westernxer Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 All I know, from what others have told me, is that financial issues can kill a marriage if you take them lightly. Things won't improve once you tie the knot, especially if you're already feeling a strain. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 If she is always broke, where does the money go? 1. Clothes. is she a clothes horse? 2. Furniture? 3. Jewelry? 4. Gambling? 5. Drugs? 6. Drinking? 7. Stashed somewhere? her unwillingness to let you see where she spends her money is a total deal killer. Tracking her spending even for a week is too hard? No, it is too revealing, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 All I know, from what others have told me, is that financial issues can kill a marriage if you take them lightly. Things won't improve once you tie the knot, especially if you're already feeling a strain. So true. And not only do they not improve after marriage, nine times out of ten they get WORSE. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 I think you are making the right decision in having her move out. You have to do what is right for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 So, after the arguement this morning, I took the ring back and called off the whole thing. I told her I wanted her to go ahead and move out. She told me she needed me to cover her for a few months to have enough time to save the money to move. Meanwhile, I come to find out she spent $350 bucks at Target yesterday and she's still planning to do a weekend trip with a friend of hers in a couple of weeks. Not only does she feel that she shouldn't contribute to her and her daughter's living expenses here, she expects me to let her stay her indefinatly because she can't afford to move. Gee, do I have "Stupid" tattooed somewhere in plain sight? I told her the locks and the alarm code will be changed at midnight April 30th. She said I can't do that because she pays "rent". I'm thinking "Uh, doy...no you don't." Then she tried to give me a check. I put it in the shredder. Now, I just want her out. This woman has overdosed on whacko pills or something. She is nothing like I thought she was. Or maybe I just didn't see it. Well, at least I got the $6,000 ring back. Maybe I'll sell it and use the money for a scuba trip to the Caymens. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Holy moly! WTF is with this woman? I'm sad for you that it didn't work out, but in all honesty, it's better to find out now rather than later on. She must be on drugs or is really good at convincing herself that what she is doing by pissing away money and then saying she doesn't have any is okay and acceptable behaviour. She's immature and my god, she is a MOM! What is wrong with her? Where are her priorities? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 So, after the arguement this morning, I took the ring back and called off the whole thing. I told her I wanted her to go ahead and move out. She told me she needed me to cover her for a few months to have enough time to save the money to move. Meanwhile, I come to find out she spent $350 bucks at Target yesterday and she's still planning to do a weekend trip with a friend of hers in a couple of weeks. Not only does she feel that she shouldn't contribute to her and her daughter's living expenses here, she expects me to let her stay her indefinatly because she can't afford to move. Gee, do I have "Stupid" tattooed somewhere in plain sight? I told her the locks and the alarm code will be changed at midnight April 30th. She said I can't do that because she pays "rent". I'm thinking "Uh, doy...no you don't." Then she tried to give me a check. I put it in the shredder. Now, I just want her out. This woman has overdosed on whacko pills or something. She is nothing like I thought she was. Or maybe I just didn't see it. Well, at least I got the $6,000 ring back. Maybe I'll sell it and use the money for a scuba trip to the Caymens. :-) Wow, Bluto! What a change from just this afternoon. I thought that you were being very wishy washy. You were kind of making excuses a little for her before...even though I felt that you knew what the right thing to do was. I think you were fair in giving her the extra time (until the end of the month) but in not giving her the money to move out. Wow, that's nervy. Even when I was married before and divorced, I didn't ask for a DIME! And I spent 9 years of my life with that man (married for three though.) You did a very difficult but brave and wise thing today. It's really hard to do what you did especially since I sense your affection and perhaps love for her. But I'm the same age as you are and I've learned (the hard way) that love is NOT enough. In time, if you don't lower your standards, you will find the RIGHT person for you. Someone whom you will not only love but will also share your values, morals and goals (including fiancial ones.) My husband and I already have our entire financial goal planned, along with a plan to meet those goals, for the next ten years and into retirement. It doesn't sound to me like you could have had that with this woman. Not only could you not have that but she had the potential to completely ruin and foil any plans toward that end. Good luck in meeting the RIGHT one...and I have a feeling you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 Thanks Touche' I'm sure you're right. I'm not going to look anytime soon though. :-) Right now, I think I'll just concentrate on the house, my Master's at Penn State, and work. It's been an increasingly exhausting year trying to re raise a 40 year old. