It all comes down to confidence.

[CaliGuy]

Do you know what the one main quality people are missing that contributes to them being single? It's the main character trait that can effect you positively or negatively in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. From your job to your hobbies to your career and most importantly, your relationships:

 

CONFIDENCE

 

That's it. When you have healthy levels of confidence it's like a chain reaction that positively effects every part of your inner fiber. Your self-esteem, health, energy, life and relationships will all benefit from confidence.

 

In almost every relationship breakdown that I have been studying over the past couple years (yeah I know - why is a guy studying relationships?) a lack of confidence has been the deep, underlying root issue of why the relationship failed, why they couldn't get that job or why they couldn't get her phone number.

 

Lack of self-confidence keeps us from having healthy boundaries. We feel people won't like us if we say no. We let people overrun our boundaries time and time again and in the process, they lose respect for us. People who don't respect boundaries don't truly love or respect you. They're using you.

 

Respect precedes love. Without respect, there is no base for love.

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where the other person started to pull away and you clung on to them for dear life? All it did was push them away further. Why? They sensed your lack of confidence and all it did was contribute to their loss of attraction to you. Insecurity and clingy-ness is NOT sexy.

 

Women (and men) can smell someone who lacks confidence. It automatically pushes them away. Confident people are attractive. People who lack confidence are not. Women instinctively are attracted to confident, happy men (happiness comes from being confident in yourself). Men are attracted to confident women. Attraction is not something that people control.

 

But you can control your own confidence levels.

 

So how do you build up your confidence? It comes from loving and accepting yourself as you are. Yes, we all could improve in certain areas and should strive to do so. But if you don't love yourself, you CAN NOT love anyone else. You simply don't know how.

 

All of us have some very positive qualities. You have to write down all the positive things about yourself and reinforce them. Don't focus on your negatives.

 

A good excercise for building confidence is to start doing some of the things you fear. If it's approaching a woman, start doing it. Of course you are going to fail in the beginning. Don't let it effect you. Every time you fail you are learning and building confidence. Pretty soon you'll start getting good at it, learning and seeing results. This builds confidence.

 

Facing your fears is the one guaranteed true way to build confidence. Recognize fear, but don't give in to it or let it control you.

 

You can't just pick up a golf club and hit the ball long and straight if you've never practiced. Building confidence is the same way. If you fear talking to women in public the absolute best thing you can do is walk right up to a woman, say hello, make eye contact and start chatting. Don't worry about whether you are going to fail or not. Focus on practicing. You'll get better soon and the next thing you know, you're getting phone numbers and going on dates.

 

Read books on confidence and self-esteem. Make friends with confident people and watch their behaviors and attitudes. Learn from them. Find a mentor. Someone who is confident and successful and learn!

 

Don't fear failure. It's been said before:

 

Failure isn't trying and not succeeding every single time. It's failing to try at all.

[2sunny]

Yep CG-

 

That's really it in a nutshell...

 

When I am in a room full of people - everyone pays attention to me! I am not bragging... it's a fact, and people always want to touch me too... I love to pay attention to others as well...

 

I also know that when you socialize or have any conversation with another, it is important to make that person seem like the only person on the planet...

 

This can be done by simply asking about the other person, hobbies, where they like to travel etc. Very non-threatening topics. Be genuine in your interest for what they are providing to the topic. They walk away thinking you are their best new friend. And for me- I am enlightened with stimulating conversation with someone new.

 

It is just one facet of confidence, but really fun when socializing.

[FataMorgana]

great post Caliguy. good thing to try to remember at all times.

 

Sometimes it's so easy to get caught in giving in again for someone you see as "special" only to go down to the same path.

 

thanks for the reminder

[Noos]

Jeezus Cali - just how many self-help books are you reading right now?

You're beginning to sound like Anthony Robbins

[Noos]

Hey FataMorgana - I bet you're here because all the guys in Syd - a - ney (Samaranch pronunciation) are gay or dating a soapie actress/model/Bondi waitress aren't you?

[alphamale]

That's it. When you have healthy levels of confidence it's like a chain reaction that positively effects every part of your inner fiber. Your self-esteem, health, energy, life and relationships will all benefit from confidence.

um, yeah....this is common knowledge CG. Its like me starting a thread that the world is round.

 

Read books on confidence and self-esteem.

Reading a book won't help much. You either have confidence or you don't. It comes from your parents, your upbringing, your environment, your genetics, your looks, your intelligence and a host of other factors.

 

Make friends with confident people and watch their behaviors and attitudes. Learn from them.

Confident people generally don't associate with non-confident people unless they are forced to in some manner. Confident people make themselves #1 and unfortunately hanging out with non-confident people does not get them much.

 

It's failing to try at all.

Everyone should try....but as I said above, you either have it or you don't.

[Touche]

um, yeah....this is common knowledge CG. Its like me starting a thread that the world is round.

 

 

Reading a book won't help much. You either have confidence or you don't. It comes from your parents, your upbringing, your environment, your genetics, your looks, your intelligence and a host of other factors.

