Why do they get jealous?

[edisoonmed]

Why does my wife get jealous if i have friends that are

gals, Yet she has friends that are guys, but it's O.K.

 

does that make any sense?

 

Her complaint is, What If They Start falling for you,

i'll be jealous of them. OR, if i have a gal friend who

can do something talented that my Wife can't, like singing

or sports or whatever, my wife hates her.

 

ugh.

[SmoochieFace]

Why does my wife get jealous if i have friends that are

gals, Yet she has friends that are guys, but it's O.K.

 

does that make any sense?

 

Her complaint is, What If They Start falling for you,

i'll be jealous of them. OR, if i have a gal friend who

can do something talented that my Wife can't, like singing

or sports or whatever, my wife hates her.

 

ugh.

 

Could be a myriad of reasons but I'd say insecurity and low self esteem probably make the top two.

[edisoonmed]

which my wife suffers from both of...Low Self Esteem mainly.

 

She doesn't talk and/or hang out with guy friends much, but

she has them, but i'm not jealous or worried about it.

 

I don't have tons of gal friends, but i have some, but if i

wanted to hang out with one, or work on a music project

with a female, forget about it...My wife would be soooo

jealous. even though NOTHING would be going on, nor

would i allow anything to happen..

[catgirl1927]

So if your wife suddenly started hanging out with one guy friend alone all the time, you'd be totally ok with it?

 

She's insecure, I recognize her behavior because I do that too.

[NTB]

IMO it is more of a double standard

[edisoonmed]

if her friend from school, who she's been talking to

again recently, came out to visit and she wanted to

go have lunch with him, i'd be fine with it, Yes.

i trust her. I know she trusts me, she just has these

overwhelming feelings of jealousy sometimes, where i

can't even mention another girl's name (say like, a friend

of mine) without her getting kinda quiet. Her mood changes

which doesn't happen if i talk about guy buddies.

[catgirl1927]

Yeah. I try really, really hard not to do that to my BF. It hurts his feelings when I get jealous or suspicious because he feels like I'm saying I don't trust him or he doesn't love me. I always keep an ear to the ground, though. I know how she feels, bless her heart. That doesn't really help you, though, does it?

[edisoonmed]

well i'll tell ya, it at least kinda gives me more

of an understanding of the whole thing, when i see

how you and my wife are similar.

 

I just wish i could help her understand that she can trust me.

cuz yeah, it kinda makes me feel like she doesn't trust me,

when she totally can.

 

it is kinda double standard-ish. because although this guy pal

from grade school she's been talking to again is married himself,

i remember that this is the guy who used to have a big crush on

her back then. She told me once, but i don't think she remembers

telling me...she mentioned she didn't like him back though, but

regardless, she married me and she loves me, so i trust her.

[edisoonmed]

What do you think?

 

You think if i have a sit down and convince

my wife that she has NOTHING to worry about

and that she shouldn't worry so much, that

that should be okay? or am i being insensitive?

 

Cuz basically, thi whole post arose out of my

frustration over the fact that I working on a

music project for a buddy of mine who has a

theatre company...I want to ask my friend Julie

to sing on it and work with her on some tunes, but

i'm afraid my wife is going to give me grief, and hey

she has a right to be jealous i suppose, since i'd be

working with this other woman, but it's all a

"creative relationship" regarding my profession.

 

anyway, i just don't want to be unfair towards my

wife, i love her, but i also don't want to keep myself

from other musical ventures, just because my wife has

a prob with me working with or around other girls

[MadDog]

if i have a gal friend who

can do something talented that my Wife can't, like singing

or sports or whatever, my wife hates her.

 

I thought you were about to say something else & it wasn't singing or sports. Well, maybe related to sports.

[blind_otter]

What do you think?

 

You think if i have a sit down and convince

my wife that she has NOTHING to worry about

and that she shouldn't worry so much, that

that should be okay? or am i being insensitive?

