me understand....

[catgirl1927]

I can really see what you're saying, RP, it makes sense and is a very healthy way to look at things. BUT, if you've ever been fooled it's really, really hard. Really hard. And like you said, you can't be just friends with one of your exes, because he still has feelings for you. I think that is usually the case. I just think you can't ever go backwards. Once you've had a sexual relationship, you can choose to abstain from the sex but the feelings are still there, and if that person is around all the time, esp if they see that person has changed for the better since you were with them, what's to stop those feelings from coming back? then the other person becomes the THIRD, and the exes either sacrifice out of pity for the other or the other gets cheated on and dumped. It's a very slippery slope.

[RecordProducer]

could someone, for god's sake, please explain WTF this means??

It means you appreciate the person and enjoy your time with them (conversations, sex, things you do together), but you feel no passion, you don't miss them like crazy when they are not around, you are not thinking about them 24/7, and you're not making plans for being with them forever. Clear 'nuff?

[whichwayisup]

could someone, for god's sake, please explain WTF this means??

 

It means she cared for him, really enjoyed his company, had emotional attachment for him, but wasn't "INLOVE" with him.

[RecordProducer]

I just think you can't ever go backwards.

It's not going backward, CG. Going backwards would be if you get back together with your ex. What's stopping you from doing it? Obviously you don't want to. So why be jealous if you know that your partner doesn't want them? Now if you think he does want them, that's another story. In that case you need to know whether it's the other person who doesn't want YOUR PARTNER, but your partner cherishies feelings for them. It's better to have a clear field to observe things and make your own conclusions and thus react accordingly than to demand from them to love only you - if they don't then they won't.

 

Once you've had a sexual relationship, you can choose to abstain from the sex but the feelings are still there

Huh? Still there? What makes you claim that for sure?

 

and if that person is around all the time, esp if they see that person has changed for the better since you were with them, what's to stop those feelings from coming back?

After I got over my husband with whom I was very much in love for a couple years after he left me, we were friends. We hung out with the kids (not because of the kids, we actually would let the kids play in a playground by themselves while we would talk and have fun), but I didn't have feelings for him. All the things I knew about him stopped me from having feelings for him. But for hanging out, we don't require people to be that great.

[alphamale]

It means you appreciate the person and enjoy your time with them (conversations, sex, things you do together), but you feel no passion, you don't miss them like crazy when they are not around, you are not thinking about them 24/7, and you're not making plans for being with them forever. Clear 'nuff?

Then it means you don't love them and are not in love with them...

[blind_otter]

It means you appreciate the person and enjoy your time with them (conversations, sex, things you do together), but you feel no passion, you don't miss them like crazy when they are not around, you are not thinking about them 24/7, and you're not making plans for being with them forever. Clear 'nuff?

 

I thought this was the difference between platonic and romantic.

 

I don't buy that "love ya but I'm not in love with ya" crap. If I use those words, I damn well mean it. Otherwise the words are cheap and meaningless. They only have meaning if I give that to them.

 

I sure do wish my ex's the best, but I don't see what they would gain from a friendship with me.

 

It seems like it's some over-infalted sense of guilt or something that makes peopel seek out friendships with ex-lovers. I've said it before, I'll say it to my grave -- I have enough friends without trying to farm them from the ex-lovers I've left behind. They are ex's for a reason.

[alphamale]

I don't buy that "love ya but I'm not in love with ya" crap. .

me either....you either love someone or you don't. WTF is this "I love u but am not IN LOVE with you?!" That means squat! Who the hell popularized this phrase? I mean, read it...it makes no sense whatsoever.

[catgirl1927]

I say backward, and mean that friendships progress in stages. First you're friends, then there's feelings, then there's sex. See what I mean by backward? What's backward is my lame explanation.

