living together before marriage

[Guest]

Have always been of the opinion that it is better to live together before you get married, but being British Asian this is not always easy.

 

Have been going out with my fiancee for nearly 2 years am 31yrs and she is 30years old, had our fair share of ups and downs but feel more comfortable with her than i have ever done so with anyone else. Although have sometimes felt that whilst I love her sometimes I don't feel in love with her but maybe once we are together everything will improve. She has far more experience of relationships than I do, and has been set on marrying me for quite a while.

 

Had been discussing this with my finacee for a while and she told me that her parents would hit the roof if we moved in before we got married, but said that she would move in with me once we were engaged.

 

I assumed that she had cleared this with her parents, and earlier this year proposed. We have been house-hunting and have not yet set a date for the wedding. She wants to get married as soon as possible, I want to wait until next year until we find a place, settle in, am also changing jobs, and finances will be a bit tight.

 

Two days ago, she informs me that her parents will not agree to us living together before getting married, and she did not tell me because she thought she could sort it out herself. She has also been under immense pressure to get married from her parents.

 

I didn't propose just to live with her though that was an important part of it. I feel that she has become so desparate to get married that she has not told me just so that I would go along with her.

 

I feel duped, but realise that i have got myself in this position by proposing without getting everything cleared up first.

 

Wondering whether to take that leap of faith and just marry her or postpone everything until I know that I can marry her without living together. Feel very nervous now as I thought I would have the breathing space of living together so that we would know if we were really meant to be. Part of my propblem is that I have not had many realtionships in the past so difficult to compare tit to other relationships.

 

Anyone been in a similar position? and have any advice.

[bab]

She is 30, not 18. If she really wants to live with you, then she can. While she may be feeling pressure from her parents to get married, she is probably also feeling internal pressure and just honestlyl wants to marry you.

 

I honestly don't understand why men would propose to a woman and not be willing to set a date. You asked her to marry you. It's not unreasonable that she wants to do it soon.

 

Many people get married sucessfully without ever living together. I supect your reservations are more about no longer feeling "in love" with her. People are rarely "in love" their entire marriages. Loving her, which you say you do, is just as rewarding and is the glue that holds the two of you together.

[catgirl1927]

If you didn't want to get married, you should not have proposed.

 

You don't sound like you're sure you want to do this. Let me tell you from experience, it's easier to get out now than to wait and divorce later. And WAY less expensive.

 

The very idea that a 30 year old woman needs "permission" from her parents is ridiculous.

[blind_otter]

I understand that asian parents are strict, but you just have to stand up to them. Really. I don't see what the big deal is. You can't live your life for your parents, man. She needs to grow some balls.

[Kengne]

Sometimes..... marriage IS a leap of faith.

 

I'm not big on co-habitating prior to marriage, period. So if you were counting on that to decide for you whether or not she's 'The One' then you shouldn't have proposed. Because as you see now, she can't live with you even though you two are engaged now. I don't really buy the whole parental disapproval thing but whatever.

 

And still, if you REALLY wanted to marry her it wouldn't matter if you lived together ot not, bcuz like I said above - marriage is a leap of faith. Even living together guarantees NOTHING. Ppl who lived together before marriage are just (if not more) as likely to divorce as ppl who didn't live together.

 

If you're not 100 % sure about marrying her ... then I think you should def postpone the engagement until you are prepared to marry her without living with her first. Don't mislead the situation, and continue to be engaged with all these raging doubts you're having.

 

Sit her down... tell herr you love her, but do not feel comfortable right now being ENGAGED but not living together. Explain to her your fears, and suggest calling off the engagement until you are ready to marry her without living together with her. Of course she'll be hurt... and chances are, she'll put even MORE pressure on you to get married.

 

But that's life. You can't have your cake and eat it too i.e. call off the engagement for your peace of mind, but then expect her to be all honky dory about it when she's clearly wanting to get married asap.

