looking for some input...

[pricillia]

Hi all

 

I am somewhat new here and have had an affair with a MM, it only lasted about 4 months as I would not allow him to get that close because I did not want to get attached to him, I know that bothered him becuase he used to tell me that he never knew anything about me. I never understood people who told others everything about themselves immediately problems and all..anyway

 

The last time that we were together he asked me if I was falling for him as he always did, I never answered until the last time I feel like I slipped and said that I was...um hello why would I be with him in the first place if I did not have feelings for him? He kinda got upset when I told him this...he has told me before that he was falling for me...

and I said that I loved him but and all he could say was no......

 

 

I then went to visit family for a week and when I go back I e-mailed him to say hello he asked me to pretend that he does not exist so that is what I did, implying that I was not honest with him about being with others as

I think he let his imagination get carried away...

 

Now keep in mind that we work together so I have to see him every day. No I am not getting a new job so please do not tell me to do that...

A week later he sent me an e-mail saying that he felt guilty for his actions for telling me to pretend he does not exist ect and stated that he loves his wife ect.. and that he is still attracted to me he also stated that he has never done anything like this before.

 

It was actually nice not having him in the office for a week because I felt like I could relax and not have to feel uncomfortable that he was there, sometimes it is so intense when he is there. But what bothers me is he asked me to act like he does not exist when I never put any demands on him at all. I always tried to leave him alone(pretty sad when you have to ignore a person you like...) but when I was away I told myself that weather or not I am friends with him or not it will not change what happened between us right... so I thought that I would open up the communication lines...keep it on a innocent level but when I did that he accused me of wanting something from him...

I guess that it was a mistake for me to do that. So I have left him alone because the only nice thing that I could do was to leave him alone, and I have told him that before.

 

After the e-mail of please pretend I don't exist and the e-mail saying that he feels guilty for the above e-mail, he sends me another one with the subject line of a mistake that I made at work so I could fix it before it was cought by the managers, as they track everything, my first reaction was to e-mail him back with me telling him that I would rather have the managers catch a mistake that I made then for him to help me with fixing it, but I just fixed the mistake with no reply, until a few days later when I thanked him for letting me know and his reply was.. no problem.

 

I know that I could never be with him again because the fact is I am really attracted to him and have not been attracted to anyone like that in a long time and I do have feelings for him. During the work day I could catch him looking at me and when I look at him he will look away, can someone tell me what that is all about? ... and it is not just a glance either it is a long stare... is he trying to get my attention or what? I do not give into it I just go along with what I am doing.

 

And how should I act when he comes back as I always always have and pretend he does not exist and just pretend that it has never happened as

I may seem cool on the outside but on the inside it is really killing me. Now I am a strong person who did make a mistake and I know not to think that it will go any further but sometimes you can't help how you feel about someone, I have gotten over it somewhat but...sometimes it is harder than other times. Just part of being human I guess. does anyone have any ideas on what to do next or any advice?