Been Awhile

[GRILLE]

I need some advice and maybe encouragement.

 

My bf and I are experiencing some problems. We were doing fine until a month ago. We've been together for a little over a year. I know that a year is not a long time, however, I feel that he and I have gone through a lot of stuff together and I feel that we can work this out. I post responses on this forum to others' issues, I guess I'm looking for another perspective.

 

We had plans to go to a wedding in July, although we both knew that he was working and there was a strong possibility that he would be stuck at work. It turned out that he couldn't get out of work, he called profusely apologizing. He knew it was important to me and it was important for him to be there for me. He thought I was angry - said that in past relationships, when he had to cancel plans, it resulted in an argument. We discussed it and everything was fine.

 

I called the next day (Sunday)and everything was fine. We spent some time together on Monday - he wanted reassurance that I wasn't angry. I quite honestly did not know how much more I could express to him that I wasn't angry. How could I be angry - it was beyond his control!!! (it was mandatory to work and he would have been docked days at work if he had not gone in). I expressed that maybe I was a little insure because he had spent time with friends when he did get home the night of the wedding and that he didn't call to arrange some other time together. I realize that was ridiculous! I let a girlfriend's attitude influence me! He and I talked and everything was fine. We continued getting together and talking on the phone. I visited him a couple of weeks later and asked if I would be able to spend some time with him - he was suddenly busy with his brother. To save time and space, let's just say that I know his brother can be very DEMANDING of him. We progressed - not spending much time together because he was searching for a second job. But we talked everyday, went swimming with his son, and met after work once to talk and just spend time. Then Labor Day weekend he goes away with "friends" - which included females. I asked why I was not invited and he simply said that he didn't think of it. The weekend was originally going to be just a few guys and he didn't know it expanded - but he was driving up with his "friends" which, again, included a female. I have made no demands nor accusations - yet he told me, quite angrily, that I did both. I know that pressure was getting to him - so I backed off asking questions. He insisted everything was fine and that we were still together. This guy looks me square in the eye and says just stay with me, I need you there, just be patient, I know this is a crazy time,....what am I supposed to do?

 

I've played in cool and backed way off. He calmed down significantly and I've found out a couple of things in the meantime. He did got a second job and he is concerned about taking care of his responsibilities. He said that maybe everything just got to him - work being slow resulting in less money, ex-wife, his brother's demands, his friends wanting time. He really settled down. He said that his ex-wife was bugging him again and he had an argument with his dad. So, I've taken my own advice and been there for him, just to talk or whatever. I know the idea of not living up to responsibilities or letting someone down (ie not being able to go to the wedding) REALLY impacts this man. I feel like a moron for asking him questions. I've forgiven myself, basically we both agreed that maybe the pressure of his schedule got to us.

I know that we need time and need to get beyond this misunderstanding. Does anyone out there have any other suggestions to what I have already done? Thanks in advance for your input

 

[Rachel]

Hi. I don't know you very well, however, from all that it stated it seems that you two are invery different times in your lives in that you seem to want a stable and commited relationship and this man may someday want that, but NOW is NOT the time.

 

He seems to be interested in you , yet doesn't have what it takes mentally commit to you.

 

Friends, and family can be demanding, yet it is totally up to him to be less available to them, however demanding they may be. He is a grown man, not a baby.

 

It may be that you love this man and maybe he loves you too, however, I dont' think this is the right time for you two,

 

I would be VERY unavailable for a while. Busy, busy busy.

 

That way, he will definitely pay attention to you.