Called Sheriff on OM and W

[vikingruler]

Okay I really screwed this one up... My W and I seperated 5 days ago after she told me she didn't love me and couldn't forgive me for an sleeping with a prostitute 2.5 years ago. She rattled of a whole list of other complaints about me. We seperated for a brief time back in August and I really realized i needed to change things so I started down the path of realization and change for me not her (I have read the other threads on that subject).

 

So last week we had to take a trip to NY to move her mom and dad down to our house as they are moving to NC. While going up she opened up to me, as I had my suspesions that she was talking to OM. She said she is

 

I think she is feeling really comfortable in her situation having family near now and a OM that is letting her cry on her shoulder. So she really opened up and told me how the OM made her feel and how she doesn love me anymore.

 

Now we have been married for 11 years, its been tough, we have 3 daughter's.

 

So when we got back from NY I moved her parents luggage in and moved mine out. I found out the next day she had gone and seen him - walked in the park. Then she went out that night with him and his friends. I also found out that she went back to the friends place - so I visited it and placed a picture of her that I carried on her window. Then went to my house and moved the rest of my stuff out.

 

I told here I wanted to do what was right by her

 

Then we started talking about the seperation and the kids.

 

I kept telling her that the OM was influencing her and she wasn't being honest about that she was done with me and wanted to focus on the on the kids.... but she stills spent lot of time with the OM

 

Now there has been no sex between them.... I believe her on that.

 

So last night I find out that his car was in my driveway from 11pm to 1am... so I called the sheriff to investigate, there wasn't anything more going on than them talking - sheriff told me that.

 

Today she called me very upset and very pissed off.

 

She wants to move along with the seperation and eventual divorce.

 

We have talked about what she will get and what I will have to pay.... but now with all the evidence for here OM. I have the option in North Carolina to go after him for alienation of affection - other words I will take him for all she takes me for - which thus far she has not threatened that.

 

So I am being a big idiot and huge jerk, in my heart I know I love I just don't know if she could ever love me again. I have been the provider for so long I don't know how to share responsibility.

 

We are suppose to get together in the next day to start filling out seperation paper work. I am in no rush now.

 

So I want to take a month away from the whole situation and not contact her and let the kids call me when they want... like a business trip. So I can get my head on straight.

 

I think if we really seperate she might start processing some of her emotions and pain. I asked if she would hold off on a relationship with the OM and she said that they talked about it and would not "date" for six months but they would still talk - I asked if she would just focus on her and the kids and not the OM - she got made at me for wanting to control her.

 

I want to know what I should do?

[Guest]

Today I gained access to her phones text messages - which the OM sends a lot of them to her.

 

now the first one this morning said I love you, the one tonight said I love you msrs xxxxx.

 

I can believe this creep is already sending her stuff like that, we have been seperated for 5 days and he's trying to move in quick.

 

I don't know if she is really following for it or not.

 

I have told here I want some time to my self and get ready for the seperation paper work and the changes that are about to come

 

....man this room I am in is small- its about as big as my old closet

 

So I can only sit back and watch what she does

[Ladyjane14]

So I want to take a month away from the whole situation and not contact her and let the kids call me when they want... like a business trip. So I can get my head on straight.

 

I think it's ALWAYS a mistake to separate from your kids. Allowing them to "call when they want" isn't the same as being consistant in their daily lives.

 

I went back and took a look at your other posts, and I'm concerned that the children are being lost in the shuffle to some degree. There are some big, emotional issues between the adults in their lives, things they can't possible understand. This has got to be a really confusing time for them, so the last thing they need right now is one of the parents dropping off the map, right?

 

I recommend to you first and foremost that you obtain a copy of Surviving An Affair. I think it'll shed some light on why you had your affairs, and why your wife is having one now. You'll also find some strategies on what you can do next.

 

If it is at all possible to backpeddle on the decision to separate, I think you ought to go back home. You'd be in a better position to show your wife that you've made the appropriate changes and that you can and will be a better husband to her. Actions speak louder than words here.