 

There is a difference between being "friends" like seeing someone every once in a while and being friendly and being "friends" like emailing and texting every day and making plans to see each other and stuff like that. When I'm saying friends, it's like the way I'm friends with my girl friends. Chatting, texting, hanging out. That sort of thing is what makes me nervous. If he runs into an ex at a party and is civil, I have no problem with that. But if he's all BFF with her, that's suspicious. To me.

[Delectable]

He has not told me that he is in love with me.

 

RP when your husband was having a meal with his ex...she was married and so was he...the context of your relationships were very different than where I am now. Your husband tells you that he loves you...right??!!?? That being said...RP I DO however understand and agree with many of what you have had to say.

 

In my gut I do not believe that he has been cheating on me with this ex. But the lies & secrecy are horrible. To me he was willing to risk what we had just to have a conversation with her. If I have made those conversations difficult to have...COMMUNICATION is key to make things better. As RP said earlier everyone has a past and nobody is pure white...he isn't either. He is not a victim here.

 

One of the reasons that I had such an issue with this 'friendship' was because in my gut I knew something wasn't on the level. His lies were that something. I would like to meet her...take away what I have built up in my mind about her...and endorse this friendship if that is what he needs. BUT I have no idea what words to say to him about the lies.

 

I am fully aware that nothing is black & white...and it isn't you lie you're gone...I contributed to the equation here...but my heart is broken. I don't think he understands how hard it is to regain my trust...I am so very much in love with him.

 

I do believe if he had simply told me that he loves me...since I know what those words mean to him...I would feel way more secure...but right now I am very hurt and I don't know what to think.

 

I also don't understand the level of rage and anger he exhibits when we discuss this crap. It's like he pulls out every argument we have ever had and bashes me over the head with it. Is it a diversion...is it guilt...he is definitely upset with himself and for hurting me but it comes across as rage...and when he told me last night,"he needed to take some time...get his thoughts together...find a way to make this better" I took it as a further insult. But I am giving it to him...God this hurts so much....so much

[RecordProducer]

I think we can agree to disagree on the emotional aspect of this subject; some women are just more jealous than others, some are jealous to different things than others, etc. But I do believe that two exes can be mere friends and have no romantic feelings for each other. Whether he has a GF that he's never said "I love you" to or he has a fat, ugly wife or a beautiful wife - does not matter. They CAN be friends with their ex-GFs especially if it's a GF they dated for a few months and broke up. You all say "they're an ex for a reason." So why don't you listen to yourself?

 

I am pretty much in either bad or silent terms with all my exes (I've only had 3 relationships, the rest were insignificant), but if you knew my husband you could understand how he can love and not be in love. He's a very giving and kind person, he's a gentleman and women love him. If he is not in love with them, he loves them in return. You can love somebody because they are good to you, but it takes more than that (chemistry) to be passionately in love.

 

I believe this comes from attraction. When you love but are not in love, you're simply not attracted to that person (not necessarily physically).

[basscatcher]

when he told me last night,"he needed to take some time...get his thoughts together...find a way to make this better" I took it as a further insult. But I am giving it to him...God this hurts so much....so much

 

Sweetie, look back at the overall situation I have been going through the past-going on 3 weeks

 

Very, Very similiar situation..

 

I began to question Charlie, Charlie in turn became frustrated and recoiled and took 'space' I stumbled around over two weeks going through all the crazy, wild, twisted, upside and down turns on a rollercoaster..

I have been living through hell all this time. Yes, it affected my life in every way. Work, job interviews, friends, family, home, everthing...

 

Before I understood what he was doing (needing space) I left him in his space with a few direct statements about how I felt about him. I left those words with him and stepped back..

 

It hasn't been easy.. Last night was 17 days from the last time I set eyes on him and touched him. I had on average 2 phone calls each week and all of them were not friendly. We both were stressed, on guard, snappy and sensitive with one another. I had no idea what he was really going through until last night. I was living so deep in my own hell..

