My Dad - cancer

[alphamale]

She totally uses the system and pulls strings. I really wonder how things would be if she wasn't there to ride the doctor's butts about everything.

 

She also pulls all his x-rays, CT scans, MRIs and blood tests and grabs her favorite specialists to look at them just for her. She is a trip sometimes.

she's a smart and cunning woman who is aware that many time the medical care offered in VA hospitals can be sub-par. I know this becuase my little brother did part of his residency at a VA hospital and he said they needed to do a lot of work to get to the standards of a regular hospital.

[basscatcher]

Unfortuantley I have very little little faith in the VA sytem. They are the ones who gave my dad the Cronic Ulcertive Colitis in the first place that got him so damn sick and wore his body down to the point it sped up his MS and caused the over abuse of antibiotics that created the MRSA...

 

Some of the staff is very genuine, caring and good at their jobs. Most are over worked, burnt out, not happy and just aren't logically connected to the morals of good health care for the vets... They don't do their jobs well because they are miserable... I spent many days, weeks and months in the VA Hospital in Minneapolis and I talked with many nurses, paitents and orderlys. I found all that in common what I said above. They admitted it to me...

 

When they sent my dad to a nursing home they didn't tell the family. My dad was calling me nonstop over and over add day long till I finally got his call and by then he was already moved. I ran out of work to find out what was going on. NO family was notified that they were discharging him and moving him to a nursing facility with a fever spiking up to 104 in the afternoons, dehydrated, on PTN and loads of IV's. WTF... In less then 24 hours I had him taken by ambulance to Northwestern Abbott Hospital and he was admitted into ICU in critical care. The doctors didn't want to release him to the VA but he didn't have the medical insurance to stay in the public hospital system. The VA was making it hard for him to go back into their facility.. It was like they threw him out to die on the street and didn't want him back in.. He was in critical condition and the doctor told me if I wouldn't have pulled him out of that nursing home and had him taken by ambulance to ICU he would have died....

 

Now imagin if I wouldn't have been living down here. He would be dead!!! Guarenteed....

[blind_otter]

My Dad is having his body scan today. He was out of it when I talked to him last night, his voice is slurring, but he did say "I sure do love you, ottersname." a bunch.

 

We find out tomorrow what his prognosis is. If you believe in prayer, and you read this, could you maybe say a little prayer for my father?

[basscatcher]

My Dad is having his body scan today. He was out of it when I talked to him last night, his voice is slurring, but he did say "I sure do love you, ottersname." a bunch.

 

We find out tomorrow what his prognosis is. If you believe in prayer, and you read this, could you maybe say a little prayer for my father?

 

I'll say a big prayer for YOU and your FATHER..

[quankanne]

the prayers are a-coming. Meanwhile, give your daddy a hug from the bunch of us here at the 'Shack, and tell him we're thinking of him ...

[blind_otter]

thanks a bunch, you guys. We're hoping for a miracle.

[littlekitty]

I'll add him to my prayers!

[quankanne]

in the meantime, cheer him up with some good redneck jokes

[blind_otter]

I'm so angry. This is so unfair. I hate this. I had to close the door to my office so I could cry because I couldn't hold it in any more. Everyone here knows so they're being extra nice but I am like a child. I stamp my foot. It's not fair. after all the s*** I've dragged myself through. I just want everything to be OK for a little while. Just OK, not big issues, no crying. I just want him to be OK. He was always the one who knew how to make me feel better. Who knew exactly what I needed from him when no one else could understand me.

 

I want him to be OK. I want him to stay here, with me.

[littlekitty]

Oh BO, my heart really does go out to you. I wish I had the words to help you.

 

HUGS.

[quankanne]

a hug from me, too, otter.

[blind_otter]

I feel like some incolsolable child. I want to be rational about this. I really do. I feel like I'm splintering inside.

 

But strangely enough, I don't want a drink, a cigarette, or any drugs. Like I really want to really feel this. I think it's important.

 

He has this dylan thomas poem (the one my signature quotes) posted up next to his bed.

[blind_otter]

I can't keep breaking down at work. I wish I could just get it together here, man. I am frustrated with myself for being so emotional. I just want him to be ok. But I know the reality. I know what I see, the way his skin feels when I touch his hand. So thin and fragile. He has suffered so much. I just wish I could take away his pain.

 

Does anyone have any advice on keeping it together like at work and stuff?

[serial muse]

I wish I had better advice than this, but the work itself can help. I know you already know this. But I just mean that when I was spiraling into depression these past months and just couldn't stop crying at work, I found that the only thing that actually did help was the work - I'd start to go into a loop of thoughts and distracting myself did break the cycle for a little while, and when I finished whatever I had to do I did feel more in control of myself.

 

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Sorry. Hugs and prayers to you otter.

