me understand....

[RecordProducer]

The thing is, when you're married you can claim rights. But when you're dating, the more you feel insecure in the relationship the less you have a right to complain. If your guy doesn't love you then you have no right to demand anything from him. I find it ridiculous when women want their man to commit to them. If the guy refuses to commit then there's nothing that the woman can do, except patiently wait or leave.

 

Requesting reports about every conversation he's had with this woman is a part of commitment. That's if you see this whole thing from a very negative perspective. If you give in to your insecurities about how he doesn't care about you, lies, cheats, and whatever. Then you should accept that things are the way they are - he doesn't love you - so he is not committed to you. If he is not committed then what the hell do you expect from him? You're not married, you can walk away if you think he's giving you less than you deserve..

 

However the truth is far from this, isn't it? He seems to care about you a lot, he is wonderful to you, and enjoys being with you. He's made it clear to everyone that he's with YOU and no one else is in his heart. He's asked you to trust him and have faith in him, he's told you he didn't want to fight with you and would do anything to prevent the fights...

 

It takes time to build trust. If you put everyone who told a little lie immediately in the ninth circle then we should all burn in hell.

 

I feel competent to talk about this subject, not because I am smart and you're dumb, but because I've made the very same dumb mistakes that you're doing right now. I've given my husband (while we were dating too) a pile of sh*t about other women. First I was jealous of his first wife (I am his third) with whom he's still friends and has lunch a few times a year. I was jealous because she desperately wants to re-marry him. At my first impulse I told him to cut her off completely and he said "OK" (but never did it, thank god!). Later I discovered that she is a mentally ill drug addict, and although she is beautiful, I am not jealous of her, because I realized long time ago that he has no romantic feelings for her whatsoever; he is just helping her when she feels depressed (she is bipolar), cuz he's a good person.

 

I was also jealous of him dancing with some women he slept with in the past (he's a great ballroom/Latin dancer) and gave him sh*t about it too, until I realized that he has no feelings at all for these women; they just all go to the same place to dance for years.

 

Here and there I'd give him a hard time about some emails from certain women, even online friends he never met in person. And every time I thought I was right. Every time I went crazy, yelled, cried, and threatened to break up with him.

 

Taught by this experience, he hid some things from me and when I would discover them, it would make me even more angry. All these fights leave scars. One day they start leaving open wounds that don't heal anymore. Thank god, I stopped with my jealousy on time. Time (i.e. observing his behavior) made me trust him completely and realize what a fool I was.

 

Recently, a friend of my husband's mentioned that when they flew to Fort Lauderdale more than a year ago (4 months into our relationship), my husband wanted them to go to a ballroom place where he knew he would find his second ex-wife (she's a great dancer too). So they danced together.

 

He never told me about this. Now if I wanted to start with questions, I could ask him why he never mentioned this to me and spill all kinds of accusations, but the truth is - I know why he hid this from me - because he feared my reaction. And at the time, I would've probably been completely jealous and mad. But from this perspective, now that I know him much better, I don't even think it's worth mentioning. I know his feelings for me and I know his feelings for his ex-wife; I don't think he did anything wrong and I know why he hid it from me. Mentioning it to him would only lead to another futile argument. Instead, I would rather have a nice, enjoyable evening with him...So I never asked him about this.

 

See, it's so easy to jump at your first impulse, yell, demand, attack, and threaten... It's so hard to count to ten before you open your mouth, to understand, to forgive, to be patient... My whole life I've been the former; now I am learning to be the latter. It's easy to say "I am right!"; it's hard to say "I am wrong." And I was wrong. But at the time of the happenings I was sure I was right.

 

Look at the big picture and think about how sweet he is to you; how he kisses you, touches you, talks to you, looks at you, misses you.. Give him time to show you how much he really cares. The fact is, you don't really know what the truth is. If you knew for sure that he only likes her as a friend and not one bit as a woman, would you still be upset? I don't think so. Well he knows what the truth is. So observe his behavior (toward YOU, not her!) and make your own conclusions.

