How do you prevent your guy from cheating?

[catgirl1927]

While I agree that everyone should try to put 100% into their relationship, I think EVERYONE should do it. I completely and wholly reject the idea that people cheat because "something is missing." They may be unhappy in their relationship because something is missing, but they cheat because they want to. I also disagree that she should kill herself trying to be everything to this guy, and see it as a personal failure if he cheats.

[Sassy]

I'm going against the grain here... I guess because I cheated on my exH I feel qualified to answer this question.

 

I think there are two types of cheaters. Habitual, who see nothing wrong with it. And the ones who made a horrible mistake. I don't want to get into a debate as to the evils of cheating, or people's opinions on how morally corrupt they are.. I'm just going to give a few ways in which you can make your partner happy and satisfied in the relationship so that they won't want to consider someone else.

 

Listen to your partner. When they say they need something then do it. Don't wait for it to go away. If he says he wants more sex, or more exciting sex, then do it. Make it a priority. Just like if your boss were to say he wants something done, you do it if you want to keep your job. If your SO is important to you, then when they ask for something make it a priority for you too.

 

Really listen to your partner. Ask more questions. Be interested in how they think and what they mean, and what they want. People have a tendency to get too comfortable and assume we provide all our partner could ever want in a relationship. That we know our partner, and instead of actively listening we let the problems of our day create excess noise. We don't hear all they are saying, and therefore aren't able to pick up on those wants and desires our partner is trying to express. We become deaf.

 

When you start to notice your partner is less then happy, be proactive. Most everyone just reacts. And reacts negatively. We take insult and injury from our partner distancing themselves. What we should be doing is working on the problem. But I think most have a tendency to wall ourselves in, in order to protect ourselves from hurt. It's kind of like having your boss chew you out if you don't start producing better work. You can chose to take it negatively and continue the same behavior, or take it as constructive critism and work harder at meeting the standards that have been given.

 

Proactive also means initiating conversation on whether their needs are being met. Explaining why you may not have been able to and what you are doing to change that. Keep the communication active. Don't make it your partners total responsibility to work it out. Put effort into it, and communicate that effort. ie. "I set the day aside so that I could do X for you, and when your ready I'll be available." But if you don't communicate this, your partner doesn't know what you are doing. We don't read minds, so let your partner know why you are doing something.

 

Show a strong desire to meet your partners needs. Don't assume you know their needs no matter how long you've been with someone. People change, their needs change. Communicate, be proactive, put effort into resolving any problems. Basically, all the things you need in order to have a healthy, happy relationship.

 

Great post Walk !! Totally agree

[PosterIncognito]

I cheated on my husband, and I'd like to let you know that there are cases where a spouse can be driven to cheat. In my case, we had serious problems that my husband refused to listen to and refused to work on. I was overwhelmed with loneliness, and had become desperate through years of futile efforts to make the marriage more bearable...for me and for both of us. He gave me so many empty promises to change, to take his medication, participate in counseling, read a relationship book, take steps to end his marriage-destroying habits. Years later, he admitted that he had never meant those promises and just made them to shut me up. I am tenacious and compassionate, and I tried to make it work for years.

 

My husband frightened me into not discussing our marriage. Once, he took his hands off the wheel, pounding and screaming, while he was doing 75 mph on the freeway, because of a small remark I made. I was dumbfounded, but later learned that I had unwittingly said something that undercut his paperthin self esteem to the point where HE couldn't hold it together. After the freeway episode, and many others, I was damped down from asking for changes in our marriage. I was scared to leave. I never intended to divorce or be unfaithful, and I thought we would always do our best at making each other satisfied to be married. He stopped treating me with love.

 

The anger and bitterness over my loveless, humiliating, empty marriage just got to be too much. After decades of fidelity, I deliberately looked for and found a lover. It started out lighthearted, but quickly became serious. That affair was the exit route out of my marriage. The day my husband walked out, a cloud of darkness lifted from me. Through all the trauma and turmoil of divorce (which BTW is like a combination of doing your taxes, getting interrogated by the highway patrol, and having an unmedicated colonoscopy, again and again over the course of 1-2 years), as rough as it was, it was still much better than the hell of my marriage!

 

I'm 3 years out and I have to tell you, I am so glad I cheated. That's the truth, although I know I'll catch h*ll for it. And BTW, that is a once per lifetime event, and my bf, whom I adore, knows all about it. Fire away.

[Guest]

I am a 36yo man and I feel I know all about this one because I have failed in being monogamous in every relationship up till the current one which is 4 years old and strong.

