Lou Rock Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Hello guys, I have a question to anyone that is or has been in my situation. I met this girl online 9 months ago and we've been dating since. I have gotten to know her and her kid (3 years old) quite well over that time. I honestly love and enjoy the time I have with them. Although I did want to take things slow with her kid at first, I've found myself wanting to spend more time with her daughter these past few weeks. On a side note, her father sees his daughter once a week on the weekend so he has a connection with her. But, I am ready to have a family of my own. But my question is this: Why in the world, can't I let go of the fact that this guy is gonna be in the picture? I'm 25 and I've been with 18+ women and my gf has only been with 3 including me. Maybe it's a guy thing, but she was with this guy for 7 years and sometimes I feel insecure that everything she tells me about our future is actually true. Does she feel lonely, scared to raise her kid by herself? I don't know. She tells me that she broke up with him because he was basically a loser and that she just wasn't happy. She has her Master's while he didn't even graduate from high school. She makes more money than him etc... I guess I'm not trying to be a kid, but I've never dated anyone with a kid and this is all new to me. As far as my gf and her kid, I love and enjoy them every single minute I spend time with them. But, in the back of my head all I see is my gf's baby dad have sex with her when I see my gf and her kid. I know it's childish and stupid. But, I really do love her and her child even though it's not mine. I respect my gf baby's father. I would never get in between a father and her daughter. But it stings sometimes. Any suggestions /or comments? I can take any criticism. What can I do or say to ease that feeling of knowing he will always be there? Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 This is a very real fear. Committing to someone with children from another marriage is nothing to be taken lightly! You will HAVE to deal with this guy being in the picture for the rest of your forseeable life. If you can't deal with it, do everyone a favor and call it off. My wife didn't have kids, and I had one. There were some legal battles where my ex won back custody and now she can't handle my ex at all. Even with all the bad things that happened, SHE STILL has to be dealt with regularly for the sake of my son. This makes everyone involved fairly miserable on a regular basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 I agree with Kenyth...this is a major commitment on your part as well as a trust issue with your GF...I'm in a relationship now I have an 11 year old my BF doesn't have any kids and has never been married..I was for 11 years. So he has taken on my child and my ex as well because he will forever be in her life. As far as it being a trust issue on your GF's part I say this because we as mothers (or single fathers) want our children to feel secure. It's a difficult challenge to place your child in your relationship because you want them to know that they can count on this person to be there for them too. My daughter has taken my BF hook line and sinker, just loves him...and before I made the commitment with my BF I made sure that was truly what he wanted because it's a huge step to take. But if you have these visions of her with him you seriously need to get over those because even if she didn't have a child I'm sure she was with others before you, as you were before her...everyone has a past. It's not like she cheated on you. You have to just focus on the here and now and if you love them you work on it and talk about it with your GF... Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodhubbie Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 It is very easy to tell people to "get over these issues" but in reality it is a lot harder. I have been dealing with exactly this same issue for the last four years, and to be brutally honest, if I had the opportunity to go back and "redo" everything, even though I now have my own son and he is beautiful beyond what I ever thought possible, I would not do it again. It took me a long time to get over my wife's relationship with her ex, and there were a LOT of bumps along the way, especially since the father does not pay child support, yet is allowed to see him regularly. After my son came along the sting got better, but at this point, quite frankly, sometimes I resent my stepson when he tries to push his way in when Im trying to spend time with my son. (I work long hours and don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like). My advice to you is to think very long and very very hard about continuing your relationship with your gf if you are having trouble accepting ANYTHING about your future stepdaughter and her father. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 That's another thing to think about. Even if the other parent doesn't pay support, that has nothing to do with visitation. By law, you cannot withhold visitation rights regardless of child support arrears. That is a matter to be handled in the courts. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseWo Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 She has her Master's while he didn't even graduate from high school. She makes more money than him etc... She is obviously smart. Why would a woman of ambition go to a man with none? Cant guess, neither can I. Sure, they will always be connected b/c of the Dad, but as a Mom, if my bf was that invloved with my daughter, I would not want to let that go. She is a smart woman, trust her. Link to post Share on other sites
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