 

 

Confident people generally don't associate with non-confident people unless they are forced to in some manner. Confident people make themselves #1 and unfortunately hanging out with non-confident people does not get them much.

 

 

Everyone should try....but as I said above, you either have it or you don't.

 

I don't agree that you either have confidence or you don't. I'm taking that to mean that if you don't you are stuck being that way the rest of your life. And if you do, it means you can never lose it. Not so. Many of us go through chapters in our lives where we have it sometimes and don't other times. And I'm not even talking about situational confidence because that happens to all of us, but I'm talking about whole periods in our lives. Periods where we have it and periods where we don't.

 

And it can be learned. You can fake it until you believe it and then it's REAL confidence. I think reading books CAN help. It chan change your mindset if you're already pre-disposed to wanting to change it. Attaining and projecting self-confidence really IS mind over matter. That's why I say I don't believe it's a case of "you either have it or you don't."

[alphamale]

I don't agree that you either have confidence or you don't. I'm taking that to mean that if you don't you are stuck being that way the rest of your life.

a small minority can "jump the fence" and do it. but this is a relatively small number of people.

 

And if you do, it means you can never lose it. Not so. Many of us go through chapters in our lives where we have it sometimes and don't other times. And I'm not even talking about situational confidence because that happens to all of us, but I'm talking about whole periods in our lives. Periods where we have it and periods where we don't.

incorrect....confident people are confident all the time, no matter what happens to them. they stay positive and focused even if their spouse leaves, their dog dies and they lose their job. That's what makes them confident in the first place....

 

And it can be learned. You can fake it until you believe it and then it's REAL confidence.

That's total bulls***.

[Outcast]

Reading a book won't help much. You either have confidence or you don't. It comes from your parents, your upbringing, your environment, your genetics, your looks, your intelligence and a host of other factors.

 

Confident people generally don't associate with non-confident people unless they are forced to in some manner. Confident people make themselves #1 and unfortunately hanging out with non-confident people does not get them much.

 

It's a mistake to think 'confidence' and 'arrogant self-importance' are the same thing.

[Touche]

a small minority can "jump the fence" and do it. but this is a relatively small number of people.

 

 

incorrect....confident people are confident all the time, no matter what happens to them. they stay positive and focused even if their spouse leaves, their dog dies and they lose their job. That's what makes them confident in the first place....

 

 

That's total bulls***.

 

No it's not bulls***. NO ONE is confident 100% of the time all the time. Really. If people were really honest with themselves, they'd admit that. You say that people stay positive and focused during rough times and that's what makes them confident in the first place. Wrong. You can be a generally positive and focused person but still lose confidence now and again.

 

I also don't agree that only a small amount of people "jump the fence." WAY more people do this than you think. Especially as we grow older.

 

And I still maintain that it CAN be learned. That's not bulls***. I'm walking, talking proof. My H still doesn't believe me when I tell him how I used to be before we met. Total doormat with no confidence. He doesn't believe me. There are LOTS of people like me who started believing in themselves and "jumped the fence" as you put it. It's called "growing." Some of us grow and others don't.

[Outcast]

Just because a person posts something as though it's fact doesn't make it fact. It often makes it a great steaming pile of turd.

[Pyro]

No it's not bulls***. NO ONE is confident 100% of the time all the time. Really. If people were really honest with themselves, they'd admit that. You say that people stay positive and focused during rough times and that's what makes them confident in the first place. Wrong. You can be a generally positive and focused person but still lose confidence now and again.

 

I also don't agree that only a small amount of people "jump the fence." WAY more people do this than you think. Especially as we grow older.

 

And I still maintain that it CAN be learned. That's not bulls***. I'm walking, talking proof. My H still doesn't believe me when I tell him how I used to be before we met. Total doormat with no confidence. He doesn't believe me. There are LOTS of people like me who started believing in themselves and "jumped the fence" as you put it. It's called "growing." Some of us grow and others don't.

 

I agree. Once upon a time I myself had no confidence. Books do indeed help. I read this one book of mine and it has changed my life to the better. My only regret is that I did not read the book sooner. Anyone who says that they are always confident is lying. Nobody is perfect.

[qnmc]

Totall agree with Riddler, it comes and goes. People view me as a very confident (almost arrogant) person. I think they attribute a much higher level of confidence to me than I feel most of the time. Underneath it all there are times when I am faking it 'til I make it (picture a duck gliding serenely on the water, but underneath they're paddling like crazy).

 

I think the key is to find that healthy baseline of confidence. Sure, you're going to be above and below that baseline at times. In order to attain that healthy baseline we need to monitor our negative self-talk. We're having constant conversations with ourselves all day, all of the time. For instance, when you say to yourself "that girl is so hot, there's no way she'll want me" - this is negative self-talk. Be as vigilant in monitoring this as you can. So in this case, tell yourself over and over that you are more than good enough for any girl, that you are the catch, that they should be psyched such a great guy is giving them a shot. I don't mean to convey this in an arrogant fashion, just a confident one. This will come across and no matter what you look like physically your attractiveness goes through the roof.