I have thought about this long and hard as I have always tried to be faithfull but have paid high prices for being unfaithful.

First off its about the sex. Passionate people, who really love their sex have strong needs that if fulfilled will keep them in a relationship. You need to have an honest, comfortable, unfearing sexual relationship where there is no taboos. If he can express it to you, and live his fantasies with you, why would he ever go somewhere else. Keep it lively, talk the dirty talk and keep him guessing....

Secondly, Do not pry or spy into the other persons life. Nothing will drive him away faster than the feeling of "Well I'm already guilty so I might as well do it anyways." Even if he is trying to be faithful if you start spying on his computer usage or looking around the house for old phone #'s or questioning where he is when he is not around you. You are going to lose your relationship from Your actions.

Do not be jealous, nobody can control what other people do. It is the risk you take by falling in love. Trust is everything in a relationship. Distrust kills.

Nobody Loves their Warden

 

Thirdly we are what we are. Cheaters (like I was) are not cheating because of you. How pretty you are, how good a cook you are or anything like that usually do not have any bearing on why we cheat. We cheat because we are sexually energized by the thrill of exciteing sex. It is not a personal thing about your own inadequacy. We will be equally bored with our "New Toy" after a short time. If you want to keep a cheater be prepared for the sexual ride of your life. Connect with him on his deepest and darkest desires and work on keeping that connection open and WILD.......

 

Lastly I often wonder if alot more people cheat than they say they do. If he or she is honest with you about their past habits and is mature enough to accept their failures and committ an honest relationship to you than things should be O.K.. If they are in denial than they will cheat on you too.

 

Talk to some retirees, they are experts on cheating. I think it happens alot more than is reported. Unfortunately there is very few "Pure" long standing relationships out there.

 

I hope this helps!

[Butterflying]

I am a 36yo man and I feel I know all about this one because I have failed in being monogamous in every relationship up till the current one which is 4 years old and strong.

I have thought about this long and hard as I have always tried to be faithfull but have paid high prices for being unfaithful.

First off its about the sex. Passionate people, who really love their sex have strong needs that if fulfilled will keep them in a relationship. You need to have an honest, comfortable, unfearing sexual relationship where there is no taboos. If he can express it to you, and live his fantasies with you, why would he ever go somewhere else. Keep it lively, talk the dirty talk and keep him guessing....

Secondly, Do not pry or spy into the other persons life. Nothing will drive him away faster than the feeling of "Well I'm already guilty so I might as well do it anyways." Even if he is trying to be faithful if you start spying on his computer usage or looking around the house for old phone #'s or questioning where he is when he is not around you. You are going to lose your relationship from Your actions.

Do not be jealous, nobody can control what other people do. It is the risk you take by falling in love. Trust is everything in a relationship. Distrust kills.

Nobody Loves their Warden

 

Thirdly we are what we are. Cheaters (like I was) are not cheating because of you. How pretty you are, how good a cook you are or anything like that usually do not have any bearing on why we cheat. We cheat because we are sexually energized by the thrill of exciteing sex. It is not a personal thing about your own inadequacy. We will be equally bored with our "New Toy" after a short time. If you want to keep a cheater be prepared for the sexual ride of your life. Connect with him on his deepest and darkest desires and work on keeping that connection open and WILD.......

 

Lastly I often wonder if alot more people cheat than they say they do. If he or she is honest with you about their past habits and is mature enough to accept their failures and committ an honest relationship to you than things should be O.K.. If they are in denial than they will cheat on you too.

 

Talk to some retirees, they are experts on cheating. I think it happens alot more than is reported. Unfortunately there is very few "Pure" long standing relationships out there.

 

I hope this helps!

My last relationship was exactly like this. My XBF and I talked about everything. Sexually, there were no taboos. I even agreed to have a threesome with him. I never spied on him. The relationship ended when one of his females that he was cheating with contacted me after he and I had been dating for 10 months. We spent an extra two months trying to "work past" that situation.

 

THEN, I spied on him (checked his email and cell phone activity) and discovered that he had been cheating on me the entire time we dated. Most of the other women were XGF's. A few were his co-workers.

 

I agree with everyone who posted and said, a cheater will cheat no matter how good, or bad the relationship is. The problem is with the cheaters themselves, not the people they cheat on. I know I'm not perfect. But my XBF never complained to me about anything missing in our relationship. We had a few disagreements on issues, but nothing serious enough to break up over. And cheating is never a good solution to a problem.

 

My XBF was always praising me and telling me that I was the best GF he ever had in his life. He said he wanted to marry me. So I was devestated, and surprised to realize that all that time, he had been cheating on me. What did I ever do to deserve that? Obviously, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

[Sal Paradise]

I'd like to let you know that there are cases where a spouse can be driven to cheat.

