we are apart, but we might as well be 2gether....

[flyBYluv]

I haven't posted in awhile, but when i did, i thought the responces were encredibly helpful.

 

Okay, it all started last summer, when both my boyfriend and i were home from college in arizona; he was in ohio with his family and i was back in colorado with mine. being away for 3 months from each other and being so far away really hurt, so i flew out to cincinnati for a couple weeks.. it was a total blast, as i had been there before over our christmas break of 2004. from cincinnati, we went down to florida with his family for a few days and that was also a blast, but things were starting to change. i was starting to become preoccupied with god knows what.. maybe improving my grades at school and what not, i don't really remember, but all i know is that i was starting to become more paranoid and it was beginning to annoy us both. these traits started to show down in florida, maybe because it was our first long vacation together and that it was a 14hr. drive down there... i dunno, but nevertheless, i wasn't myself. //we spent the rest of the summer at our homes, and i was starting to doubt things about myself and the fact that i didn't really know, at the time, where this relationship was going. i definitely remember feeling jealous over the last part of the summer ... of HIM, because i thought it was such a blast out there in ohio and i was having a bummer of a time at home, having being fired from two jobs throughout the summer, and basically stressing myself out more than i needed to. about a week before we both were going back to school, i went to a party where a bunch of my high school crew was at and i got pretty drunk as well as high... not such a good idea. anyway, brendan called me and i told him i was at a party and that the ratio of guys to girls was like 9:2, he was pretty pissed. he asked me if anything would happen, and i said no way, but i didn't want to be there but i couldn't leave (not his problem, just made him worry more ) he said ,"howd u like it if i was at a party drunk with mostly girls there and you couldn't do anything about it?" i told him he had nothing to worry about. i was kind of mad at him for being so scared and thinking id be stupid enough to do something, and, being drunk, my god, i started to flirt more, and i ended up hooking up with an old aquantance from high school i had absolutely no interest in. we had sex for like 5 minutes, and then i pushed him off saying i was already involved with someone and that it wouldn't be right to finish. i locked myself in another room in that house, woke up at 6am and left the house feeling encredibly confused, taken advantage of, and extremely dirty. i didn't tell brendan about it. he asked me what happed the next day and i said nothing. i knew i didn't want to have sex with the guy and i was really drunk, i dont remember saying i wanted to anyway. so i guess, at the time, i wanted to iron things out and figure out if it was considdered rape, or if i full out cheated. well, i didnt figure i out before i went back to school, that was two weeks later, and i still hadn't told brendan what happened. then, out of nowhere, he calls me pretty drunk accusing me of cheating, says that he heard from people that knew me in colorado told him i cheated... that was impossible, he was just freakedout cuz he knew something was wrong, i later learned... anyway, i went over to his apartment that night and admitted i slept with that aquaintance. i admitted i cheated even though i felt taken advantage of when it happened... i didn't know what to do accept be completely honest with brendan and accept that i ligitimately cheated on him. he forgave me... and that was that.. but essesntially, that's what made things more complicated. i felt so stupid that i put myself in that situation and i eventually told brendan the little tiny details of the night, that i felt pressured. i told him everything, that i was waisted and that he heldme down, i dind't feel willful at all.. this confused him, he got really mad and said he would be pissed if didn't do anything about it. i didn't know what to do! i didn't have any money for a councelor, so i just accepted that i did something really stupid and that it was a onetime thing. brendan accepted that too, but he never fully understood how i felt and it was starting to drive us apart as the semester progressed.. i was starting to find frequent flaws in the way he treated me, you know, the ignorant boyfriend stuff, he was just taking more time to think about the f***ed up situation we had gone throught and how he was dealing with it. but all in all, i was worried that he was not committing himself like he said he would, after the fact that i screwed up. i wanted all or nothing.

