Boundaries

[shelters]

So I am in the process of self-reflection after a recent break up and there are various things about myself that I want to change. One of them is having boundaries. I have a terrrrible time enforcing them. Here is a good example:

 

I have an Aunt that I've been close to all my life. Our relationship is in the process of changing though b/c I don't like the constant boundary crossing she does. Anything, and I mean anything I say to her is not confidential. I know this about her so I have changed what I can control... I don't confide in her anymore. However, how do I handle direct questions of hers where she is looking for information that I am not going to give, *without being hurtful*? Yes, everything anyone tells her becomes public knowledge to everyone in the family and her friends, but NO she does not do this gossiping with malicious intent. (I think it is important to pay attention to someone's intentions, always.) In her own dysfunctional way, she really does "care" about me and whatever it is I may be going through.

 

So when she asks how I'm doing with my recent break up or how everything is going with my counselor, etc.... how do I say that I don't want to talk about it without being mean? So far I've used the excuse that I couldn't talk at the moment b/c I was at work, and when she calls after work I let the call go to voicemail.

 

Any suggestions?

[blind_otter]

I have been learning about boundary setting myself, for a few years now.

 

What I've discovered is that if you phrase your request simply and directly.

 

"I don't feel comfortable sharing about that."

 

End of story. Respond with the same statement if she presses. after the third time she should get the picture.

 

I do this with my mother. Or if she asks questions like that, I just don't respond and I change the subject.

[shelters]

"I don't feel comfortable sharing about that."

 

End of story. Respond with the same statement if she presses. after the third time she should get the picture.

 

 

I really like that line. I will have to try it out but boy am I nervous even just thinking about it. My Aunt will *not* be used to hearing something like that. She is used to being involved in everrrryone's business, mine included... which I share my blame since for most of my life I did confide in her.

 

I'll have to grow me a pair o'balls.

 

[blind_otter]

I'm rootin' for ya.

 

I did this with my mother yesterday. She brought up some old story and I just smiled and was quiet for a moment before making a comment about her new dishwasher, which got clogged recently (I just said, wow it's weird that you just bought that! Is the warranty still good?).

 

Now she kind of misses a beat and then responds to the change in subject. It's actually quite handy. But it does take some cajones.

[shelters]

Update:

 

I'm stickin to this boundary and so far so good. The real test will be when I visit my family and have to do it live in person, rather than just over the phone/email.

[Chinook]

When you do it live in person - make sure you alter your body language and tone of communications at the same time - more often than not, someone displaying 'quiet' or 'subdued' language is likely to avoid getting asked difficult questions. I do this all the time with my colleagues at work!!

 

[crazy_grl]

Glad it's workin out for ya so far, shelters.

 

Now she kind of misses a beat and then responds to the change in subject. It's actually quite handy. But it does take some cajones.

 

Actually, I find that avoiding someone's question is lacking in cajones and somewhat rude. Actually telling someone that'd you'd prefer not to answer takes balls and doesn't leave the other person wondering what's going on. Plus it prevents them from 'not getting the message' and asking again later.

[MadDog]

Just be really vague. If she asks how the breakup is going, say it's going ok. If she asks why you two broke up, say for lots of reasons. You can be as vague as you want to be.