 

Cuz basically, thi whole post arose out of my

frustration over the fact that I working on a

music project for a buddy of mine who has a

theatre company...I want to ask my friend Julie

to sing on it and work with her on some tunes, but

i'm afraid my wife is going to give me grief, and hey

she has a right to be jealous i suppose, since i'd be

working with this other woman, but it's all a

"creative relationship" regarding my profession.

 

anyway, i just don't want to be unfair towards my

wife, i love her, but i also don't want to keep myself

from other musical ventures, just because my wife has

a prob with me working with or around other girls

 

 

It's something that she needs to deal with. If she feels better about herself and more confident, then my guess is she wouldn't be as jealous.

[MadDog]

anyway, i just don't want to be unfair towards my

wife, i love her, but i also don't want to keep myself

from other musical ventures, just because my wife has

a prob with me working with or around other girls

 

If your wife wanted a guy who didn't work with girls, she shouldn't have gotten with you. She should have married a lumberjack or someone. I hear they don't work with many girls. Tell her that & see what she says.

[catgirl1927]

You can tell her all day there is nothing to worry about. It won't make a difference. Just try not to have sex with Julie. I have bad experiences with girls of that name. I get dumped for them all the time.

[MadDog]

You can tell her all day there is nothing to worry about. It won't make a difference. Just try not to have sex with Julie. I have bad experiences with girls of that name. I get dumped for them all the time.

 

My first girlfriend in the 4th grade was named Julie! She was awesome. Julie is a great name.

[misrisan]

I too am a jealous girl who's man is in da music biz. I'm not jealous of groupies or girls he collaborates with on songs. I'm just jealous of one girl....da one he admitted lusting for back in the days.

 

He feels hurt for not letting go, but I do trust he wouldn't do anything with her...I jsut wish she would forget about him.

 

Maybe your wife is jealous becuz u

commented about this woman before, or have u cheated on your wife when you were dating?

Did you guys get married mutually or were u marrying her because you felt you had to? Maybe something happened and to you it was no big deal, but she thought it was. Maybe if renew your vows with her...or write her a song. It's hard 2 say why she's jealous without knowing when she started acting like that.

[Guest]

at the riskof being modded or at the very least branded as being annoying, let me repost something I wrote last night about this very same topic - I hope it helps...

 

- begin repost -

 

Yet, something like trust is not an on/off switch. Trust is a spectrum. To see what I mean ... how many of you guys WOULD trust your girlfriend to go away for the weekend with Johnny Depp ?

 

So, just where along this spectrum do you decide to break up with them ?

It is easy to trust when your trust is not being challenged.

 

 

Here's my take on trust. I'm dating a girl right now that I choose to trust completely. I assume she's always been honest with me from the beginning, and I'm not digging for "white lies" or other things to undermine that trust. We respect one another enough to be truthful, but we're also realistic about human nature.

 

For example, I don't believe that, just because we're "exclusive" that she'll stop finding other guys attractive or desirable. But I'm secure enough to know that there's plenty of reasons she's with me and not them, and vice-versa. If it comes to a point where our relationship is no longer a positive thing in her life, I trust she'll respect me enough to let me know and move on, rather than act out on her dissatisfaction (i.e., cheating).

 

Likewise, I also think it's impossible to ignore or deprogram jealousy. You kind of have to winnow it down to an acceptable level, then move on with what you've got. The best way I can explain it is this: The weekend with Johnny Depp thing is a perfect example, and I think ehead got it right: it *is* a spectrum, but not of "trust" per se. To me, it goes like this - read along, and tell me where you draw the line.

