Can former lovers be friends..Really

[Julia]

I dated someone for two years and to say the least it

 

left me hurt and angry.

 

I knew him years before we started dating and always had

 

a great deal of respect and admiration for him (Then)

 

Well..I won't get into specifics but needless to say

 

he isn't the person I thought he was. He is still

 

someone I care about it but I have many resentments I

 

am slowly trying to let go of because I know it's not

 

healthy for me to hold on to them. So I guess I can forgive

 

the hurt he caused though not forget.

 

Anyway, it's been six months and he has another girlfriend.

 

I have made the choice to remain on my own for awhile.

 

I wasn't ready to jump into something else and do quite well

 

on my own actually.

 

He wants to be my friend. Which I would like as well, in theory, but he says he is very attracted to me and acts in a very flirtatous way. I've had to remind him several times about his girlfriend..and he always says..sorry for crossing the line. Well..you know..I'm still getting over

 

him in a sense..I've come a long way, a long long way.

 

But it was a two year relationship and I could see myself

 

getting drawn in again only to be hurt and I just can't

 

feel that pain again.

 

Do you think we can be friends or should old lovers

 

keep their distance?

[clia]

I think exes can be friends, but IF AND ONLY IF both of you are COMPLETELY over each other. I'm great friends with one of my exes--we dated for two years, and broke up three years ago. Then again, we broke up because we decided we'd be better off as friends (i.e. lack of chemistry), so maybe my situation is different. If he has already commented about crossing the line, then he's not over you, and it sounds like you aren't over him yet either. Ask yourself this: if you were to meet his girlfriend, how would you act around her? Would you be nice and friendly, or would you secretly be seething and comparing yourself to her, maybe be a little bit of a b**** to her, try to find her flaws so you can point them out to him later, etc.? If that's how you would be, you are not ready to be friends. Give it a year or two.

I dated someone for two years and to say the least it left me hurt and angry. I knew him years before we started dating and always had a great deal of respect and admiration for him (Then) Well..I won't get into specifics but needless to say he isn't the person I thought he was. He is still someone I care about it but I have many resentments I am slowly trying to let go of because I know it's not healthy for me to hold on to them. So I guess I can forgive the hurt he caused though not forget. Anyway, it's been six months and he has another girlfriend. I have made the choice to remain on my own for awhile. I wasn't ready to jump into something else and do quite well on my own actually. He wants to be my friend. Which I would like as well, in theory, but he says he is very attracted to me and acts in a very flirtatous way. I've had to remind him several times about his girlfriend..and he always says..sorry for crossing the line. Well..you know..I'm still getting over him in a sense..I've come a long way, a long long way. But it was a two year relationship and I could see myself getting drawn in again only to be hurt and I just can't feel that pain again. Do you think we can be friends or should old lovers keep their distance?

[midori]

Do you think we can be friends or should

old lovers keep their distance?

I think that old lovers should keep their distance until both parties are absolutely, unequivocally certain that that friendship is ALL they want from each other. That may never happen, even if both parties move on and are happily with other people. If so, that's OK, they needn't be enemies, but to pretend that they're just friends -- even if "nothing ever happens" -- is dishonest. Something is happening when there are undercurrents of desire or of unspoken feeling. Sometimes people find themselves having to contend with such undercurrents with someone they know, someone who is in their life for one unavoidable reason or another -- such is life. But to cultivate and maintain a "friendship" knowing from the start that such undercurrents are there is deceptive and foolish. You don't want that kind of falsehood in your life even if you're not involved with another person.

 

Be very careful with your ex. He sounds like someone who has a hard time respecting the boundaries that must exist in his relationships. The biggest problem as far as you're concerned is that he's sending you mixed signals about being attracted to you -- which is not helpful to your moving on process. It's not respectful of you -- why would he want to put a friend's emotional well-being at risk? If he really does still have strong romantic feelings for you, he should break up with his new girl and try to get back together with you. If he's not prepared to do that, he has no business hinting, implying or in any way suggesting that he'd like to be more than your friend. When he does that, he's not being your friend. He's being, at best, weak and foolish. He might also be feeding his ego on the knowledge that you're still in his orbit, that you still want him and need him.