 

No one is driven to do anything they don't want to do. Yes your husband was a jerk but that doesn't mean he drove you to it. Nor does it justify cheating (cheating is never justified). You drove yourself to it by not having the courage to walk away from a bad marriage. You don't need an affair to exit a marriage, thats just an excuse to justify your actions. All a person needs to end a bad marriage is a little backbone and the will to end it.

 

You got into the marriage by walking into his life, you exit it by walking out. And when you do it the right way you can hold your head up high. When you do it the wrong way you're lowering yourself down to their level.

[Toni_no12002]

I think in a sense some people are driven to cheat.Maybe theres something wrong in there relationship which they havent sorted out.Lack of communication.

 

On the other hand people just enjoy the thrill of having sex with other people.Then that is there own problem.I dont think there is an excuse for cheating but maybe if people where more open in relationships and talked to each other no one would have to cheat.

 

The cheater and the cheatee will have different views.Its strange but if you notice that the cheater blames it on the other person and the one whos cheated on blames it on them selves.But mostly for different reasons.I dont think its all cheatees fault as in a relationship theres two people.If the cheater had explained the the other person why they was so unhappy in the first place maybe things would have been sorted and no one would have cheated.

 

Theres loads of reasons why people cheat where all different and all have different views and opinions so i dont think you can actually stop anyone from cheating.

Also i dont always think that cheating always has something to do with sex.Maybe the cheater doesnt feel wanted or loved.But again if theyd told the other person that could have been sorted.

[Sal Paradise]

I dont think its all cheatees fault as in a relationship theres two people.

 

I know the PC thing on this board is to say that both share in the fault of an act of infidelity but I disagree....

 

I would agree that the responsibility for problems within a relationship falls on both parties involved. But how one chooses to react to those problems falls completely on the individual.

 

An example...

 

Person A is unhappy in the relationship (for whatever reason). I would agree it is theirs and Person B's responsibility to fix this problem. And both probably share in the blame. But Person B is not responsible for how Person A decides to react to this problem. If Person A decides to react to his/her unhappiness by cheating on Person B, the fault for the act of cheating lies soley on Person A. Person B should share none of that blame.

 

If a husband is unhappy in a relationship and one day completely out of character hits his wife. Would you say both of them share in the blame for the wife being hit? Of course not!!!! Yes both may be to blame for the husband being unhappy but only the husband is responsible for how he CHOSE to react to his unhappiness.

[Toni_no12002]

Yes in some circumstances it isnt there fault but still thats no reason to cheat.They should still dump the person before going with any other people.Yes he shouldnt hit her but she shouldnt cheat because of this.She should dump him!

 

Plus it would cause him to get more angry if he found out and things would get worse.She should help him to get counselling for his problem not sleep with someone else to try to blank out the problem.Doesnt solve anything.Yes it isnt her fault that he hit her, but is it his fault that shes sleeping with other people when it would be just as easy to either dump him or try and get him help?

[Walk]

No one is driven to do anything they don't want to do. Yes your husband was a jerk but that doesn't mean he drove you to it. Nor does it justify cheating (cheating is never justified). You drove yourself to it by not having the courage to walk away from a bad marriage. You don't need an affair to exit a marriage, thats just an excuse to justify your actions. All a person needs to end a bad marriage is a little backbone and the will to end it.

 

You got into the marriage by walking into his life, you exit it by walking out. And when you do it the right way you can hold your head up high. When you do it the wrong way you're lowering yourself down to their level.

I find it odd that the only threads you post on are the ones relating to cheating. Why is that?

 

I've never seen your posts previously, yet you've posted quite a lot. But only when it's in regards to your staunch belief that all cheaters have no excuse and should be thrown in hell for their actions.

 

So, why is this? You've been cheated on a lot by other people? I would really like to understand where this deep seated hatred comes from. Because all I see is someone who's never been in any situation remotely like this, making judgements and accustations. It would help me understand your views on this better if you were to elaborate more on how you came to your point of view.

[Toni_no12002]

Thing is where all human and make mistakes.Ive been cheated on before and ive cheated on someone before so i know what its like at both ends.Sometimes there is a reason for cheating sometimes there isnt.Maybe the person was drunk.It was a mistake.

 

Yes it hurts when someone cheats on you but like ive said where all human and make mistakes.There isnt one person in this world that hasnt done something wrong.Whether it be something big or small.We are all sinners lol

[Sal Paradise]

I find it odd that the only threads you post on are the ones relating to cheating. Why is that?

