The end the world (as I know it)

[ICS]

I haven't been on LS for a while, and alot has happened since then. I found out my girlfriend is mentally ill (extreme case), I am failing school, and I feel as though I am not good for anything.

 

Some of you may remember that I posted about my girlfriend a while ago, and everyone has told me to leave the relationship. I did, but two weeks ago, I was tempted back into it.. oh the surprises of life. There's no denying that she has a severe case of borderline personality disorder, but I know that my feelings for her are true, and that I really do love her. I bought books to help me understand her psychiatric disorder better, how to cope with it, and what I can do to make her get better. The books were a real source of inspiration to me, and I felt alive again to take on all the problems with our relationship.

 

Then Sunday came. What happened Sunday you ask? She asked me to pick her up from her sister's house about an hour away. I was tired but I wanted the evening to be special and I wanted to make her happy, so I told her I would gladly give her a lift back home. From the minute I stepped out of my car to the minute I left her sister's house, she spoke less than 5 sentences to me. I had no idea what happened, but I kept feeling isolated, and ignored from her and her sister. As we were about to leave, I kindly asked for her help with directions, since I have never been to that part of town before. She assured me with confidence that she knew the way back, and off we went. Only three minutes later, we got lost and she told me that she didnt know the directions after all. As all this was happening, she was chewing gum and looking out the window, avoiding talking to me.. I felt very uncomfortable. Despite all that, I asked her to help me with the directions, and she told me that she doesn't know them. I suggested that she call her sister, and she was very reluctant to do so, but finally she did- after 30 minutes of needless wandering. Having driven back to her sister's house and gotten directions, she was more weird than ever, and now almost completely ignoring me, and talking in a tone that made me felt uncomfortable. Finally I asked her about what happened tonight and questioned her behaviour. She told me I was ridiculous and that I had no right of getting upset at her. From then on till I dropped her off home, not a word was spoken between us, and I could feel no love from her at all. After dropping her off and leaving, I felt that the argument was needless, because after all, I don't want the night to end this way, and I was worried for how it affected her mentally. Quickly, I rushed back to her house and tried to find her, but even 15 minutes later, there was no answer on her phone, and there was no answer for her doorbell. However, I was certain that she was home, as her clothes and shoes and keys were all visible through the door. I panicked thinking that she might have tried to commit suicide again. I began knocking on her door, pacing around, calling her, sending her text messages, but all was in vain. What's next?

 

The cops drove by, and they parked right beside her driveway where I was standing. She called the police on me. They wanted my story and then filed a report for what happened. Next they rang the bell and she answered the door to let them in. I could not believe what happened. I was in total shock. The cops told me she wanted me to leave and that I was causing a scene, threatening to take me away in their car when I told them my concerns for her safety becaue of her past history with attempted suicide.

 

That was it. I did not hear from her anymore, and still I could not beleive what happened that night. Even after four years of relationship with her, she would do such a thing. I could not understand why she did not call me to speak to me before taking such drastic actions. I could not understand why she would think about getting the police involved either. But anyway I looked at it, I felt completely betrayed, by the one person in the world whom I shared everything with, whom I loved and thought loved me back the same.

 

When I tell people this story now, some tell me it's funny, others feel sorry for me, and yet others have nothing to say. My life is in complete disarray and I cannot look up to see the light anymore.

 

Aside that, school has been very bad for me too. This year would be my third year of university, yet I am still taking my second year courses because I have switched programs in the past due to my incapabilities. Just a year after switching, I am faced with the exact same problem again, but this time, it involves me failing more than half my courses. Worse yet, I could not find myself after what happened this week. I do not feel that there is any meaning to many things in life now, and I definitely cannot save myself from my failure and impending suspension from school. Suspension aside, I have doubts of my capabilities in my current program (another engineering program), and day after day, I feel like I am wasting my life and time and energy trying to do something I (think) I like but without the necessary skills and right state of mind to do so.

 

I am so confused, hurt, dissapointed, and heartbroken.. I wish someone could help me or point me in the right direction.

[Craig]

Acceptance.

 

Accept that she is mentally ill and will never change except to maybe get worse.

 

Accept your position in school and figure a way around it with the help of a counselor or change programs to something you believe you can do but that might be a bit easier. If you made it into engineering you already have the capability to do it. Sometimes in learning you reach a plateau where no matter how hard you try you can't seem to learn. That could be the case here. Keep working at it, eat good food, are you getting enough sleep?? If you stick to it you may be able to pull a rabbit out of a hat and save your education.

[sam_urai]

THis may sound drastic , especially as u apperently shared so much with this girl and devoted a lot of emotions to her. But in your current situation you put your future at risk. Think about this as often as you can. If you don't get your act together and get your university going, you will jeopardize ( is that spelled wrong ? ) your whole existence

 

Let go. It would always help me to get over past relationships by thinking of all the flaws the girl had and all the things she did I didn't approve and so on.

Helps you to transform your sadness and frustration into anger. And eventually it turns your love into hate which is the best way to keep you from getting involved with her again

[CaliGuy]

Run, my friend. I know you love her, but you can not fix her.

 

I agree with Craig. Accept that she's not mentally fit to be in a relationship with you and let her go.

 

It's the only thing you can do at this point.

