How to tell your wife her tight clothes are inappropriote for work?

[eagle22]

I am new to this forum, but would love some constructive feedback and/or helpful opinions about this matter. It's difficult to find people with an unbiased perspective...Thanks!

 

Here's my story, I will get into it more later on with questions. I am currently married to my lovely wife now for 8 months and we date for a little more than 7 years. We are the best of friends and have a good solid love life. We now are "growing up" a little bit, have graduated, bought a house, have pets, and well respectable jobs, etc. My problem, and yes I consider it more my problem than hers, is that I don't know how to have a constructive conversation about her wearing certain types of clothes to work. Every time I bring up this matter with her, it's always perceived as negative, insulting, or nagging. I honestly, do not want to make it such a big deal; I just want her to be aware (I know how guys are). She loves fashion, loves her clothes, and really keeps up with the trends and everything (a regular In Style reader). I know she would not do anything of the soft, as far as cheating, etc. I sometimes cannot help myself from saying, "is that what you're wearing to work?"

 

How can I tell her that the shirts she wears are way too tight and are not appropriate to wear to work? Many of which show her nipples on purpose with thin bras, lots of cleavage, and so tight that you can make out every square cm of her body. To me this is not appropriate to wear to work... I can't figure out why she continues to wear them. My only conclusion is for attention purposes... She also wears super tight pants that are just about painted on to her, allowing you to see her thong through her pants or sticking out above with her butt crack. It makes me feel bad, when I know what people are whispering about her (my wife).

 

She's not overweight and I am not trying to say that she gained weight, I love her body, but she still tries to wear the clothes that she wore in middle school.

 

I also feel like there's a lack of acknowledgment on her part for herself. Such as, getting dressed in front of an open window, going to the bathroom in public restrooms without locking the door, not minding someone seeing her naked....

 

How do I get my point across to her without sounding mean or inconsiderate?

 

Thanks, I am really struggling with this and would love some feedback!

[Curmudgeon]

Methinks you may have an exhibitionist on your hands. However, is this something you only began to notice during the eight months you've been married or was she this way for the far longer seven years you dated?

 

If she's always been this way then it's a cry for attention from someone who thinks her body is her only relevant asset. That could take therapy to re-establish her self-esteem and sense of worth beyond the merely physical.

 

Perhaps you should talk to a therapist about a good approach.

[lilah]

Did she dress this way and behave inappropriately before you were married, or is this something new? It sounds like you are trying to protect her, but maybe she likes to dress sexy because it makes her feel good about herself. Maybe she doesn't care what others think of her. Is there a possibility of her losing her job over her wardrobe?

[eagle22]

She has always dressed the same way....but when we were younger (in college) it was okay because we were in college, ya know. But now when she goes to work it's a little different. My wife is not "trashy" at all, and it's really only boarder line innapropriote, but I really think it's an issue between us. Everytime we walk into a store or someone house, I notice every single guy check her out... I have commented about this before, in fact, I did a lot for a while and then dropped it hopping for change, but it's never gotten better.

 

I do admit I am a little protective, but she does like that security feeling. She's a very independent person as well and that's what I love about her. She always comments that she likes the way she dresses and it makes her feel good about herself, like you said. I don't really think she cares as much about other people, but probably more the girls than the guys. It's like she's showing off all the time.

 

She is well respected at work, and this is NOT an issue with her job of any sort. However, I think she gets some of it from her mom because she always commented that she got her job and/or promotions because "she was so cute."

 

It get's a little old, though.

[eagle22]

An example that I still cannot get a straight answer too. We turned one of our spare bedrooms, that has three large windows, into her closet. So she has all her clothes in there that she could ever need to try on. I put up blinds on the one window and have covered up another with a wardrobe, but there is still one huge 64"x36" window that is not covered. It looks out to our backyard, but our house is definitely visible to some of the neighbors, especially at night when it's dark and she has the light on. I have ask her numberous time to cover the window and ask her why she insists and doesn't think it's a big deal to change in front of the window. She says, "no one can see in, I am not doing it on purpose." But, why not just cover it up? Does anyone else do this? Is it just me??? I can't get my wife to change her perspective on this...

