Twisted Triangle

[kate]

Hi All, I've read a few of your posts and you all seem to have good level headed advice to give, so I'm going to throw this one at you... stop reading here if you don't want the gory details =)

 

ok... I have a girlfriend of 10+ years, lets call her Michelle, and a male friend of less than one year I'll call him Andy. I introduced them last winter and they hit it off. Problem is that I was just beginning to develop an interest in him, though I didn't express that to Michelle at the time. The second problem is that they were totaly unsuitable for each other with the exception of sex. The 3rd or 4th time that we all went out together, she brought him home and screwed him on my livingroom floor, while my housemates were home [totally classless and disrespectful]. I figured that would be that and they would never see each other again. [wrong]. Andy took such an interest in her that they were practically living together within a month.

 

When she introduced him to her family a month or so later something must have gone terribly wrong... the next day she told him to pack his stuff and go. He comes back, broken hearted and we start hanging out together again.

 

Another month or two goes by and Andy & I get way too loaded one night and end up in the sack. It's happened twice now and I am a bit torn up about it. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just sex, and that I don't want to be involved with him as more than a friend. Anyway, I finally told Michelle that I was interested in him.

 

Now here's the part that sucks... Before they broke up we all planned to go to a concert & camping at the end of the summer (last weekend). All of my friends were stressed. None of us wanted to see Michelle, but she came anyway and immediately turned on the charm for Andy. They snuggled all night by the campfire while I tried to act like a civil human being, but I couldn't even talk to them.

 

I am totally prepared to write Michelle off forever (this isn't the only instance of total disrespect and disregard in the last year or two), but I don't know if I should confront her directly, send her a letter, never talk to her again? And for Andy... I don't _want_ to loose him as a friend, I think that he deserves another chance, but I don't want to be a doormat either.

 

Anyway... any words of wisdom that you might have would be greatly appreciated. I'm in my late twenties... too old for this crap!

 

thanks!

 

Kate

[Cynthia]

Wow. This is pretty complex. I had a similar problem involving a really good friend of 9 yrs. and an ex-boyfriend. Yuck. It turned out that the two of them couldn't keep their hands off each other and ended up being intensely sexually involved, if nothing more. I got so disgusted with the whole situation that I shut both of them out of my life completely. That is, no phone calls, no emails, no contact whatsoever.

 

And guess what? My life has been 500% better since I did that. I got closer to some other friends who turned out to be really supportive and generous and when you get right down to it, more deserving of my affection than those two ever were. It sounds like they're extremely selfish and self-centered and concentrating solely on pleasing themselves. So think about it...all they've done is cause you stress and anxiety. Life is way too short to spend dwelling on problems that other people's psycholigical imbalances have caused. Cut your losses. You'll be _much_ happier in the end.

 

I know you don't want to lose his friendship, but obviously he's not being very considerate of your emotions, you know? What does that say about how much he cares for you? And she sounds extremely selfish. As far as how you should break it off, do whatever feels most comfortable to you. If you're into hashing things out, have a talk. If you hate confrontation (like me) just stop speaking to her. She'll get the picture, believe me.

 

C.

Hi All, I've read a few of your posts and you all seem to have good level headed advice to give, so I'm going to throw this one at you... stop reading here if you don't want the gory details =) ok... I have a girlfriend of 10+ years, lets call her Michelle, and a male friend of less than one year I'll call him Andy. I introduced them last winter and they hit it off. Problem is that I was just beginning to develop an interest in him, though I didn't express that to Michelle at the time. The second problem is that they were totaly unsuitable for each other with the exception of sex. The 3rd or 4th time that we all went out together, she brought him home and screwed him on my livingroom floor, while my housemates were home [totally classless and disrespectful]. I figured that would be that and they would never see each other again. [wrong]. Andy took such an interest in her that they were practically living together within a month. When she introduced him to her family a month or so later something must have gone terribly wrong... the next day she told him to pack his stuff and go. He comes back, broken hearted and we start hanging out together again. Another month or two goes by and Andy & I get way too loaded one night and end up in the sack. It's happened twice now and I am a bit torn up about it. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just sex, and that I don't want to be involved with him as more than a friend. Anyway, I finally told Michelle that I was interested in him. Now here's the part that sucks... Before they broke up we all planned to go to a concert & camping at the end of the summer (last weekend). All of my friends were stressed. None of us wanted to see Michelle, but she came anyway and immediately turned on the charm for Andy. They snuggled all night by the campfire while I tried to act like a civil human being, but I couldn't even talk to them. I am totally prepared to write Michelle off forever (this isn't the only instance of total disrespect and disregard in the last year or two), but I don't know if I should confront her directly, send her a letter, never talk to her again? And for Andy... I don't _want_ to loose him as a friend, I think that he deserves another chance, but I don't want to be a doormat either. Anyway... any words of wisdom that you might have would be greatly appreciated. I'm in my late twenties... too old for this crap! thanks! Kate

[kate]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Cynthia, I have been composing and rewriting "nastygrams" for the last week, but they are more for myself than for sending to the parties involved.

 

-kate

Wow. This is pretty complex. I had a similar problem involving a really good friend of 9 yrs. and an ex-boyfriend. Yuck. It turned out that the two of them couldn't keep their hands off each other and ended up being intensely sexually involved, if nothing more. I got so disgusted with the whole situation that I shut both of them out of my life completely. That is, no phone calls, no emails, no contact whatsoever. And guess what? My life has been 500% better since I did that. I got closer to some other friends who turned out to be really supportive and generous and when you get right down to it, more deserving of my affection than those two ever were. It sounds like they're extremely selfish and self-centered and concentrating solely on pleasing themselves. So think about it...all they've done is cause you stress and anxiety. Life is way too short to spend dwelling on problems that other people's psycholigical imbalances have caused. Cut your losses. You'll be _much_ happier in the end. I know you don't want to lose his friendship, but obviously he's not being very considerate of your emotions, you know? What does that say about how much he cares for you? And she sounds extremely selfish. As far as how you should break it off, do whatever feels most comfortable to you. If you're into hashing things out, have a talk. If you hate confrontation (like me) just stop speaking to her. She'll get the picture, believe me. C.