Fighting Depression

[AltplanB]

About 6 months ago i had a very traumatic experience when i suffered the end of a relationship that i thought had the chance to go the distance while at the same time coming off steroids. If you know anything about steroids, you'll know that the down period is a very dangerous time to become depressed. Not only did i lose all the muscle that i spent 2 years gaining, i feel into a deep state of depression and associated all my lose with the one i loved. Within weeks she had met someone else and started up a new relationship. I was destroyed and although i knew it was over, i clung to the hope that she might come around.

 

That lasted for about 4 months. After that I was just depressed because my friends still hung out with her and told me all the bad things she was doing like who she was sleeping with and how messed up she was. I kept thinking to myself it wasn't her fault and that these actions were the result of her bulimia and depression over her fathers demise. But low and behold, this only strengthened my depression over the situation.

 

I stopped eating properly, stopped taking exclusive care of myself, watched my grades drop dramatically in college, and watched my friends walk away from me. What keeps me going is that I know that their is some girl out there waiting for me to come along and be theirs.

However i have depression that seems to not want to let go. I have things to do that i dont get done. I use my wit/charm to barely pass classes. I dont sleep at least 3 nights of the week in which i just wait for the gym to open so i can grab some coffee and go. I hate the way i look. When i do sleep(for like 11 hours), i slowly wake up over an hour with thoughts of shooting myself, like i have nothing good in my life that i need tending too and that all the things i have put time into have been spat back at me.

 

 

I cant decide on a major (im a junior). I am not attracted to other women anymore unless they meet the very high and almost impossible standards that my ex was. I look tired and am losing hair because of the steroids. Its a lot to take in a 6 month period. I used to be this big rower that never used a computer and had lots of fun and friends. Now i have a roomate that doesn't really want to hang with me, no job because my parents pay for everything, serious depression, a dwindling interest in education, and no gf. Its a bleek existance that i am still unsure if i will overcome. I feel like running away and just starting over in another country. I feel like i will never meet a girl like my ex unless i have the abilities of the guys she met after me. I feel like i have failed at so many things that i put all my time into and i haven't even tried to make a dime. Im not lookin for any responses to this, i just wanted someone to listen. whatever you think, im all ears.