 

I took the time apart and evaluated things. I first had to vent it all out to make sense of it and I did a lot of it here in loveshack.. I got all kinds of feedback some good, some not, some supportive, not so supportive, some I needed to hear, some I didn't want to hear. I took it all in to help me find balance, stability and understanding as much as I possible could..

 

I managed to stablize my emotions, set my mind with option to change it if necessary and with guidance began looking at myself deeper instead of crying because I missed Charlie and he wasn't talking to me or seeing me like before..

 

Believe me it was hard... It still is but the emotional drama isn't there now because I found my footing again..

 

Give Mr. Wonderful his space if that is what he is requesting. Don't leave him in his cave with strong negative thoughts. Clarify yourself with him in brief and make sure he understands how you feel about him and tell him you respect his need to space right now to find solutions to the situations in his life. Then back off.

 

I couldn't wait for Charlie to reach out to me. there were evenings where I paced the floor. My nerves were a mess. I was tense waiting to be reactive to whatever challenged me.. I prayed for the best outcome.

 

When he called to set up a date I recongnised he was coming out of his cave and I new not to overwhelm him once he started to surface. I told him that I too took time to deal with me--after the panic, fear, hurt and anger settled a bit. I told him we needed to talk and share if we were gong to understand where our relationship would go.

 

I seriously thought it was over last night. He was thinking I was going to end it. His reaction was not what I expected and his words and actions were not what I expected so therefore, I changed my mind about the instant breakup and am giving him time to evaluate things more. He has called me twice today... he is speaking differently towards me. There is a calm. I still don't know if we will last but I am not making a hasty move forward. He deserves a chance to make amends and minor changes.

 

I told him to take it slow but not like a snail. I said I need to recognize and see the little steps he takes.. He understood.

 

Let Mr. Wonderful figure out himself what he needs to do. Tell him how you feel in 'I" statements. Tell him "What is happening with you." Dont use blaming words like 'when you......." 'Why do you.....""because you.."

If your man is reacting similiar to mine he needs time out. He feels under pressure. He needs space to resolve the conflict on his own.

He is tense, stressed, he lacks patience and won't be able to be sensitive to your needs, wants and desires until he finds a resolution himself.

Step back......

[Delectable]

Your husband must do a lot to contribute to how secure you feel in your relationship.

 

My ex of 7.5 years cheated on me...it was horrible...we are friends now...yes it is possible.

 

But what I don't do is lie and keep that friendship in secret. My ex does not call at 8:00, 9:15, 10:00, 11:30, midnight and 1 am on weekends just to say..,"hey what's up? wanna hang out" or show up unannounced, or send emails to her friends publicly on blogs talking about how she wants to be with him. THAT IS NOT COOL...and it is not conducive to a healthy trusting environment. But you know what...that is her behaviour not his. I just don't like that he compounds it by not defending me to her, setting boundaries, or defending what we have. He really says he doesn't know how...and I believe him. I don't know how to tell him how so I have tried my hardest to just let her behaviour be hers and just trust in what I have with him...BUT then the lies and secrecy...

 

RP as I have said you make many valid points and I will do what I have to to support his 'dear friends' and be less selfish..but I am astonished that you only offer that I should call him and apologize for being selfish. What he did wasn't cool...

[Delectable]

Give Mr. Wonderful his space if that is what he is requesting. Don't leave him in his cave with strong negative thoughts.

 

Let Mr. Wonderful figure out himself what he needs to do. Tell him how you feel in 'I" statements. Tell him "What is happening with you." Dont use blaming words like 'when you......." 'Why do you.....""because you.."

If your man is reacting similiar to mine he needs time out. He feels under pressure. He needs space to resolve the conflict on his own.

He is tense, stressed, he lacks patience and won't be able to be sensitive to your needs, wants and desires until he finds a resolution himself.

Step back......

 

I will Pada...thank you...I just can't stop crying...

[basscatcher]

I will Pada...thank you...I just can't stop crying...

 

My dear, I went through the same thing.

