Am I Crazy or is He a Narcissist?

[Guest]

Please people - help me with this.....

 

Me and my boyfriend are in our 40's and have been dating on and off for a while. I am at the point I'm ready to dump him...why? He's so self absorbed it's beyond ridiculous.

 

This guy constantly puffs his own ego, brags about how wonderful people think he is at work, etc., he goes on and on and on. I sometimes laugh at him because he sounds so ridiculous bragging about how great he is. It turns me off and I end up being sarcastic with him by calling him "Mr. Fabulous".

 

I can't ever get a word in edgewise because he has to top me somehow or override the conversation. It's always all about him..... he never shuts up. I've told him several times that he sounds silly bragging so much and he just says "Yea, I've got a big ego".

 

He's not rich, not great looking, not successful - he's works in a blue collar job - only makes good money when he works overtime, etc.

 

But he talks about his job as a metal recycling supervisor like he owns and runs the company... saying "Yeah, I'm firing this guy tomorrow" or "I make the guys under me work their butts off"......... he's very arrogant about everything.

 

He's totally full of himself and after two years I'm so sick of hearing about how fabulous he is........(insert finger in mouth)....

 

He has no clue what an idiot he sounds like and how turned off I get listening to his bragging.....

 

How do you make someone like this come back down to earth and shut up? Or is he simply a self absorbed narcissist and there is no hope - I should dump him and find someone more sincere and genuine?

 

He really seems to think he's something and no matter how many times I tell him "Get over yourself" he just keeps on talking and bragging. Anyone ever encounter someone like this?

[nicki]

Yeah, I knew a guy like this. But he had LOW self-esteem.

 

Is your guy caring? Empathetic to how you and others feel? Does he try to make you feel like a million bucks?

 

Then it could be that he just wants your approval. Compliment him before he gets a chance to "puff" himself up. Tell him the qualities you love about him. Let him know that job status, job power, money mean nothing to you.

 

Tell him how sexy he is. That he is a GOD to you. That you would rather live in a tent with him than in a mansion with anyone else. Then jump him!

 

Some guys are insecure and just want to make sure that you think they are a great catch. Everytime he makes a comment about himself, tell him that you love and adore him, just the way he is. That he is more than enough for you.

 

NOW, if he acts like a jerk to everyone and is selfish, then it could be an overblown ego. I'd run for the hills if that's the case. No fixing that wagon.

[whichwayisup]

Does he have ANY good qualities??

 

Men like that, whether or not he is actually a N or just extremely selfish do not change. He's been like that ALL his life and chances are he isn't going to change for you or anybody else.

 

A classic sign is if he says to you, "I am who I am, accept me, get used to this and this is how things are..." Then, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to put up with that crap.

 

Do you love him? Can you work around his selfish ways?

 

What else does he do, I mean, how is he in bed? Giving, or is he only in it for himself? Does he do nice things for you, listen to your day at all?

[Tim'sAngel]

I can't ever get a word in edgewise because he has to top me somehow or override the conversation. It's always all about him..... he never shuts up. I've told him several times that he sounds silly bragging so much and he just says "Yea, I've got a big ego".

 

UGh, I can't stand people like this!!

 

I think you already know what you need to do. You never once said anything like "He is very affectionate" or "He does things to make me feel loved and wanted" or anything positive. It's one thing to have patience and try to help you S/O see what they are doing wrong, but you have to know when it's a lost cause. If he is in his 40's and still hasn't realized what an a$$ he is being, then I would be inclined to believed he never will.

 

Good luck!

[nicki]

Yeah, he might have been charming AT FIRST so he could hook you...caring and sensitive, especially in bed.

 

A good man will be like that consistently, with everyone (well, not in bed with everyone.)

 

Is he a good man? Maybe just insecure? Or is he a selfish, self-centered Man who doesn't care about others? You already know the answer.

[Caroline962]

Thanks for your responses - I am the original poster of this thread - I just registered so I could continue with this thread......so here goes. I welcome more responses!!!

