My Dad - cancer

[blind_otter]

My mom did another one of her random drive-bys today. The mass in his lung actually is cancer.

 

The worst part is that they f***ed up the first biopsy, when they actually may have been able to treat it with like chemo or something. So they wait until the mass doubles in size, and now he has to get a brain scan and my mom said something like a whoel body scan? To see if it has spread to his whole body.

 

I am upset but I don't know what to feel.

 

I don't think I should go on my trip to Europe now, should I? I should stay with him until he passes. I feel so bad. He was in the car. My mother made me walk outside and told me the news in the front yard. Maybe to make sure I didn't spaz out or something. He looked so bad. He tried to say something to me but coughed a lot and I told him that I would see him tomorrow morning because he's stronger in the mornings after he's slept a bit.

 

I don't want ot feel this bad. I feel like a little kid, though, when I think this. I don't want any of this to be happening and I just want him to get better.

 

He's so old, he's 76. And he's got congestive heart failure, and COPD, enlarged heart. He's only working with one lung anyways. I feel like s***. I feel guilty.

 

He's been so sick for so long, that part of me is tired of him being sick? Like, part of me is actually angry with my Dad for being sick? And I feel like dirt for feeling that. At least i can write about it here. I can't tell anyone that, in real life.

[serial muse]

I'm so, so sorry, otter.

 

And, you know, you have every right to feel your feelings. Guilt, anger, whatever reaction you have. It's wrenching, having a parent be sick, particularly the one you leaned on most. I think your reaction is perfectly understandable.

 

Try not to beat yourself up about it. And of course feel free to tell us anything you want. No judging.

 

(((hugs)))

 

As for Europe - I don't know. When is he having the full body scan? Do you have any sense of the time he has left? I do think it might be worth postponing your trip; guilt is pernicious, and you seem like you'd be particularly susceptible to torturing yourself with it. And I mean that in a caring way.

But find out the prognosis first.

[johan]

Otter,

 

Having not been through it, I won't say I understand just how you feel. But I understand how many different feelings can pop up when you are going through something like this. I'm sorry that this is happening to him. I'm sorry that the parent you feel closest to is so sick.

 

You have SO much going on right now. I hope when this all settles you'll have years of peace and happiness.

 

I think it's a shame that you have no one to talk like this to in real life. Not that LS isn't a nice place. It's great to be able to vent here. But boyfriends are supposed to be able to hear all this stuff and help you work it out.

[blind_otter]

I'll wait until Wed. when his body scan is.

 

I talk to my BF about this, but I don't like to realy open up about things that are this close to my heart.

 

Plus I feel kind of ashamed to say that I feel angry at my own father for being sick. He's been sick so long, ya know? I get angry with him for something he's not even in control of. I feel stupid talking about this to people, for osme reason.

[johan]

Plus I feel kind of ashamed to say that I feel angry at my own father for being sick. He's been sick so long, ya know? I get angry with him for something he's not even in control of. I feel stupid talking about this to people, for osme reason.

 

You're right, it doesn't make sense to be mad about the sickness he can't control. It's probably something else. Understanding things like this can make a huge difference in how easy it is to deal with the situation, and it could help you make better use of the time you have left to spend with him.

[whichwayisup]

I completely understand where you're coming from. My father had lung cancer as well, sadly, after he had part of lung taken out, rounds of chemo, radiation, eventually it came back about a year later.....

 

Don't deny any of your feelings, that is so important. And don't feel guilty about feeling them either! It's part of the process.

 

Wait and see what Wednesday brings, don't decide yet what to do about your trip. If it has to be cancelled, then so be it, but until you know what you all are up against try not to let your mind wander to the worst case senario.

 

My thoughts are with you B_O. Hugs.

[Outcast]

I would definitely cancel the trip given his age and his other conditions and all. Lung cancer is a real wretch.

 

As for you being mad - are you sure it's not a way to avoid being sad?

