6 months today-even with conflicts. None is perfect.

[basscatcher]

1st November 2005, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by padameckla

Mr. Landscaper came into my life when I was ready for him. I have more knowledge and understanding of myself so I can make better choices and decisions without feeling panicy. This is a experience too. Either I will learn and grow from it for something different in my future or I will learn and grow for the rest of my life with him..

 

WTF! So all this goes down in 3 weeks? I mean, like a few wks ago you were talking about 2 or 3 guys who were f*** buddies and all that sheeyot. So in 21 days your whole outlook and philosopy has changed. Come on, who are you kidding here? I know the type of woman you are and you will sick to death of Mr. Lanscaper after a month or two. A leopard cannot change its spots in such a short period of time.

 

I am very wary of people who "see the light" in a matter of 3 weeks and then start saying all the krap you have been over that past few days about Mr. Landscaper.

 

You know as well as I that you'll eventually go back to your old ways. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour 99% of the time

 

Its interesting how ones opinion so strongly can be proven that judgements about another person can be off base.

[Curmudgeon]

Translation, please. I'm not too bright!

[Touche]

Yeah, call me stupid too but I don't get it! Isn't Alpha kind of confirming that in your situation, (as would apply to most of us,) past behavior DOES predict future behavior most of the time?

 

So where and how is he off base in saying this?

[basscatcher]

Alpha was telling me back then that a leopard (meaning me) can't change his spots and if Charlie gave me too much attention like I wanted that I would leave him. I told him I woiuldn't. He said we would break up in two months and we haven't. He mentioned that because I was meeting and dating several guys and I got sexually involved with two men (not at the same time) that only wanted a FWB type relationship that Charlie wouldn't be able to hold onto me.

 

I suspected Alpha figured I was the kind of woman who only enjoys the challenge of the chase and then gets bored if the man became overly affectiounate and attentive because I had ran so much last summer.

I tried to tell him he is wrong but he was so persistent he was right.

 

I know myself and what I like and don't like. I do know what I want in a mate.. Many people don't believe a person when they say they know themselves pretty well and what they want in a partner. I do. I am always learning but I have a pretty good understanding of my bases.

[blind_otter]

This is a bit passive aggressive, dude. Me no likey.

 

What exactly is the point of bringing all this up? Especially in light of the stormy, tumultuous, unsatisfying relationship you've described recently?

 

Some sort of snide remark or not so subtle attack? Give me a break.

[littlekitty]

Forgive me for playing devil's advocate, but haven't you ended up with Charlie... a man who can't give you all the attention and affection you said you wanted. So therefore, you are effectively still chasing Charlie? He's still unattainable to you in the way you want isn't he?

 

I'm not saying Alpha's right in his judgement of you. But I'm not sure your relationship (which has been a hard slog of a 6 months from where I've been standing) proves him wrong either?

 

No offence meant, just a thought. Hope you're doing ok.

[basscatcher]

I was reading back yesterday afternoon and looking at the stages and progression of my relationship with Charlie and reading peoples thoughts about how they percieved the progress.

 

Alpha was the one person who always doubted everything from the beginning and he made judgement calls on me as a person.

 

I made my defense but he still stood by his opinion that I wouldn't last over 2 months with Charlie and I had to laugh when I read that again because with troubles or not Charlie and I have made it 6 months.

 

I just found the humor in it.

I didn't intend to start a fight or cause a huge ruckus over this thread.

I just found it amusing. Maybe I should have added more of the coversation to the post about the interchange of conversation so it made more sense to people who don't remember or weren't involved with the thread at the time.

 

Alpha made some character call judgements back then that I took offense too at that time.

 

I am just chuckling a bit about how strong he made his statements.

Some are very true others are totally wrong..

 

Forgive me if this thread sounded like an attack. I ment it to be more like a statement of clarification..

[blind_otter]

To clarify what, exactly? What did you find amusing? That people, including yourself, make assumptions and mistakes, or have opinions different from yours?

 

I'm right, you're wrong, nanny nanny boo boo?

 

"Some [statements} are very true, others are very wrong" -- um, isn't this true of anyone?

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but this is weird and out of character for you. Alpha showed you a lot of compassion and sympathy, too, in the face of your troubles. So again, what is the point of this? Clarification? To whom? For what?

[blind_otter]

One thing I cannot abide is people who save up s*** to throw back in your face.

 

Gawd I remember my exH did that like habitually. It's why I divorced him.

[basscatcher]

I'm right, you're wrong, nanny nanny boo boo?

Never... It's not about mockery.. It was more reguarding 'I told you who I am; you didn't accept my truth!!"

 

Alpha showed you a lot of compassion and sympathy, too, in the face of your troubles.

 

In the beginning Alpha was critical of me and made it hard for me to feel at ease.

 

Over time he softened towards me and has been sensitive to me with my struggles.

I have very much softened with him and his words as well. Even if I don't accept them or agree with them sometimes.

 

Alpha has grown on me..

