He is upsetting me....

[zarathustra]

I disagree with this. She posts here knowing that he will read what she wrote so it's her free will to inform him of her thoughts and feelings. This is a public forum, not her personal mailbox. She can post under another username so I take it she WANTS him to read this. It's a way of communication she maintains with him, because it's hard for her to cut him off completely.

 

Actually, if he wouldn't read her posts, it would only mean that he totally doesn't care. How can you expect from someone to not read what people write about them? It would be actually disrespectful to ignore her feelings.

 

Hey there RP, I just don't get the vibe that she wants him to read her posts. WA also indicated that she was going to change her username so that says to me that he's figured out who she is on LS and is reading her innermost feelings that she is sharing with us... not sharing with him.

 

Since WA has been open about not being the OW anymore and that if he read her posts and validated her feelings, then he would not have contacted her with the sick 'weaning' suggestion. Anyway, this is just how I interpret respect for others.

 

But let's agree to disagree on that one, especially since it appears we both agree that the jerk should leave her alone.

[officespace]

OMG, WA, if your xMM the same as my xMM? He too now conducts all his communication via email or text message now. You know why they do that, don't you???? Because we are dealing with WEAK men who deep down inside KNOW they are being jerks and communicating via email and text message is impersonal. They don't have to face us, just a computer screen. It's just another way that these selfish a**holes avoid the consequences of their actions. They don't want to hear in our voices how hurt and pained we are. I guess that's just no fun (wah, poor babies!) and that's all they are looking for. Sex and fun. They are having the real, full relationship with another woman at home. Why would they want to deal with ups and downs from us, the side dishes? They just want the "up" times. Have you noticed that these cowards disappear during the "down" times? It's sickening. They are just picking thru and taking from us what they want (sex, fun, conversation, support, our love) and leaving the rest for us to deal with (our pain, our feelings of rejection, hurt, frustration, disappointment, our FUTURES!) They are using us (or I should say, WERE using us).

Your xMM is selfish and weak. You deverse so much more. We all do. Stay strong! Oh and let him read your words. Maybe it will scare him off. You're speaking the truth. If he was strong and didn't agree, he would have the guys to post. He's weak, weak, weak......they ALL are.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I wouldn't try to hide from the horny old fart if I were you.

 

Is he stalking and/or harassing you from work?

 

Record the phone calls. Copy all emails with headers (including IP address to identify the computer) and file a harassment charge against him if he continues … either with your supervisors at work or the local law enforcement. Send copies to his wife registered mail (with signature receipt) to insure that only she receives it (hand delivered) so it isn't intercepted.

 

If you really want this pervert to get the message … there are legal ways to put a stop to him permanently without having to resort to tactics reserved for the Witness Protection Program.

 

With any luck --- maybe he'll be reading this.

[scarletletter]

I think he needs his ASS kicked!!!! Period.

[RecordProducer]

Hey there RP, I just don't get the vibe that she wants him to read her posts. WA also indicated that she was going to change her username so that says to me that he's figured out who she is on LS and is reading her innermost feelings that she is sharing with us... not sharing with him.

 

Oh, I perfectly understand the healthy dose of seeking attention from the one you love and wanting him to listen to you without interference.

 

I think the reason why you don't understand her vibe is that she is writing the wrong things for him to read. She kinda puts him on pedestal. He is calling her counting on her weakness and she admits her weakness here. Sounds to me like she wants to stimulate him to call her even more. For someone who wants to cut contact, she's doing a poor job.

[Walking away]

I disagree with this. She posts here knowing that he will read what she wrote so it's her free will to inform him of her thoughts and feelings. This is a public forum, not her personal mailbox. She can post under another username so I take it she WANTS him to read this. It's a way of communication she maintains with him, because it's hard for her to cut him off completely.

 

Actually, if he wouldn't read her posts, it would only mean that he totally doesn't care. How can you expect from someone to not read what people write about them? It would be actually disrespectful to ignore her feelings.

 

MM, if you're really reading this, leave this lady alone if you have a grain of humaneness in your heart. She's hurting and needs to move on. You chose to stay with your wife so let her move on please. You had your cake and ate it; it's time for you to give it up. You can't have full happiness at other people's expense. It makes you a bad person if you do it.

 

 

With all due respect, I just found out YESTERDAY that he has been reading my posts. And, I am insulted that you think this was my way of keeping in contact with him.

[Walking away]

I put him on a pedestal BEFORE I knew that he was reading my posts. I thought that our love was real, and I was sharing my deepest feelings with you people. Not him.