 

If she won't allow you back, then at least visit with your children every day. Make a plan that allows you to have dinner with them, or tuck them in, or whatever can be incorporated into their daily routine. Even if your wife doesn't want to share in those 'family times', she will at least observe you being a good father to the kids. This will fulfill an important EN (emotional need) for her. Most women rank 'being a good daddy' pretty high on the list of what makes a man an attractive mate.

 

If you want to save your marriage, it's too early to go to NC (no contact). You don't have a spotless track record here. You've been unfaithful and you've got a history of neglecting your wife's ENs. Don't get me wrong, I don't approve of your wife's current EA in any way. But the bottom line is that she could have divorced you out-of-hand based on the fact that you cheated with a prostitute. In her position....that's what I would most certainly have done.

 

It's an unfortunate position to be in....but I think you're going to have to beat the other guy's time here. Your wife needs to see YOU as the preferable alternative to divorce, and she's not going to see that while you're rattling your saber at her.

 

Yes, you should keep reminding her that she IS married and that her "friendship" with the OM is inappropriate and hurtful. You should NEVER give her your permission to go outside the marriage. But you ALSO need to start showing her in actions that you are a man of your word, a guy that she can count on. Not a guy that runs away when he doesn't get what he wants. She's watching you to see what you'll do.

 

If you're still in counseling, great. If not, this is a good time to go back to it. You'll need to prove that you've made lasting changes, and that you're never going to make the mistakes you made before.

 

After awhile, when you've done everything in your power to let your wife know that you really are THE GUY, then it might be time to go into NC with her. But there's NEVER a time when you can withdraw from your kids.

 

It's not going to do any good to go NC with the wife....if she doesn't have fabulously good reasons to miss you.

 

When you start fulfilling ENs for her now, and then withdraw later into NC, you create a vacuum. This is outlined in Surviving An Affair and at marriagebuilders.com. The vacuum effect leave OM stuck trying to fill both the ENs she was receiving from him, and all the ones she was receiving from YOU. Usually, that's more pressure than an OP can handle.

[SoleMate]

Excellent advice from the Lady.

 

It may seem that the OM has the upper hand, but it doesn't have to be that way. I am sure that at some level, your wife would prefer you back, as her husband and the father of her children, in an intact family.

 

I think if we really seperate she might start processing some of her emotions and pain.

I think separation only makes sense if you're sure you want the marriage to be over, OR if you can't stay civil and constructive. Otherwise, if you want to stay married, stay in the same house.

 

I asked if she would hold off on a relationship with the OM and she said that they talked about it and would not "date" for six months but they would still talk.

The thing that MIGHT prevent their r/s from progressing would be her belief that you have changed and are doing a great job meeting her ENs. Otherwise, unless she has a heart of steel, or the OM is a major creep, it is likely they will be deeply in love by that time. BTW, you seem to think that sex with the OM is the biggest threat to your marriage. It's not. It's her emotional attachment to the OM, which can progress very nicely without any sexual activity at all.

 

I asked if she would just focus on her and the kids and not the OM - she got made at me for wanting to control her.

Right. I understand your reasoning for the request, but it is not realistic. Separating from you is causing her a lot of pain and anxiety and she has found a way to reduce that by her r/s with the OM. To accomplish your goal, make it clear that YOU can do and ARE doing the best job to meet her ENs. There is hope.

 

Oh, I should have mentioned...your marital problems are not properly the subject for law enforcement activity. The sheriff is not going to make your wife start loving you again. Call the sheriff only if you have a reasonable belief that someone is in danger. Whatever your wife may be doing with the OM, including any possible sexual activity, the law cannot assist you and it is not correct to involve them.

[Mz. Pixie]

What kind of text messages is she sending to the OM??

 

In reality, if he's saying that he loves her- there is more going on than you think. I'd bet money on the fact that she's been seeing him before the separation. Take advice from me, who used to be a cheating wife. There is more to this situation than you're aware of.