 

When reading the past threads and the progression I couldn't help but act a bit 16 again and say 'I told you I am real.. "

 

I hav had to defend myself my whole life because people tend to disbelieve me and then later on find out I am a real and true person. I do know myself quite well and that I know when I speak of myself it is true..

We all know Alpha has some beliefs about how women are that doesn't fit all women.. I am one of them.. His assumptions on me haven't been very accurate about who I am as a person..

 

I found it amusing how sure he was of himself that I would bail on Charlie is 2 months time from his assumption of who I am; which was wrong.

 

We all make wrong judgements of people; myself included, I just didn't feel his attack about who I was as a women back then was called for..

 

I do believe he has come to know me much better and he most likely see's me differently then he did 6 months ago..

 

That I am very grateful for.. I don't hold a axe over his head. I think he is a smart man and has some very good points to offer.

 

As with any of us we need to be careful about drawing assumptions about who someone is, how they think, what they really want, and what they believe. 'We just might get a surprise!"

[Becoming]

This need to be understood is interesting to me. It's something I want, too, to a neurotic degree. It's a result of having been abused and neglected as a child.

 

It may also be one of the reasons why I ended up studying the process of interpretation.

 

Here's what I am coming to put together that I pass on to you, Pada, for whatever it's worth.

 

From my academic studies of interpretation, it is clear that chances for misunderstanding are actually greater than understanding, given the ambiguous nature of language and our unique personal experiences.

 

Because survivors of abuse rarely had anyone even attempt to understand them, though, we idealize understanding and think that's the norm that we somehow missed and now want, no, expect. We require this understanding from the other to such a degree that we persecute those who don't get what we're trying to say to them.

 

What we fail to understand is that any understanding that occurs at all is probably a gift we should appreciate instead of focusing so much on trying to get those who don't get us to understand. (Whew! that's a convoluted sentence. Figure it out and you'll get the prize of understanding:p ).

 

The last couple pages of the How Do You Recover from Abuse thread talks more about this. It'd be good to have your insights there because there are similarities that your situation has spurred us to note in ourselves.

[basscatcher]

This need to be understood is interesting to me. It's something I want, too, to a neurotic degree. It's a result of having been abused and neglected as a child.

 

It may also be one of the reasons why I ended up studying the process of interpretation.

 

Here's what I am coming to put together that I pass on to you, Pada, for whatever it's worth.

 

From my academic studies of interpretation, it is clear that chances for misunderstanding are actually greater than understanding, given the ambiguous nature of language and our unique personal experiences.

 

Because survivors of abuse rarely had anyone even attempt to understand them, though, we idealize understanding and think that's the norm that we somehow missed and now want, no, expect. We require this understanding from the other to such a degree that we persecute those who don't get what we're trying to say to them.

 

What we fail to understand is that any understanding that occurs at all is probably a gift we should appreciate instead of focusing so much on trying to get those who don't get us to understand. (Whew! that's a convoluted sentence. Figure it out and you'll get the prize of understanding:p ).

 

The last couple pages of the How Do You Recover from Abuse thread talks more about this. It'd be good to have your insights there because there are similarities that your situation has spurred us to note in ourselves.

 

I haven't even really looked at that thread because I don't want to go back into my memory of those days. I have been PM'd and asked to join in but I'm not at that stage in my life. I did a bunch of it years ago and I'm not ready to face any more of it. I feel its the past and I understand what it was, why it happened, and I have come to a point where I have learned to forgive those who inflicted the pain and suffereing upon me.

I know there are aspects of my life that are affected by the conditioning the abuse had on me in the manner in which I make decisions and respond to situations. I don't feel at this time those decisions are really damning me or damaging me in a manner that I am not learning lessons from the outcome of those experiences.

 

If one isn't ready to confront areas in their life at a certain time' pushing them will only make matters worse and more hostile in ones self and in their balance. We as victims, addicts and perpitrators have tochose to want to face and challenge ourselves of our faults and choices in life.

 

I'm not ready to face what is still in me at this time.

 

I hope I made sense in explaining my position and myself. I'm not ready to open up that can of worms yet in my life or if I need to again. Thats a area that I am hyper sensitive too and it was one of the hardest parts of life for me.

[nicki]

Thanks Becoming. I am going to check out that thread. I never understand that I was wanting people to understand me, BUT I WAS!! I wanted the validation soooo bad....Now I am beginning to get it.

 

Living with an abusive background requires us to look at ourselves honestly at all times. Rooting out any behavior based on past abuse is mandatory.

 

I prefer to look at it clearly than hide from it, or say I don't feel like dealing with it. If I say that, then I know I'm acting in an unclear way. Pada, it takes courage to look at yourself and know why you do what you do. It is what it is, whether or not we want it to be different.

 

Just the act of really knowing ourselves transforms us into something new.

 

I like knowing what I'm truly dealing with. Thanks Becoming!

[blind_otter]

I haven't even really looked at that thread because I don't want to go back into my memory of those days. I have been PM'd and asked to join in but I'm not at that stage in my life. I did a bunch of it years ago and I'm not ready to face any more of it. I feel its the past and I understand what it was, why it happened, and I have come to a point where I have learned to forgive those who inflicted the pain and suffereing upon me.