 

You misjudge me. I am doing the best job I can with stopping contact. His phone calls showed up "unavailable" and many people call me in that manner. I certainly can't figure out if it is him or not until I answer the phone. And, frankly, I am truly disturbed that you think this is some sick way of me maintaining contact by posting my thoughts and feelings on this forum for him to read. You don't know me very well. I only feel violated...

[lovernotafighter]

*hugs*

 

WA I understand completely..I'm sure you feel very violated by him reading your thoughts here.

 

do you remember I changed my user name because my original handle was one of e-mail accounts..I Googled it and this place came up..I was horrified!

 

both my H or MM could have seen my posts at anytime...and to be honest I sometimes suspect my MM does..

 

like about what I posted today..well I caved after his numerous messages and mails ..and he told me he was mad at me for missing work and how can I do this...then I wouldn't give him a explanation..but his reaction was so over the top..I can't really believe it was all just me pulling a NC on him since Wednesday till tonight warranted it. (which isn't much at all,I shame me)

 

I had it in the back of my mind he knows more than he leads on..I have to give him some snaps..he is very intelligent,that's his major appeal to me.

 

but if he's reading this he'll always be two steps ahead of me and it would not be fair at all.

 

my heart goes out to WA,I know this sucks big time...do you know how he found out and how did you find out he knew?

[Walking away]

Sadly, I am leaving LS. I truly thank all of you wonderful, kind people who have supported me throughout my trials and tribulations. You were there on my good days and bad days, but I must leave for I feel violated and I cannot be anonymous here any longer. If any of you are able to PM me, I would love to hear from you. For, that is the only posting I will now do on this forum. Privately.

 

Thank you again for your support and kindness. I do see you as my friends. And, I will not forget the strength I derived from all of you.

 

Hugs to you all. You are all awesome.

[Walking away]

LNF,

 

I PMed you.

[lovernotafighter]

LNF,

 

I PMed you.

I just replied

 

I'm sorry you have to leave WA..perhaps ask the administrators of this site to not only change your name but let you start a new account..then you can pm us and only we would know it's you.

when I modded another site it wasn't a problem to help people who asked for it.

but I understand and we are your friends so please do keep in touch okay

[RecordProducer]

With all due respect, I just found out YESTERDAY that he has been reading my posts. And, I am insulted that you think this was my way of keeping in contact with him.

I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean it any insulting way.

Perhaps I should've PMed you with the advice to ignore him instead of feeding his ego with your pain cuz of him. I apologize.

 

Many people who know their lovers read their posts keep posting because it's a way to express yourself without their stupid comments. I've been in that situation myself too and LS remembers the soap opera that took place here.

 

Hang on, girl, you deserve better than a MM. You'll find your soul mate sooner or later. Some guys are the wrong ones, only one is the right one. This one was the wrong one.

[Walking away]

I understand completely.

 

Please feel free to PM me also, Record Producer. I know that you meant no harm to me.

 

Thanks for your apology, though. I appreciate it.

[RecordProducer]

Walking Away... keep walking!

[Jessie61]

He just called me to see how I am. He is staying with his wife. "The timing is wrong..." But, his wife is out of town for a few days and he has e-mailed me several times today. Wants to know if it is easier to "wean ourselves" off of each other or go cold turkey? Why would he do this if he is working on his marriage?

 

WTF?! He still wants me as his mistress, of this I am certain! Even though I have repeatedly told him that it is impossible. I hated being the OW when we WERE together. And, now, it is intolerable to me. The minute his wife leaves, the e-mails start and the phone calls start. What is he doing?

 

Now I am upset and shaking. AND, he reads my posts here on LS. It is like he has read my diary. All of my pain, all of my good days and bad days. He will probably read this too. But, I don't care.

 

And, if he is reading this, I dare him to respond back on this forum. What is going on isn't fair. I would be curious to read what HE is thinking. But, he won't write in. Of this I am certain.

 

Help. I need advice. Badly.

Walkin Away,

 

I am a new member but I have followed your story for a while. I have found you incredible; strong, inspiring and a very very very decent person. I just wanted to write a couple of lines to show you my support.

 

I am also a OW who has been trying to get away from my MM for almost 18 months, but the MM will not let me go. I have dumped him more times than I can say, and each time he has broken the NC with more promises. Sound familiar? I have now given up my job, house and life to go abroad to escape him, but it remains to be seen if I will be left in peace. Fingers crossed!

 

I suspect that I know the pain and upset you have been through and I was absolutely horrified to see that he has been reading your posts, forcing you to effectively leave this site!!!! I hope that you won't go away completely and that you'll stay tuned - even if "behind the scenes". You have been a great support and inspiration to me and no doubt many other OW/OM's, and I am sure that there are loads of people out there who wish you the best. Hang in there, girl!!!