 

Otherwise, LJ is right on with her advice to you. You can't exactly make this about she's the bad guy here, because you cheated with a prostitute. You've both made mistakes. Make it more about how you've made changes and are willing to do so even further and work on the marriage, but that she needs to let go of OM to do that.

 

She's telling you what you want to hear about her relationship with him- such as they won't date for six months or whatever. He was already over there late, at a time which wasn't appropriate for conversation and you caught them. As for calling the sherriff, I'm not sure what he could do- unless adultery is illegal in your state but I can see how it probably made you feel better.

[catgirl1927]

You don't really love her or you wouldn't have cheated with a hooker. I like how that's just a footnote in your long story of how YOU have been wronged and SHE is to blame. She should have gotten you out of her and her daughter's lives when you did that. What a terrible example of how men are for them to see.

[blind_otter]

Don't call the cops on people who aren't breaking the law. They have better things to do, like actually protect the safety of other people.

 

Don't snoop in other people's private communications. I do not know why people think this is OK if you're married or whatever. That's absolute bulls***.

 

Someone else said (on this site, no less), even if I have nothing to hide -- I STILL HAVE A RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

 

 

Thanks so much.

[Blind Illusion]

. My W and I seperated 5 days ago after she told me she didn't love me and couldn't forgive me for an sleeping with a prostitute 2.5 years ago.

 

 

 

Now there has been no sex between them.... I believe her on that.

 

 

 

And there is only ONE wrong doer in this scenario? I'm kind of curious here. If you can get "all you can..." for alientation of affection where no sex transpired, how much should you wife get for the 2.5 years ago incident where it did? Perhaps the sheriff should have been called in there where there was an actual breaking of the law, namely prostitution.

[MadDog]

she told me she didn't love me and couldn't forgive me for an sleeping with a prostitute 2.5 years ago. She rattled of a whole list of other complaints about me.

 

Does she really need any other compliaints? Dude, you've got some issues if you need to see a ho, especially while you're married. I know you'll never see it but the OM will probably treat her better than you did.

[Owl]

Blind Otter-

 

As far as snooping on 'people's private communications'...what's worse, conducting an affair and lying to your husband, or snooping her cell phone to find out the TRUTH of what's going on? Obviously she's going to lie about the entire situation...how is he supposed to get the TRUTH about what's happening and tailor his actions to end the affair? You and I have disagreed on this before, and I don't mean to rehash the whole thing, but I'd love to hear how you recommend that he find out the truth about the relationship with the OM and take the actions needed to end the affair without 'snooping'?

 

Calling the cops...I tend to agree with you here. If he truly thought she was in danger, that's one thing. And in truth, if I were headed home and knew that OM was in MY HOUSE and I was headed there...I'd likely call the cops as well...because the odds would be high for a potentially life-threatening situation to develop when I arrived. But, calling them just because he's there and there isn't a dangerous situation going on or about to develop...probably not the best thing to do.

[blind_otter]

Blind Otter-

 

As far as snooping on 'people's private communications'...what's worse, conducting an affair and lying to your husband, or snooping her cell phone to find out the TRUTH of what's going on? Obviously she's going to lie about the entire situation...how is he supposed to get the TRUTH about what's happening and tailor his actions to end the affair? You and I have disagreed on this before, and I don't mean to rehash the whole thing, but I'd love to hear how you recommend that he find out the truth about the relationship with the OM and take the actions needed to end the affair without 'snooping'?

 

Calling the cops...I tend to agree with you here. If he truly thought she was in danger, that's one thing. And in truth, if I were headed home and knew that OM was in MY HOUSE and I was headed there...I'd likely call the cops as well...because the odds would be high for a potentially life-threatening situation to develop when I arrived. But, calling them just because he's there and there isn't a dangerous situation going on or about to develop...probably not the best thing to do.

 

You know if someone is not being honest with you. Why do you need some kind of irrefutable proof of that? Why does he need the TRUTH? He knows what's going on!!!

 

I had a BF who cheated on me 8 times. I didn't need to snoop through his things to know that - regardless of what he was using to distract himself, he was using something. When I ended the relationship I found out from other people, after the fact, about the cheating.

