I want out! I want in!! Can't make a decision!!

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Long story....

 

a year and a half ago, I asked my GF to marry me. At the time, I was in an apartment; but had a good job. Since the engagement, I bought a house, secured a 6 figure income, and am presently working on my Master's in Electrical Engineering.

 

She has increasingly been pushing for "the date". However, she has this incredible sense of entitlement to everything I have. She is all about "blending" all "we" have. The thing is, she has absolultely nothing. Nor, ever will have anything.

 

She tells me it's her job to make my life better and it's my job to provide the necessary's (i.e. retirement, money, repairs, etc etc.). The thing that really bothers me is that all I have to offer is in real world tangebles; what she offers is based on promises. No matter what, I have to provide these things; her, on the other hand, really doesn't have to do a damn thing and she is secured by the fact that no matter what, after we're married, she gets what I have to offer whether she does her part or not.

 

I've been living with her for about a year. She never lets go of pushing for the "date". However, I have yet to see a consistancy in what she promised. She cooks when she wants, cleans when she wants etc. When I call her on it, I ALWAYS get some tit for tat arguement back.

 

I told her long ago that I would never get married again without getting a clean bill of health from a marriage counsellor (both of us have been divorced before) and a prenup. After months of arguing, she said she would sign a prenup; but would resent me for it. I also asked that she set up the appointment for the counsellor and I would go to anyone she chose. The reason I did that was she had complained once that she and her ex went to counselling and since he chose the counsellor, she felt that the counsellor was on her ex's side. I wanted to eliminate that issue.

 

I'm 44 and she's 40. My kids are grown and she has a 14 y/o living with us. She has also complained that if she left, my life wouldn't change one bit. Why should it? She did nothing to help me get this house; and, even complained of the one I chose. She does nothing but complain of the time I spend studying for my Master's (which is about an average of an hour a day). She even complains about the way I sleep if I have my back turned to her. Her need for attention is insatiable. Just this weekend, we spent 4 hours on the deck just hanging out and talking. Two hours after that, I was in the yard working and she asked me when I was going to spend some time with her.

 

Financially, I only requested that she contribute $400 a month toward the bills. I figured that was only fair. Especially since it costs almost $3000 a month to run this house. That $400 covers ALL her and her daughter's groceries...etc etc. She complained that our money should be blended. My request was based on my covering all the other housing costs (since it's my house anyway), utilities, groceries, etc etc. All I wanted her to do was cover her day to day expenses; her car, etc etc. I wanted my paycheck to go to housing, 401k, my personal expenses. It isn't a matter of not "blending"; I think it's a matter of the business side. I just don't want to fight for something I've already fought for and won. In other words, I don't want to have the day to day argument of "I need $20 for this or for that". I want her to cover her basic living costs, and I'll provide the rest. What good does it do if we "blend" her $2200 a month with my salary if she turns around and spends that $2200 a month anyway? My position is, just do what you want with your money, and contribute $400 a month to the cost of keeping this house going. Given the fact that her daughter lives here, and she gets $600 a month in child support, I don't think that's out of line. After the housing consts and investments, she actually has more "free available cash" than I do.

 

I understand the "blending" thing if we were both in our 20's and starting a family; but, my life is already made and I made it that way, on my own, no help from anyone. I am more than willing to share the fruits of my labor; but no way can I bring myself to voluntarily put myself in a position of backing up. I make what I feel are very wise and sound financial choices; she, flys by the seat of her pants. Her credit is in the toilet, mine is in the mid 700's. Although we blend wel in some area's, the financial area is one I really need to separate and keep separated.

 

I'm getting pretty close to just saying "go live the life you want somewhere else"; but I don't see how she can support herself on what she makes.

 

Yes I do love her very much... but I feel like I'm in a situation like being with a kid in a store next to the impulse counter screaming for a candy bar. I'd love to give her what she wants; but not when she insists on this entitlement.

[tikigods]

I don't think this will end up working out well at all. This woman has a wonderful free ride with you, and what person that doesn't have to worry about anything wouldn't WANT to keep that and push for the date to be married?