[tinktronik]

I have a close freind that was involved with a woman with BPD ( my mother is also one) . After reading up and scouring the internet as well as speaking with doctors , social workers , family members , and staff at mental hospitals along with my friend that felt he had to stay . They all said the same thing " Run Away , as fast as you can ." Very sad but true, my friends wife was a danger to those around her as are many people with BPD . You wanted to be pointed in the right direction , this is it. It may not be what you wanted to hear, I'm sorry, but this is your right dircection.

[whichwayisup]

You did nothing wrong. She is mentally ill, so don't try to figure out what she did and why.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is consider some one on one therapy because what she's done to you has caused some damage, has given you doubt and made you feel awful. It's okay to seek therapy if you feel you need it. Personally, I think it will help give you closure and the understanding that no matter what you did to make things good, something like this outcome would have happened anyway.

 

Her sister KNOWS what is going on, so does the rest of her family. They probably are in denial about it all and your (ex) girlfriend probably has told them she's fine. We all know she is not fine.

 

Keep posting and please consider talking to a professional about this.

[ICS]

Leaving the relationship isn't easy for me, but I have to agree with what everyone has been telling me. Without her in my life though, I have been desperately looking for more people to talk to. Before the relationship ended, much of my time was spent on her, and my social circle has been relatively small, with close friends far away pursuing their university education and forming new friendships with new people.

 

In fact, I have found it so difficult that I have signed up for dating sites to meet new people- I just can't think of a better way. I know I am not ready for a new relationship right now, but I feel so lonely and at such a depressive stage of my life right now.

[kypepeo]

I think first of all you need to find yourself. You need to know who you are, what you want out of life and then maybe you can pursue that instead of doing courses that are making you miserable. Ife you discover that engineering is really it, then buckle down and get to it no matter what, no quitting (I know that's easier said than done)

 

About your girlfriend, I have a friend who's mentally ill and dealing with her sometimes is a trial. I can't imagine what it would be like if she was my closest friend and confidant. I have to stick by her though and I suggest you do so for your girlfriend but you two don't have to be in a relationship now. You can be just a friend. The relationship is obviously killing you. It's important not to leave her in her time of need, especially seeing as you've been together for 4 years but you can't be there for her if it takes so much out of you. Create the distance necessary to keep your sanity and take it from there. again, that's easier said than done but you can do it.

[SuperMonk]

blahblahblah, i sit on my ass for an entire week not working out, moping that someone doesn't like me. blahblahblah

 

if i was a warlord advisor in the medieval times, i'd vanquish you. only the strong survive!!!

[whichwayisup]

blahblahblah, i sit on my ass for an entire week not working out, moping that someone doesn't like me. blahblahblah

 

if i was a warlord advisor in the medieval times, i'd vanquish you. only the strong survive!!!

 

You're NOT helping once again. STOP posting s***ty replies on threads when the posters need help and support. As I said on another thread, tough love is tough love but YOU are disrespectful and being a jerk. If you can't offer up advice with some sympathy or even empathy, don't bother posting a reply.

[ICS]

Thanks whichwayisup, supermonk's comment was the strangest I've seen yet, but then again I've found that most of his posts are pretty negative. They say that only the people who feel strongly about a topic are the ones who will pitch their opinnions in, a bit of an enigma we have here...

 

Well, here's an update on how things have gone in the past few days.

The night of the incident, I made a vow to myself to never talk to her again, there's just no other way, and a choice has to be made. For the past four years that I have been together with her, my life has been in much of a limbo, and I've seen some of the worst problems in my life. There was a point when love life, school life, and family life were at an all time low, and I doubt things will ever get better with her in my life.

 

But yesterday.. yesterday I really began missing her. My email inbox has been empty for days, and for the past week, I have expected some sort of explantion from her. It puzzles me to this day why she never gave me closure. I have erased her phone number and MSN contact to stop myself from plunging right back into trouble again. That was until yesterday when I decided to use an MSN block checker and check to see if she has blocked or deleted me. She has done neither, and she was online as usual. Since then I have checked for her online status every so often. Not that I want to initiate contact, but in an eccentric way, it made me feel more comfortable, but never stopped to question why.

 

Problems just seem to pile up, and I am still struggling in school as well. I have no idea if my incompetence is due to my restless mind (with the recent incident), or if it is due to my genuine incompatibility with engineering.. math..and such. Although whenever I think about it, I am uncertain as to what my interests are besides from cars (which would coincide with my current mechanical engineering studies). In the past I have switched from electrical engineering to this, which had set me back a year. Electrical engineering was chosen because my father used to be in the same field, but I guess it wasn't for me. I am afraid of making the wrong choices, they will surely cost me dearly in both time, money, self-confidence, and happiness. Maybe I don't know myself well enough. When I look at different programs, I say to myself: "Hey, that could be me, I could really enjoy doing something like that", but in the end, my interests are so diverse that it's hard to make an informed choice. Interests aside, my abilities for all the programs I've given a good look at are probably average. I feel like I am wasting my life everyday. I am in a situation now where I will likely be suspended from school for a year, but I can't let myself fail, yet for reasons that I cannot pinpoint accurately, I have no ability to save myself (or maybe I have gotten to the point where I no longer want to).