me understand....

[Delectable]

So Friday marks 8mos with Mr. Wonderful. Although the last two weeks have been anything but wonderful...

 

Background:

ME: (early 30's) I have fidelity issues, father had a whole 'other family' lived a lie with mine and I was the kid that found out...I dated a guy for 8 years we lived on the East Coast he wanted to move to the west. We moved and I found out he was cheating on me with a chick on the West Coast for about 7 months. Obviously I have MAJOR trust issues...

 

HIM: (late 20's) Dated alot. Engaged once. He has introduced me to his family and the individuals at his job as his woman. lives where he grew up and held onto to most of his friends and therefore has an abnormal amount of female friends that are just that friends (married, engaged, mothers the like). His Father died February '05...

 

US: We live about 35 miles apart but have spent every single weekend together since we met. We rarely fight. In fact we have only fought about two things one was really stupid it was about this girl in Phildelphia that killed her father and is being charged as an adult and the other one his ex we'll call 'M'.

 

Situation:

Right up front I want to take responsibility for what I know I did wrong. I did that standard new dating thing when we started dating. "So who was your last gf" He told me he dated 'M' and it was awhile ago like 6 or 7 months ago...I found out that wasn't true....6 or 7 months would have been in '04 and I found out he actually started dating her right after his Father passed away. They dated for two months and then mutually ended it and decided to remain friends. but this was only 2 to 3 months before he started dating me not the 6 or 7. We had a mutha of all fights about this because in myself I felt special everytime that he would tell me that I had made him the happiest he had been since his dad died and that I was the first thing in a long time to make him happy...and I felt he was lying about all of that because he had dated after his dad died. I knew he was telling me the truth...in fact he called 'M' to actually find out when he had actually dated her and his family who knew we were fighting about this were actually like we are all shocked that he forgot those dates but he was pretty screwed up after his father died and he was really out of it. In my heart I knew that he, 'M', his family...all the people at his job that were all shocked by his 'amnesia' weren't all trying to pull one over on me and I understood...

 

Anyway this "when did you date" conversation and issue came up because 2 months into our relationship this ex...'M' she used to call in a fashion I consider quite inappropriately...as I stated earlier...we spend every weekend together and she would call 6 times in an evening starting at like 8 and ending after 1am??? This went on for 2 weeks - He wouldn't take her calls in front of me...which made me feel like he had something to hide we argued about that he began to answer and say he was with me to her but he also started turning his phone off so we wouldn't be bothered...that bothered me...as I felt it was further avoidance....

 

We felt like we had the perfect relationship so I really tried dto understand that she was just a friend...so we squashed the arguement but 10 days later we were instant messaging and I got a BRB...he dissappeared for 25/30 min then came back and we continued chatting...That weekend when I brought up 'M' he was like..."um yeah she stopped by my house - I didn't let her in...I went out and had a cigarette with her...." I later found out this was when we were IMing and he didn't tell me...because he felt if he did...we would argue.

 

A month goes by and we don't argue about 'M' and we are chilling with one of his friends watching a movie...and he gets a call. His friend is like"WHO WAS THAT" and my bf gives a name...but I knew in my gut something was wrong with how he said it...So after his friend is gone I asking him if he had heard from 'M' and he was like..yeah that was her who called when my buddy was here but I didn't want to fight in front of him...and I felt like it would have been a fight so...NEEDLESS to say this almost ended our relationship...I told him this wasn't okay. We were both destroyed by this he pleaded with me not to go and told me that he paniced..didn't want to fight...whenever 'M''s name is brought up we fight...and that he was going to tell me but I asked first. He pleaded with me to try and trust him so I did....three moths go by...we don't talk about her...but then again...I don't ask about her.

 

Well I found out last night...that he as been lying about talking with her on the telephone. Even worse than that...He tentatively made plans to see her on 3/16 (she blew him off) but he never fessed up to any of this to me. In fact he had lied about not hearing from her and not seeing her or making plans with her. He had looked me in the eyes and promised me that he hadn't heard from her, talked to her, emailed/IM'd her, much less make plans to see her......He had looked me in the eyes and lied.

 

I asked him - what it is about her that is worth jeapordizing what we have and he said that they became close friends after his dad died...he had nobody to really talk to and she was always there to lend an ear...and he can't see just letting go of that friendship when gfs seem to come and go and he seems to hold onto his friends. He says that he has not cheated but admitted that he lies about communicating with her because he doesn't feel like he should have to report when he talks to a friend and whenever I hear her name it is like WW3...