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

 

I know how you feel. I used to like to dress like the teenagers - you know what I mean. Ok, what worked for me were the following:

1. My husband insisted on shopping with me and somehow, his opinion mattered to me.

2. His friends agreed with him.

3. My parents agreed with him.

 

Good luck!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

An example that I still cannot get a straight answer too. We turned one of our spare bedrooms, that has three large windows, into her closet. So she has all her clothes in there that she could ever need to try on. I put up blinds on the one window and have covered up another with a wardrobe, but there is still one huge 64"x36" window that is not covered. It looks out to our backyard, but our house is definitely visible to some of the neighbors, especially at night when it's dark and she has the light on. I have ask her numberous time to cover the window and ask her why she insists and doesn't think it's a big deal to change in front of the window. She says, "no one can see in, I am not doing it on purpose." But, why not just cover it up? Does anyone else do this? Is it just me??? I can't get my wife to change her perspective on this...

 

 

Ugh. This does make her an EXHIBITIONIST. I don't know how to deal with one. Sorry.

[eagle22]

Thank you for your comments. Those suggestion all seem real to me. In fact, we have done the shopping thing together and that does work! I just can't afford to buy her a whole new waredrobe! Some of my friends would agree, others wouldn't understand, unless they are married. Her parents are the most liberal parents ever and would probably only support what ever my wife thought was best for her. Actually, her mom said "if those pants will get you the job then wear the pants!"

[SoleMate]

I suggest you buy and install a window covering.

[eagle22]

She's not an exibishionist.... my wife is a classy lady who enjoys the finer things in life, but she insists in showing her belly, low back or butt, and wears extremely tight clothes. Her clothes look like they are cutting of the circulation to her arms and I am not sure how she breaths. I am not trying to be funny, but this is how I try and explain it to her sometimes.

 

Should I be concerned? or should I be drinking the warm glass of milk?

[Curmudgeon]

Go beyond the label and try to figure out what's motivating her to show off her body and ignore her husband's concerns and discomfort.

[whichwayisup]

She HAS to stop listening so much to her mother. That's for sure. I mean, from where I sit, isn't it better know you worked your tail off to get a job or a raise because you deserved it??? Not because you looked "cute" or "hot" in an outfit. That's the wrong thing for her mom to be telling her!

 

The walking around naked/changing infront of a window - Unless that really bugs you, let it go. It doesn't bother her at all so it seems, so try not to let that get to you. I think the first thing is to try to get her to dress more classy rather than 'eye' catching. She can look just as sexy, even more 'chic' if she covered up abit with a shawl or a silk scarf.

 

I'm 35 years old and I know I have the body for whatever I'd like to wear but I wouldn't feel comfy dressed in something that showed off my whole body. I'm there to DO a job, not for show. Seems she is desiring others to "look" at her so she can feel good about herself.

 

This isn't about her being classy or not, I'm sure she is...It's just that the work place is not suitable to be dressing that sexy. It is distracting and honestly, I'm surprised noone has said anything to her boss. Or that her boss hasn't asked her to cover up abit more.

[eagle22]

She is a very intelligent woman, but she is and has always been told that she is absolutely beautiful. She was spoiled growing up, got pretty much everything she wanted. She was always one of the most popular girls, etc. She's always has dressed the same way, I just thought she would grow out of it. I was wrong.

 

I suppose I could have something to do with it? I guess maybe I need to give her more attention, more loving comments, more kisses, I don't know.

 

The thing is...it's such a stupid thing to argue about, so normally I don't bring it up. I still thinks it's an issue and sometimes a very big issue. She get's this from her mom, I know it. Her mom is older and wear very boarderline clothes herself. Parent's both have plenty of cosmetic surgery, oh and her sister has fake boobs. I am trying to think of reasons for such a long term issue.