 

I've never seen your posts previously, yet you've posted quite a lot. But only when it's in regards to your staunch belief that all cheaters have no excuse and should be thrown in hell for their actions.

 

So, why is this? You've been cheated on a lot by other people? I would really like to understand where this deep seated hatred comes from. Because all I see is someone who's never been in any situation remotely like this, making judgements and accustations. It would help me understand your views on this better if you were to elaborate more on how you came to your point of view.

 

 

I've been posting here for almost a year. I've posted in a lot of threads (not all related to infidelity). Yes I've been cheated on before. Most people here have either been cheated on or have cheated (a few have done both). I'm not hateful a person. I just don't surgar coat things.

 

This is the second time you've over reacted to one of my posts in the last week. If you don't like my posts don't read them or ignore them. We all have choices in life.

 

And I've never said anything regarding throwing cheaters in hell. I don't believe in hell. I don't judge their behavior from a religious point of view. You don't need religion to tell you the difference between right and wrong.

[RecordProducer]

I think there's a general huge misunderstanding about the "choice a cheater made" - as you all call it. I've cheated (I'll come back to the reasons why I did it in a minute) and at the time I simply didn't care how my partner felt at the time, just like when you tell someone "you're a jerk!" you don't care how he feels about it, because you think he's a jerk.

 

I think the only boundaries we have for cheating are:

- moral (we don't want to hurt our partner)

- medical (we don't want to risk to get an STD or transmit it to our partner)

- emotional (we love our partner and know that they love us back).

 

If you know that your partner is an ass who doesn't love you, you simply feel no moral obligation to be faithful. Why you stay with them at all? Well because human beings are weak in their nature and can't turn off their hearts and listen to their minds only. Often you want to get out, you sleep with someone else then go back to the one you love, although they may be mean to you.

 

When you love someone, but they don't love you back or they are hurting you, you want to punish them. You feel good the moment you decide to hurt them.

 

On the other hand, when you don't love someone, your heart is open to new love/sexual experiences. You have enough reasons to be with them, but don't want to miss the exciting fun on aside as you're not getting enough of it in the current relationship. The closest form to this is a non-exclusive relationship. You may even feel in your marriage like you're in a non-exclusive relationship if you're not in love with your spouse. Because really, the reason why we're faithful is because we love that person and don't want to hurt them. If we don't love them, we can still cheat and not hurt them if we hide the infidelity well enough. Homo sapience is monogamous only when he or she is in love. Otherwise, we yearn for somebody new, whether we're in a relationship or not. We stay faithful out of love and respect; when there is no love and respect deserved (or earned), there is no a feeling of obligation for faithfulness.

 

So why don't some people cheat on their partners even when they are cheated on and made fools of? I think it's because they simply don't have the desire to.

 

This whole analysis doesn't include serial cheaters who actually enjoy living in lies and hypocrisy. The cheaters I described are not finding satisfaction in their infidelity other than cure or revenge. If you love your SO and they love you and they're not evil to you, there is no excuse for cheating.

 

The reasons why I cheated are:

- they didn't love me one bit, they treated me like sh*t, the relationship was falling apart and was dead in the very root;

- I was totally not in love and wasn't sure about the outcome of the relationship, but I did love the people I cheated with.

[RecordProducer]

No one is driven to do anything they don't want to do. Yes your husband was a jerk but that doesn't mean he drove you to it. Nor does it justify cheating (cheating is never justified). You drove yourself to it by not having the courage to walk away from a bad marriage. You don't need an affair to exit a marriage, thats just an excuse to justify your actions. All a person needs to end a bad marriage is a little backbone and the will to end it.

I got the feeling that people usually miss the main point at this topic: you leave a bad marriage because it's bad for YOU, not because it's more fair to divorce the jerk than to cheat on him. We all have a border of tolerance where "fair" is not in our dictionary anymore - probably because the other party is not being fair?

 

You think it's fair to kill someone who's a serial killer, but not fair to cheat on a serial cheater (not referring to you, Sal P ). There are points in life when we need to do what we need to do and don't care whether it's wrong or right. The thing is, when you start cheating - the relationship is already over. Too bad the other person is not informed on time. And very often it's the cheater who's not informed on time that the love is dead, so they exit through the wrong door.

[Sal Paradise]

I got the feeling that people usually miss the main point at this topic: you leave a bad marriage because it's bad for YOU, not because it's more fair to divorce the jerk than to cheat on him. We all have a border of tolerance where "fair" is not in our dictionary anymore - probably because the other party is not being fair?