 

I'm lost here...While this post sounds awfully negative I must reiterate that we don't have ANY issues in our relationship besides this chick. He is a wonderful bf...he never disappears for any lengths of time...he calls me from work during the day to tell me that he is thinking of me...he calls me everynight when he is at home...and very often at least 3 days a week we spend hours talking each night. Things are really wonderful...which is why I call him my Mr. Wonderful...

 

I know I have trust/jealousy issues but he has not made these any better by lying about 'M'. As he sat with his head in his hands last night he said...that he had been lying all this time to avoid losing me and to not argue about 'M'. He felt that if time could just go by and I could see how faithful and how much he cared about me that soon I would be okay with his friendship with 'M'.

 

I'm crestfallen right now...I don't know what to do. As I drove away from his house last night I couldn't make it a block without pulling the car over and falling apart...he must have seen the car stopped because he came out to see me. I told him that I felt like I was never going to see him again and that things were over...he held me and apologized....said he knew that he messed up big time...nothing ever happened...he just lied because he didn't want to fight about her because she was a friend and as a man that has female friends gf's in the past have told him to choose gf or friend and he made that choice and lost both. But he realizes the damage that he has done...he called 'M' in front of me put her on speaker (unbeknownst to her) and had a casual conversation where I learned they hadn't seen each other in months...he felt like that should make me feel better...but it doesn't. He is afraid that he has lost me and I'm afraid too...

[blind_otter]

Two things -- your trust issue, his lying.

 

Hey, I dunno what to tell you -- because I am not a big proponent of opposite sex friendships....MUCH LESS friendships with ex lovers. IMO, if you have established a pattern of interacting with an individual in the context of a romantic relationship, it's really difficult (this is JMO) to change that type of interaction on both parts of the ex's. Because, hey, look at what could have handily been avoided?

 

The thing is, I have trust issues too -- it wrecks relationships, big time. And that means taking the time and effort to work on your issue, whether or not you continue to be involved with this man. Therapy, self help books, meditation and inner exploration, blah blah blah. You know the drill. To just state, I have this issue, and yet do nothing to attend to your own insecurities -- well that ain't nothin.

 

Thing is, does he have an issue with lying to avoid confrontation? Because that's his thing to deal with.

 

IMO, you both can work through this but it would take a committment to identifying the issues you personally have that are the biggest obstacles to the emotional intimacy you both crave, and both doing the work it takes to better yourselves. Not change fundamental aspects of your personality, but be growth motivated.

[Delectable]

Two things -- your trust issue, his lying.

 

I know

 

I am not a big proponent of opposite sex friendships....MUCH LESS friendships with ex lovers. IMO, if you have established a pattern of interacting with an individual in the context of a romantic relationship, it's really difficult (this is JMO) to change that type of interaction on both parts of the ex's. Because, hey, look at what could have handily been avoided?

I know and that is the thing for me...

 

Thing is, does he have an issue with lying to avoid confrontation? Because that's his thing to deal with.

He did say he has a thing with confrotation. He has had panic attacks in the past and that is what has led him to just not want to fight about 'M'...he panics and then he says what I want to hear...

[blind_otter]

I know

 

I know and that is the thing for me...

 

He did say he has a thing with confrotation. He has had panic attacks in the past and that is what has led him to just not want to fight about 'M'...he panics and then he says what I want to hear...

 

Is he doing anything about this?

[alphamale]

umm...yeah. Like, what's the question or problem here? All you have to tell "Mr. wonderful" is that if he wants to remain friends with her then there really is nothing for him to hide from you. And you need to chill out.

 

This is one of the main reasons why I say men and women should not be "friends" after a relationship is over.

[blind_otter]

umm...yeah. Like, what's the question or problem here? All you have to tell "Mr. wonderful" is that if he wants to remain friends with her then there really is nothing for him to hide from you. And you need to chill out.

 

This is one of the main reasons why I say men and women should not be "friends" after a relationship is over.

 

Yeah, I totally do not understand the impulse to befriend ex's. Hey, I wish them all the best. Wherever they are. Away from me.

 

What, is it guilt? I mean come on, man. I have friends. I don't break up with people to have more friends. Hell, I find it hard to stay in contact with friends. Real friends, not ex's.

[Delectable]

umm...yeah. Like, what's the question or problem here? All you have to tell "Mr. wonderful" is that if he wants to remain friends with her then there really is nothing for him to hide from you. And you need to chill out.

 

This is one of the main reasons why I say men and women should not be "friends" after a relationship is over.