[blind_otter]

I'm a fast worker. I've blown through 8 hours of work today already. Ugh. I'm just nervous I think. And angry. And feeling weird.

[quankanne]

I wish I had better advice than this, but the work itself can help.

 

Work and this place were really the only things that helped me stay together that whole horrible year. Work because it was our busy season and I had to concentrate on getting it done, and the 'Shack because y'all made me laugh when I most needed it. The crying was pretty much done when I was alone in my car. Otherwise I tried to put on a calm, together face around others.

 

I'm pretty sure your co-workers understand why you're responding the way you are, what those crying jags are about, and they're prolly going to show a lot of empathy – it's still all so fresh and you really haven't had time to get to that spot where you've got a firm enough grip on what you feel or anything.

 

I just wish I could take away his pain.

 

I iimagine it's killing him inside knowing his babies are having to go through this, that his health is the cause of their pain. Just keep reassuring him – and yourself – of your love for him. Sometimes that reaches through the pain so much so that it becomes more tolerable.

[Becoming]

Dear Otter, tears are running down my face as I write this. I'm sorry.

 

You know he could go at any time now, so just try to ride the wave of emotions and don't let them drown you to the point where you can't do the work of saying goodbye and letting go that is your task now.

 

He knows your love, and you know his. And in the end, isn't that all that matters? Make any peace and express your thanks to him for all the goodness he leaves you with through reminiscences and thoughtful care.

 

 

Prayers and hugs with no words--just grief oozing out of a heart that's breaking over your pain.

[blind_otter]

 

We sure do love each other, my Dad and me. We were like the black sheep of the family. I'm the only one who ventures to talk politics, philosophy, sociology, psychology, or history with him. We understand each other.

 

He taught me how to be fascinated by everything, how to go after information (perhaps too aggressively) and not accept ignorance for myself.

 

He taught me how to look at anger directed at you from a different perspective. The value of diplomacy and tolerance for differences.

 

He taught me how to have deeply held convictions, and still keep an open mind.

 

He taught me how to compartmentalize my feelings, so that I could put them into manageable parcels to be doled out when I could properly attend to them.

 

He taught me how to read between the lines, how to communicate without words, and that words in and of themselves are cheap, like currency, and only hold value if they come from a valuable mouth.

 

He taught me that pain is just as valuable as pleasure, and you can make it twice as enriching.

 

He taught me that, when given the choice between two paths, to always take the more difficult path.

 

He taught me to listen to trees, and to channel my heart into music.

 

He gave me the tools to re-create myself from any point in my life.

 

And he taught me the courage that makes me fearless, even in the face of my own weakness. He taught me how to fight my own demons.

[serial muse]

That's a beautiful, rich legacy indeed.

 

And, you know, you're giving him a gift that I think any parent would really treasure from his/her kid - you acknowledge and truly appreciate and love all these amazing things he's given you.

 

I'm sure that's worth more to him than anything else you could give him. I thought that was really beautiful. What a lovely gift.

[blind_otter]

That's a beautiful, rich legacy indeed.

 

And, you know, you're giving him a gift that I think any parent would really treasure from his/her kid - you acknowledge and truly appreciate and love all these amazing things he's given you.

 

I'm sure that's worth more to him than anything else you could give him. I thought that was really beautiful. What a lovely gift.

 

Thanks, SM. You gave me an idea. I'm going to print this out in large print and give it to him to read. Maybe he'll put it up next to his dylan thomas.

[serial muse]

That's a great idea.

[Tucoball]

Otter,

 

I feel your pain, your anger, your guilt, your helplessness. I lost my Dad to Pancreatic Cancer a year ago in February. I know first hand what you are going through and I am so sorry for you. Let me tell you what I did and where I am now. Hopefully something I say will help you.

 

I found out the day before Thanksgiving 2004 that I was going to loose my Dad. I was devistated. Immediately I started to feel guilty and that I could have been a better son. Everything went on hold. Work, family, friends..., everything. I knew I had about 3 and a half months left and I planned on trying to savor every last second I had left. Add to this that Dad lived 2 states away and it made for anxiety.

 

I called him every day and sometimes twice a day. I drove and flew as often as I could and did it with no reguard for work or family. It didn't matter if I would still have a job when it was all over. Fortunately, my employer was very understanding and gave me the time I needed. The family is still paying unfortunately.

 

I regret that I was not able to spend his last three months alive with him but I did manage to get in five weeks of it. And most importantly, I was there with him when he took is last breath. Other than spending more time with him I would not change anything I did.

 

He's been gone now for 14 months and I still think about him everyday. I miss him horribly and the loss has changed my life both good and bad. I still have not recovered and I still grieve like he was just taken yesterday. My depression is being treated with medication but even still I am very different than I used to be. The only way I could fix it would be to make ammends with my Dad for all the poor decisions and disappointments I caused him. There were too many things left unfinished and unsaid and now it's too late. He's gone and now I can't fix those things.

