How long do affairs normally last

[Shiraz]

Wow, you really believe that? And they live together in the same house? And she doesn't know he's having an affair?

 

I have been with my MM for 5 years. He sees me 2-5 times a week. Gets home late. He claims his wife has no idea he has some one on the side. He says life at home is great. They have a good marriage and great family life (although he isn't home much)

[Blind Illusion]

Wow, you really believe that? And they live together in the same house? And she doesn't know he's having an affair?

 

and you would know that this isn't the case because??

 

I'm not saying you can't be right but there are a lot of sexless marriages for whatever reason. It's not an automatic given that every man's claim to not having sex at home must be lying. Some are, some aren't.

[Shiraz]

If you are not looking for the signs, you trust your spouse, I can see a person not knowing..... In the same breath..... Intuition would kick in, wouldn't it?

 

When they have sex, I wonder if it doesn't have the emotion it use to have in it for them? But then again, taht could be blamed on fatigue right.

 

Man, I wish I could read a mans' mind.

[2sunny]

Some wives would rather "close their eyes" (so to speak) to reality to keep their life the way that they are accustomed to living.

 

Even if they only wonder - sometimes it is easier NOT to know the reality - SO that way they don't have to change their comfort zone....

[Shiraz]

Very good thought, probably very true to.

[ImWithHer]

Man, I wish I could read a mans' mind.

You can read mine. I've been told it's only a Third Grade reading level!

[RecordProducer]

Any thought on this? I"m also curious. If they go on for a long time, 5 years or more, do you think they guy would ever leave his wife? or just keep doing the same thing until he gets caught?

I've read on LS about affairs that lasted anywhere from one night up to ten years. There were people who would leave their wives after a couple months of dating the mistress as there were men who dumped the mistress (as soon as the wife found out) after years of cheating (one was ten years).

[target-d]

I've read on LS about affairs that lasted anywhere from one night up to ten years. There were people who would leave their wives after a couple months of dating the mistress as there were men who dumped the mistress (as soon as the wife found out) after years of cheating (one was ten years).

 

in other words - like everything else in life - there is no "normal". it is what it is until it isn't.

[veronese]

My H had EAs with 3 OW, one for over ten years, one for almost 4 years and the third for 16 months. All were ongoing and ended only when I found out.

 

Some wives may well bury their heads in the sand rather than face up to their suspicions that their Hs are having affairs, but I can truthfully say I wasn't one of them.

 

I had no idea, none at all. He saw them during working hours, had no contact otherwise, and although the relationships were definitely about mutual attraction and affection, they didn't become PAs (apart from one kiss with the third one).

 

He said he would have carried on seeing them indefinitely had I not found out. He didn't think I ever would, having got away with it for so long, and I have no doubts he would have acquired more female friends had he continued.

 

It was a lot of fun for him and highly enjoyable so he saw no reason to stop seeing them. He didn't think it was hurting our marriage, had no intention of leaving me, didn't think I would get hurt believing, as he did, that his secrets were safe.

 

He lied to me convincingly, he didn't feel guilty and compartmentalised things brilliantly, as 'cake eaters' tend to do. He also lied to the OW, each one thinking they were his only 'special friend', someone Mr Perfect had been so drawn to despite being a 'good, devoted, dutiful father and husband'. They believed the connection they had with him was unique, the old 'soul mate' syndrome, the 'if only we'd met before he was married' scenario.

 

They thought he was gorgeous both physically and in character. He was exactly the type of man they would have loved being married to. It was he who approached them, telling them how much he liked them and asking if they could be friends. They knew he was married but as he was only offering his friendship I guess they assumed it was ok to accept his offer. His good looks, sharp mind, affable nature and kindness made it all the easier for them to succumb to his request.

 

As far as I know there has been no contact between them since DDay, although reading threads on this forum makes me realise this may not be the case. However the OW know as well as he does what the consequences will be should they decide to remain in contact.

 

My H. has been given another chance. The OWs' only suffered emotionally as a result of losing him from their lives. If they mess with me again though and the gloves come off!! This applies to any OW unfortunate enough to get involved with my H any time in the future. I've told him if he's prepared to lose his marriage over anyone and hurt me and our children again he'd better realise that we won't be the only ones in pain as a consequence. If he wants to gamble with our lives and emotions I've told him that he's also choosing to gamble with the OW's life too.

 

I can accept that foolish man that he is, he didn't appreciate how devestating it would be should he be discovered. Well he does now so if he does it again he's fully aware of the repercussions.

 

I don't think there's a hard and fast answer to your question, the length of affairs varies with every situation. My friend's father had a mistress for almost 30 years unbeknown to his wife. He shared his secret with his daughter who knew the OW and grew fond of her. He supported this woman, bought her an apartment, gave her an monthly allowance, and visited her in the latter years maybe once a month.