[Curmudgeon]

What you're feeling is very natural and there's no reason to feel guilt along with it. Fathers are supposed to be strong, stalwart, invincible and there for us forever. How dare they show themselves to be mere, vulnerable mortals?!?!

 

I'm sorry your father is so unwell. Now's the time to be there for him because he needs you and your love, and you need his. It's time to make your peace and part as friends.

[Lonestar]

Otter, babe, I'm sorry. Even though your dad has been sick for a long time, it's hard to face something like this. I wouldn't know whether to feel terrible or relieved, but what you're probably going through right now is shock. That's why you don't know what to feel yet. I'm not sure when you were leaving for Europe or for how long, but if your dad still has plenty of time, it might be a good thing for you to go and clear your head. If he doesn't have much time, then postponing it would be the right thing to do. I'm so sorry.

[blind_otter]

Blah. I vacillate between being ok with it and being really upset. Like I love him so much, and he's been the buffer that protected me from everything, my mother, the world. I know that no matter what I do, what I look like, where I am in life that he accepts me completely. He was so old by the time I was born that he treated me like an individual. i think in many ways that is why I am as strong as I am - his influence gentles me enough to be tolerable.

 

I'll always have that.

 

I bought a little jade fung shui charm for "unexpected miracles".

 

I'm gonna do the whole one day at a time thing. I can handle things, one day at a time.

[HokeyReligions]

I feel angry at my own father for being sick. He's been sick so long, ya know? I get angry with him for something he's not even in control of. I feel stupid talking about this to people, for osme reason.

 

Did you read my post about how angry I got at my mom last week? Its normal to be angry - of course you are angry! You are angry at the cancer and the cancer is in him. How dare he get sick! Believe me, the anger is normal. I would place money on it that others are angry too and feeling just as guilty as you are about it. There is no law or rule that says our only allowable emotion when a loved one is sick is grief or sadness or overwhelimg compassion and forgiveness. That's the stuff novels are made of - not real life and real death. And yes, even KNOWING that - I still get disgusted at myself for feeling angry at my mother. Then I feel angry at myself for not spending every second I'm home in the room with her. She has a new hospice nurse who has been to the house a dozen times and I've never even met him! I feel like I should stay home and be here when the nurse is here and if I allow myself to, I could wallow in guilt over that.

 

Can you talk to your dad's doctor and get some information? Sometimes its more frightening to know, but I would rather that than be in the dark and think later "if I only knew" (been there too with my daughter).

 

As tough as it may seem - Europe will be there. In the long run you will feel better if you are close enough to get to him when he asks for you, and to spend some quality time with him now while he is awake and aware. My husband's step-mother did not tell us about his dad until after he was so far into dementia that he didn't recognize his own son. We spent time with him, but he didn't always know us or remember us after we left. His step-mother told us after our first visit out there that after we left hubby's dad said "who was that nice man?" It was several months later that he passed away. If your dad's condition is too far along, he might still be around when you get back from your trip, but what kind of condition will he be in? Your best time for quality time with him is probably now.

 

I'm sorry Otter, I understand what you are going through. I wish I could bring you over a banana split (with lots of Kaluha) and a dopey movie to try and distract you for a while. Nothing is going to ease the pain but time.

[pricillia]

blind otter... sorry that you are going through this, my mom is too dying of lung cancer, she is 60 years old. The nurse states that she will be surprised if she makes it through the weekend, we found out in November, here it is in April and she does not have much time left. I knew the last time I talked to her would be the last time, She told me she loved me and I told her I loved her too, we kept saying it over and over again, now she is incoherent, very sad and a very bad situation. She lives in a different state across country so I am unable to be with her at this time.

 

My sister and I have discussed that we just want to yell at her for letting herself get to this point as who wants to loose someone that they love so deerly, but we know that anger can not solve anything. All I could say is spend the time with him now while you can and try not to waste your emotions on anger as you may miss out on something good with him or a special moment...