 

In a recent psychologytoday.com article, study after study notes that the following attributes/qualities are what our society deems as attractive:

 

• [FONT=Times New Roman]Leadership[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Times New Roman]Assertiveness[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Times New Roman]Dominance[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Times New Roman]Independence[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=Times New Roman]Risk-taking[/FONT]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]I try to remember to be assertive whenever I can. It's a learned/practiced thing for me. I've found it's not what you say but how you say it. And this goes for virtually anything you say. Have you ever noticed that some people in a group can get away with saying certain scandalous things, and people think it's funny, while others might say the same thing, and everyone thinks they're a jerk? It's all about how you say it. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]My point is to practice, practice, practice being confident even when you don't have to. For instance, when I'm walking down the hall at the office I try to say good morning to everyone I pass with a strong voice. The repetition will give you the backbone you need when those times arise where you do need to be confident.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]The last method for gaining confidence that I want to say is this: in addition to doing that which you fear, envision yourself doing that which you fear but in a way where you do it right. For instance, if you're terrified that you'll be rejected by that hot girl do the following, in the comfort of your living room or some other non-threatening place:[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]1) See yourself AS AN OUTSIDE OBSERVER talking to that girl as if you are the most confident guy in the world. Imagine what you are saying to her. Imagine that you are making her laugh her head off.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]2) Now see yourself AS THE PERSON saying things you were just observing. You are looking directly into her eyes, you are not shying away from her.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]Trust me, it works.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[SmoochieFace]

a small minority can "jump the fence" and do it. but this is a relatively small number of people.

 

 

incorrect....confident people are confident all the time, no matter what happens to them. they stay positive and focused even if their spouse leaves, their dog dies and they lose their job. That's what makes them confident in the first place....

 

 

That's total bulls***.

 

Another oh-so-wonderful pack of lies...

[qnmc]

It can't be said enough that confidence comes from inner contentment with who you are as a person.

 

On that note, a great book I'm reading on the subject is called Happiness, by Matthieu Ricard (he's a philospher from France). He talks about how too often we seek things outside of ourselves to make ourselves happy. The problem is that to rely on such things is to rely on things out of our control. The only thing we can attempt to control is ourselves. Instead of seeking things that give us momentary happiness we need to work on making ourselves happy at our cores, giving our lives a steady feeling of happiness.

[alphamale]

On that note, a great book I'm reading on the subject is called Happiness, by Matthieu Ricard (he's a philospher from France).

YEAH....like the French know a lot about confidence.

[SmoochieFace]

It can't be said enough that confidence comes from inner contentment with who you are as a person.

 

On that note, a great book I'm reading on the subject is called Happiness, by Matthieu Ricard (he's a philospher from France). He talks about how too often we seek things outside of ourselves to make ourselves happy. The problem is that to rely on such things is to rely on things out of our control. The only thing we can attempt to control is ourselves. Instead of seeking things that give us momentary happiness we need to work on making ourselves happy at our cores, giving our lives a steady feeling of happiness.

 

In America, the way most people seek out happiness is through making money, shopping, having *things*, and being in relationships - good or bad.

 

The ironic thing is that it seems that even though some people have lots of *stuff* they are still unhappy. So much for money and things buying happiness, huh?

[qnmc]

Interesting you should note, SF, how we puruse material things in hopes of attaining happiness - the writer spends a lot of time talking about this. An analogy he quotes is from the Dalai Lama - say a man moves into a luxury penthouse on the top floor of a 100 story building, if he is an unhappy man he'll seach for the nearest window to jump out.

[SmoochieFace]

Interesting you should note, SF, how we puruse material things in hopes of attaining happiness - the writer spends a lot of time talking about this. An analogy he quotes is from the Dalai Lama - say a man moves into a luxury penthouse on the top floor of a 100 story building, if he is an unhappy man he'll seach for the nearest window to jump out.

 

Goes to show that the writer isn't *full of it* - he is quite perceptive, as I am.

 

Google the term "Affluenza" and read up on America's newest disease - quite interesting... and it fits quite nicely in this discussion.

[Crazy Jack]

So in this case, tell yourself over and over that you are more than good enough for any girl, that you are the catch, that they should be psyched such a great guy is giving them a shot.

 

How does one do this when one's experiences are totally in variance with that?

 

I'll openly admit I'm having serious problems in this regard. I can blindly mouth apparent lies to myself in slow-paced situations where conscious self-observation is easy, but it all dissolves in the heat of the moment. Also, I often have to wonder why all the women that a catch like me are good enough for all fail to try to catch me, and why women aren't psyched that I'm actually giving them a shot, but rather think of my approaches and conversation attempts as irritating impositions.

 

What are good ways to communicate to people in one's social environment that they're lucky that someone as great as oneself is giving them a shot? (I'm assuming that one may not necessarily know anyone in the locations, may not necessarily have any ability or previous social connection not possessed by anyone else, and is a native speaker of the local language.) I'd like to start being treated like a catch that people are psyched that they actually have a chance with.