Guest Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Wife still wants to remain friend with OM. They have been NC to from what I've been told but still she is sad and keeps saying. That I should love her no matter what. That he live so far away that there no way to have PC and that I should trust her to never do any thing like that again. Am I a smuck or what, she lied for so many years that i did trusted her and now she just says that. Ha Ha. But do any of you ever remain friends with OM or OW ? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 In all honesty, I think its hard to go back to being just friends once the romantic line had been crossed. In your case, this seems like a not so wonderful idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 This is never recommended, not by any expert that I've ever read anyhow. The rule of thumb seems to be: There should be NO CONTACT with the affair partner again EVER. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Wife still wants to remain friend with OM. What?!?!?!?!? Am I a smuck or what, she lied for so many years that i did trusted her and now she just says that. Ha Ha. But do any of you ever remain friends with OM or OW ? You are a shmuck for letting her get away with this bullkrap! Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Tell her no way. She just wants to put a guilt trip on you so you will give her permission to stay in contact. If she wants to stay with you then NC is not an option, it is mandatory. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Wife still wants to remain friend with OM. They have been NC to from what I've been told but still she is sad and keeps saying. That I should love her no matter what. That he live so far away that there no way to have PC and that I should trust her to never do any thing like that again. Am I a smuck or what, she lied for so many years that i did trusted her and now she just says that. Ha Ha. But do any of you ever remain friends with OM or OW ? You need to let your wife know what you WILL and WILL NOT accept. I told my H under no circumstances will he ever have contact with the OW, through phone, email, text, IM, ANYTHING! 1st time I find out about it, his ass is out! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Tell her it is him or you! Be strong and stick to it. Oh, she will be pissed but will get over it once she comes out of the fog. I dont think she has come out of it yet. Wanting to be friends with the OM means she has not fully accepted her wrong doing. Put your foot down, NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 She wants to continue the relationship because she's getting something out of it- which indicates she still desires to have him in her life. LJ is right. This is a huge NO NO if your marriage is to recover. Have you been to marriagebuilders? Take a peek there and see what they say about no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 If she still wants to remain "friends" ( did she ever claim to be just "friends" with him before?) then she is not committed to you and is more than likely still in a relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Wife still wants to remain friend with OM. They have been NC to from what I've been told but still she is sad and keeps saying. That I should love her no matter what. That he live so far away that there no way to have PC and that I should trust her to never do any thing like that again. Am I a smuck or what, she lied for so many years that i did trusted her and now she just says that. Ha Ha. But do any of you ever remain friends with OM or OW ?[/quote Thanks for all your comments had to reg.and picked this screen name cute " She has been friends with him for 20 years I asked her about him and said that he was like a brother to her he is about 8 years younger you see I trusted her and most of the time all of her cheating was done at work they would go on severice calls she would (ride along) to get paper work done and would have a Quicke in the truck. Classy right? Any way she come home like nothing was going on. Every now and then a flag would pop up that there was something going on. But she would say he is like my little brother. I would trust her again. So fast froward 20 years to no all of us are in church she drops this bombshell on me and I flip out and am so hurt don't know what to do? Are children are grown up I'm really envoled with the chuch can't talk to anyone about it so here I am. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Whether she knew him for 20 years or 20 minutes, she was unfaithful. If you are willing to forgive her for this horrible thing she's done, she's in no position to make any demands at all. It is your way or the highway. I suggest the highway. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Look, if they are friends, then she cannot focus on you. She's emotionally involved with HIM in keeping a friendship. I told my xMM that he and I cannot be friends nor are we friends. We work together. I respect him on a professional level, that is it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 She can't stay friends with him. If she does, those feelings are still being fed which means she will still be "into" him and not giving all her focus on just you. They may not be physical with eachother, but by staying friends, it's definately still an emotional affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Absolutely not. Your spouse needs to snap out of the fog and decide who she wants. You should not even be tolerating this type of discussion. The fact that you entertain this 'friendship' as a possibility is sending her the wrong message. During his affair, my husband wanted to remain friends with his lover. They were friends beforehand. They kept trying to break it off and just be "friends." Didn't work -- they were screwing for more than 10 years until they were caught. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I'll add to the chorus: NO, NO, and a third time, NO. You need to put her to a choice: she gets you in her life, or him. NOT both. Anybody with whom she betrayed your trust and broke the vows she swore to you is officially a cancer on your marriage. You don't placate a cancer, or be friendly with it. You cut it out, without mercy or hesitation. She will continue to disrespect you as long as you continue to allow her to. Put your foot down. Tell her that, if she wants to stay married to you, she is not to contact him again by any means. And if he attempts to contact her, she is to inform you immediately. And then, once she agrees to that, monitor her email and her cellphone. Install keylogger software on the computer, so you can find out if she's emailing him (even after she's deleted the messages). She's putting up resistance to the idea of no contact, so for the moment, she's not to be trusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 She wants to keep him in her life. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you allow this the relationship is doomed. Its probably doomed anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 I'll add to the chorus: NO, NO, and a third time, NO. You need to put her to a choice: she gets you in her life, or him. NOT both. Anybody with whom she betrayed your trust and broke the vows she swore to you is officially a cancer on your marriage. You don't placate a cancer, or be friendly with it. You cut it out, without mercy or hesitation. She will continue to disrespect you as long as you continue to allow her to. Put your foot down. Tell her that, if she wants to stay married to you, she is not to contact him again by any means. And if he attempts to contact her, she is to inform you immediately. And then, once she agrees to that, monitor her email and her cellphone. Install keylogger software on the computer, so you can find out if she's emailing him (even after she's deleted the messages). She's putting up resistance to the idea of no contact, so for the moment, she's not to be trusted. You see she keeps throwing things back in my face of all the things wrong that I've done in the past and keeps pointing the finger. I went through a time when working midnights 7 days a week for years at a time like 330 days one year. Not being the best husband on earth she said that she was the only one that keep us together and stuff like that. I've always bent over backwards to keep her happy. My daughter is always saying that I kiss her but to much. What really killing me is before she told me are life together was the best that it has ever been. Then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its like things are great then less see how much he really loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO just to add to what everyone else has said. She either wants to be with you or not. If she wants to be with you she CANNOT have contact with him. It doesn't matter if she used to be friends with him. They crossed a line that cannot be crossed and still be "just friends". A class act she is NOT, but maybe your marriage can be saved if you and SHE want it to be badly enough. But CONTACT? NO WAY!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
cuckolded husband Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO just to add to what everyone else has said. She either wants to be with you or not. If she wants to be with you she CANNOT have contact with him. It doesn't matter if she used to be friends with him. They crossed a line that cannot be crossed and still be "just friends". A class act she is NOT, but maybe your marriage can be saved if you and SHE want it to be badly enough. But CONTACT? NO WAY!!!! You see she keeps saying that she wishes that things could be like before not before the A, but before she confessed that she cheated. And when the first time I told her no contact she told me be careful on what I was ready to say she knew it was comming, that comment floored me but after she thought about it things has changed some my daughter says that she knows a good thing when she has it. There is more to all of this than she is telling and I can't get it out of her . She keeps telling me that when she dies that I will really know how much she loves me but when I ask she won't tell I think that she has had sex with others also but don't have proof. Does anyone know what she means when she tells me this? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 9, 2006 Share Posted April 9, 2006 If the roles were reversed and you told her that you wanted to remain friends with the OW who you had quickies with in your truck and put your wife's health at health at risk for STD's during a long period of time; do you honestly think your wife would put up with such crap? And if your further told your wife she should love you nobody what you did what do you think her reaction would be? My friend she has disrespected and humiliated you and your marriage in the worst possible way. To have quickies in a truck on service calls makes me wonder how you can respect her as a spouse. The fact that she wants to remain in contact with him since he left is beyond comprehension. Do you think your wife would have allowed you to remain in contact with a woman who defiled your marriage. For her to even suggest this indicates that she does think you are a shmuck and a fool which indicates she is still disrespecting you. She has clearly shown you what she thinks about you and your marriage. Why are you putting up with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie61 Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 Friends with the OM after the A has ended??? That is a ridiculous idea! If your W has chosen to stay with you and to make things work with you, then there can be no contact with the OM. That would only act as maintaining the A indefinitively, PC or no PC. The OM will have to make other arrangements and find new friends to support him. Your W has to dedicate all her efforts to you from now on if your marriage is going to work again. Link to post Share on other sites
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