[Sami_D]

I have dumped him more times than I can say, and each time he has broken the NC with more promises. Sound familiar? I have now given up my job, house and life to go abroad to escape him, but it remains to be seen if I will be left in peace. Fingers crossed!

 

You mean you started a new life in another country because MM wouldn't leave you alone? Couldn't you have got a restraining order on him or something? Seems a little extreme.. were you thinking of leaving your home country anyway..?

 

Welcome to the boards, Jessie!

 

And... how are you feeling now? How long has it been since you last had contact with him?

[Walking away]

Walkin Away,

 

I am a new member but I have followed your story for a while. I have found you incredible; strong, inspiring and a very very very decent person. I just wanted to write a couple of lines to show you my support.

 

I am also a OW who has been trying to get away from my MM for almost 18 months, but the MM will not let me go. I have dumped him more times than I can say, and each time he has broken the NC with more promises. Sound familiar? I have now given up my job, house and life to go abroad to escape him, but it remains to be seen if I will be left in peace. Fingers crossed!

 

I suspect that I know the pain and upset you have been through and I was absolutely horrified to see that he has been reading your posts, forcing you to effectively leave this site!!!! I hope that you won't go away completely and that you'll stay tuned - even if "behind the scenes". You have been a great support and inspiration to me and no doubt many other OW/OM's, and I am sure that there are loads of people out there who wish you the best. Hang in there, girl!!!

 

Thank you so much for your support. I still meander through LS from time to time...just being quiet now.

[Jessie61]

Thank you so much for your support. I still meander through LS from time to time...just being quiet now.

 

Good!!!!

[Jessie61]

You mean you started a new life in another country because MM wouldn't leave you alone? Couldn't you have got a restraining order on him or something? Seems a little extreme.. were you thinking of leaving your home country anyway..?

 

Welcome to the boards, Jessie!

 

And... how are you feeling now? How long has it been since you last had contact with him?

 

Thank you for your warm welcome, Sami D!

 

Yes, I did leave my life at home to go away for at least a year. A little extreme? Yes, you are right but I felt that I had no choice. I sometimes joke and say that I would have ended up in a mental asylum OR prison if I had stayed!!!

 

No, a restraining order would not have been an option; nobody knows about this and I don't want anyone to know; I feel that an A that becomes a real and open relationship eventually also becomes romantic somehow (think Prince Charles and Camilla in the UK!!!!), but an A that doesn't, is only seedy.

 

In any event, I cannot blame my MM for everything, I am equally responsible for this mess; yes, he would break our NC every single time, sometimes after 2 days, other times after 6 weeks, but he is not a psycho. Each time he has broken the NC, I have ended up responding to texts and answering phone calls etc. Why? Because I love him dearly and I am utterly convinced that he loves me too. If that translates into him leaving his wife, I don't know, and I am not willling to waste anymore time finding out. Anyway, I realised that if I didn't go, then I would be stuck in this situation forever, and that is something that I cannot accept for myself.

 

Being in another environment has done me a lot of good. There are no memories of him where I am now. I don't feel stuck in the same rut that I was. I feel that I am more in control of my life and somehow it has made me feel more optimistic. I have bad days too, don't get me wrong, but I still feel stronger now than I would have done if I had stayed.

 

When this whole thing has blown over, or when I k-n-o-w that it is safe for me to go back, i.e when I know that he means nothing to me anymore (separated or not), then I will go back to my old life again.

 

Extreme? Yes. But necessary!

[OzGirl]

WA - I only just logged into LS after having not been here for about a week.

 

I feel almost guilty for not being here to show you my support - you've done so much for me lately (you and others), and I've really identified with you, and it's been this sense of solidarity that's really helped me to push myself over that edge ~ you know, that one where you don't live in either hope or with such a sense of abandonment anymore.

 

Listen, he's a complete as@hole for even contacting you. It's SO selfish YET AGAIN of him to think impulsively of what he feels like at any given time, and expecting you to do what his W has obviously done - just fall back into line when old habits return?

 

F*CK HIM. How dare he be so stupid. Not just to you, but to the world. Smart people who spread love and kindness to the world die of unfair incurable illnesses every day. How dare he polute this planet with even more stupid and senseless acts. Oh, man, I know it's delayed from your first post now, but he's REALLY p!ssed me off now!

 

I know this is off-topic, but in the last couple of days, I've had a man I don't know very well contact me on a more-than-once-a-day basis. And, he's single... YAY. Now, no... the passion and adrenalin isn't in me 24/7 like it was with my MM, but reality so far is it feels nice to take it slowly and test that sense of how I matter to him. It's nice - REALLY nice. It's a bit "early" for me to deal with... but, it's happening. Slowly. And, so far, it's taken my mind off the MM - and it's got me intrigued to see where it goes (if at all).