 

You don't see the lies as a problem? Or that he seems like he would be willing to disregard my trust or feelings to protect his relationship with an ex? I don't know AlphaM I do totally respect your opinion on these issues but this girl really contributes by calling at odd hours, texting him, leaving suggestive things on her blog. I know it shouldn't be about what she does versus what he does but he has broken my heart with these lies....

[basscatcher]

Ah babygurl.. I can feel you..

Your situation is a combo of mine with Charlie and my X-michael..

Michael had a X who he claimed to be his friend and friend only. He lied to be from the beginning also because he was afraid I wouldn't understand and he would lose me. (There is so much to that story!!). Well he hid from me that he was in contact with this woman (wanda) the whole entire time of our relationship. He use to live with her and when his mother died she was there for him which bonded them and when she ended up in the hospital with an emergency surgery he was the only one there for her so they bonded over that. Even though their relationshp is cold, empty, lacking affection and showing of love, she has lots of psychological issues. They had a strong bond over trama and stress. They supported one another and were dispensable to one another always in a time of trama.

I found out that they were actually sleeping together during our first month of dating. She let him come to me (moved from another state) and gave him her blessing. She even talked to me on the phone and told me she gave him up to me.

 

Well they never broke their communication. They just hid it from me. (Emails, phone calls). The moire contact they had the more I lost him. He became homesick, missed his kids, she was crying on his shoulder about how lonely she was and how lost she felt. He missed his brother and BOOM he left me without giving me a reason. He was confused, homesick, lost and couldn't figure himself out. And he moved back home--he moved back in with HER.. She ordered him to change his phone number if he was going to come back to her and he couldn't have any contact with me whatsoever.. Well 6 months later he did contact me because he wasn't happy with her. Now he is married to her...

 

Now with Charlie he kept from me when his Xgf called him. I had to ask him if she has called lately and sometimes he lied to keep the peace and not upset me. Sometimes he told me. He admitted to me that he took her back several times after they broke up, he admitted to me that he has a soft spot for her, he admitted to still cares deeply for her and he also has told me that he hasn't answered her calls or returned them.

 

So both men lied from the beginning, both men claimed they were friends. Both men told me they didn't have contact with their Xs.

 

Your situation is similar but different.. I would be careful..

IMO ONLY-----My gutt tells me your man wants the Xgf back but knows he can't have her so he holds onto you becaue he can't have what he wants. Men seem to carry obsessions with women. I truly think it takes longer for a guy to get over an X then it does a woman.. I think men physically move on faster because its easier for them to not get emotionally attached as they continue to carry their feelings for their x they physically replace the person.

 

I think your Mr. Wonderful is doing what Charlie is doing. Why does he need to hold onto 'M'? I don't think he is emotionally detached from her. She was there during a criitical time in his life and he bonded with her due to trama in his life.

 

I think you might be walking down my path.... All I can say is what everyone has told me. Take care of yourself. You can't fix him or make him let go of his X and fully commit himself to you. Keep your eyes open and don't fool yourself. It is very easy to do.

 

Only you have the full details of what is causing your suspicions.

 

My belief is still that men and women can't JUST be friends. One or both have a underlying motive for the friendship.. For whatever reason. There is a need that the other person has that he/she wants in their life and their not going to give it up unless they have a good reason too.

[alphamale]

You don't see the lies as a problem?

Seems like he's being honest when he says he's lying to keep you from freaking out. Just stop freaking out and hopefully he'll stop lying. Jealousy is a mean and nasty thing that can end even the strongest union.

 

I don't know AlphaM I do totally respect your opinion on these issues but this girl really contributes by calling at odd hours, texting him, leaving suggestive things on her blog.

Why don't you ask Mr. Wonderful to set up a lunch or dinner date where the three of you can sit down, have a wonderful meal, and get to know each other better . If he or she don't want to do this then you will know something fishy is up.

[Delectable]

My gutt tells me your man wants the Xgf back but knows he can't have her so he holds onto you becaue he can't have what he wants.

...

I don't think he is emotionally detached from her. She was there during a criitical time in his life and he bonded with her due to trama in his life.

...

My belief is still that men and women can't JUST be friends. One or both have a underlying motive for the friendship.. For whatever reason. There is a need that the other person has that he/she wants in their life and their not going to give it up unless they have a good reason too.

 

My heart is so broken right now. I sincerely hop that he doesnt want her back. Maybe he does and can't have her...I don't know the details of their break up except for the fact that he says they decided they were better off as friends...