 

I just feel like, okay, now we are married you don't have to necessary go flaunt everything like you used too.

[Curmudgeon]

I don't envy you. There's a lot of family history, expectation and acceptance to deal with. Perhaps she'll just outgrow it. But unfortunately, her mother/role model hasn't.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Actually, I know someone like your wife who insists on dressing in the latest fashion. It doesn't go away... it is like a habit. My best advice for you is changing your own perception of how she dresses. You liked it before... and don't worry about the rest. She's your wife. Even if other men oogle all over her, she still ends up in bed with YOU every night.

 

It is a small issue... that can be a non-issue if you are smart.

[eagle22]

Whichwayisup - I respect those comments. Unfortunatley, she works in the Media business (not on camera), but it's very competative and appearence has a lot to do with it. At least that's what she tells me. Her boss is a male, and my wife has even said in front of me and her coworkers, that her boss likes you as long as you can write and look good everyday by wearing "nice" clothes.

 

I can probably fix the window thing.

 

"Seems she is desiring others to "look" at her so she can feel good about herself." I think this is right on point. What do I do about it?

 

Her mom is quite an issue.

[whichwayisup]

Cur is right. Her upbringing, her mom and sister have alot to do with why she is the way she is. And that is why she probably feels like it's no big deal because to her, it isn't!

 

I do hope that she sees your side of things and it's not just black/white in her eyes. I want this and that is that - Hopefully she is willling to listen and compromise. That is what marriage is about.

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup - I respect those comments. Unfortunatley, she works in the Media business (not on camera), but it's very competative and appearence has a lot to do with it. At least that's what she tells me. Her boss is a male, and my wife has even said in front of me and her coworkers, that her boss likes you as long as you can write and look good everyday by wearing "nice" clothes.

 

I can probably fix the window thing.

 

"Seems she is desiring others to "look" at her so she can feel good about herself." I think this is right on point. What do I do about it?

 

Her mom is quite an issue.

 

I understand completely. I'm media too, more behind the scenes than infront of a camera, but still - So I know all about that media atmosphere. Funny thing is, at my previous job, most of us just wore jeans and tshirts. I worked mostly with just men. My boss was a man too. I just couldn't give a crap either way of what I looked like most of the time.

 

Her issues about wanting to look good aren't about you. It's her self image.

So, for starters, when you two are alone, try to get her in more comfy wear. No make-up, more natural looking and TELL her how sexy and hot she looks. Even go so far to tell her that she is absolutely beautiful without the makeup and sexy clothes...Be romantic with her, cuddle and kiss her. Do nice things for her that you know will make her smile.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, the mom thing ... Let me think about that! That's a whole nother issue in itself!

[eagle22]

I think you're understanding where I am coming from.... After reading some of my commnets over and over, a few of them seem a little harsh. I don't mean to say she's a crazy women, just competative and persistant with what's she's always done.

 

The funny thing is, when she get's home from work the FIRST thing she does is change into comfy clothes! I ask, "why do you wear those clothes all day if they aren't comfortable?" She replies, "I have to dress up for work!" We always lay around on the couch is sweats and t-shirts. Weekends are similar too, but when ever we "leave the house" she changes into something small and tight. I am like, "we are only going to the grocery store!"

 

Okay her mom: Divorced twice, and just got married for a third time last month, about 6 months after we got married and six months before her sister is getting married! What kind of mom gets married in between her two daughters in less than a year and a half!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

eagle22,

 

did you read my post??

 

I don't think that your wife is bad at all! It is just a habit - that you need to get yourself out of worrying about.

 

She sounds like a real catch to me. I like to dress up too. My husband will not comment unless it makes me look "trashy".

[eagle22]

Cur is right. Her upbringing, her mom and sister have alot to do with why she is the way she is. And that is why she probably feels like it's no big deal because to her, it isn't!