 

You think it's fair to kill someone who's a serial killer, but not fair to cheat on a serial cheater (not referring to you, Sal P ). There are points in life when we need to do what we need to do and don't care whether it's wrong or right. The thing is, when you start cheating - the relationship is already over. Too bad the other person is not informed on time. And very often it's the cheater who's not informed on time that the love is dead, so they exit through the wrong door.

 

I don't believe in the death penalty but thats an entire different discussion. And my reasons for not supporting the murder of a murderer is the same reason I don't support cheating on a cheater. It lowers society (or in the case of cheating, the individual) down to the standard of those who committed the crime (or the act of infidelity).

 

I may be old fashioned in this regard but I believe in honesty, integrity and not sacrificing one's principles. I've been in the situation where I was cheated on and thought about getting even. But I didn't and you know why? Because after I had calmed down a bit, I realized I didn't want to sacrifice my beliefs (that cheating which is a form of lying, is wrong) or principles over someone who acted in such a vile dishonest way as my ex. Why lower myself to her already low standards? She, nor her act of betrayl was worth losing my self respect over or sacrificing my principles.

 

All a person has are their principles. And its not about religion or fearing damnation, an eternity in hell or anything like that (personally I'm agnostic). Its about knowing right from wrong. I believe cheating and murder is wrong. And I'm not willing to sacrifice that belief (even for vengence). Which is why I don't support cheating on cheaters, or executing murderers.

[RecordProducer]

Sal, you're a man? This world needs more men like you!

[Walk]

I've been posting here for almost a year. I've posted in a lot of threads (not all related to infidelity). Yes I've been cheated on before. Most people here have either been cheated on or have cheated (a few have done both). I'm not hateful a person. I just don't surgar coat things.

 

This is the second time you've over reacted to one of my posts in the last week. If you don't like my posts don't read them or ignore them. We all have choices in life.

 

And I've never said anything regarding throwing cheaters in hell. I don't believe in hell. I don't judge their behavior from a religious point of view. You don't need religion to tell you the difference between right and wrong.

(this was posted after your recent post explaining what I was asking.)

I hadn't intended for the tone of my post to sound harsh and overreacting. I am honestly interested in why you hold the views you do. Not the views themselves. But the reasoning behind them. Moral, past experience, family upbringing, etc.... I had hoped to understand you better so as not to take your posts as judgemental because I don't understand your view, but would like to.

[Guest]

Why do cheaters.... cheat? That question has been part of my life....Every partner I have had cheated! Why....One ex. explained it... your perfect in all ways (sexually and etc..) but not blond. One married me...than left after short period of marriage...Asked why? He never really loved me (he wanted someone to clean, wash his belongings). To this day I try ever so hard not to hold those hurtful words. When I challenged those ex's "why did you cheat?". All said don't worry. I cheated on them too. Like that is to make me feel better.

 

It hurts terribly when one partner gives all to the relationship in every way. Emontional, Phyiscally and most of all.....

 

Sexually you give what the person desires thinking this will spice up the relationship, thinking this should be fun They want more.... Lesson learned. (It was never what I desired.) Reading those "self-help" books share with your partner what they would like. HMMMmmmm... well that's another topic.

 

A cheater only thinks of himself and/or herself along with what they desire a that very moment. They fanstaize about it. Read about. Go on the internet looking at pictures and porn. Getting their mojo's hot and ready to go. WHY....Because that is what they want. It doesn't really matter what their partner wants. It is all about SEX and their desires!!!

 

When their partner gives their soul and body to their lover. In their heart they feel they are giving all that they can. Being naked with your lover is the most vulnerable state you'll ever be in.

 

So you share what your desires are with your so called lover. Not heard and if heard being accused of....(being like them?) You are only sharing with your partner what you thought as being honest. Than why do cheaters get angry when you talk about what you desire? Answer: That isn't what the cheater wants.

 

When a cheater.... cheats. He becomes quick to anger, accuses you of... and sometimes violent. Why? They feel trapped. Now.. only if they can admit to them selves that they want out of the relationship instead of hurting the people around them.

 

A cheater can be happy by only cheating on themselves.!!! Instead of making their partners just a miserable as they are! Why don't they admit to themselves and leave the relationship.

 

So a cheater can cheat on himself... Then they can feel. Maybe one day they can learn to love others' than themselves.

 

There are people out there who believe in "A Loving Relationship" where the sex is crazy, the emontional is mostly on a high and phyiscally you feel as part of one. Is that so hard to believe? That all three can be part of a healthy relationship instead of "Cheaters" ruining what can be.