 

Yes she was definitely there through a trauma...I don't want to even give an ultimatum that would take THAT type of friendship away from him but I need him to protect my feelings in this situation and protect what we have...I asked him to do that last night and he ernestly told me to tell him how to do that...but I don't think I know what to say...or feel like I should tell him how to make this better when I was not the one to tell him how to make this so bad....does that make sense?

---

Why don't you ask Mr. Wonderful to set up a lunch or dinner date where the three of you can sit down, have a wonderful meal, and get to know each other better . If he or she don't want to do this then you will know something fishy is up.

I've thought about this...I must admit though - I would want to smack her or use one of the shiny sharp objects at the dinner table to disuade her from leaving such insinuating troublemaking posts on her blog or calling at all hours of the night.

[blind_otter]

---

I've thought about this...I must admit though - I would want to smack her or use one of the shiny sharp objects at the dinner table to disuade her from leaving such insinuating troublemaking posts on her blog or calling at all hours of the night.

 

Well, I had some issues with my BF's exW. When I met her, though, they all disappeared. You've built her up to demi-god status inside your head. Time to destroy the illusion and face reality.

[alphamale]

You've built her up to demi-god status inside your head. Time to destroy the illusion and face reality.

yeah! maybe she's fat and ugly

[tanbark813]

I asked him to do that last night and he ernestly told me to tell him how to do that...but I don't think I know what to say...or feel like I should tell him how to make this better when I was not the one to tell him how to make this so bad....does that make sense?

 

As a guy, there's not many things that are as frustrating as a girl telling you that something is wrong but not telling you what would make it better. It's only fair to do the latter if you're going to do the former.

 

That being said, I would feel the same type of distrust and hurt if I were in your shoes. I don't stay friends with exes for exactly these kinds of complications (and because they usually piss me off enough to not want to anyway ).

 

I'm also not very tolerant of liars. The whole "I lied to protect your feelings" or "I lied because I knew you would be mad" really rub me the wrong way. I don't have much respect for people who have no spine for confrontation.

 

It doesn't sound like there's anything shady going on, but it sounds like the interaction between your bf and M is inappropriate at best, IMHO. The only real advice I can give is to figure out for yourself exactly what is acceptable and what is not.

[Delectable]

yeah! maybe she's fat and ugly

 

I already asked him and he's already told me he thinks I'm prettier...but that feels so shallow and adolescent and it didn't appease me at all.

 

I'm so scared...'M' really makes me afraid - I don't know how to explain it.

 

Pada - I hope and pray your gut is wrong...but I'm fixating on what you wrote right now. Is there a way I can find out if he really wants to be with her but can't so he is just settling with me?

[basscatcher]

...I don't want to even give an ultimatum that would take THAT type of friendship away from him but I need him to protect my feelings in this situation and protect what we have...I asked him to do that last night and he ernestly told me to tell him how to do that...but I don't think I know what to say...or feel like I should tell him how to make this better when I was not the one to tell him how to make this so bad....does that make sense?

---

 

I think that everone would tell you what they tell me-------You have to protect your own feelings. You have to take care of yourself.

 

I know you can't control another person or make them chose you over someone else. Even if you managed to manipulate him to stay with you longer and he still carries a desire for her you will eventually lose him or you will suffer until he lets go of his obsession with her. Waiting sounds like a lot of pain and heartache.(that is where I am at)

 

I believe that friends may come and go. I believe they come in our lives when we most need them. Most of them will move on some will stay. I have had people come into my life during a severe tramatic time and then seem to pass by. They were there to hold me up when I couldn't stand on my own. We all need support systems and friendships develiop out of those times but that doesn't mean they last.

 

I have a male in my life whom I have been calling 'my friend' on my threads. I wouldn't see him or call him if I am seriously, seriously involved with someone else unless it was falling apart and I needed support and a trusted male input. I am cautious of 'my friend' because we have a past and his motives for helping me maybe genuine but he also may have a future agenda. (sex).

 

All I can say is use caution.

Follow your instincts.

Get support (good support).

Don't ignor things that stand out that are evitable.

Take care and protect yourself.

Putting your feelings into someone else's hands is a set up for hurt. No one is responsible to take care of your feelings but you. If he was your husband or fiance then I would say that it is his responsiblity to help you protect your heart and visa-versa.

 

The best thing he can do is to be honest with you about this situation. It is already beginning to get out of control and its causing much distress already.. It has to be brought out in the open immediately.

