He is upsetting me....

[Jessie61]

There is definitely strength in the recognition of one's own weakness. I know I have a weakness because of my xMM. I know I have a weakness for him. However, I know what his choice is and he chose his W and kids over me. Working in the same office and on the same project team as him definitely hard. I also know that should I terminate my contract at work early, it would be like committing career suicide let alone some potentially huge financial reprecussions. Right now, I don't have much left but my career and have to focus hard on that. I also know that I have to focus hard on my M at home as I have committed myself to working that with my H. I feel horrible as these feelings I have is hindering the process in fixing my M. I care deeply for my H as he is ultimately a good man. Maybe not the best match for me, but he is good to me. I love my H very much for that. That being said, I do get so frustrated at him at times. Lately, its been ok. I don't know if I can handle another argument with him. It can be so draining.

 

I did go to lunch with a group of people for his bday and another colleague's bday. This other colleague, I consider her a good friend so I focused on it being her bday rather than his. But yeah, its hard, people ask him about his W and stuff and I just can't stomach the conversation, but I feel that if people ask me why I am not going, I'd burst into tears not knowing how to explain things. I'm not a weepy kinda gal, but I cry about him a little each day. Weekends are better as I don't see him, I don't see his name on emails, and most importantly, I can't hear him speak. Hearing his voice just reminds me of all the sweet and tender things that he has said to me in the past... its a past that I most definitely have to let go. I guess for me, the scariest thing is that I don't know what the future holds and I don't see that much to it to look forward to.

 

 

Zarathustra,

 

I know that I am weak in the sense that I have not (so far) been able to stick to my NC policy once my (x?)MM has broken it. My problem is that he keeps assuring me that he has chosen me and that his future is with me etc... which I want so badly to believe (and DO believe!), but the implementation is moving very slowly. Yes, small tiny steps but I cannot believe that he will make the jump until he has actually done it... A constant struggle between heart and head. This is what I had to get away from.

 

But you are so strong, you would have to be strong to keep working with him everyday and still being able to keep your life on track! Yes, you say that you don't have much to look forward to but please give yourself a pat on the back for how you are coping! I don't think that I could have done it, if I were in your shoes!!! I would have cracked up completely! Give yourself some credit! These are very difficult times for you and you are still doing OK, right? One of these days you WILL have something to look forward to. In the meantime, try to focus on what you have to do to make yourself feel better. OK?

[zarathustra]

if you can only see my red eyes each day, I think you'll see that I'm not coping so well. My poor cubicle mates probably think I'm going insane or something. I feel so unprofessional that I cry so easily now. I have never cried so much and so long for another man. I think that the difference is that this one meant so much to me that I was willing to sacrifice all my own happiness so that he can be happy. Even now, I keep telling myself each day not to initiate a chat with him because of it not only being good for me for my own healing, but that he needs it to ensure his happiness at home.

 

Thanks Jessie for your words of encouragement. Lunch was hard. I only ate a small portion of my food. xMM helped me ate up the rest of my lunch.

 

You are right, I will need to find time to focus on me. I think I will go to the local yoga school and check out the classes. Take time to meditate and find inner peace.

[Jessie61]

if you can only see my red eyes each day, I think you'll see that I'm not coping so well. My poor cubicle mates probably think I'm going insane or something. I feel so unprofessional that I cry so easily now. I have never cried so much and so long for another man. I think that the difference is that this one meant so much to me that I was willing to sacrifice all my own happiness so that he can be happy. Even now, I keep telling myself each day not to initiate a chat with him because of it not only being good for me for my own healing, but that he needs it to ensure his happiness at home.

 

Thanks Jessie for your words of encouragement. Lunch was hard. I only ate a small portion of my food. xMM helped me ate up the rest of my lunch.

 

You are right, I will need to find time to focus on me. I think I will go to the local yoga school and check out the classes. Take time to meditate and find inner peace.

 

Zarathustra,

 

When I think about your situation, I really feel that I have nothing to complain about. But please don't be hard on yourself; yes, you say that you are not coping well, but you still go into work and do what you're supposed to be doing - albeit with red eyes! You still sat through lunch listening to your xMM and the rest of it without having a nervous breakdown. You still go home and do what has to be done at home etc... Before I "emigrated" I remember days when I went home during lunch and I simply could not bring myself to go back after lunch. I was physically unable because I was so exhausted from the stress of it all.

 

Crying? Yes, but you have to allow yourself to cry. How else are you going to get over this? If you suppress it, you will only become ill. What I try to do now is to look after myself - in fact it is downright pampering! I try to eat - for many months I neither ate or slept - and I eat healthily. I try to get some gentle exercise every day. I listen to music that makes me happy. I make sure I have happy pictures on my screen saver. I avoid people that would get me down. And I try to be kind to myself. Does it work? Yes, most of the time, but it is not easy. I have to convince and remind myself that life is not supposed to be torture and that you are not meant to feel stressed out like a hunted animal. It doesn't have to be like this and you deserve better. Try to be good to yourself. SPOIL yourself!!!

 

Anyway, you always have an ear (or is it EYE???) on this site. I think the people here are absolutely brilliant! You are NOT alone!!!!

[zarathustra]

Again, thanks Jessie. Since I bill by the hour and still have bills to pay, food to put on the table, etc. Going home after lunch has not been a feasible possibility. Though I had 'worked from home' more often than I should have been.

 

I will try to be good to myself. I'm a poster child for anorexia so I have to remind myself to eat. I'm actually recovering from bulemia and anorexia that I suffered at various points in my life. Today, at lunch my xMM told some in the crowd that I'm tough as nails that I was a tough cookie. I think that its his way of telling me that he appreciates me being there on his bday as he indicated that he wanted me to be there. I think he can tell that it is really hard on me and is thankfully keeping his distance.

 

I keep on thinking if I can only relocate to a place that is good to be at (warm and sunny), I'll be better off. But I think that I'd only be running from my problems and demons and not facing up to them.

 

Thank you for all your compliments. Trust me, there are days when I have really dark thoughts, like about how I would welcome death should it be knocking at my door, but I talk myself out of all that stupidness.