When Charlie for the first time didn't call me I was confused and worried because I didn't know what was going on.

I called him late because it was weird of him not to call.

He was kinda sharp with me in the tone of his voice. He was distant. It only furthered my feelings into fear and hurt. I felt rejected.

 

Then he snapped at me and said he needed time for himself.

I felt like I lost him. My mind started running crazy with thoughts. Fear was my enemy and it was trying to control me

(go back and read my threads you will see the confusion and pain all through them..)

 

I was losing control of myself and I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.. I was reactive, anxiety was taking control. Co-dependency started to surface its ugly head visably (it had been hidden for a long time.)

 

I thought he was cheating on me, I though he was using me. It hurt that he couldn't tell me how he felt about me. It hurt that he wasn't affectionate outside of the bedroom or when he was initiating sex..

He wasn't looking at in the eyes. He seemed more interested in everyone else and he would focus on one or two people that were around and I felt very ignored.

Paranoia was kicking in too.

 

I cried myself to sleep many many nights.

I hurt so bad I thought my chest was going to rip apart from the pressure

I cried until my face was numb and I was wimpering and my bottom lip quivered.. All because of not knowing what was going on and fear of losing him.

 

Then confusion kicked in and I started to analyze things, I posed questions at others to get their feedback. I thought maybe they could stimulate my mind to see more things with their comments.

 

Then the anger kicked in and I got attitude. I started to plan if he and I didn't work out. I was angry because he allowed me into his messed up world and put me through it blinded. He got me hooked on him. My heart falling in love with him and he falls apart..

 

Then I was put on track to look at myself.

Think of what is the problemm--really what is the true problem (look at yourself.)-complaint. Then figure out what was causing that complaint. (what needs wern't being met, etc etc.) then find cure.. (What can I do for myself. If he is willing to work with me to find peace and balance when he comes back.. or if he doesn't come back what am I going to do for myself.. )

 

Your tears are normal and healthy.. Don't feel bad that you are crying. You are hurting, confused. the anger will kick in and then you will start problem solving.

 

Its like a grief process..

 

Be careful that you don't take all these emotions and stages out on him. Don't try to pull him into them with you because you will alienate him and push him further away.

 

Men are from mars

Women are from venus...

 

It is very hard to believe when you feel like everything you believed in is falling apart.

 

The hardest part of all of this is NOT knowing...

So take care of number 1.. YOU...

[RecordProducer]

RP as I have said you make many valid points and I will do what I have to to support his 'dear friends' and be less selfish..but I am astonished that you only offer that I should call him and apologize for being selfish. What he did wasn't cool...

I agree with you, but often in relationships one has to bend over in order that things continue smoothly. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes him. Bending over is never fun, but compromises are often impossible and they only mean that nobody is happy.

 

It sounds to me like this time the ball is in your court. You can let it go and save the relationship or hit your head off the wall numerous times before you realize that the relationship is over. Love is fragile and although it's good to be on YOUR side, sometimes it pays to be on your partner's side.

[Delectable]

Love is fragile and although it's good to be on YOUR side, sometimes it pays to be on your partner's side.

 

Thank you so much for that.

 

(and bending over for him has always been fun)

[amerikajin]

I agree with you, but often in relationships one has to bend over in order that things continue smoothly. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes him. Bending over is never fun, but compromises are often impossible and they only mean that nobody is happy.

 

You compromise on issues, RP, not virtues. Lying can never be tolerated in an intimate relationship. If you do that, you are giving someone carte blanche to run roughshod all over you and to destroy everything you, as a person, stand for.

 

The problem here isn't the ex in the background, it's the pattern of dishonest conduct on the part of her s.o. I don't think someone is necessarily obligated to cut an ex out of the picture entirely, insofar as ex's know their place. But in this case, the combination of a sexual history and her s.o.'s refusal to give an accurate account as to the nature of their relationship, both past and current, really makes things complicated.

