I want out! I want in!! Can't make a decision!!

[michelangelo]

I totally agree with that assessment.

 

Bluto, sell that ring!

[Bluto Blutarsky]

She'll take victimhood over introspection and owning her s***.

 

She already has. That's one thing I noticed early on. How big a jerk her previous husband was. I wonder why? I'd like to play a round of golf with him just to chat and compare.

 

I think her constant disrespect for other peoples bounderies causes her relationships to fail and fail miserably.

 

It's too bad. She has the potential; but, not with me anymore.

 

And yes, that ring will be up on E-bay by tomorrow.

[june06]

you know what - i also think you are a jerk! and you know why? you are 40 years old, right?? youknew her for some time before proposal did not you? then you should have seen her bad habbits then... and if those did worry you that much - then you should not have proposed.. but instead - you did propose. you have to take responsibilities for YOUR actions too. by proposal you gave her hope for marriage and now you through her out in a garage like a dog? god forbits any other to meet such a man as you..

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Yes, june I did know of her bad habits, and accepted them as well. And I'm sure she knew mine, and accepted them as well. I could list them; but that's moot.

 

However, there is a huge difference in accepting someones bad habits and becoming ensnarled along with them.

 

She knew my financial plan before I proposed and she accepted the proposal knowing that. Before I proposed, she claimed to be on the same page as I was. She was more than happy to let me handle the money. Her exact words to me were "tell me what you need me to bring in and I'll do it."

 

I told her all along that she just needs to make what she wants to spend and help out with the bills with $400.00 a month. I would take care of the other $2600 it costs to run this house. That being said, she was more than happy with that UNTIL she moved in. Then that's when all the ridicule and demands began. I knew her bad habit of spending would have been a downfall for BOTH our retirements TOGETHER; so the compomise was to let her have her paycheck to spend on whatever she wants. I would insure the bills would be paid and retirement planned for. That was a boundry she KNEW WHEN SHE ACCEPTED THE PROPOSAL. Her parents are facing forclosure and don't have a pot to pi#$ in. I didn't want to end up the same. With them as her "training" it was obvious why she couldn't handle money.

 

As far as ownership of the house and a prenup, she knew BEFORE THE PROPOSAL that she would be entitled to half the equity were we to divorce down the road. She and I are both divorced so we both knew the possiblities of that. Again, she had no problem with that BEFORE SHE ACCEPTED the proposal.

 

Now, over the course of the last 6 months, I have endured verbal abuse, her sitting on the phone telling her friends how much of a jerk I was because I wouldn't let her access my checking account (this also in front of my son) or put her on the deed.... I could go on and on about the crap she has said to me over this issue. And if you add alcohol to the mix, it was 10 times worse.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. I was willing to give her time to move out; however, after I nailed the coffin shut (because we obviously weren't on the same page as she claimed before the proposal) she became so out of control that I had to leave in the middle of the night.

 

I warned her several times to tone it down and I wasn't going to take the verbal assaults very much longer. She continued and escalated. She followed me around the house continuing her rampage. She has hit her ex husband several times, so I knew that was a possibility in this situation. Knowing the laws of domestic violence, I decided I was going to put a stop to the declination of this situation. If the police had been called, I would have been the one to have to leave even though it was my house. No way was I going to let this angry woman stay in my house and trash the place. Actually in the 30 mins I was gone in the middle of the night, she had kicked my laptop bag and broke my company's portable printer that was inside it, destroyed one of my cordless phones, and poured oil all over the top of my dresser. In a span of 30 minutes, she did about $500 worth of damage. Do you think it would have been wise to allow this woman to stay here one minute longer? I don't think so.

 

So, in answer to your post; yes, I did know about her other bad habits and took them along with her. And she did the same with me. She was awesome on so many other levels; but not awesome enough to spend the rest of my years sleeping under a bridge. Nobody is that awesome. She sold herself to me by telling me how "in tune" and "in agreement" she was with my financial plan; then changed her tune AFTER THE PROPOSAL. In fact she USED to say that it was great for her to not have to worry about any of the bills and she was free to spend what she had.

 

Had it not been for the "Jerry Springer" night, she would still be here until she got on her feet. My requesting her to move by the end of the month was flexible as long as the atmosphere here was kept pleasent. But that was not a possibility with her. She caused her own demise. I don't owe it to anybody to be their punching bag...emotionally or physically.

[westernxer]

She caused her own demise. I don't owe it to anybody to be their punching bag...emotionally or physically.

 

Nor do you have to justify your actions to anyone. You dodged a gold-digging bullet. That's all we need to know.

[june06]

I hear your point, but it would be nice to know what she thinks too. On this board people usually advice (don’t know why) to split up..

 

I think at this point you have resentment (regarding her nagging for the date of the wedding – (what is wrong with asking for the date if you are engaged?) and for financial issues). And she must have resentment too – for stalling with the date (uh, everyone would be not happy with such situation and would feel used and abused) and ‘not sharing ‘– what ever that means to her.

 

You are both adults – I understand she does not go damaging furniture on daily basis, right? She must feel v hurt if she does something like that.. people do stupid things when they argue (everyone I know does, but hey, I live in Europe – may be Americans are cold blooded). I know – I can push my husband to doing similar things when we argue.. every action has re-action – I am sure your behaviour was not angelic in the argument (even worse running away from argument )

 

You seem to think that your way regarding finances is the only way. Why don’t you try to compromise, and agree the middle way? (Assuming you still love her and don’t want to use finances as just the reason to get rid of her and her daughter). Why don’t you together agree what you both will spend a month. Then set up a joint account – and contribute proportionally income. If you earn 10x more, you contribute 10x more. And you both have the access to that account. Agree to discuss any purchases over 1000usd (or whatever the threshold is). See how that works.