 

Please please please, I'm begging you WA, never lose this strength you've had SO consistantly lately. Being angry and full of rage is okay and normal and another one of those steps towards being right over this for good.

 

The odd thing that has happened to me over time, is, that when my MM first left me - it was a total sense (and in reality) of abandonment. And, the ONLY real thing that's made me lose my connection has been him - the exMM. He has, rather successfully and without much concience, let alone difficulty, been able to make me all but hate him. I really can say my care factor is no longer a raging fire. Now - it's a tiny ember and the fuel is limited.

 

Look at this man. He has no forethought for the consequences of his actions. He feels something for a nano-second, then acts on it, not considering, EVEN though it's been advised to him, crystal clear from you, more than once, how much pain and torture he has managed to cause you. And, he hasn't thought to himself "Hmmm... maybe I should think before I act or speak next time..". Instead, he's thought wife's away, time to play, and you're so desperate/distraught/sad/lonely/depressed you'll just wander back with open arms.

 

What a crock of CRAP. I hope he has read all your posts, and I would NOT feel violated if I was you. I hope he's seen your anguish, honesty, and the massive support you have from all the other people here. I hope he HAS maybe considered what he's done hasn't been smart or right, let alone worth replicating again. I hope he's realised how COMMON he is in how this all worked out - he's not that different to the rest of the MM we know. I hope he realises that any man worth his salt would realise failure's not when you fall down, it's when you fall down and fail to pick yourself up again. I hope in particular now his WIFE reads your posts, too, and asks him how if you and he were "just friends" (or whatever lame story he gave in order to keep her there), why you've managed to suffer so deeply, and why he's repeatedly said things like he misses you? Wife is either stupid or not. Either way, he loses out if she knew the truth and stays, or knows the truth and leaves. I doubt (and this applies for any W) they ever know the whole truth, and nothing but...

 

He fell down, and stayed down. If anything - he's a dumbass. I'm sorry to say this of the man you once loved, and who's love is still a source of torment from time to time. But, he's an idiot.

 

The only thing he's got right is that you can love more than one person in a lifetime, and you will again. Just like his W and you are two people he can't seem to manage together very well, at least you can say to him - I agree. You CAN'T manage two people at one time. You have to manage them separately. He was first, and now he's gone.

 

Next please.

[OzGirl]

20 minutes since my last post and I'm still angry!

 

You deserve more and no one's going to give it to you except yourself. The decision of what your worth is not his to make. It's yours.

 

I know I'm late in replying and you seem to be over his momentary lapse of reason, but the emails to you and now this. Chances are it won't be the last, or second-last, or third-last time he does this to you.

 

Just remember that.

 

He's not stopped to put you first and himself second with the objective in mind to not upset you. He's not smart enough to have learnt the benefits of being a giving person and giving that to you - freedom to move on and not be pulled backwards into this mess.

 

He's not your friend. And, he's not worth the space in your life to even be an enemy. You've handled this situation with so much more integrity than I handled mine.

 

Start re-directing ALL correspondence to his wife by whatever the US version is of certified mail (where she signs for it as the adressee). He'll be living in reality then. I think it's his turn for a change, don't you?

[Jessie61]

OzGirl,

 

I'm Jessie and I am a new member. I have followed you and WA for a little while and you have both inspired me greatly. I am (was?) a OW.

 

I felt exactly the same kind of rage when I read about WA's MM contacting her. It was so incredibly selfish and stupid, I agree. You expressed that rage really well, my version would have been completely un-printable...

 

I am glad that you have met someone SINGLE who might interest you. Give it a chance, try to enjoy it and take one day at a time. You never know...? I am glad that you haven't given up on romance; there are loads of good guys out there too!!! And from what I can gather from your posts, one of them would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend!

[zarathustra]

20 minutes since my last post and I'm still angry!

 

You deserve more and no one's going to give it to you except yourself. The decision of what your worth is not his to make. It's yours.

 

I know I'm late in replying and you seem to be over his momentary lapse of reason, but the emails to you and now this. Chances are it won't be the last, or second-last, or third-last time he does this to you.

 

Just remember that.

 

He's not stopped to put you first and himself second with the objective in mind to not upset you. He's not smart enough to have learnt the benefits of being a giving person and giving that to you - freedom to move on and not be pulled backwards into this mess.

 

He's not your friend. And, he's not worth the space in your life to even be an enemy. You've handled this situation with so much more integrity than I handled mine.