 

He died suddenly in his early 70's. The OW turned up to his funeral (I'd met her too over the years) and was grieving as much as his wife. When she came over to talk to me (being unable to talk to my friend) she hugged me and told me how sad she was. My friend's mother looked across at us and later asked my friend who this woman was.

 

When they went through his paperwork and sorted out his affairs she came across the financial payments going to the OW. My friend did her best to pass it off as something legitimate, but she knew the doubt was now in her mother's mind. Her mum then found several gifts from the OW, items she had never seen before and couldn't be explained.

 

At 78 years old the poor woman finally discovered that the man she'd been married to for almost 60 years, had been leading a double life with an OW. I don't know how she coped actually, I suspect she blocked it out as best she could.

 

Affairs usually come to light sooner or later, one way or another. They usually finish only when they have to. OW like WalkingAway and one or two others are unusual, they have summoned the courage to walk away from a relationship they deeply care about with dignity and integrity. For many others the pull of the heart over-rides the sense of the mind.

 

Being involved with a MM is a journey down a road to nowhere.

 

The story of the journey can be read on this site. The beginning, the middle, the end. It's all spelled out here in black and white. Skip over to the infidelity forum and read how the story continues...how while the OW mourns her loss on the OW/OM forum, the wife begins the battle post discovery.

 

It seldom ends happily for anyone. It frequently creates pain and sadness to all concerned. OW often believe their MM are their 'soulmates', they often believe their MM period! And so do the wives.

 

veron xx

[Sami_D]

Wow, you really believe that? And they live together in the same house? And she doesn't know he's having an affair?

 

Really believe which bit? The leaving his wife, or the not having sex?

 

But to answer both, yes, I really believe what he tells me. I don't think he's a liar. I think he's in a R he wants out of because it's dead. And dead includes no intimacy for quite a long time.

 

And yes, I am pretty sure about that

[tinktronik]

My grandfather had an affair witha woman for over 30 years. His OW was in her early 20's when they met he was in his 40's . After my grandmother died, he married her . She seems happy enough now , but she admits to having missed out on a lot of her life waiting around for him , she never had children and by the time he was free, it was too late , her family alienated her because of it.She gets to spend the rest of his life with him .But I wonder , she waited around for 30+ years, and now that shes got him hes an old man and will likely die well before her ,she'll be alone again with no family.

[target-d]

However the OW know as well as he does what the consequences will be should they decide to remain in contact.

 

If he wants to gamble with our lives and emotions I've told him that he's also choosing to gamble with the OW's life too.

Veronese, I truly hope you don't mean what this sounds like. I hope this is only anger and pain speaking. The women probably didn't really mean anything to your husband, but were only entertainment. I know that sounds unbelievably harsh to any OW reading this, but often that's all it is, especially when the relationship is an EA.

 

The men really don't seem to realize how a woman can get caught up in "just words". They are having fun, full of themselves, feeling lordlike and in control.

 

Don't do something that would hurt you. I know that pain and anger can make us all do strange things at times. Please please please take care of yourself.

[Walking away]

OW like WalkingAway and one or two others are unusual, they have summoned the courage to walk away from a relationship they deeply care about with dignity and integrity.

 

I have vowed to stop writing in to LS for personal reasons, but I will make this one exception now.

 

Yes, I did summon the courage to walk away from a man and relationship that I deeply cared about, but when the final, final, nail was placed on that coffin, I reacted far from dignified. Sadly, my buttons got pushed by this MM and I responded angrily and hatefully. I wish I could say that our end was dignified, but, unfortunately, it ended badly as they all seem to do.

 

For I told him that I hated his guts and I am not, nor ever have been, a hateful person. It just isn't who I am... But, the words came out and I cannot take them back. So, at the very, very end of the relationship, I wasn't so dignified. But, I cannot change the way it ended. My integrity, however, has remained for I was kind and respectful to him through it all.... except for those last, final moments. So, I have that to fall back on. And, that, in this horrifically bad situation, is enough for me.

 

Hugs

 

WA

[veronese]

Oops! Reading it back I sound positively murderous don't I?! I'll try to explain it better.

 

OK. If my H ever cheats again he knows what that would do to me, us, our kids etc. Which would make him a complete sh*t of a man frankly.

 

So he should understand that if he screws with me I will screw with him and her right back. If he's cool about hurting me he'd better be cool about hurting her too and not to act like he didn't know what the repercussions would be.

 

Don't worry target-d, I'd never do anything really bad, I just want to make him recognise that his behaviour DOES have its consequences for ALL concerned, so he'd better not go on pretending that no-one will get hurt.

 

Thanks for thinking of me hun

 

Veronese