 

Ok, as I originally said with my boyfriend it's all about him....... I've tried talking to him and telling him how I feel to no avail. He's always had a problem with women beginning with when his mom left him when he was 14 to run off with another man. His father was devistated and she took his sisters and left and was gone for 7 years. He never heard a word from her. She divorced his dad and stayed gone all that time. His dad didn't supervise him so he was left to run the streets.

 

Then he went thru two failed marriages - of course he blames them....yadda yadda....

 

When we first were together he was caring and rushed our relationship - when I wouldn't commit he got angry. But each time we've broken up he's come back. But when he gets me back he starts in on the arrogant act again....

 

He's not considerate towards me and my feelings. As I said - it's always about him. Sex is dull - he does it and then it's over - I feel like I'm just a release to him. He tells me he loves me but none of it feels genuine - like he really cares. Yet when we're apart or broken up he's miserable without me and comes back with big promises to make it work, etc.

 

I'm always left feeling empty. There's no connection there no matter how hard we try. He's always got to be better than me. If I've had a good day at work - he's had a GREAT day. If I talk about anything he contradicts me and talks as if he knows so much more about the subject.

 

His son is better than mine, he's got more money than others, he's perfect in every way and I could never possibly be more interesting than him - if I am he cuts me down.

 

I've let him boss me around, break up with me then come back and when he knows he's losing me it's only THEN he acts like a decent guy and becomes compassionate and sweet. But it never lasts.

 

I feel with him I'm "settling" and holding on because I'm in my 40's and finding someone else is so difficult. I wish I could meet someone else to help me break away.

 

This man makes me miserable when I'm with him and miserable when I'm without him. I'm stuck. He can be sweet sometimes but those times are getting few and far between. I know deep down we love each other but he's unhealthy for me. My self esteem suffers and he constantly makes me feel worthless and unimportant.

 

I hate this because I am extremely outgoing and get along great with people - people tell me I'm a "breath of fresh air" because I'm genuine and nice. My boyfriend can't stand the fact I'm independent and a decent person - he seems to want to crush me and make me feel bad about myself so he can feel more powerful.

 

It's been a battle because I'm always feeling I have to prove myself when he's cutting me down or belittling me. I'm always on the defensive and I feel like I'm always saying "Do you not hear me?", "Do you not care?".

 

Right now he couldn't even name the company I work for.......why? He's never asked. He couldn't even tell you my job title or where I work - he's never asked!!! I can name his title, place of work and go into detail. I listen to him. I think he just doesn't care about me and thinks I'm just not important. It hurts - he just doesn't seem to care.

 

When I talk to him about this he gets defensive and mad. I think he is abusive mentally because these are mind games.

 

Right now we're at the point we're barely speaking because each conversation I just clam up while he does all the talking and then I'm just too angry to say much so then the conversation ends. He never once says "Is anything wrong? Can we talk things out?". He doesn't care.....

 

Problem is ........ I keep hoping he'll open up and get off his high horse but we're going on 2 years and nothing has changed.

 

I'm more alone with him than without him. I just can't understand how anyone can be this selfish and self absorbed. It's pathetic.

 

And he could care less about my son - his son walks on water and that's all that matters.

 

I'm so sad - I've tried for 2 years and I know it'll never work. I can't allow myself to settle. I want more and I deserve more. I want someone who cares about me and my son.

[Tim'sAngel]

Yeah, he might have been charming AT FIRST so he could hook you...caring and sensitive, especially in bed.

 

A good man will be like that consistently, with everyone (well, not in bed with everyone.)

 

*Whew* Thanks for clearing that up Nicki

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi Caroline,

 

I think you've pretty much answered your own question with your second post. I feel for you. I also feel invisible to my husband. It's been 10 years, and I understand now that he will never change. I also understand what you are referring to when you said that you feel more lonely without him than when you are with him.

 

Please, understand that you do not need a man to be happy. you said that you are independent and outgoing. You should be able to live on your own and make yourself happy! You do not need your boyfriend! You do not owe him anything!

 

Would you rather have invested 10 years in your BF before you can call it quits? I hope not.

[Walk]

It doesn't sound as if he's over compensating for being insecure. Otherwise there would still be room for you in the relationship. But he's not even attempting to make any. I've known men with really low self-esteem brag about everything, but they're also sweet, loveable men the rest of the time.