 

In any event, let's not make this some big hoo haa, because this isn't the case with the OP - he already knew she had an OM! He already knew the WHOLE SITUATION! What more truth does he need? She said she didn't love him any more and wanted to leave and they were separated.

 

And the whole thing with the cops is just so stupid. Don't go over there and MAKE a violent scene, in front of children, neighbords, etc. It could escalate to murder. That is not the responsible, adult thing to do.

 

And I'm sure the woman being robbed and raped would really appreciate you taking up the cops time to settle a domestic dispute that could have been avoided by just walking the hell away from a situation that crazy.

 

I know, my ex tried to strangle a friend on mine in my goddman house. Thank god I had a pitbull to attack my ex and rip his effing arm open. He should have been an adult and left me the hell alone.

 

What I learned is this: A relationship is NOT worth threatening anyone's life over.

[Mz. Pixie]

I worked in a bank once where we had a customer call 911 because she said we shorted her money. She'd left the bank and came back and we promised to put it in her account if we were over that day but she wouldn't accept it.

 

Boy, were the police pissed when they got there with her.

 

There should be a fine for calling the cops when it's not an emergency. Someone else's life could be in danger.

[vikingruler]

I agree with all the blashing I have received and I deserve it, but I have been working hard on my issues and I have conquered a lot of them. I know I have to stop blaming anyone but myself. I also need to be there for my girls and to show her that I care and love her.

 

I believe that she is out to have a good time and the OM is the one giving her the attention - he is very charming.

 

I have been told by a relative of his and from people that work with him that he is a player, while she is busy and can't share time with him, he is out drinking and has actually hooked up with another woman in the past week.

 

So I know she will eventually get hurt by this guy - I can't stand that....

 

I have told her I would take 6months to give her time and try and develop a relationship with her.

 

I love her and our children and I have been using Loveshack for six months to better myself, I have changed I cut a lot of stuff out that she shared with me that bothered her and I have started changed.

 

I think she is still under a lot of pressure from marriage and life and this OM is giving her a release.

 

I have texted her to see if I could come by tonight and help at the house and be with the girls.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm bumping one of your threads up to where you can find it, Viking. I chose this one because it had the highest number of responses, even though it's not the most recent.

 

I won't be responding to your thread on the other site. I'm unwilling to resort to conflict with any other posters there. It's unnecessary for one thing... and stressful for another.

 

I have to be honest... I think the person who accused me of giving you "BAD ADVICE" is actually guilty of that herself. She didn't take the time to find out if 'moving back in' could get you into trouble with the police or not.

 

On another thread, a man was removed from the home and had a restraining order placed on him because he was following his WW around the house insisting she take her conversation with OM outside the marital home. It's possible that the WW in that scenario might have found another excuse and had an RO placed on him anyway. It's equally possible that if he had engaged an attorney before following that advice, he might have avoided being put out of the home in the first place.

 

These advice boards are NOT a substitution for sound legal advice. The opinions of nonprofessionals, while insightful at times....cannot replace good personal judgement and professional advice. I caution you to take what you learn over there with a grain of salt. And doubly so in regard to that one particular person. Geez....she'll be burning wayward wives as witches next!

[Guest]

Blind Otter-

 

As far as snooping on 'people's private communications'...what's worse, conducting an affair and lying to your husband, or snooping her cell phone to find out the TRUTH of what's going on? Obviously she's going to lie about the entire situation...how is he supposed to get the TRUTH about what's happening and tailor his actions to end the affair? You and I have disagreed on this before, and I don't mean to rehash the whole thing, but I'd love to hear how you recommend that he find out the truth about the relationship with the OM and take the actions needed to end the affair without 'snooping'?

 

The thing that some people are forgetting is that they are SEPARATED. That means she can see other people, as can he. That means what she does is private, and he has no business reading her text or following her around. That's called stauking.

 

I'm not saying that he needs to go into NC. If he truly wants to stay in the marriage, then he needs to be there for her and the kids even more. But doing these things isn't going to build the relationship, it's going to tear it apart even more.