[alphamale]

As a guy, there's not many things that are as frustrating as a girl telling you that something is wrong but not telling you what would make it better.

its is YOUR job as the man and the leader to know what is wrong. And 99% of the thime the man knows what is wrong. If he does not then in her eyes his stock drops. And a lowering of the stock price = lowering of respect from her.

[blind_otter]

I already asked him and he's already told me he thinks I'm prettier...but that feels so shallow and adolescent and it didn't appease me at all.

 

I'm so scared...'M' really makes me afraid - I don't know how to explain it.

 

Pada - I hope and pray your gut is wrong...but I'm fixating on what you wrote right now. Is there a way I can find out if he really wants to be with her but can't so he is just settling with me?

 

Yeah, it didn't appease you because you don't really know if he's telling the truth (duh) because he has a problem with lying...sorry, this isn't funny but that part was...he wants you to believe him but lies. Huh. Just meet her. It will be fine.

 

You need to sit down and figure out what you will accept in terms of his interactions with females, and what you won't.

 

DO not have this conversation with him again until you figure out what you want/need. Men do not respond to those general "I feel bad but I don't know whyyyyyy" conversations. They are for the most part, results oriented.

[RecordProducer]

They are just friends and you KNOW that he's faithful to you. This is just a matter of vanity on your part, not trust. You're beating a dead horse here.

 

You can't tell him to stop being friends with someone. You're jealous for nothing and you're ruining your relationship with him. And you even make him hide his friendship because you start a fight at the mention of her name. Imagine that you had a buddy that you loved as a friend and your boyfriend ordered you to ditch your friend! You wouldn't call him Mr. Wonderful anymore, I am pretty sure. The only fact that bothers you is that she is an ex. If he cared about her, she wouldn't have been an ex.

 

My husband has at least five friends that he dated in the past. It doesn't bother me at all. He is with me, he loves ME, not them. I don't see them as his girlfriends or wives, I see them as friends, just like any other male friends. Actually it's a proof that he wasn't a pig to them and treated them well if they remained friends. I am not in good terms with any of my exes, except my ex-husband and that's only cuz of the children.

 

I always say: if he's gonna cheat on me ever, it'll be with a NEW woman, not with any of his exes.

 

If I were you, I would tell my BF: "I came to a realization that my jealousy directed toward your friendship with M was wrong. You proved your love for me and I apologize for the fights. You don't have to hide your conversations with M from me anymore, and you don't need to report them to me either. I am ok with your friendship. I am glad you have friends that appreciate you, because you're a great person."

[catgirl1927]

I will never understand the be-friends-with-the-ex impulse. It makes ZERO sense to me.

 

He's asking you to trust him in this iffy situation. He needs to understand that is hard for you. Maybe if you said, look the whole things bugs me because of the secrecy, maybe if I met her I would see that everything is cool and I'm just imagining things, maybe he'd do it and it would work out.

[Delectable]

As a guy, there's not many things that are as frustrating as a girl telling you that something is wrong but not telling you what would make it better. It's only fair to do the latter if you're going to do the former.

--

It doesn't sound like there's anything shady going on, but it sounds like the interaction between your bf and M is inappropriate at best, IMHO. The only real advice I can give is to figure out for yourself exactly what is acceptable and what is not.

 

You are absolutely right! But when he asked me what he could do...all I wanted to scream was,"build a time machine and go back in time and don't do what you did so I wouldn't be huring right now." I don't know what to tell him to make myslef feel better right now...maybe I'll know in a couple of days but right now I am consumed with grief.

 

I am not tolerant of liars either...and that is the odd thing...he prides himself on his honesty...everyone and I mean EVERYONE talks about how brutally honest he is...so why lie about this...and to me?

--

Pada

I think that everone would tell you what they tell me-------You have to protect your own feelings. You have to take care of yourself.

 

I know you can't control another person or make them chose you over someone else. Even if you managed to manipulate him to stay with you longer and he still carries a desire for her you will eventually lose him or you will suffer until he lets go of his obsession with her. Waiting sounds like a lot of pain and heartache.(that is where I am at)

 

I believe that friends may come and go. I believe they come in our lives when we most need them. Most of them will move on some will stay. I have had people come into my life during a severe tramatic time and then seem to pass by. They were there to hold me up when I couldn't stand on my own. We all need support systems and friendships develiop out of those times but that doesn't mean they last.

I know in my heart you are right Pada...I have to take care of myself and my feelings...he is not proving his ability to do that right now. If she is a 'friend' that saw him through a trauma...then I'm happy for him...true friends are hard to find..but friends don't usually cause this much drama for a relationship.