 

Then there's the betrayal of his new girlfriend that is inherent in his flirtation with you. You might not like her, but do you really want to participate in behavior so clearly lacking in integrity and honesty? It's just not right.

 

But even if your ex wasn't flirting with you and suggesting that there could be more between you than just friendship, you don't sound like you're ready to be his friend -- are you? Do you wish him well with his new girl . . . or do you hope he'll come back to you one day? There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're not over your ex. I do think that it's wrong to pretend to be someone's friend when you really want more, especially if that person is in a relationship with someone else. What kind of friend could you be to him? How would you prevent your secret agenda from slipping into your interaction with him -- subtle criticisms of his girlfriend, whatever form it takes?

 

And more importantly, how would being his friend right now help you to move on and find someone else, someone better for you?

 

I have just gone through a very similar situation, so I can really sympathize with the confusion and loss you must be feeling right now. But when hurt and resentment are involved in a break-up (which I think is the rule rather than the exception), true friendship following immediately is implausible. That's not an indictment of you or your boyfriend (though he doesn't seem to be behaving himself right now), nor even of your former relationship. It's simply that the two of you have to reconfigure your lives so that the gaps left by the demise of your relationship are filled by other things, other people. That will not happen if you are still oriented toward him (and he toward you).

[Tony T]

The friendship has certainly been strained as it usually is in these situations if the parties aren't extremely mature about breaking up the relationship.

 

I don't think you can have a quality friendship now...and maybe not ever. You said yourself you learned things about him and he isn't the person you thought he was. So there, that says a lot.

 

Maybe in the future you can be buddies. But since the admiration and respect that once existed is no longer there, I think this whole thing is a matter of habit rather than a sincere desire to be friends.

 

At this point, his flirtatiousness is a matter of disrespect and lack of respect for you and your feelings. I don't think I'd want somebody like that for a friend.

 

Perhaps you ought to just forget all this and don't date friends anymore unless both of you can be very, very mature about it.

[Miss Mojo]

hi julia,

 

at this point in time, this guy is going to do you a lot more harm than good. as a matter of fact, he won't be doing you any good at all.

 

he has made a conscious decision to be with someone else, but he still flirts with you. that is highly unfair when you guys have a lot of history together. you may have been friends BEFORE you started dating him, but everything changed the minute you STARTED dating him.

 

in theory it would be great to be friends, but you have shared a lot more than friendship with him. it is not that easy to let go of the feelings you share with a person in a relationship and then go back to a friendship. to be friends again doesn't help you get over him properly. his actions are leading you on in a sense. he has no excuse to not know better.

 

i don't know if you have a slight hope of getting back with this guy, but if that thought has crossed your mind, then you might want to seriously re-evaluate those thoughts. firstly, he has apparently moved on. secondly, he has asked for a friendship, not to get back with you.

 

personally, not seeing him for a while would be the much better option in this situation. he is being unfair to you by flirting with you and you will not move on properly if he doesn't stop playing these games with you.

 

i have always found that cutting all ties with an ex helps me really deal with breaking up with them. i don't have to look at their face or hear their voice and pine for them. this hurt and anger you felt will only rear it's ugly head if you continue to have contact with him.

 

when you have well and truly moved on from this guy, then maybe then it wouldn't hurt to contact him as a friend. but in the meantime, i suggest cutting all ties with him for your own emotional wellbeing. it may seem hard to do, but it's not half as hard as trying to be "friends" with a person who was once your lover and who you are not over yet.

 

best wishes

[Julia- the real one....]

is it possible that u can use another nickname, as ive been posting under this nick....thanks

[LoveShack.org]

I think a lot of people who don't come here often are not aware of the nicknames of the regular visitors and don't think about scrolling down to look.

 

In the new loveshack message board, which is due to go online soon, this won't be a problem since one-time registration will be required.

[Ex Julia - Julie to be if thats okay with you]

To the real Julia,

 

Well ive always used my name in the past. I check out this site when i get the chance. i havent been here for ages though. How many are there? I'll become Julie the real Julie and i hope noone will want that name too!

is it possible that u can use another nickname, as ive been posting under this nick....thanks

 

[Julie]

To the real Julia, Well ive always used my name in the past. I check out this site when i get the chance. i havent been here for ages though. How many are there? I'll become Julie the real Julie and i hope noone will want that name too!