 

hang in there

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry Otter, I understand what you are going through. I wish I could bring you over a banana split (with lots of Kaluha) and a dopey movie to try and distract you for a while. Nothing is going to ease the pain but time.

 

I was hoping that you would reply, hokey. Thanks. Minus the kaluha, probably, since I'm in AA now (ha ha).

 

I feel all these feelings I don't understand. I have for a long time, but every time he has a setback or something bad, it flares up. This worst than most times. He's so fragile, I guess when you get to a certain age it's about maintaining homeostasis, because if anything does go wrong you're in deep kim-chee.

 

There's this idea in my head that I know how tired he is. He was tired years ago, but he just kept on going. I don't want him to suffer any more. I don't want to lose him either. But it's not like a man in his late 70s is going to go from marginally healthy to deathly ill to fantastically healthy and in shape.

 

Ironically, I (my body) want(s) a cigarette. But I (my heart and mind) really don't. Now that is a weird sensation.

[blind_otter]

I have to go into work this afternoon.

 

But I'm stopping over at Dad's to talk to my mother and see what's up. I am still upset. I had very weird dreams. My BF's Dad had esophageal cancer a few years ago, so I was asking him a lot of questions. I don't know. I'm bummed.

 

And my body wants a cigarette and my mind doesn't want me to have one.

 

 

And I still don't understand why a big part of me is angry at my father for being sick. Maybe it's selfish. I don't want him to abandon me, even though this has nothing to do with me.

[blind_otter]

My Mom gave me some info about everything, and when I talked to her about my trip she said to wait until the full body scan on wednesday because then we'll know what we're dealing with completely, but in her professional opinion his prognosis isn't good.

 

I found out today that my aunt (dad's sis-in-law) died very suddenly of lung cancer a couple of months ago. She went to the doctor with trouble breathing on Monday and was dead before the test results came back!

 

My Dad wasn't doing well. He can barely get out of bed and is very tired. He is having chest pains. My Mom thinks that the mass is compressing a nerve or something, but she is also afraid that the cancer has spread. He can't find a comfortable position so he's exhausted.

 

Before I left I held his hand and said "I love you" a lot. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I know....I see you."

 

He managed to get that out without coughing. But mostly he's coughing up these blackened bits of dead tissue from his lungs.

[Craig]

Otter I am sorry for your dad being so sick.

 

Don't go on the Europe trip, be there for your dad. Like Curmudgeon said, "It's time to make your peace and part as friends."

[blind_otter]

Otter I am sorry for your dad being so sick.

 

Don't go on the Europe trip, be there for your dad. Like Curmudgeon said, "It's time to make your peace and part as friends."

 

Thanks, Craig. I do appreciate it.

 

I am going to have to postpone it. My mother told me to do what I wanted, since she's still working part time. I feel like an ass because I spent a lot of money already on nonrefundable tickets, and reservations and stuff.

 

I feel like an ass for more reasons than this, of course. Should I go into it? Probably not. It's all in my head. I certainly feel shallow, though worrying about money at a time like this.

[Outcast]

Don't cancel it yet. When were you supposed to leave? I hate to be horribly pessimistic, but it's possible it might be all over very soon. I wouldn't cancel until the day before you were supposed to go - you'll pay the same penalties anyway.

[quankanne]

Otter, I'm sorry to hear about your dad's cancer diagnosis – it sucks big time, and I can only imagine how it's tearing you apart inside right now. You're feeling a lot of conflicting feelings, which is very, very normal. It's going to be awhile where you'll find that spot where you feel like you've got a grip on things, so until then, don't feel guilty about what you're feeling. I always thought it was harder on a small child to have to face the loss of a parent, but it hits us "big kids" pretty hard too – I was caught between sorrow over my mother dying slowly and anger that my husband's mom was going through this at the same time. Not angry at her, but at the fact that we were losing both when we should have at least had a mama left to cope with all this.