 

I am so tired of all the emotions because they are so extreme compared to what there were before I lost my Dad. It's destroying my marriage. Every emotion I feel now reminds me about how severe it was with the loss. Each time the emotion takes me back to the loss. When I feel angry because I misplaced my keys I'm reminded of how angry I felt at Dad for not taking better care of himself or the doctors for not catching it sooner. When I feel sad because my kid dropped his snocone I find myself back at the national cemetery saluting the flag while the bugler played taps at his funeral. When I'm late home from work without calling I feel all the guilt I felt for not being a better son or call him more or for throwing away so much with him time like so many little pieces of paper in the trash until it was at a premium.

 

My solution is to avoid any emotion because it hurts too much. It's like feeling the burn of an iron before you even touch it so you just don't iron your clothes. The result is looking messy and I'm okay with that because I can't stop the hurting.

 

Otter, I was a mess when I found out I was going to loose my Dad and I'm still a mess more than a year later. I don't know how to fix it. If history repeats its self I have another 22 years to completely destroy everything here then I guess I can meet my Dad in the afterlife and finish all the unfinished business.

 

Don't let this happen to you. Don't leave anythig left unsaid or unfinished. Live every remaing moment you can with your Dad for him, your family and for you. Having to deal with the loss is more than enough. Don't add anger and guilt to it.

 

God Bless you, your family and your Dad.

Tucoball

[blskaah]

My mom had colon cancer, unfortunately by the time the doctors actually caught it (they told her she had the stomach flu repeatedly for about a year) it was at stage four and had spread to pretty much every other organ.

When they told me I couldn't stay in the same room as her. I couldn't hug her, if she came in the room I would walk out. I regret what I did, but I was a kid that didn't know how to deal with it. Any reaction that you have is normal. I'm not sure what's harder losing someone quickly without warning or watching them get worse and worse. I've said before that I think the later is worse because you go through the grieving process before they die. I had to watch as she got sicker and sicker until she didn't even recognize us. We had to do the "good-bye's" about a month before she actually died. I was young, she died about three weeks before I graduated from high school, almost didn't because of it. Unfortunately my mom worked at the school I went to so I couldn't get away from it anywhere. I regret wanting to get away from it, but going to do your daily routine does help. It's second nature and it sometimes makes you remember that life will go on when they go. You'll have your breakdowns.

 

My mom's been dead almost six years now. She was my buffer too, it was a hard reality afterwards, but like I said I was a kid. You're never going to forget him when he goes. Don't let anyone tell you when you're supposed to be over it either. I've gotten that a few times when I've woken up and forgotten that she's gone, or I've wanted to call her with questions about things. You don't have to let him go. Spend as much time with him as you can. You'll regret it if you don't. My mom was only fourty one when she died. As hard as it seems, it does get bearable.

 

I'm sorry, I don't really have any real advice for you, I just really wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through. I know that as sad as I was when she died, I at least knew that she wasn't suffering anymore. I still miss her.

[blind_otter]

Tuco, many thanks for sharing your story with me. I was shaken and moved. I could feel the depth of your experience from my living room.

 

I called my parent's house immediately and was fielded by my Mom, Dad is exhausted apparently the tests were pretty harsh on him. The PET scan was like 2 hours in a clausterphobic tube, I guess, but Dad came out OK. He's got a history of extreeeeme psychological endurance. Although i suppose it gives him time to think.

 

The tests findings will be discussed tomorrow and I am on pins and needles. Needless to say.

 

I was talking to an old friend on the phone and we reflected that in many ways I am lucky, because of the depth of the bond I have with Dad. I feel like he is a part of me no matter where I am. I felt him with me even when I was in another country, across the atlantic ocean.

 

he's seen me in the sorriest states. that no man should see his youngest daughter in. The kind that would make a father weep with rage and sadness.

 

I am blessed to have known him.

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

Gosh, I've got tears. I've somehow missed this thread. I rarely come into this section. I'm so sorry I haven't been here sooner. Forgive me.

 

He's given you an incredible legacy and I think printing that out would be an awesome present for him.

 

One question, forgive me for saying this, but do you think you're getting the full story from Mommy Dearest?? I know how she is about stuff........

 

I'm praying for your dad and for a miracle for him, and for you, because I know how much he means to you.

 

My grandmother was to me like your dad is to you. She was my world. When she died it started the downward spiral that ended in me being in the hospital, the affair, the divorce all of that drama. I can relate to the helplessness and the utter lonliness of losing the only person who had ever put me first, ever REALLY loved me like I wanted to be loved. It was like a lifeline was gone.

 

I don't want to see this happen to you. I'll be praying for strength for you as you go about this journey. Let us know how he is.

 

If I could reach you, I'd be there with ya 100 percent!