 

I COMPLETELY TRUST MY GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND, SO THEREFORE IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME ONE BIT IF HE/SHE DOES THIS WITHOUT ME:

 

- Hangs out at the house with friends of the same gender

- Goes to the club with friends of the same gender

- Goes to the club with a mixed crowd of people

- Goes to the club with a mutual friend of the opposite gender

- Goes to the club with a friend of the opposite gender that you don't know

- Travels to meet a person of the opposite gender that he/she met via the internet to hang out with them

- Goes on vacation with a person of the opposite gender that he/she just met

- Goes to an orgy with a person of the opposite gender that he/she just met

 

If I really trust my girlfriend, none of these should bother me right? I mean, assuming there are a plausible set of circumstances leading to each one - for example: "Honey, my new guy friend from the office says there's this orgy next weekend when you're out of town, and I'd like to go just to check it out. I mean, it's not like I want to have sex with anyone but you, I just want to see what it's all about, and learn some new things to spice up our sex life. Since you're not going to be around, Bill said he'd take me to show me around."

 

It would definitely bother me if Bill took her to the orgy, even if only to look around. I'd also probably not like it if she went on vacation with Bill, even if it was only to work on her tennis game and her tan (or whatever). I also would be bothered if she decided to go out of her way to hang out with some "UR H0t how old RU" internet dude. Even if he is very clever over ICQ chat.

 

Is that because I don't trust her? No - I really do believe that she'd remain faithful in those situations. But I just don't like it. It makes my inner chimpanzee want to swing from the rafters and bang on my chest and fling poo and flare my swollen red ass in frightening displays of male dominance. I can't help it, that's just me. I've been around the block once or twice - enough times to figure out the "insecurity" thing and to shed the most childish vestiges of my green-eyed monster.

 

But I'm still a freaking human being. I'm not perfect, and some stuff that my girl *could* do would bother me. I can't explain why, other than it just does. So that's what I do - "Babe, look - you know I trust you, but it really bothers me if you do ____________".

 

I'm not a very jealous person. The things that set off my inner simian aren't unreasonable. A pretty good litmus test for my limits is this: pretend you're describing the situation to a disinterested third party. If it sounds fishy, it'll probably bother me.

 

But the things that *do* bother me? Well, look. I've just come to accept the fact that I'm not the omni-accepting relationship floormat that Cosmo says we should all be. It's just a piece of my crust that I guess my girlfriend will have to accept, like how we leave our socks on the floor (or are compulsively neat about it). So far, she has. And I'll accept her limits, too. It's really not limiting at all, when you look at it - don't do things that you wouldn't feel comfortable if the other one did them.

 

I guess that's my take on the whole "my boyfriend doesn't like it if I go out to the club without him" (or with him, as one poster said!). Those are his limits. I think they're ludicrous and that they're a sign of an insecure person. (But maybe there's someone out there who thinks that my no-orgies-with-Bill limit means that *I'm* insecure.) Bottom line is that you're not going to change the person. They have to do that on their own, maybe by growing up a little and figuring out the insecurity thing, or accepting that they're only going to be really compatible with a complete homebody.

 

So, in my eyes, yeah - trust is an absolute thing. I mean, it's based on a belief, after all, and if I had to verify that she was always doing the right thing when I wasn't around, it wouldn't be trust. But that doesn't mean you have to *like* everything your partner does (or could do). Finding someone who respects you enough to honor your comfort limits, and whose own limits aren't too restrictive for you to be happy is the real trick. It's not easy, but it's worth looking for.

- end repost-

[Guest]

I'm in the same boat as your wife.....The only thing I can say is maybe she's jealous because you cheated on her before, or that you haven't fulfilled your hal of the marriage in some way.

 

Sometimes, like myself, woman get jealous because you guys treat your female friends better than your own spouse, and we as the spouse feel like WTF? BUT I do understand that you wouldn't betray her and she should have faith in you, but you really need to talk to her and get to the bottom of it.

 

I was recently jealous of my BF's bestfriend, becuz he admitted 2 me once he lusted for her, back in highschool. I know it was be4 for so it was no big deal. Yet she always seeks his attention, and I don't trust her intentions.

He says he would never anything and I believe him, but I'm just scared to take a chance with her and just want her out of our lives.

Yet that's not fair to him....so i'm stuck in my own pickle..either just go with the flow or walk away from it all.