 

about the plane ticket: is it transferrable? can you move the date around? You may be able to do that, go at a later point, without having to fork over a lot of money for changed dates. If worse comes to worst and you've got to eat the cost of the ticket, you won't regret putting your dad first right now, because I sense he's where you really want to be.

 

hugs,

quank

[blind_otter]

It would only cost an extra $150 to change the dates, but I was kind of leaning towards Outcast's idea. I can wait until right up until the day before to change the dates.

 

There was something so strange about how he was behaving on Sunday, when he held my hand and looked at me and said, "I know....I see you."

 

It made me feel elated, but oddly bereft. He's been sick for the whole time I've been alive. By the time I was born he has already had 2 heart attacks. By the time I was 11, it was 4 heart attacks and 2 strokes.

 

THe whole time it always seemed like he was ready for it. Made of iron and twice as strong. Now I feel like the fight has gone out of him.

[basscatcher]

My dear B_O.. It is very hard to watch a parent in your fathers conditionl

I spent almost he whole last summer running to my dads bedside when he was in the VA Hospital. We almost lost him several times. He was ashen grey, couldn't open his eyes or lift his finger he was so weak. He had no fat left on his body it was skin over a skeleton.

 

I remember all the feelings I felt. A part of me was pleading with God to heal him because I never really had him in my life and I wanted time with him. I asked God to teach him a lesson so he would wake up and realize that he has two children who need him and he hasn't been there for us.

 

Another part of me pleaded with God to take him home and relieve his suffering. Remove him from his pain and misery.

 

I finally resolved to accept whatever God's plan was for him and stopped begging for my way.

 

I was constantly exhausted and worried. I don't know how I managed to keep going each day with little sleep or rest. I worked fulltime, was trying to have a life (dating and going out with friends), I was still healing from my Xbf walking out on me unexpectedly, and spending almost all my spare moments with my dad at his bedside.

 

The anger, resentment, guilt, brokeness, weakness, lack of control, hurt, fear, and exhaustion I felt was so overwhelming. I cried so much..

 

I understand what you feel. I have been there. My dad and I never were close nor did we have a relationship until he got sick and ended up down here in the VA Hospital. I was the only family here. I spent so much time with him, I fought with the Nurses for him, I riled up the patient advocates. I was constantly on the hospital staffs ass because they weren't taking care of him. Most nurses were taking the precautions they were suppose too. I was pissed.. My dad has MRSA.. (Google it if you don't know what it is..) he had a Staghorn Stone in his Kidney that was 4 inches and very dangerous. He had Cronic Ulceritive Colitis and CDiff and was septic. He is paralyzed from MS with little movement.

(There is a pending lawsuit against the VA in there negligence for the care of my father.)

 

I do understand how hard it is to see your parent suffer..

 

My dad lived, God spared his life. My dad says I am the one who saved his life because of my fight for him with the Hospital staff and watching over him when they pawned him off in a nursing home when he wasn't well enough to go into one. (That nursing home almost killed him and infected other residents....) I don't have much faith in our medical world. They are irresponsible. My dad carries an infectious desiese where you have to wear latex gloves while handing him.

 

It is frustrating when you can't heal them. can't really do much for them to make them comfortable, you feel powerless. You start to blame people, things, them, yourself, their previous employers, society, God, life in general...

 

Everything you are feeling is normal. As long as you allow yourself to go through those feelings and thoughts and don't get stuck in them and dwell on them you will be fine. Don't beat yourself up for what you think or feel. You are human and your grieving ism normal..

 

Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs....

[blind_otter]

Thanks so much pada, love ya loads.

 

I do the blame game well. I distance myself from my loved ones when I am stressed out. I've been wrestling with myself, trying to be self-contained in my fear, sadness, guilt.

 

Last night was bad, I couldn't sleep, crying off and on. I totally get the part about half wanting him to be able to rest in peace, and half wanting an unexpected miracle.