 

I think you're right here. She is not doing it on purpose, it's what she thinks is exceptable from her past and from her role models. My wife knows, and admits that her mom and sister have "issues" and doesn't aspire to be just like them, but I think she is doing the same thing they are without even knowing. I guess that's why they call it family..... My wife is like the good daughter and has always been expected to succeed, which she has and will continue to do. But, why is this little issue making me so mad at times that it ruins our dinner or night out or quick lunch breaks. When we go to family events, even my dad and/brothers will glare at her...it's uncomfortable for me. I don't want to have my wife be "that" girl that everyone looks at.

[whichwayisup]

I think you're understanding where I am coming from.... After reading some of my commnets over and over, a few of them seem a little harsh. I don't mean to say she's a crazy women, just competative and persistant with what's she's always done.

 

Yup I do. You weren't too harsh, don't worry about. Part of posting here is to rant and get stuff out ... Partially for advice and also to get a load off of your mind.

 

The funny thing is, when she get's home from work the FIRST thing she does is change into comfy clothes! I ask, "why do you wear those clothes all day if they aren't comfortable?" She replies, "I have to dress up for work!" We always lay around on the couch is sweats and t-shirts. Weekends are similar too, but when ever we "leave the house" she changes into something small and tight. I am like, "we are only going to the grocery store!"

 

OK, that is good that she can relax and be cozy with you. (Comfy clothing I mean) Can she do that with friends and family too?

 

HA, here is a test for you. Wake her up one morning and just say you have 2 minutes to brush your teeth, go to the bathroom and let's go! Then just take her out to a greasy spoon breakfast joint. You know those Mom and Pop wonderful cheap yet yummy restaurants? Don't give her a chance to dress up or put on makeup! Just GO. (Actually it's a test for her.) She HAS to do this at times for her own benefit.

 

Okay her mom: Divorced twice, and just got married for a third time last month, about 6 months after we got married and six months before her sister is getting married! What kind of mom gets married in between her two daughters in less than a year and a half!

 

Wow. Talk about wanting the attention! I assume growing up there was ALOT of competition between mom and daughters...Just hope their mom didn't make the sisters compete. That's bad if so. How is her relationship with her sister?

[whichwayisup]

When we go to family events, even my dad and/brothers will glare at her...it's uncomfortable for me. I don't want to have my wife be "that" girl that everyone looks at.

 

Because of this, what you said...You have to tell your wife.

 

Reverse the situation for second. Say you started dressing down more. And she felt you weren't as fashionable, you started wearing old tshirts with holes and sweatpants that were basically not appealing to the eyes...You can bet your butt that she WOULD tell you to start dressing better. That you are embarressing her abit by how you look in public. The difference would be though is you probably would do what she wanted and not give it a second thought or feel bad about it...She WILL though. So, just casually bring it up and mention just maybe when the families get together she can dress abit more less 'eye' appealing...Then add in about what if you were dressing funny and she didn't like it. See how she reacts.

[eagle22]

her sisters relationship has benn off and on. When they were yonger they were very very close, and my wife (the younger sister) was always trying to be as good as her older sister. But, once college started they began to drift apart a bit and really spent more time doing there own thing. Her sister had some non-conventional issues, but that's another post. Anyhow, when they got a little older we got married, and I think a lot of jealously set in. Her older sister was kind of jealous that her younger sister got married and moved out first kind of thing. But, now my wife is planner her sister wedding and it their relationship seems to be a lot more productive. Of course they both gang up on her mom and both think she's "crazy."

 

My wife is able to be confortable with our friends and family in very laid back situations. It's more her just getting dress to go out of the house to work. Also, when it's hot outside the issues gets even worse because the cloths just keep getting smaller.

 

 

I need to explain how she needs to move into the next stage of her life and stop being a child. I don't want her to dress in rags, I love it when she looks good, but I don't want eveyone to stare at her just because of what she's wearing.