 

Marriage is about being equal, and while that might not mean that she has a 6 figure income and whatnot, it means that she does her fair share, if she isn't doing that right now while tring to win you over, I doubt that will change when you guys are married (in fact it will only get worse)

 

If she won't work with you to help solve your problems, then while you might love her, its only fair for you to find someone that can be an equal and not a moocher

[blind_otter]

I agree with tiki. When I first started reading I was like, hey maybe she just needs a wakeup call. But she's 40, dude. Not saying that's old, but it's old enough to know how to act like an adult.

[michelangelo]

You will be suckered for your assets.

 

She may have affection for you but she has an unrealistic attitude about money and supporting of her.

 

BTW, if you do marry her does the child support end? Does she get spousal support?

 

BTW II, I think you are being far too generous by only asking for $400 a month. if she is such a big fan of "blending", why not put her whole paycheck into the mix and the both of you draw the same for incidentals?

 

I'll bet she wouldn't like that suggestion!

[Bluto Blutarsky]

BTW II, I think you are being far too generous by only asking for $400 a month. if she is such a big fan of "blending", why not put her whole paycheck into the mix and the both of you draw the same for incidentals?

 

 

She has already offered that. But, the fact that she brings in $2200 a month with only $400 in room/board expenses, and she's always broke is a major red flag in the financial department. She still has utility companies chasing her for her last apartment....which she moved out of almost a year ago.

 

All that tells me is that she requires more than $1800 a month to have blow money. That's $450 bucks a week she goes through. I've told her I don't have that kind of money should she find herself out of work. Even so, her overspending will end up taking money from home improvements, retirement etc etc. The blending of cash just can't happen.

 

I think all the other petty arguments can be fixed and are most likely a product of just two people living together. But, my thinking is that if she can't buy into my financial plan, then I have to pull out of this thing.

 

We had discussions while we were dating and she agreed with me then. It's just been since she moved in that she pushes this "blending" of money.

 

She also said I had a problem sharing?? WTF is that?? She lives in my house for a measly $100 a week; I fix her car, work on her credit, etc etc.

There is nothing in this house that she and her daughter don't have free use of. Although, when I see stuff of mine that isn't being taken care of...I.E DVD's laying on the carpet, her dog's "by product of eating" laying on the carpet..I do call them on it. I worked hard for the things I have and I have low tolerance for it not being respected and taken care of.

 

 

 

 

Jeeezzzzzeeee, the more I type, the more angry I get. :-)

[tikigods]

Short and simple she is taking advantage of you, she wants to blend money so she can spend more. 1800 in blow money thats like INSANE! What on earth could she be spending that much cash on when you take care of everything else.

 

Kick her to the curb and you will be happier when you do, she is just going to keep leeching off of you till you do so.

[Touche]

One of the three top reasons people divorce is because of money issues. If you are having these issues NOW before you're even married, good luck. It only gets worse.

 

I would have NEVER married someone who wasn't on the same page as I am as far as the handling of financial matters. It's a biggie and was a requirement for me as far as who I wanted in a mate.

 

It's never going to work and will always be a bone of contention for both of you. You're both going to end up resenting each other more over this matter. And as far as I'm concerned, and you may not see this now, it speaks to incompatibility in other areas. Just something I've noticed in life. Don't know what areas those are for you two but look and you may see what I'm talking about.

 

I know others disagree with me on this particular point BUT the fact that you even feel that you need a prenup speaks volumes to me.

 

My advice: Do NOT marry this woman.

[michelangelo]

If you feel strongly that you want her to have her finances in order and to participate more fully financially before you'd consider marrying her, then if you still really have affection for her, you could insist on some things before agreeing to marry.

 

And if she doesn't do them, kick her out. Have a deadline too.

 

1. Kick in at least $400 a month. Actually more than that, but if she makes less than you, you can bargain a reaasonable amount.

 

2. Get her to pay off the creditors. Find out how much she owes too. Assess if she is a spender with no impulse control.

 

3. Have her sign a prenup protecting your assets. You're right, you are not 20. I've heard of people making the prenup allow for a sliding access to your assets based on the number of years you remain together.

 

4. Open book about where money comes from and where it goes. That works both ways.

[Shana]

Long story....