[Delectable]

I don't think someone is necessarily obligated to cut an ex out of the picture entirely, insofar as ex's know their place. But in this case, the combination of a sexual history and her s.o.'s refusal to give an accurate account as to the nature of their relationship, both past and current, really makes things complicated.

 

Those have been the words I've been searching for since this began...

[RecordProducer]

You compromise on issues, RP, not virtues. Lying can never be tolerated in an intimate relationship. If you do that, you are giving someone carte blanche to run roughshod all over you and to destroy everything you, as a person, stand for.

According to you, we shouldn't compromise when we discover any lies so we should just walk away immediately, since we only compromise on issues and not on virtues, right? Are you claiming that you've NEVER EVER lied in your whole life?

 

Those have been the words I've been searching for since this began...

I think you're just searching for reasons to justify your anger that caused fights. You're aware that you lost points in his eyes when you caused those fights (aren't you?) We've all been there and know what fights mean. Fights destroy relationships - that's the only general advice I have for ALL cases and all couples. If you fight about the same thing more than 2-3 times, it means nobody wants to make a step backward. In that case, you only have three options: 1. to bend over; 2. to expect from him to bend over (which might mean to continue to fight if he's not willing to); and 3. to end the relationship (probably hoping that this ultimatum will work), which leaves a sour taste in both partners' mouths that their love is not that great.

 

In the long run, it's better to eat some crap than always fights. Sometimes you'll have to say "I'm sorry" when you know (think) you're completely right. If you always seek perfection, not only you'll never find it, but you'll never get along with anyone.

 

As I see it, you only want him to be honest about the communication with her. Well your reputation is that you start an argument at the mention of M's name. Naturally he wants to avoid the arguments, but doesn't want to give up the friendship. So he hid the conversations/meetings from you.

 

You won't make him tell you the truth if you attack him and demand from him to tell you about every time he hears from her. That won't work. Been there, done that.

 

The only way is to show understanding, show that you're not jealous, and NOT demand from him to report every phone call he gets from her. So if you don't want to say you're sorry, just let it go and don't ever mention the whole thing again. But you've gone too far already...

 

Does he know at all what you want from him? Do you? What is it?

[Delectable]

 

Does he know at all what you want from him? Do you? What is it?

 

As a matter of fact yes he does. This first became an issue back in Oct/Nov. We argued off and on until January. He looked at me and said do you think you can just try and trust me. I told him I would tryi if he would just be open and honest about their communications. That very night...she called him and IT WAS THE ONLY TIME HE WAS OPEN AND HONEST he told me...hey she called...I just wanted to do what you asked and tell you.

Did I freak out...no.

Did I argue...no.

Did I snap at him....no.

Did I get mad at him...no.

 

No I wasn't happy...she makes me very sad. But what I did do...was hug him and thank him for telling me.

 

RP THIS IS WHAT BOTHERS ME...he tried what I asked him too once...and he understood and saw what I needed. Heck he even thanked me for not freaking out. So I didn't bring her name up for over 10 weeks until she started posting things like this on line:

'M's BLOG Its amazing how fast people come in and out of my life.... One minute Im falling hard, and have a "new best friend", and then this person comes along, and its crazy how fast everything changed- from what I hear, the same thing happened before with all his friends, but there was a small chance the second time for us things wouldve been different... Guess not! She hates me, Im not too fond of her, and hes in the middle... But hes made it obvious which way he is swinging- and its not twards our friendship, or anything else for that matter... Hours of crying, pointless.... Hours of talking, pointless.... Hours together, wasted.... No regrets, but lots of pain... False hopes lead to a broken <3. Its not the first time for us, and certainly not the last.... =)

and

'M's BLOG Ok, so my blogs havent been the "happiest" as of late, although Im trying... Im trying really hard to keep my head up while Im going through all this stuff in my life. Lets see... In the last week, I got kicked out of my friends house at 6am because he was "starting to have feelings for me".... I got proposed to by my ex boyfriend, which I havent been with in over 2 years.... I found a guy that is f***in rockin but hes got s*** going on in his life just like I do, and so I think it might remain a friends thing for awhile....

and her friends are sending her comments like,"How are things with "(my guys name)". Now according to him she has dated other guys with his name? Maybe...she seems to get around and his name is as common as John, Chris, Mike & Mark.

