew your future relationships with guys, so it's best that you get some kind of counseling after you HOPEFULLY leave him. But like I said, get out while you can because you could be missing out on alot of things, like being yourself for once, and especially being HAPPY. I've definitely learned from my experience and I know you will too. So BE STRONG!

[jessh]

My ex did the exact same things your boyfriend is doing to you. We met when I was 15 and he was 19. The verbal abuse and emotional control eventually turned into physical abuse. I was with my ex for 15 years. It doesn't get better once he knows he can control you and your emotions it only gets worse. If he feels you are standing up to him or defying him it'll get worse. He is breaking down your self esteem so he can control you. Leave now why you still can he will eventually continue to break down your self esteem until you believe you deserve this and that you can't do better or live without him. Then one day you'll realize you can't get out because he'll do something to you or the people you love if you try to. My ex shot 2 of my dogs on different occations when I told him I was leaving and I can't tell you the number of times he pointed a loaded gun at me. He was rarely physically abusive but once is enough. the emotional abuse is much worse as I'm just now figuring out after being out of that situation for two years. I'm just beginning to experiance the emotional aftermath and trust me it's not something you want to go through. You can live without him. He just wants to make you believe you can't.......... I don't want to scare you I just want you to realize how bad staying in a situation like this can get...........

[lone56wolf]

Sounds a lot like my ex g/f - and she IS abusive. Get out while it's still easy. Once he has complete control and you have no friends left, all you have are strangers to trust.

 

Wolf

[morftran]

you can not change him. It will take years of counselling. I have been through the same thing. I stayed in my marriage for 9 years after relationship became abusive. I didn't realize what was going on, but it has gotten worse all the time.

 

I asked him to go to counselling but he refused point blank. He said he would NEVER go to counselling.

 

After years of abuse, my love has been destroyed. There is nothing left and I have lots of work to do to heal. I have separated and getting a divorce. Amazingly he now wants to work things out.

 

You can not love someone who is hurting you. It is not love.

 

Love yourself. If you separate now, while you still have love, maybe your relationship stands a chance to succeed. I wish I could have had the courage to leave when I still had love, because leaving is what has gotten my husband interested in changing. But keep in mind, just because someone wants to change doesn't mean they have changed.