 

 

I'm 44 and she's 40. My kids are grown and she has a 14 y/o living with us.

 

Financially, I only requested that she contribute $400 a month toward the bills. I figured that was only fair. Especially since it costs almost $3000 a month to run this house. That $400 covers ALL her and her daughter's groceries...etc etc. She complained that our money should be blended. provide the rest.

 

I understand the "blending" thing if we were both in our 20's and starting a family; but, my life is already made and I made it that way, on my own, no help from anyone.

 

I think we are in the same situation but mine is happy! First, love goes so far, all the nit picking and pushing in between is what pushes love away eventually. This will happen to you unfort.

 

Blending, Yeah OK, what I thought was funny, you said your 44 - she's 40, your set in life, people in their 20's blend. Welp, not this girl! I am in my very late (ouch) 20's and I live with my long term boyfriend, I pay him about what your girl pays you a month, plus grocercies. We have no kids. He makes a hell of a lot more then me but, afterall it is HIS house that I am linving in!!

 

I don't know why your girlfriend is not seeing the big picture of this situation! And she has a kid.... that makes it tough too!

 

If I was her I would be happy that I was getting off that cheap! Seems like she wants to blend your dough with hers so she has more money that she can claim hers for spending. That's not fair.

 

Sorry but it won't work for you! Why get married anyway? Can you both just be happy as things are?

[bab]

See a counselor. Get a prenup.

 

Tell her you will set a date if and only if she agrees to keep the money separate.

Be brutally honest. Her track record with money stinks, and you'd just rather not hurt your credit by getting mixed up in it.

[michelangelo]

goes without saying...

[MusicWoman]

I totally understand where you are coming from; and where she is coming from. She is living in your house and blowing a whole bunch of the money she makes. Do you have any idea, or does she, where it all goes?? From her situation though, she probably sees you with a big sign over your head that says 'SAFE'. You asked her to marry you, and she is not unreasonable at all for wanting to set a date a year and a half after the fact. When you propose to someone, that means you want to marry them...its not just a next level that you stay at for a few more years to see if you really want to marry them. She sees a life with you as safe though...she knows once you two are married she will be set with you supporting her. You really really really need to get into that counseler soon.

 

Tell her, that you would be more than happy to set a date as soon as your issues are resolved. If you can't resolve them..then you know what to do. I'm not going to tell you marry her or don't marry her...thats completely up to you...but good luck

[Kengne]

Wow this is a messed up situation.

 

Esp since she was on board with your financial plan, UNTIL she moved in. Can you imagine how things will get once you put a wedding band on her finger?

 

ANywho - like everyone else said, yup a PRE-NUP is a MUST in your situation even tho I'm not fond of it for myself. But really - what's the point of it all, if like she said she willl only resent you?

 

Because even tho you may win the battle, you will def lose in the war i.e your marriage!

 

I'm really at a loss what to say, because I like you do not believe in blending finances - and I'm only 23! But I also never intend to live in anyone else's home, because I would hate the thought of paying rent to a bf/gf.

 

IS IT even a possibility... to get a new home? Something for you two, which she will feel is part hers and therefore she will be more motivated and more likely to buckle up and take care of it? Maybe that would drive her more to help out, than just paying utilities etc.. to YOU in YOUR home. It must be awkward for her, living in your home where you're basically supporting her.

How awful!

 

Your home should be BOTH of yours - not just yours.

 

But I understand you're 44, so maybe selling your home is not an option you want to consider. And on top of that she has bad credit, and is not financially stable so... damn... I dunno!

 

Just a suggestion.

 

K.

[catgirl1927]

She honestly sounds like a lazy gold digger. She wants to "blend"? Ha! She seems to subscribe to the "what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours" mentality.

[SoleMate]

Yup. Like all the others said. Based on what you've said, your expectations are reasonable and fair, and hers aren't. Finances are a HUGE point of contention in marriage, and a major cause of marital dysfunction. You can't and won't give to her, as a husband should, emotionally, physically, financially, if you feel you are getting taken for a ride.

 

If your impending marriage doesn't feel FAIR and RIGHT then don't do it.