 

IF she keeps on pushing and pushing after the engagement is off... well, it's up to you at that point.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[tikigods]

Moving in with someone should be because you want to and enjoy being that close to them, it shouldn't be a thing to bring the relationship stronger, or see if you can last, you will fail when you do that.

 

BUt yeah if you weren't sure you wanted to marry her you shouldn't have pruposed, she has every right to be wanting to get married when you already asked her to.

[starlight2025]

Living together before or after marriage is a recipe for disaster! The less time you spend together the better the two of you will get along. The happiest couples do not spend alot of time together & they live their own separate lives.

 

I do not live with my girlfriend and I have no desire to at this point. I like having my own space to come and go as I please. I let her life her own life too.

 

A woman who asks me to move in with her is a clingy woman and unattractive.

 

It is not necessary to spend more time together to be happy. Why not learn to be happy with yourself now instead of waiting until you live together? It is eaiser for me to live alone and have separate residiences from my gf. I spend the night at her house about once every 1-2 weeks. I help her out with dishes & cooking and contribute to food expenses when I stay over.

 

Dating exclusively long term without living together is the best of both worlds! I need space & freedom to breathe, relax & be myself.

[rk99]

Thanks for your tips guys.

Part of me feels decieved by my fiancee and whilst I do appreciate the pressure she is under, I need to look out for myself. She has told me that she is scared that I am test driving the relationship or her, and I guess what she says is true.

But she is my best friend, someone in whom I can totally confide in, and I do love her, although the passion has been missing, possibly because of all the stress and pressure from family etc.

Am spending a weekend with her, and hopefully will be able to just enjoy her company and be able to talk about everything, so that we can both move forwards, if that's possible.

[ladyinwaiting]

Like you, I strongly believe in the benefits of living together before marriage. The first bloke I lived with I would have loved to have married, but a couple of months of trying to manage finances with very divergent values meant that all went down in a screaming heap. I'm just glad we discovered this before the "I dos". The guy I'm with at the moment? No such issues,although I have learned that he can e very grumpy for days at a time and is terrible in the mornings. Again, I learned this before the engagement and have been ale to rationally consider whether I can deal with it. I would never, ever marry before living with someone. But that's just me. Other people may well prefer the mystery and the leap of faith. If you really love this woman, and love her well enough to propose, you may just have to take the chance.

 

However, I don't think the living together problem is the only issue here. The fact she is 30 and not able to stand up to her family, even for you, is more serious. I get how strict and imposing a family can seem, and how difficult it can be to defy them, no matter what thier ethnicity. But think about this carefully. If she always going to put her family before you?

[Mirage222]

Up until 4 days ago I would have told you to move in with him.. nice to see what a person is like before you take the marraige plunge etc.

BUT, after almost 2 years of living with my s/o, he does not want to get married but is happy having me there as the "milk"... If you want a future with him don't move in before there is a solid foundation for a future together .. he may get too comfy and never want to move forward like my guy....

[rk99]

my situation is slightly different to what the last poster has said.

 

I am happy to set a date for the wedding, but want to live together first just so that we can get used to each other, rather than having everything dumped on us at the same time including buying a new place new jobs shared finances. I don't think I am being unreasonable, and think we can be very happy together.

 

We are now so both stressed over this, I want to live together and her parents are raising hell to such an extent that it may sour my relationship with them.

 

I could back down but will now feel cornered and I don't want to become resentful over this. Relationships are hard enough as it is without this additional pressure.

 

I don't think anything will go wrong, but if it does rather before the wedding than after.

[girl_fr0m_mars]

Assuming most people here are from the USA where there's a considerably lower percentage of indian/pakinistani familys,

I don't think you guys understand what Asian familys are like,

you 'listen' to your parents, honour them and usually obey them on such important issues,

in many circumstances the parents would even chose who you marry!

 

perhaps that's more understanding for you guys :-)