Was I wrong?

[ATrain]

Hi Everyone. I hope you guys can help me figure out how to get over my last relationship. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. Since the weekend after we broke up there hasn't been any contact at all between us. We had been together just over a year. During the relationship we spent a lot of time together and I really loved her.....and I also loved the fact of having a girlfriend.

 

During the relationship, as time went on there were things that I learned about her that made me a little uneasy. For example, about 2 months after we started seeing each other she came out and told me that when we first started dating she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend. So for the first month of our relationship she was cheating on him with me. During that time we went out about 4 times and and had the most "amazing" dates ever. When I learned of this situiation I let it go. I think I did this because by then I was madly in love with her and I really thought and felt that she was the one with me.

 

However, there was another situation that really never went away and in the end was the cause of the breakup. Here is the deal. One night, about a month after I started seeing her she came to my place and was very upset.I asked her what was wrong and she told me that an ex-coworker ( she was an intern for this man, we'll call him Scot) had been hitting on her all day via email and phone calls. She told me that at the end of it all he said to her " when you are done with this one ( meaning me) you'll come running back to me". She was upset so I comforted her. I asked her that night if there had ever been anything "physical" between them and she said no......( I later learned that this wasn't true). This happened in March of last year. Fast foward to July now...we were hanging out one night and it was around 10 PM. Her cell phone rang and she acted weird.....she didn't answer the call, she just let it go to voicemail. When I asked who it was she told me it was her stepsister. Well I'm embarassed to say that I actully looked at her phone the next day and in fact it was Scot. So she lied to me!! I confronted her on this and we had a big fight. I asked her to tell him to stop calling and she said that she didn't want to lose the "contact" for work purposes. Keep in mind that they no longer work together. I did not like this but I caved and she agreed to just not return his calls. A few weeks later he called again one night late, like around 11. This really got me angry and we had another fight. This time she agreed to tell him not to call anymore. The next day she called and told me that she took care of it. So all was quiet for a while.

 

Now...a couple months later I was out with some friends and I was introduced to a current co-worker of Scot's as my GF's boyfriend. Well this guy went on and on about how much Scot talked about my GF and how close they were, etc. I didn't repsond I just sat there and listened and was a complete gentleman about it. Well the next day Scot calls my GF and tells her that I told the his co-worker that if I got my hands on Scot I was going to rip his throat out. This was complete 2nd grade BS..I never said anything. Well, when she came home she told me about this and we had another HUGE fight. I told her that I felt that she wasn't completely honest about the nature of their relationship. That's when she admitted that on 2 seperate occasions ( while they were still working together and before me) he had tried to kiss her. This infuriated me!! I told her that I wanted to break up with her for her dishonesty. She cried and begged me not to leave her . She told me that she would take care of it for good this time. Needless to say, I caved once again and trusted her with this.

 

I never really trusted her after this. So a couple months later, I again snooped by hacking into her email. Well when I did I saw that there was an email from Scot and she had responded to it that day. It wasn't anything provocative but she obviously was still talking to this man. I felt like this was disrepectful and confronted her on it. I admitted what I had done and she got angry. 2 weeks later we broke up.

 

I know that snooping was bad and I feel awful about it. However, I just felt that her talking to this guy after he made his intentions known to her was really disrespectful of our Realtionship. Do you guys think that I'm insecure or was I justified in snooping? She just lied over and over again. Please tell me what you guys think.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you did absolutely the right thing. Throughout your entire relationship she continued to lie about this guy. She totally disrespected you. Clearly she has no problems lying to you. By the way, you can guarantee that there was more than just kissing with this guy. She is involved with you and continues to contact this guy. If the roles were reversed I am am sure she would not have put up with such lying and disrespect from you. Clearly she wants both of you. Again if this guy considers her his girlfriend you can bet that they have been physical.

Do not waste time on her anymore. She would hurt you time and again. She has no boundaries and enjoyed having another man to flirt with or more. You don't need to be with a liar and a cheat. You did the right thing! I wish you luck.

[ATrain]

Thanks Bryan...I just really tried to make it work with her. I'm still upset about the whole thing but I know that I would never have been able to live with myself if stayed in this relationship any longer.

[amerikajin]

I think you lucked out, because this girl would have been nothing but more drama. At least you two broke it off before anything happened between Scott and her (well, it would seem that way anyway).

 

I think the first guy in question - her ex - could have been in the 'grey' zone. I only say that because, usually, in the first few dates, a person reserves the right to date others if they so desire. Of course, if that's the case, you also reserve the right to not date her if you feel she isn't taking you very seriously. Point being, the first month or so of dating is when people sort of figure each other out. There aren't that many rules established as yet.

 

But I'd say that once she got her stuff straight with her ex and moved on to you, things should have changed. Instead, she just kept disrespecting you. On another thread I made reference to the fact that a person has to have standards and core values that they truly believe in before they start dating, and they should not compromise them. You should also make sure that you communicate your expectations clearly. It's possible that you had those values but maybe you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and she ended up taking advantage of you. I think you weren't prepared for her games, and she sensed that you were the type of guy who would tolerate her behavior. The arguments, in my opinion, were good - they showed you didn't just roll over. You stood your ground. And as for the snooping...she's just mad 'cause she got exposed. That's her tough s***. Be happy, learn a lesson, and move on to the next girl who will probably treat you a lot better.

[ATrain]

Thanks for your feedback. I think next time if I feel the need to "snoop" I will just get out. One thing I'm going to take from this is to trust my gut on this things. Thanks again!!

[amerikajin]

Always look at someone's behavior and try to be objective about what you see. Don't overreact to minor misunderstandings, and understand that early in a relationship, you have to be somewhat patient, attentive and understanding in the sense that people are different, they have different attitudes about certain things. Rather than being judgmental, the idea in the beginning is to get a sense for whether or not this person jibes with you, and whether you share the same value system.

 

After that, you're looking at character more deeply. You're trying to determine whether what you saw in the first 30 days was real or just a mirage. People will eventually reveal themselves. I think you pretty much followed the same process I would have. You saw something you didn't like initially, but you tried to be open-minded and let things unfold further to see if she was going to continue disrespecting you. Unfortunately, she let you down. And that's another thing - there comes a point when you have to accept that you can't control the other person. If they misbehave, they misbehave. Just make sure you stick to your standards - always.

[Cecelius]

I'm not so sure I think the ex was in the gray area -- she was cheating on him, so you always know that long before you get your walking papers, she's already interview [and tried out] the replacement boyfriend. Just stop and think about it -- you might have been intimately involved with some of the last guy's fairwell gifts.

 

On the co-worker, I agree with the above. Whether she liked the guy or not, she was too permissive. A good woman would have just shut the guy down, flat.

 

yours encouraged it.

 

Get rid of her, before she does something that humiliates you.