 

I would be so fed up with someone like that after 2 years. There's only so long you can listen to someone else tell you how great they are until you're filled with resentment and animosity toward them.

 

40 isn't old. There are other men out there. Better lives to lead. And happiness to be had. You may be lonely for a little while, but it passes. If the man doesn't care enough to even ask where you spend your week, it doesn't say much for his love for you. You need to find your own happiness, far away from this guy.

[Caroline963]

Update: I gave this weekend one last attempt with him. I've thought about this so much and my conclusions are: He's always going to have to "one-up" me on anything I say, anything I do. I couldn't get a word in all weekend - he talked on top of me and had to top everything I said. He might as well have said "You really don't matter - I'm better than you".

 

I listened to him brag about how much he spoils his son, his son is better than anyone else and will always get what he wants. His lack of respect for me and my son was very prevalent this weekend. He'd do something for his son and totally disregard my son. He snapped at my son and treated him like dirt while oozing praise on his son.

 

I even tried telling him "Your arrogance and ego turn me off" but he seemed proud of it and disregarded my feelings and then once again started talking on top of me.

 

Bottom line - he's an arrogant ass who thinks he and his son and family are better than anyone else. It doesn't matter who he gets involved with in a relationship - he'll one-up them and keep up the narcissistic attitude. He's impossible to love because it's always about him.

 

My feeling won't matter and anytime I'm unhappy he'll laugh at me and belittle me. He will never make a good husband and definately he'll never put forth any effort to treat my son as his own much less treat him fairly.

 

I'm tired of beating a dead horse. This guy is too in love with himself to love me, my son or anyone else for that matter. It's never going to work. The only thing this guy can ever truly have a relationship with is a mirror!

[whichwayisup]

Remember too, this man is teaching YOUR son things ... He is doing damage to him, even in small ways.

 

I hope soon, you find the strength and the support to leave him. Life is going to be the same unless YOU change things. I would hate for you to say out of fear of being alone...Being alone is better than staying with this guy. He isn't good for you or your son. Very unhealthy.

[Caroline963]

It is very unhealthy - and I'm leaving him effective today. I can't go on like this any longer. I'm miserable and extremely unhappy. Being alone is healthier than being with this guy - he's sucking the life out of me (and all my self esteem).

 

I've never ever encountered someone as narcisstic as this - and I hope to never again. Being with someone like this is no fun and a healthy relationship is impossible.

 

I'm at the point now where I realize how manipulating he's been and how all the times he tries to make me feel inferior are attempts by him to belittle and control me - so he feels more powerful.

 

I'm getting the hell out. He'll never change and I'll never be happy. For so long he made me feel like such a bad person. No more.

[beefy]

It is very unhealthy - and I'm leaving him effective today. I can't go on like this any longer. I'm miserable and extremely unhappy. Being alone is healthier than being with this guy - he's sucking the life out of me (and all my self esteem).

 

I've never ever encountered someone as narcisstic as this - and I hope to never again. Being with someone like this is no fun and a healthy relationship is impossible.

 

I'm at the point now where I realize how manipulating he's been and how all the times he tries to make me feel inferior are attempts by him to belittle and control me - so he feels more powerful.

 

I'm getting the hell out. He'll never change and I'll never be happy. For so long he made me feel like such a bad person. No more.

 

mabye you will be surprised by this mabye you wont but most guys are like him. Well at least all the ones i know.

 

Better you just end it and go your seperate ways, no point in hanging in there if you fell the way you do.

 

Good luck!

[Curmudgeon]

I don't think he's a narcissist. I think he has a huge inferiority complex and badly bruised ego, both of which are resulting in an extremely poor self-image.

 

I think he needs help!

[Caroline963]

I think the fact his mom abandoned him when he was 14 (she left him and his dad and ran off with his middle school football coach!) and the fact his exwife left him for another man has alot to do with the way he is.

 

He's bitter and pissed off at women in general. I think he one-ups me to make sure he's ahead of me at all times. Who really knows - I think he's got issues that no matter who he's with will end up being subjected to his inflated ego.

 

Beefy - you think almost all guys are like this? If you're right I'm staying single for life.