 

When I felt that he understood what I needed and showed me that he would just let me know when she called. I tabled it. I told him I would try and trust him if he could meet that need. I KEPT MY END OF THE BARGIN. NEITHER he nor I had mentioned her in 10 weeks but now this stuff is popping up so I ask has he been in communication with her...and over the course of 7 days it goes from one end of the spectrum:

No not at all haven't heard from her and a long time...I'm surprised how long its been

to the other...

I don't know how many times I've lied to you about the fact that we talk and make plans to see each other. But the only reason I've lied is to avoid an arguement with you. When you stopped asking about her...we stopped arguing. I would do anything not to argue with you. You are the only woman for me. I don't want to lose you - she is just a dear friend that saw me through one of the darkest periods of my life

So what did I get for not asking about her consistantly or bringing her name up over and over....?

 

I feel decieved. I am angry that you and he have turned this around to be a reason that he should be upset with me. He HAS done something wrong here...I am shocked that you do not see that.

 

But you are correct...what's done is done. You are correct to ask what do I do now...and you are correct...where do I go from here and that I have choices. I want to be with him. So you are telling me that, "sometimes it's better to be on his side than my own" to, "bend over" and that I have to eat crow - WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG. This b*tch puts messages like that up there for him, calls at all hours - she is not making things easier. It's not right RP and it is not cool and you know that. But you know what I am mature enough to know it isn't about making someone wrong or being right...that won't get us anywhere.

 

I have already told him that I would not be mad at him if he was just honest about their communications and I proved to him that I could & would do just that and it was only after I showed him that I could & would when he started lying...under the guise that we were finally not fighting about her so he thought he would keep it that way. Now it's my fault...I don't think so.

 

What do I want from him:

1.)I want to meet her - not to argue with her or attack her. But I want to understand their relationship.

2.)I want him to be honest with me about her. Not so I can argue with him...I have proven that if he is honest about her...without me have to ask about it...we don't argue and I don't get mad.

3.)I want all of this pain and heartache to stop!

 

I don't think a lot of men see when a woman has an agenda...he certainly claims not to. But if she continues to disrespect our realtionship and he continues to turn a blind eye, ignorant eye or a naive eye to it then I CAN CHOOSE to defend me/or relationship and protect me since I feel that he would rather spend time protecting and defending their relationship.

[MadDog]

Classic situation here. The girl who has understandable trust issues and the guy who doesn't realize it.

 

If your dude was a little more keen, he would have made a huge effort to be 100% open & honest with you, regardless of the fear of getting flak from you. Instead he fell into the trap of being dishonest so he wouldn't have to deal with arguments. He took the easy road but as is often the case, it wasn't the right one.

 

I'm a bit skeptical about his not knowing the dates when he dated his ex. If anything, the death of his father would make him remember the timeline even better than usual. It could be another "white lie." You say other than with M, you get along great but I wonder if it has to do with some level of dishonesty not related to her.

 

At the same time, I can't judge his character & don't know what his intentions are with his ex. You obviously can't continue not being able to trust whether he's telling you the truth about M on any given day. He's already lied to you straight up only to subsequently caught in a lie so I don't think even a normally trusting girl would be able to trust him, let alone one with trust issues.

 

The problem with trust is it's very difficult if not impossible to get back once it's lost. I wouldn't blame you at all if his lies caused you to break it off with him to find someone else who would give you 100% honesty and make your job of getting over your issues easier & not nearly impossible like your current guy is doing.

[RecordProducer]

What's cool and what's not is a matter of personal preference. What's right? The truth is somewhere out there.