 

Lincoln said once: "Until age thirty I was learning to talk; after thirty, I started learning to listen."

 

Listen to your lover when he says:

... The only reason I've lied is to avoid an argument with you. When you stopped asking about her...we stopped arguing. I would do anything not to argue with you. You are the only woman for me. I don't want to lose you - she is just a dear friend that saw me through one of the darkest periods of my life.

 

We're both in our thirties so it's time for us to grow up.

[amerikajin]

RP,

 

According to you, we shouldn't compromise when we discover any lies so we should just walk away immediately, since we only compromise on issues and not on virtues, right? Are you claiming that you've NEVER EVER lied in your whole life?

 

That's a bit of overreach on your part. Of course I've told lies before, and I've even told lies in relationships - not something I'm especially proud of, but I've committed that violation nevertheless, and I've also been held accountable for those lies whenever they've been exposed. Moreover, I would have done the same thing had the tables been turned.

 

We're not talking about a lie as in her boyfriend saying she likes her polked dotted undies when in reality he can't stand them; we're talking about someone who's obviously trying to conceal some aspects of a past relationship with someone with whom he also maintains a current relationship, while simultaneously dating the woman who started this thread. Look, if you want to look the other way in your relationship when someone reveals himself to be a serial dissembler, that's your prerogative - all I'm saying is that it's perfectly understandable that the poster maintains a certain sense of unease. I would feel the same way, and apparently a lot of other people who've followed this thread feel the same way.

[Delectable]

I had a family trauma today. I feel lost. I want to talk to my best friend...and he is wanting space.

 

My nephew who was in rehab..opted out and when he wanted to go home and my sister said no he went on a binge and overdosed on crack, barbituates and alcohol.

 

I want my boyfriend right now...he is my best friend. I'm scared at the reality that I might have been looking at him through rose colored glasses and he isn't who I think he is...or worse that he is Mr. Wonderful and I f'd up.

 

I need him and he is 1,000,000 miles away.

[francis]

hey, i'm sorry that you are going through additional pain

 

it is normal to want to turn to him right now

 

stay calm, don't do anything irrational

 

your instinct tells you to run to him

 

but instead, trust in yourself and show that you can be self-reliant

 

you are strong

 

believe in yourself

 

this situation has put a lot of self-doubt into you

 

don't show yourself to be weak and don't use him as a crutch to your problems, he is not the appropriate person at the moment to support you, in my opinion

 

its not about you, its about your nephew

 

its not about having someone there for you

 

its about YOU being there for your family

[amerikajin]

I need him and he is 1,000,000 miles away.

 

You don't need him. You basically like him and that's a good thing, but you don't need him.

 

Be objective about things. He's been dishonest with you and you have a right to feel upset about that. Period.

[Sal Paradise]

This is why you don't date people who remain friends with exes. You will never be ok with this. You know this. Nor should you have to be ok with it. She obviously wants him back. And he sounds confused. Tell him to drop her or you're gone. Tell him if you find out he so much as talked to her you're gone.

 

He will probably agree to cut her out. And then you will catch him lying. He has been dishonest with you and will again. Personally I'd just end it before you get yourself in any deeper.

[RecordProducer]

I am so sorry for your loss. Does your boyfriend know what happened? If not, call him and tell him. He is you BF that cares about you, for god's sake! Why are you screwing up things further? Forget about M, concentrate on the good things. If you only look at the dark side of everything, you'll never be happy, because there's dark side in everything.

 

Love requires effort and patience. If you dump people at the first mistake they make, you will dump everyone you meet, cuz people make mistakes all the time. Deal with this M thing in a calm and mature way, don't lose control over yourself because of her. She is just not worth it, he doesn't want her! (And no, he doesn't seem confused about it, he seems very determined about being only with you).

 

Have you ever been married before? Do you have children?

[Delectable]

Never married...no kids

[Delectable]

Hi all.

 

First let me say thank you for everyone's response. This is the first time I've ever used a message board and everyones replies were very helpful. Without them I know for a fact that things would have had a very different outcome.