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 you should give those of us that gave advice some free cash ;D Glad that you took control of this and glad that she is getitng out of your house Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 you should give those of us that gave advice some free cash ;D Ya know, THAT WAS FUNNY!!! I'm not rich in cash; but becoming more rich in learned experience. This now ex-fiance has made me cynical. Someday I'm sure I'll meet someone that will sway my new opinion that most people have an agenda. The sad thing is, I would have given her the world if she didn't demand it. She told me today "guys like you are a dime a dozen. There's a lot of available 40 somethings out there that have a house, great job, and a future." Laughingly I gave her a quarter and told her to go get 30 of them. Maybe one of them can help her move out. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 LOL thats a great response to that! I hope she is out of their sooner rather then later for ya Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Ya know, THAT WAS FUNNY!!! I'm not rich in cash; but becoming more rich in learned experience. This now ex-fiance has made me cynical. Someday I'm sure I'll meet someone that will sway my new opinion that most people have an agenda. The sad thing is, I would have given her the world if she didn't demand it. She told me today "guys like you are a dime a dozen. There's a lot of available 40 somethings out there that have a house, great job, and a future." Laughingly I gave her a quarter and told her to go get 30 of them. Maybe one of them can help her move out. She showed her true colors in saying that to you. What low class. As for your other comments to me no, you should NOT have to "raise" your partner. You want someone who is a team player right beside you. She didn't sound like she was. It was a case of "what's in it for HER." And as for your other comment, you're right to concentrate on your house, education etc. and to NOT look for a woman...because it's when your living and doing those things that the right one will come along..not when you're actively "looking." At least that's how it seems to be with most people (including myself.) And you're welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 Well well well, what a difference another sun up brings! She drank half a bottle of Vodka last night and turned into an absolute monster. I told her to tone it down or leave. She went off...I'm talking Jerry Springer type going off. I honestly thought at one point she was going to hit me. I reminded her that we weere through and she was here as a favor till she can get on her feet. (well, not really...just till I knew what my options were). Around 4 am I left and went to the police station. In Pennsylvania, if a guy is even accused of domestic violence, he gets thrown out of his house; even if the house belongs to him alone, married or not. That means she would have free reighn and do whatever and take whatever she wanted. I talked with one of the officers who told me that getting her out was a civil matter, unless she leaves on her own accord. I mainly wanted to have an officer verify my state of mind in case she falsly accused me. She knows that law because it happened to a friend of hers. So, I called her and told her I wasn't taking that crap in my house; she can either tone it down and chill, of get out before I get home. All I had to say was I was at the police station and she said she would leave. When I got home, my garage door was wide open and my home office was in plain sight for anyone to walk in and take computers, printers. etc. Not only that, the door that goes from my garage into the house was wide open as well. Good thing I didn't stop for breakfast. :-) In the bedroom, she poured lamp oil all over my dresser as well. So, off to the 24 hour Wal Mart I go; changed the locks, called my security company, changed the passcode and had her removed as a contact. She actually called and wanted to come by today to get some clothes. No way in hell is this woman getting into my house again! I boxed up all her stuff and put it in the non alarmed garage with notes on the door that because I'm going to be gone for the day, and I didn't want my house left wide open for who knows how long I changed the locks and reset the alarm. Her daughter is with her ex husband this weekend. Thank God. I really wouldn't have liked for this to happen with her here. I don't get what the hell happened to this girl. I saw so much potential and now this? Out of the freaking blue!! So, what did you guys do last night.....anything that beats that? :-) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Jesus Christ, man. Well good riddance to bad rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Holy Crap. She shoulds like she needs to be committed. Congrats on getting her out of there! Good luck with finding someone who is mentally stable!