 

He obviously doesn't want her. He can be with her, but he chooses to be with you. I see that the part that bothers you is that she loves him, but you don't know how HE feels about her. I think it's obvious that he cares about you, not her. Why else would he be with you and not her? He asked you to trust him and you don't. So he is disappointed in that department.

 

The more you create problems the more she will take advantage of your arguments. She already wrote on her blog that you hate her. So you can't just meet her and pretend that you can be her friend. She also stated that he made it clear whom he belongs to. So what more do you want?

 

He lied because he wanted to avoid arguments. He didn't want to fight with you and that is exactly what he got from you - fights. Men don't like drama. Just tell him that you're ok with their friendship and let it go. Don't bring it up again. If he mentions her ever, just smile... that's, of course, if you want to stay in a relationship.

 

Whenever I nagged about things and looked back at it later, it was never worth taking a sweet part of the love. Fights are the worst thing that can happen to love, although I am not saying that you should avoid conflict at any cost (nor do I say that I am not arguing with my husband).

[Delectable]

MAD DOG:

 

There you are...thank you for your response. I value it. I know how little tolerance you have for dishonesty and that it only matches your disgust for women that tend to be too jealous.

 

That being said I have rec'd great input from everyone. I read Pada's posts like they are the bible right now and there was one that has been helpful from back june. This forum has been helpful.

 

Mr. Wonderful has more female friends than male. This is not just an issue about him having friends that are girls. It is just 'M'.

 

I did go apesh*t in the past about his communications with her but tabled it when he promised to be honest...and THAT is when he started being dishonest.

 

I have reconcilled myself to believe that the "dates" were a sincere mix-up. Everybody...he literally talked to everyone (Mother, boss, best friend) about how he could have screwed it up. While I enjoy a good conspiracy theory I don't believe they are all in on it to pull one over on me.

 

I dunno...

 

RecordProducer has read me the riot act but has helped me look at my part in all of this. I am just confused to how she sees his lying as the right thing to do. I don't think I can ever see lying as the right thing to do. He asked me to trust him...and the moment I did..he started lying. I am confused and concerned though how to take responsible for my part but not be a doormat at the same time.

 

We haven't spoken since Monday because he needed time and space????? In my mind he should be trying to make things better. But he says that is what he is trying to do...that our fight about this was so bad on that he is screwing up at work...he "can't think straight" and he "wants to clear his head" and "find a way to make things better". I guess I am the opposite. I feel that since he did this he should be being a little more attentive right now...to me and my feelings.

 

Not to mention it is playing with my insecurities...I'm sick thinking that he might be 'talking' or 'hanging' with 'M' during this time...I am turning into "THAT GIRL" with all of this and I can't stand it...and I wonder if he has even considered that...

[MadDog]

Sorry, I know it's tough. I don't think lying is ever acceptable either.

 

I just caught the line about him showing rage when you talk about this. That's not good at all. Sounds somewhat overly defensive about it. If anything, he should be apologetic and not mad. He's the one making the mistakes here.

 

He might still have feelings for her. Don't know if it will lead to cheating but it could have lead to lying.

 

Setting up a meeting with an ex behind your g/f's back is pretty shady though. I don't think "I didn't want to argue" is an excuse for that kind of behavior.

[whichwayisup]

Go do your own thing and let him figure it out. Right now it's out of your hands unless you want to break up with him. But, I don't think you want to do that.

 

Though, you can make PERFECTLY clear to him that you won't tolerate ANY bulls***, more lies anymore. That if you catch him cheating on you then it's OVER. But, until then you are trusting him. So, hopefully by saying that he will do what is necessary to make it all OK and for you not to worry.

 

Don't let this play inside your head and make you feel insecure. This isn't about you - It's HIM and his s***, his need to have lots of attention.

 

Go be busy, hang with friends and forget about him for a little while. Enjoy life and just see what happens in the upcoming week.