KittenMoon Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Ok, it's WAAAAAYYY to early in my breakup to figure this sort of thing out in my case, but I was wondering what other's thought on this, especially people a little further down the recovery track. How do you know if you miss companionship/love/contact (or particular aspects of a lost relationship) versus missing an actual person for who they are? Or how do you THINK you know? Discuss... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I don't know that you can separate the two. It's hard. Missing the compansionship causes you to miss the person that made you feel that way. Missing the person makes you miss their companionship. That's why hanging out with friends is so important during the breakup and recovery phase. You need someone to hang out with and fill that empty space so the hole where your ex was is filled to some degree. I don't agree that sleeping with someone else right away is the best way to recover. I believe it will just make you miss your Ex even more. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 To be honest I have been wondering the same thing when it really comes down to it. I feel like I would be interested in meeting someone just to be able to go out and do things with. Share a nice walk on a nice spring day together, stuff like that. I would just enjoy the companionship I guess. To be able to look forward to a few things but I am not really skilled at getting out and meeting woman as I haven’t done it for over 10 years and even then I was only 18. I guess I won’t know if I just miss the companionship until I try it out. Not sure if this is really what you are looking for… Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 Actually, I don't have anything specific in mind. I guess I'm just pondering the difference between missing the companionship and missing a specific person for who they were and the effect they had in your life (not just limited to the relationship). It's easier to distinguish with friends I guess. I sometimes miss an old friend for who they were, like maybe in a situation that reminds me of them, and then I wish we were still in contact or still friends. But its been so long I don't feel that way for too long. If you want to go even deeper, I guess I just feel the people we love (TRULY love) might play a larger role in our lives outside of the the time between the beginning and the end of the relationship, even if it's not in body. Just looking for thoughts on this. Once again, I think too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 I missed being a family unit as I'd known it for 25 years. Ultimately, I didn't miss the ex AT ALL! Link to post Share on other sites
Raven1845 Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 For me, I realized that I missed the actual person and not the companionship by noticing that no one else appealed to me. No matter who it is that asks me out, I am just not attracted to them. Also noticing things I'd see and having it remind me of my ex. The way others would respond to things, I'd mentally compare to my ex. The way he personally would have reacted or made me feel. Things like that. Going out with or hugging or even a goodnight kiss from someone else doesn't "do it for me" the way it did with my ex. Just walking in the snow with someone doesn't appeal to me. Walking in the snow with him is what appeals to me. Things like that made me realize I miss him and not just being with someone. I'm asked out frequently, but I'm just not interested. I think later that we perhaps miss the companionship of someone, but I'm not there yet. Right now, it's him I miss. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflying Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 My last serious relationship was an LDR. I miss the airline, and road trips to see him. I miss the two of us exploring new places together. I miss being able to get away from my usual environment every once in a while. Visiting him was always like a vacation. It made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. But it was all taken away, literally, overnight. My XBF didn't die, but it felt that way. One night he got a phone call from an estranged XGF. It made me curious. I started snooping and found out that my XBF was having sex with several other women besides me, including his XGF's. I brought it to his attention and everything changed. We broke up. It happened several years ago. But even now, I still miss the positive aspects of the relationship. Knowing that my XBF's feelings for me were lies doesn't change the experices I had with him. It doesn't change the feelings I had with him. From hind sight, I know I don't miss "him". But I do miss the "him" I thought he was. No one else can fill the void he left. No one else can make me feel the way he did. I look foward to finding a new love with new experiences. I don't want to compare anything to my past because nothing can replace that. But I want the next love to be "real." Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 KM, Re: " What's the difference between missing companionship and missing THAT person? " It's both. And because it's both, -it's also a big part of the reason we have all this (double) trouble 'letting go'. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 KM, It's both. And because it's both, -it's also a big part of the reason we have all this (double) trouble 'letting go'. -Rio My problem in letting go was missing both the companionship and missing that person..But now I've come to realize since both were built up in my mind, I was actually missing a fantasy idealized version of 'that person'. The person he really was which I consciously denied... I don't miss at all. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 About that fantasy image of them... Isn't it funny how we'll reject little things like clothes that aren't comfortable, shoes that are too tight, things that rub, irritate, aggravate, and rob us of our comfort...and, yet, we'll use 'buffers' to facilitate and accommodate the presence of someone who -consistently- turns our heart into a heartache filet? Go figure. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 About that fantasy image of them... Isn't it funny how we'll reject little things like clothes that aren't comfortable, shoes that are too tight, things that rub, irritate, aggravate, and rob us of our comfort...and, yet, we'll use 'buffers' to facilitate and accommodate the presence of someone who -consistently- turns our heart into a heartache filet? Go figure. -Rio Our minds are distorted by what the heart desires. We often ignore all the red flags and warning signs of a bad person, ignore our gut feelings and DEFY LOGIC to try and hang on to someone that is bad for us. There's a comedian named Bill something, can't remember his last name. His schtick is the "Here's your sign" jokes. The premise is, if stupid people had a sign telling us they were stupid, we'd know to be a little bit more careful with them. I wish people that were bad for us had signs as well. That way we could avoid the "heartache filet" that is sure to follow dating them. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 Our minds are distorted by what the heart desires. We often ignore all the red flags and warning signs of a bad person, ignore our gut feelings and DEFY LOGIC to try and hang on to someone that is bad for us. There's a comedian named Bill something, can't remember his last name. His schtick is the "Here's your sign" jokes. The premise is, if stupid people had a sign telling us they were stupid, we'd know to be a little bit more careful with them. I wish people that were bad for us had signs as well. That way we could avoid the "heartache filet" that is sure to follow dating them. Something just occurred to me when reading this post of yours Caliguy, maybe we refuse to see those signs because we hate the simple act of admitting to ourselves that we made a mistake... "an oops another mess I've gotten myself into" sort of mistake. We expect perfection in ourselves and think the ones we love and our relationships should be like what we see in the movies or compared to other people's happy coupling and when we sense that the ones we've nosedived into aren't what we hoped for we begin to "IGNORE" things turn a blind eye to what we know is obviously a titanic. We hate admitting to ourselves that we made a bad choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted April 7, 2006 Author Share Posted April 7, 2006 Let's not be so hard on ourselves. Yes, we ignore signs. But as hindsight is always 20/20, sometimes the signs we see are easily mistaken for personality quirks, stresses du jour, etc. I mean, we're not perfect, neither are out exes, and sometimes you don't see the problems anymore than anyone else would have. I gotta say that everyone has to settle for some imperfections in their mates. So how do you seperate the BIG issues from the little ones (other than the obvious infidelity, abuse etc). I know that most of the problems between my ex and I would be considered relatively minor compared to most I've seen on this site, but the devil's in the details quite often, right? But of course, hindsight... Link to post Share on other sites
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