 

Start re-directing ALL correspondence to his wife by whatever the US version is of certified mail (where she signs for it as the adressee). He'll be living in reality then. I think it's his turn for a change, don't you?

Great suggestion, Oz. I was burning with rage when I read what I did from WA. I was so angry at him because not only did he violate her, he took her away from us on this forum. There's something about this group like support that is so healing and therapeutic.

 

Welcome Jessie... Sorry to hear about the great lengths you needed to go in order to get away from you xMM. I think I may have to follow suit. I don't want to, but I miss him. I guess I'm not missing the reality of who he is, but who I thought he was. I just have to remind myself how cruel he was to me. How dispicable his actions were towards me. I need to feel anger. I hope no one will ever feel the kind of pain I feel. I don't even wish it back to him, though he deserves no less.

[Jessie61]

Great suggestion, Oz. I was burning with rage when I read what I did from WA. I was so angry at him because not only did he violate her, he took her away from us on this forum. There's something about this group like support that is so healing and therapeutic.

 

Welcome Jessie... Sorry to hear about the great lengths you needed to go in order to get away from you xMM. I think I may have to follow suit. I don't want to, but I miss him. I guess I'm not missing the reality of who he is, but who I thought he was. I just have to remind myself how cruel he was to me. How dispicable his actions were towards me. I need to feel anger. I hope no one will ever feel the kind of pain I feel. I don't even wish it back to him, though he deserves no less.

 

Hi Zarathustra!

 

Yes, I was also seething with rage when reading WA's post about her MM! I have been there so many times myself and I know how upsetting it is every time the MC is broken; you think you are getting over it and doing quite well, and then it all comes crashing in on top of you and you feel you're being dragged into it again.... So selfish!!!

 

I hope you don't end up having to leave your state/country to get away from your MM. I had to. No, he's not a psycho, far from it. A huge part of me actually believes him when he says he is going to spend the rest of his life with me, but I get frustrated at having to wait so long (it is 2 years now...) I have never felt so stressed and unhappy as I have done in the last year or so, so I had to go. I could not hang around anymore because I know that I would end up stuck in that rut indefinitively, thus making myself ill in the process. I am trying to tell myself that there is a certain strength in knowing that you are weak????

 

What would you do without a sense of humour, eh???

 

How are you doing anyway?

[zarathustra]

Hi Zarathustra!

 

Yes, I was also seething with rage when reading WA's post about her MM! I have been there so many times myself and I know how upsetting it is every time the MC is broken; you think you are getting over it and doing quite well, and then it all comes crashing in on top of you and you feel you're being dragged into it again.... So selfish!!!

 

I hope you don't end up having to leave your state/country to get away from your MM. I had to. No, he's not a psycho, far from it. A huge part of me actually believes him when he says he is going to spend the rest of his life with me, but I get frustrated at having to wait so long (it is 2 years now...) I have never felt so stressed and unhappy as I have done in the last year or so, so I had to go. I could not hang around anymore because I know that I would end up stuck in that rut indefinitively, thus making myself ill in the process. I am trying to tell myself that there is a certain strength in knowing that you are weak????

 

What would you do without a sense of humour, eh???

 

How are you doing anyway?

There is definitely strength in the recognition of one's own weakness. I know I have a weakness because of my xMM. I know I have a weakness for him. However, I know what his choice is and he chose his W and kids over me. Working in the same office and on the same project team as him definitely hard. I also know that should I terminate my contract at work early, it would be like committing career suicide let alone some potentially huge financial reprecussions. Right now, I don't have much left but my career and have to focus hard on that. I also know that I have to focus hard on my M at home as I have committed myself to working that with my H. I feel horrible as these feelings I have is hindering the process in fixing my M. I care deeply for my H as he is ultimately a good man. Maybe not the best match for me, but he is good to me. I love my H very much for that. That being said, I do get so frustrated at him at times. Lately, its been ok. I don't know if I can handle another argument with him. It can be so draining.

 

I did go to lunch with a group of people for his bday and another colleague's bday. This other colleague, I consider her a good friend so I focused on it being her bday rather than his. But yeah, its hard, people ask him about his W and stuff and I just can't stomach the conversation, but I feel that if people ask me why I am not going, I'd burst into tears not knowing how to explain things. I'm not a weepy kinda gal, but I cry about him a little each day. Weekends are better as I don't see him, I don't see his name on emails, and most importantly, I can't hear him speak. Hearing his voice just reminds me of all the sweet and tender things that he has said to me in the past... its a past that I most definitely have to let go. I guess for me, the scariest thing is that I don't know what the future holds and I don't see that much to it to look forward to.