 

I hate being in limbo, but it seems like I'm stuck there most of the time.

[littlekitty]

Hugs to you BO in this dark time.

[quankanne]

There was something so strange about how he was behaving on Sunday, when he held my hand and looked at me and said, "I know....I see you."

 

It made me feel elated, but oddly bereft. He's been sick for the whole time I've been alive. By the time I was born he has already had 2 heart attacks. By the time I was 11, it was 4 heart attacks and 2 strokes.

 

THe whole time it always seemed like he was ready for it. Made of iron and twice as strong. Now I feel like the fight has gone out of him.

 

sounds like his body is just worn out, and maybe his comment about seeing you was as much a reassurance to himself that you are real, and that he's still on this physical plane. The summer before my mom died, she was hospitalized for a bad infection (kidney, I think), and she was pretty out of it – I think she thought she was already dead, because she kept asking me since she trusted me, even though she wasn't able to tell you who I was. And a lot of the time she was reassuring herself, saying "Quank loves me best." Made me want to cry thinking that's what she clung to after having a husband of 50 years, six kids and tons of grandbabies ... but it's their reality boiled down to a nutshell. Don't let his comments freak you out too badly, but reassure him that you're there and that you're real ...

 

Last night was bad, I couldn't sleep, crying off and on. I totally get the part about half wanting him to be able to rest in peace, and half wanting an unexpected miracle.

 

as much as it hurts and as much as you don't want to be bawling your head off, let the tears flow. They might not seem to be doing much, but believe me, they're very healing and very cathartic. *smile* when I was traveling cross-state more often than not those last few months my mom was alive, those six-hour drives were pretty much obscured by tears ... I think having that time alone to bawl helped me stay composed when I most needed to be with my mom.

 

in the meantime, know we're here for you ...

 

~~~

 

Pada – sorry to hear that the VA screwed your dad over. Ideally, they're supposed to be the ones who will treat the vets best because they're vet-oriented, but sad to say, I think the staff is hired from the rejects from other hospitals. The one here in Dallas was ranked the worst in the nation last year, and this is the one to where my husband goes! I've had to send bxtch-letters to the administrator when a physician's assistant told Richard that "it was all in his head" when he started having serious problems from a back injury received during his Army training. The dental office is a joke. He'd been going there for work on his teeth and they'd send him home (100 miles from where the VA office) without a prescription or medication for infection. TWICE. The first time he called the office and the girl who answered told him to just come on by and they'd have a prescription for antibiotics ready for him to pick up (he called to see if they'd call in something to our local pharmacy); she apparently couldn't grasp the fact that Richard was too sick to make the 200-mile roundtip. They also did a partial root canal (WTF?) because they are only allotted 90 minutes per patient, which is bullshxt. In December, after I tried calling them to let them know Richard was too sick to make it in and I couldn't drive him because of work commitments, they totally dropped his apppointments with their clinic. So, I told him to go ahead and pay out of pocket whatever he can until he can get on my dental plan at work, then save all the receipts so we can stick it to them for work they were supposed to have done, the bastards ... :mad:

 

I know most of the doctors are doing the best they can with what little they've got, and they're decent folks, but some of them have got their heads up their butts because they're in charge.

[blind_otter]

My Dad's a VA patient.

 

What luck that my battle axe mother works for the VA. She intentionally got a job there almost 20 years ago, I think in the kowledge that he would be getting his care there.

 

She totally uses the system and pulls strings. I really wonder how things would be if she wasn't there to ride the doctor's butts about everything.

 

She also pulls all his x-rays, CT scans, MRIs and blood tests and grabs her favorite specialists to look at them just for her. She is a trip sometimes.

 

She was with me when I lost my second baby, and after I delivered the fetus by myself in the restroom, she went ballistic on the triage nurse and ripped her a new a**h***. I was immediately seen after that!