Wife Doesn't Seem Interested in Our Relationship

[Guest]

My wife and I do not communicate like we need to. She is the one that doesn't care to talk because she doesn't want to hear about what's not working in our home or our relationship. We have been married 5 yrs and together for 7. Two daughters, 15 and 3. It seems our priorities, sleeping patterns, parenting decisions, and views on a lot of things are different. I want to work, come home to a semi-clean house (she doesn't work), eat dinner at a decent time, and be a family in the evening. OBTW, I am 11 yrs older (33 & 44). She sleeps in, does whatever she wants during the day, runs around and shops alot (little things most of the time but it adds up), we eat out a lot, and she likes to hang out outside in the evening and talk to our teenage daughter's friends and the neighbors.

 

I'm not saying she doesn't work; she trys to work around taking care of the little one. She is able to spend what she wants and doesn't want to hear that the checkbook is low. I sometimes struggle to keep the money in the bank to cover everything. I am getting tired of doing everything to make sure her life is comfortable and sometimes feel like I am just working so she can do what she wants. I don't spend much on myself besides lunches at work, gas in the cars, and pay the bills. We both have nice cars and a nice home. Nobody is doing without, but then again I feel I am sacraficing in other ways like- alone time, sex, communication, respect, to be listened to, etc. I am losing my patience and I still can't tell her how I feel because I know it will immediately turn into a big argument, she will get real hateful with me and say a bunch of things I would rather not hear. She doesn't say she's sorry later so I don't know how much of the things she said out of anger and how much was how she really feels. I try to ask later but she doesn't want to talk about it and the cycle repeats. Things don't get resolved. The kids have no boundaries, no bedtime, and I am the only one trying to change things. The teen thinks I'm too strict because I have rules I would like followed (but I'm losing the battle). She wont even clean her room when I ask because her mom doesn't make her. Advice?

[silktricks]

Would the two of you be interested in marriage counselling? It sounds like you've got a LOT of issues to deal with, but the first and most important one is communication. A lot of times marriage counselling can help with that.

[lostinme]

You feel like you are just a paycheck, right???

 

I did that to my husband, I didnt work (outside the house) and I took him for granted. I neglacted the housework, and went shopping too. It wasnt untill I found out my husband was having an EA that I decided to shape up.

Understand, we get lost, we forget who we are. I felt like I was just a maid (so I stopped cleaning) and I have to say I shopped because it made me feel better.

My husband tried to talk to me about it. I said I would do better, and I did, for a week or two.

If my husband had come to me and told me that he was attracted to someone else, and was thinking of having an affair because of my slack, and emotional distance, I would have perked right up.

I know that may not be the same case for you, but I have been where your wife is. We are truely lost in being a wife, mom, housekeeper, cook, dry cleaner, and taxi driver. I felt like that was all I was.

Honestly, are you showing your wife affection and attention? Maybe flowers now and then to show apperiation?

Maybe I am off cue, but any input I can offer, I will.

[SoleMate]

Please get two copies of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and ask your wife to read at the same time you do.

 

...I still can't tell her how I feel because I know it will immediately turn into a big argument, she will get real hateful with me and say a bunch of things I would rather not hear. She doesn't say she's sorry later so I don't know how much of the things she said out of anger and how much was how she really feels...

 

I have to warn you about the danger of this type of reasoning. You are allowing your fears to block communication with your spouse. I understand that she may have a very negative reaction (arguing, criticism), and that it can be quite painful. Nevertheless, this communication is essential to the health of your marriage. You're going to just have to pull yourself together, counsel yourself into a philosophical stance, be ready to let a lot of it roll off of you, and talk to her. Also listen to her.

 

She is the one that doesn't care to talk because she doesn't want to hear about what's not working in our home or our relationship.

Perhaps. Couldn't the same also be said of you?

 

Also...if her "real feelings" are of hatred and scorn (I doubt they are), wouldn't you rather know it ASAP?

 

Please check out the book.