[westernxer]

Yes I do love her very much...

 

Aside from this, what else is there?

[michelangelo]

for her daughter, then the big disappearing act seems like something good to do. Even the cheapest state college is about $15K a year. Private schools such as Stanford cost, what?, $40K? She only has three or four years to come up with the cash if that is what she is doing.

 

Of course, if she were doing that she'd have told ya...

[bab]

for her daughter, then the big disappearing act seems like something good to do. Even the cheapest state college is about $15K a year. Private schools such as Stanford cost, what?, $40K? She only has three or four years to come up with the cash if that is what she is doing.

 

Of course, if she were doing that she'd have told ya...

 

 

Good point. Maybe you could use this to convince her not to blend the finances. Like if you blend the finances then her daughter probably won't be able to get financial aid, but without blending, maybe she will. Maybe that argument would work. Good luck.

[Bluto Blutarsky]

She's not stashing any money. That I do know; and THAT is a major problem I have.

She goes through money and is always broke. She spends exactly what she makes and has nothing to show for it. She's been at her present job for 6 months and brings in $1900 from that; plus $600 a month in child support. She has no car payment or any other monthly bills except for the $400.00 a month; yet she never has more than her last paycheck in her account.

 

I offered to help clean up her credit. I'm pretty good at working the system and repairing bad credit. I've showed her what I've done for other people. She's upset that I haven't spent much time repairing her credit. But, and I told her this, why should I spend the time if she continues to not pay her bills? For me to do that would be the same as waxing my car right before I drove it through a mud pit.

 

She asked me to help her figure out her finances. I said fine, write down your spending for a week and we'll get an idea of what to address. That was over a month ago and her answer to not doing it was she didn't have the time.

I then asked her to just use her check card for everything and we'll go through the bank statement and use that as the list. Still nothing yet.

 

If the math is done, since October, she's brought in $15,000; and her living expenses have been; hell, let's give her the benifit of the doubt and say even $5,000. That means she has blown $10000 in 6 months and has nothing to show for it.

 

We discussed her moving out. She's so broke, she can't until she gets her tax return. Who has to rely on tax returns for living expenses? Especially with her financial potential to save.

 

I really don't think she is intentionally trying to take me for a ride. I just think she is totally clueless and irresponsible financially. But for her to want to "blend"; forget it. She needs to get her own financial situation in order. I offered the help. My solution to her being broke is to show her how it's done; her solution seems to be "if I'm broke, I must need more money". That ain't how you fix finances; you live witihin your means. If then your means increase, then increase you living standard. The other way around always keeps you behind the 8 ball. I lived too many years behind the 8 ball to voluntarilly put myself there again.

[bab]

Maybe you could treat her financiallly like she is acting. In other words, take all of her check and give her an allowance to spend, and then use her money to pay her bills. I know you aren't her father, but it sounds like this might be the only way to get her finances in line. You'd also have to take away her credit cards though.

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Bab,

 

I asked that too. And, as usual, she agreed and then didn't follow through. After thinking about it, I'm glad she didn't. Reason being, I don't want a child as a partner. With her, she'd overspend her all "allowance" then kick and scream for another $20.00. I have higher sights for living than to have that debate every week.

 

Besides, this morning, I told her to go ahead and make plans to leave. That came from an argument over her $400 monthly contribution to expenses. I reminded her that it was the 8th and bills need to get paid. She said she wasn't going to give it to me until she knew where she stood in our relationship. I told her fine, I'll call the electric company and let them know that they'll get paid as soon as you know where you stand in our relationship.

 

She then went on to explain: "I keep the house clean...blah blah blah. That has to be worth something."

 

I replied: "yes it is. You do that, I fix your car, pay the bills, cut the grass, entertain your family etc etc. Not to mention, living on your own would cost about 3 times what you contribute here."

 

What bothers me the most is that I knew eventually this argument would come about. Ever since she moved in here, she has reniged on all the promises she made about how great my life would be with her in it. Over the months, she has widdled away at those promises little by little.