 

but see, thats the problem.. i had lost a lot of my dignity during those few months after the summer incident and i fell into depression again ( i had gone through a spout of it my junior year of high school and was seeing a councelor at the time). my grades were dropping, by dorm mate moved out along with complained.. i was short with people and was all in all selfish and i had put myself in a little shell of doubt, that i though i, myself could get out of. this was hurting brendan too, but i never thought any of it at the time, figuratively, he was running far ahead of me, cuz he didn't do anything wrong, and i was going through depression... he ignored me during the recent weeks after he learned i had cheated, and when we talked he was really short with me. that did NOT help my depression.. it made me feel anger towards him, and eventually i concluded that i wouldnt' put myself down to keep him if he doesn't want to be there in the first place. i hooked up with a kid in my dorm, of whom i had a tiny crush for, and planned to break up with brendan the next day, thinking i could heal if i opened myself up to other people. COMPLETE HEADCASE. i regret it. i told brendan the next day and he went bisurk. we broke up and he kissed a girl that same day, and because of the depression of it all, he had sex with a girl the day after that.. he regretted it. he didn't tell me this, even after we had decided to try to work things out.. we were off and on up until christmas break. apparently, he wanted to forget that he ever did that and try to move on with me.. anyway, we both couldnt deal with our own guilt and pain we had caused each other, but we still loved each other so much.... i thought it best for me and our relationship together to be apart for the break, meaning, broken up. he didn't like this idea as much as i did but he knew i had to figure my s*** out.

 

so, i couldn't wait to go back home for break... oooohh man, did i need one! i helped me so much... i got myself together again by talking with my family about my concerns with school.. ( i thought i was going to be acedemically suspended from the university after that horrible semester, but i was really just put on probation). essentially, i found myself a house back in flagstaff and enrolled in a couple classes at the community college next to the university here. it was a great move. over the break, i indulged my fantasies, i hooked up with my ex boyfriend.. we were better off as friends when we broke up way back in high school, but we were still attracted to each other.. and i made out with a kid on new years eve. go figure. brendan and i had been talking all break, so we knew where each other was at. he was heartbroken when i told him i kissed someone, when we agreed that that was okay for each of us to do if it was gunna happen..

 

we got back from break, and i was tellin myself i wouldn't see him as soon as i got back, but hey, my instinct got the best of me and i actually went straight to his apartment.. we talked and i eventually told him i hooked up with jeff, my ex, on a ski trip.. and he said he couldn't trust me anymore.. that hurt, but i thought i had bigger things to worry about like getting myself out of depression... he was hurt, but we both hurt each other.. we ended up getting back to gether, then i broke up with him on whims over and over... i was soooo confused!!! he started not to take me seriously anymore, no doubt, dont' blame him... im an impulsive as well as thoughtfull girl, so pretty much im very unpredictable....

 

we argued constantly, and he wasnt treating me with respect.. i posed we jst be friends and take a loong time to just live and figure ourselves out.. he said he didn't m8ind cuz he couldnt take me seriously anymore really cuz i broke up with him so often... that was about a month ago..

 

we are still apart, but the thing is, that it WORKS. we hang out, we talk, we listen to each other, we laugh, we kiss, we have sex, we see each other at parties, i go to different parties than he does and have my own life and i am not really depressed anymore. the thing is that he is one of if not my best friend. his friends tell me that he is still all about me and that i have no reason to worry that he'll just dissapear. our closest friends as well as our family members know how screwed up our relationship has gotten and they all want us to work things out too.. a couple of his friends had said ,,"heyyyy u guys are still together, or hey, you might as well be" but i know better.

the thing is that brendan said he'll wait for me as long as it takes for me to forgive myself and well as however long it takes for him to forgive himself too.. i know we both have and are now learning acceptance and to live with change.. no relationship is perfect. he says he will always love me and gosh darn, i will always love him. and that is that..

 

to let you know, both brendan and i are 20 years old....what i want to know are some tips to help me keep an open mind and to keep my options open as well as some ways to effectively communicate and remain honest and trustworthy to brendan, we are in a healing stage right now with the emotions between us.. HOW CAN I KEEP THINGS FAIR AND MATURE BETWEEN US??? we are doing well right now, but id like your imput