 

If you love her – try to work it out.. we all make mistakes. I don’t think she is a gold digger – from what I understand the guy (apologies) is not even rich, barely middle class, if the girl is gold digger she would not be wasting her time with him

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Thank you!

[june06]

I hear your point, but it would be nice to know what she thinks too. On this board people usually advice (don’t know why) to split up..

 

I think at this point you have resentment (regarding her nagging for the date of the wedding – (what is wrong with asking for the date if you are engaged?) and for financial issues). And she must have resentment too – for stalling with the date (uh, everyone would be not happy with such situation and would feel used and abused) and ‘not sharing ‘– what ever that means to her.

 

You are both adults – I understand she does not go damaging furniture on daily basis, right? She must feel v hurt if she does something like that.. people do stupid things when they argue (everyone I know does, but hey, I live in Europe – may be Americans are cold blooded). I know – I can push my husband to doing similar things when we argue.. every action has re-action – I am sure your behaviour was not angelic in the argument (even worse running away from argument )

 

You seem to think that your way regarding finances is the only way. Why don’t you try to compromise, and agree the middle way? (Assuming you still love her and don’t want to use finances as just the reason to get rid of her and her daughter). Why don’t you together agree what you both will spend a month. Then set up a joint account – and contribute proportionally income. If you earn 10x more, you contribute 10x more. And you both have the access to that account. Agree to discuss any purchases over 1000usd (or whatever the threshold is). See how that works.

 

If you love her – try to work it out.. we all make mistakes. I don’t think she is a gold digger – from what I understand the guy (apologies) is not even rich, barely middle class, if the girl is gold digger she would not be wasting her time with him

[Kengne]

So, in answer to your post; yes, I did know about her other bad habits and took them along with her. And she did the same with me. She was awesome on so many other levels; but not awesome enough to spend the rest of my years sleeping under a bridge. Nobody is that awesome. She sold herself to me by telling me how "in tune" and "in agreement" she was with my financial plan; then changed her tune AFTER THE PROPOSAL.

 

 

WoW.

 

But in spite of it all, Bluto do you still love her? I mean if she had not pulled the Jerry Springer incident and had just moved out peacefully by the end of April... do you think that somehow you could've worked things out with time?

 

Or are you just so happy to have her out of your life, that you don't care about any of that i.e. what ifs? and feelings etc..

 

...just a question...

 

K.

[Bluto Blutarsky]

Kengne,

 

Yes, I do love her, and care for her a great deal. Who knows if we could have worked it out over time.

Right now, I am very much at peace. I did accept a lot of things about her that sometimes drove me nuts. In my present mindset, I'm just glad to be rid of it all. You know when you are mad at your "person"; everything else you don't like about them is magnified....even the way they eat drives you nuts.

 

The saying is true: "you never know who you're with until you break up with them." That "Jerry Springer" night was enough to close this chapter of my life.

 

Maybe I'll meet her again later in life; a few years down the road, after she's had a taste of actually having to make ends meet on her own for a while. Maybe she'll appreciate where I was coming from someday. I would really like to see how she devlops her own responsibility. At this point though; it's obvious I can't be her teacher in that regard. What she wants now is an enabler. Once her options run out, that's when she'll be ready for a teacher.

 

Even then, I think she's due for some therapy.

 

So, yes; I am sad, bummed, and disappointed; but, very very relaxed. I don't hear the frequent conversations about "blending". I'm not being pressured for a wedding date when we still had this major issue to resolve.

 

I can't think of any what if I didn't cover or try to cover with her. The only thing is "what if she delivered herself as she promised before I proposed." That's the person I bought. Well, that what if situation would have resulted in a marriage.

[BeFree]

It sounds to me like you never really sat her down and explained your fears and feelings about her attitude towards money and "blending." In the end you will lose someone you love because of the communicaton problem. I think you need to sit down with her, show her how much you make, what your bills are and what your goals are. Then explain to her that if she is not on board, you will end the relationship. Then ask her about her goals, what money issues she has. It sound like neither of you have laid out your money issues openly and honestly to eachother. The whole deal, not just the parts you are comfortable sharing.

 

It sounds like you were mad, then you took the advice of some people who you never met and who don't know you and your girl, and your broke it off.

 

You will end up regreting your choice, unless you can honestly say that you were very clear and you both knew EVERYTHING about eachothers money issues. If you can say for sure that this was a clear communication, then so be it. If not, I hope you go back and have this conversation, for real.

[Bluto Blutarsky]

BeFree,

 

I can't count the hours that we had those conversations. She knew exactly what I make, what the bills were, etc...right down to about what we would have for retirement. There was no stone left unturned.

We talked about the blending thing on hundreds of occasions; both, before and after the proposal. Her opinion changed after I proposed.

 

The thing is, she doesn't want to have to worry about the bills and honestly, that was fine with me. However, taking that approach kinda takes her out of the financial decision making process. If she wanted me to take care of all that and not be involved, then she's eliminated herself as a voice on that front.

 

Like voting, if someone doesn't vote, they have no right to complain about the politicians.