 

When I proposed to her, it was because I wanted to marry her at the time. My desire was based on the description she made of our life together. The way she has treated me, the promises broken, this financial crap, took all the fight out of me. It's like I bought a lemon! I hate breaking the engagement because some part of me still thinks this can be worked out. However, I think she sold me so well on the fantasy she has in her head that the reality of what really is hasn't sunk in to my thick skull yet.

 

This relationship has no good outcome. In my head I KNOW that. My heart however, hasn't been convinced.

 

Arrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh

[blind_otter]

You know, there are community education classes usually offered in local universities or community colleges that offer instruction on basic finances, retirement, that kind of thing -- maybe you should tell her to take some classes.

 

I'mjustsaying.

 

Some people never learn about managing finances growing up, especially if you come from a family who is well off.

[Touche]

It's just as I suspected. There's more to this than the financial incompatibility. You mentioned the way she treats you. That is KEY. If you couple the way she treats you with the financial issue, you ARE indeed looking at a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Be brave. Hold out for Ms. Right and not Ms. Right Now! You sound like a man who has high standards so don't lower them.

[Bluto Blutarsky]

You mentioned the way she treats you.

 

Agreed. But I'm no angel either. What I do know is a relationship is made up of several small parts. All but one of those parts are both independent and interdependant on the other parts. I.E. let's say sex is only 10% of the relationship; but, bad sex is 90% of the problems.

 

I can't say that she treats me bad because I'm pulling away due to this revelation of her attitude toward "blending" or not. I know I'm pulling away because I don't want to be living in a shanty in my retirement. So everything else that happens around the financial issue could be causes or effects of all that.

 

What I do know at this point is that I've reached a boundry and can go no further. It's not a matter of controlling the relationship, it's a matter of controlling my personal limits. We all have a responsibility to ourselves to control our limits I think. If it controls the relationship, so be it.

 

I let her spend her money any way she sees fit. I just ask for a fair amount to offset the bills of her and her daughter. I don't see that as controlling.

 

Am I wrong here??? I'm too flustered to know myself.

[Touche]

Look, if that's what you feel is right then YOU have to do what's right. To be perfectly honest with you, I think like your fiancee'. I was of the same mind before we got married and now too. I felt/feel that if you're really committed you share everything. When my H and I moved in together a few months before our wedding, we didn't blend accounts but he paid for most of the bills. I paid when we went out and bought food/cooked meals. I also socked money away for our European honeymoon. I bought him a video camera and a leather jacket our first xmas. I even gave him money when he didn't have enough to pay his taxes since he was struggling to get on his feet after a divorce.

 

After we were married I put my paychecks in a joint account. He put his house in my name as well and everything was blended. It was a big step for him because his ex was like your fiancee'...down to hidden P.O. boxes where her shopping bills would go. She ruined his credit. So it was a BIG step for him to start over and trust someone in that area. But I'm an old-fashioned woman and so is he. After all, we weren't going to be living as roomates but as husband and wife.

 

BUT he saw the way I handled money...very conservatively as he did. I had a job, NO debt, owned my own car when I met him. So it was not a HUGE leap of faith for him to agree to live as we did before we were married.

 

I'm not really sure what to tell you. This is tough because like I said I feel as she does but I wasn't and I'm not someone who had the potential to ruin someone's credit or take advantage. She sounds like she is so I DON'T think you're wrong in feeling as you do.

 

If I were you I would tell her that in principle you agree with her that everything should be shared since you two are supposed to be getting married..problem is is that SHE'S not doing much sharing. It seems to be one-sided.

 

Maybe the problem is that you are asking for a certain AMOUNT as if you're charging her rent. That would bug me too. But the problem is is that she's not offering on her own to offset some of the bills so I see why you are asking for a set amount. Can you maybe have this talk and don't mention an amount but tell her that maybe she could buy the groceries and help with the bills more? Maybe you can tell her that you're struggling with the idea of marrying a woman who truly doesn't share..doesn't share EVERYTHING the way she's asking YOU to do. You can leave out the money part on that last statement. Hopefully she'll get the hint.

 

It's sad though that you would even have to have that kind of talk with her. I think this is what's making you pull away. And I don't blame you at all. That's the kind of woman that gives the rest of us a bad name, I'm sorry to say.