 

My nephew is out of the hospital and has had to committ himself to a rehab facility for a 12 month period.

 

Mr. Wonderful and I spoke on Thursday of last week. Of course i was anxious to know where he stood on everything but he wanted to talk in person on Friday. So on Friday I went to his place and we didn't get around to talking about things right away. he was so happy to see me and I was so happy to see him we just co-exsisted for awhile and then I said,"I want to talk about things but I'm so scared because it feels nice right now." We did, however, get to talking about it. We didn't argue...it was not heated...

 

He said he was lying because during the period of time that we were arguing so much about it...and he wasn't lying he was being considered a liar anyway...and then when we were getting along he didn't want to bring anything about her up to rock the boat. I told him how not okay that was. I told him that now I feel if he could lie about some things about her what else could he lie about. He said he didn't know what he could do about earning my trust back, he was open to me telling him but...I honestly don't know the magic solution either.

 

He said he would do his best not to lie anymore. This was a problem for me because I wanted to hear him say I will never EVER lie ever again...but he said that he would not speak in absolutes....and he would only say that he would do his best....he said that he had f'd up before and he didn't want to f up again and hear me say..."YOU PROMISED". He did tell me that he has never cheated on a girl in the past and he would not start with me. I told him that if she really means that much to him...I in no way want her out of his life but it is important that he helps me understand their friendship. I told him that if I knew that he loved me this wouldn't be an arguement. I told him I didn't want to hear it just because I was saying that...but I told him that I know how hard it is for him to committ to those feelings and that if I was a bit more secure in our relationship I would know where I stood.

 

He also admitted that all of the arguing, constant questioning, the fact that we have spent every Friday, Saturday and Sunday together since August 7, and spend hours online or on the telephone with each other every week night. - had made a man that was single for a long time and used to having his own space and time was making him feel smothered. This of course made me panic a bit but he also admitted that all the time spent was time that he wanted to spend with me but with the arguing and mistrust he had started feeling that even on a week night if he wanted to just chill watch his shows, he felt he couldn't tell me,"hey can we talk tomorrow or I'll call you later tonight" ... because if he did he felt that I would think something was up and that was the smothered feeling. This is the only reason he said he needed a couple of days last week. While my insecurities wanted to yell out,"yeah just so you can have more time to lie about." I realized how hard it was for BOTH of us to have this conversation and how he was holding my hand as we were talking looking me directly in the eyes and that he was being completely sincere. I realized then how much power I had given my insecurities. He also asked me not to play the 'what if' game so much...because it was causing us too much damage.

 

He was trying to be overly accesible to me to make me feel secure and all the while he felt like I didn't believe what he was saying. I apologized for my behavior. NOT FOR MY FEELINGS but for my behavior.

 

I told him that I do believe him. which I do. But I told him that he turns a blind eye or really truly doesn't see that 'M' may have an alterior motive here or there. He said he was open to seeing that now.

 

I am going to let her dig her own hole for herself. If he is up to no good...I will learn it sooner rather than later as one of 'M's friends has begun to comiserate about her. I am going to curb my behavior around this situation. I will not freak out or cause WWIII at the mention of her name. I will support their friendship - HE HAS COMITTED TO HELPING ME UNDERSTAND THEIR FRIENDSHIP AND TO REMAIN HONEST ABOUT IT. I must say however...I don't think he is going to lie about her again but if I am responsible about my behavior and not giving him a reason to panic and lie about it and he isn't on the level...then I will have no choice to move on.

 

I don't know if this is a mistake...it doesn't feel like one. I don't know if I am being a fool...I don't feel like one. He said that it isn't about his apology...it's about what he does afterwards...and I'm willing to give this a second chance.

 

I found myself stealing glances at him over the weekend...and my butterflies are still there. I am so in love with him.

[blind_otter]

congrats. I am glad this came to a favorable resolution.

 

That souned really formal....

[Delectable]

lol...it did sound quite formal