I know there are aspects of my life that are affected by the conditioning the abuse had on me in the manner in which I make decisions and respond to situations. I don't feel at this time those decisions are really damning me or damaging me in a manner that I am not learning lessons from the outcome of those experiences.

 

If one isn't ready to confront areas in their life at a certain time' pushing them will only make matters worse and more hostile in ones self and in their balance. We as victims, addicts and perpitrators have tochose to want to face and challenge ourselves of our faults and choices in life.

 

I'm not ready to face what is still in me at this time.

 

I hope I made sense in explaining my position and myself. I'm not ready to open up that can of worms yet in my life or if I need to again. Thats a area that I am hyper sensitive too and it was one of the hardest parts of life for me.

 

 

No offense but if you read the thread you would see that we don't really do that.

 

You know what they say about assuming. We mostly talk about our lives today and how to learn how to cope better.

 

Denial is not a river in egypt.

[basscatcher]

Pada, it takes courage to look at yourself and know why you do what you do. It is what it is, whether or not we want it to be different.

 

Nicki--I do have courage.. I am 37 years old and 3/4 of my life has been with councelors/psychologist/support groups/suggested reading and self-help books.

 

The last 3 therapists told me,"You have the knowledge and skills now, There is nothing more we can offer you now. It's up to you to utilize and practice what you now know."

 

So for me reliving what I already have and seeing a councelor is wasting my money and time. For me to talk and talk and talk and talk about it all is a habit I use to practice. drained all my energy through talking and wouldn't act upon changing my thoughts/actions or beliefs. I was told to stop with my mouth and start working.. I talked it all to death and nothing changed.

 

I have been working for the past 5 years on the stuff. At times I need input and reassurance and I will seek advice for validation..

 

There are things that come up in my life that set me back. I know I will bounce back (I always do.)

 

It took courage when I was young, rebellous and non of my peers were doing anything about their problems to admit I needed help with my life..

I didn't have much of a support system to encourage me to seek help.

I especially didn't have the support of my spouse... With odds against me I had courage to help myself....

[SuperMonk]

I too hate Alpha male. Together we will crush him and rule the galaxy!!!

 

UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!

[basscatcher]

No offense but if you read the thread you would see that we don't really do that.

I took no offense.. Reading others accounts and stories will stir it up in me. I get lost in my own memories when they are stimulated.. I don't think that is what I need to do right now in my life with healing. I've talked it all to death. I need to now incorporate what I've learned and practice changing my thought process and reactiveness.

 

 

Denial is not a river in egypt.

Nice way of putting it.. I don't believe I am in denial..

I don't want to get on a self-piety trip and get caught in the current of my past again. I've been there.. I sought out help for it. I was taught different and now I am working at implementing the changes I need in my life.

 

When I need help with something I am not afraid to ask.

[basscatcher]

I too hate Alpha male. Together we will crush him and rule the galaxy!!!

 

UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!

 

EXCUSE ME??????

I NEVER SAID I HATED HIM!!!

I DON'T HATE HIM NOR DO I DISLIKE HIM.....

 

I just don't always agree with him or his philosophy....

[blind_otter]

I took no offense.. Reading others accounts and stories will stir it up in me. I get lost in my own memories when they are stimulated.. I don't think that is what I need to do right now in my life with healing. I've talked it all to death. I need to now incorporate what I've learned and practice changing my thought process and reactiveness.

 

Ummm...like I said, we don't talk about what happened to us. We talk about our lives as they are today and the challenges we face and we explore how to deal with TODAY better.

 

I don't know why you keep saying "Reading other people's accounts" etc....like I said, we don't really do that.

[basscatcher]

Ummm...like I said, we don't talk about what happened to us. We talk about our lives as they are today and the challenges we face and we explore how to deal with TODAY better.

 

I don't know why you keep saying "Reading other people's accounts" etc....like I said, we don't really do that.

 

I feel I would be compelled to and that would get me on a tangent.

I can already sense the issue knocking at me to open and share and that will go on and on and on. I just don't want to open that door right now.

[whichwayisup]

EXCUSE ME??????

I NEVER SAID I HATED HIM!!!

I DON'T HATE HIM NOR DO I DISLIKE HIM.....

 

I just don't always agree with him or his philosophy....

 

She has actually said in one of her posts that alpha has grown on her. Don't know where you got it in your head that she hates him. HATE is such a strong word SuperMonk. You may have your own issues with alpha, so don't drag others into YOUR own issues with him.

 

Pada, stay strong. I commend you through all this!

 

Have a really FUN weekend! You need it babe!

[Lonestar]

I like Alpha WWIU, what's up girl?

[Outcast]

Alpha has grown on me..

 

They have great cures for growths these days

[RecordProducer]

I don't understand why you exhumed his statement from 5 months ago. He was wrong so why do you care?

[Outcast]

When you're in a relationship that's tanking, you grasp at all the straws you can, including the ones that consist of being a 'nyah nyah' to someone who had doubts at the beginning.