--

AlphaMale

its is YOUR job as the man and the leader to know what is wrong. And 99% of the thime the man knows what is wrong.

Even though I am a feminist...I do agree with you 150%

--

Blind_Otter

Yeah, it didn't appease you because you don't really know if he's telling the truth (duh) because he has a problem with lying...sorry, this isn't funny but that part was...he wants you to believe him but lies. Huh. Just meet her. It will be fine.

 

You need to sit down and figure out what you will accept in terms of his interactions with females, and what you won't.

 

DO not have this conversation with him again until you figure out what you want/need. Men do not respond to those general "I feel bad but I don't know whyyyyyy" conversations. They are for the most part, results oriented.

You are right...I will do this...I will have to figure this out...but I don't want to be 'that girl' with a bunch of rules.

[blind_otter]

--

Blind_Otter

You are right...I will do this...I will have to figure this out...but I don't want to be 'that girl' with a bunch of rules.

 

No, bombarding someone with a bunch of rules isn't too good either...but if you have a clear issue with a specific thing, and it would help you if he knew what you felt comfortable with and what you didn't, it could ease your anxiety and reduce the confrontations that your BF is so utterly terrified of.

[Delectable]

They are just friends and you KNOW that he's faithful to you. This is just a matter of vanity on your part, not trust. You're beating a dead horse here.

 

You can't tell him to stop being friends with someone. You're jealous for nothing and you're ruining your relationship with him. And you even make him hide his friendship because you start a fight at the mention of her name. Imagine that you had a buddy that you loved as a friend and your boyfriend ordered you to ditch your friend! You wouldn't call him Mr. Wonderful anymore, I am pretty sure. The only fact that bothers you is that she is an ex. If he cared about her, she wouldn't have been an ex.

 

My husband has at least five friends that he dated in the past. It doesn't bother me at all. He is with me, he loves ME, not them. I don't see them as his girlfriends or wives, I see them as friends, just like any other male friends. Actually it's a proof that he wasn't a pig to them and treated them well if they remained friends. I am not in good terms with any of my exes, except my ex-husband and that's only cuz of the children.

 

I always say: if he's gonna cheat on me ever, it'll be with a NEW woman, not with any of his exes.

 

If I were you, I would tell my BF: "I came to a realization that my jealousy directed toward your friendship with M was wrong. You proved your love for me and I apologize for the fights. You don't have to hide your conversations with M from me anymore, and you don't need to report them to me either. I am ok with your friendship. I am glad you have friends that appreciate you, because you're a great person."

You are married and your husband reassures you he loves you...you are in a very different place than I am. If I had the same reassurances...I truly feel I would feel differently...but I don't. I apprecaite your candor RP...and I do believe a lot of what you say is right on point...but my guy has never said "i love you". I think if he had I would feel differently. In my gut - I do belive he has not slept with her since we've been together....but...he has lied to me about the fact that he promised to be completely candid about 'M' and I really don't know what to think.

[Delectable]

I will never understand the be-friends-with-the-ex impulse. It makes ZERO sense to me.

 

He's asking you to trust him in this iffy situation. He needs to understand that is hard for you. Maybe if you said, look the whole things bugs me because of the secrecy, maybe if I met her I would see that everything is cool and I'm just imagining things, maybe he'd do it and it would work out.

 

I will say exactly that...

--

Blind_Otter

No, bombarding someone with a bunch of rules isn't too good either...but if you have a clear issue with a specific thing, and it would help you if he knew what you felt comfortable with and what you didn't, it could ease your anxiety and reduce the confrontations that your BF is so utterly terrified of.

I just don't know what that 'thing' is...

[TUDOR]

There seems to be a clear decision for you bf to make here whether he likes it or not. The "friend" is always going to be a point of contention between the two of you. So while he may not like confrontation or having to choose his continued frienship will be a contant issue.

 

The double edged side of that is if you present this ulitmatum to him he will likely tell you what you want to hear and continue his friendship in secrecy to avoid further confrontation. His actions sound shady but the bigger problem is the "friend". I would say you need to also confront her. As a man I would not only confront my wife but I would be in the face of the friend. She needs to be made known the problem she is causing. She has no respect for you or your relationship and at this point the BF doesn't seem to be doing much about it.

 

Sounds like a have my cake and eat it too for your BF and it is up to you to put an end to it or tolerate it.

[blind_otter]

Um. Trust issues and his friendship with his ex?