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Wow...I figured she was selfish, but not quite that bad. At least she has done you the enormous favor of ratifying your decision so thoroughly I doubt that you will feel even a shadow of regret at your actions. Her destructive actions proved that telling her to leave was the right thing to do. Just one request...don't get cynical. You picked a loser, but there are plenty of fair, loving, caring, responsible women out there. Just check them out a little more carefully next time, and you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Sole Mate said exactly what I would have said to you. The only thing that concerns me is that you trust her there when you're not there. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Anyone who did what you said she did with the oil and leaving the doors open like that is full of rage and does not respect you. Why would you think she will abide by your request in the note? Don't be foolish. Have her come when you're there with someone else..even the police. Seriously. Like I said, she showed her true colors. No class at all. Please heed SoleMate's advice. There ARE good women out there. Sounds like she was a con artist. But I'm wondering if there really WERE signs and red flags that you were just not seeing. No one can COMPLETELY hide their true colors for that long I don't think. Little things might have given her true character away. Think about it and learn for the next time. And no. My night wasn't NEARLY full of the excitement that yours had! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 I don't feel guilty about ending this thing; I Feel guilty about the daughter. She's innocent in this and now who knows what's going to happen to her. I was cleaning out her room this morning and teared up. I don't have any idea where to put that. I really need to know. My ex was yelling at me before she left that I was throwing a single mom out on the street. Truth is, the daughter's father lives about 8 miles from me; so at least the daughter won't be homeless. My ex, honestly, I really don't care where she ends up. I'm so exhausted from dodging the constant and ever increasing attack on my financial boundries over the last few months; right now, I'm enjoyng the peace. But it's bitter sweet that the daughter has to go through this as well. IF she thought she was going to break me down, well surprise. It came back to bite her. Trust me guys, I'm sure I'll find the right person eventually. I'm not that bitter yet. I think I got out in time to prevent the deep seeded bitterness. I'm sure it was just my unsucessful attempt to invest in the wrong person. As far as she being at the house, I've already asked the township police to kinda hang out in that neighborhood and if there's a car there to check it out. They were more than willing to do that. From their viewpoint, I'm doing the right thing by letting them know the situation and staying away from the potential line of fire......geeezzzzzeee LINE OF FIRE?? I wonder how far off the deep end she's gone. :-) The garage her stuff is in is isolated by an alarmed locked door. And the home office side is locked and alarmed as well. I disabled that garage door so, the only thing she has access to is that one garage; and, the only stuff in it is her's. I removed my valuables from it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 The garage her stuff is in is isolated by an alarmed locked door. And the home office side is locked and alarmed as well. I disabled that garage door so, the only thing she has access to is that one garage; and, the only stuff in it is her's. I removed my valuables from it. Smart man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluto Blutarsky Posted April 9, 2006 Author Share Posted April 9, 2006 And yet..of course...I'm a jerk for limiting her to only the garage. As she just text me when she walked into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 I don't get it. Why are you a jerk in her eyes? If all her stuff is in the garage why should she feel like you're a jerk for limiting her to the one area where all her belongings are? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 Even if you own the house she has come to thing of it as the place where she lives. Regardless of the true ownership of the house and the current status of your failing relationship, she thought she was your fiance. Being booted out, no matter the legitamacy of the booting has to suck. And it is pretty darn inconvenient for her. Especially since she has not saved a dime for this situation. It'll be an eye-opener for her. Her reaction will include fury at you and no introspection at all. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 And it is pretty darn inconvenient for her. Especially since she has not saved a dime for this situation. That's her problem, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 but it doesn't prevent her feeling as though a wwrong has been done to her. She'll take victimhood over introspection and owning her s***. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 You're right, she will blame him for the rest of her life. It's better than the alternative: watching her clean out his bank account. Link to post Share on other sites
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