Becoming Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 :bunny: Oh, thank God! :bunny: Turns out I have free wireless at this hotel in the middle of nowhere. How lovely. I just had to see how you were doing. I saw my Dad yesterday who's in a nursing home far away. It's really hard. Some visits are like old times. Others he barely knows me. It is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because despite everything, I love my Dad. Like all people, he has good and bad qualities. The bad have faded into this sweetness like a child who appreciates all, and I lament I can't give him more. And that a large part of him is gone already. All any of us can do is what we can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Blah. I need to see my Dad today it's been since saturday since I visited with him. We had such a good visit though, we talked just like old times about politics and religion and philosophy. I am loathe to see his deterioration. I want to cling to those happy memories of good times with him. Lately I have been renting movies about immortality. People who through supernatural or scientific means have artificially extended their life beyond the normal scope. Of course the morality tale in all these movies I have subconsciously picked themeatically, is that to extend life is to play God. We all must die and acceptence of that inevitability is all we have to cope with that reality. I know this. In fact, I can't imagine being motivated to extend my own life. But I certainly can imagine attempting to artificially extend the life of a beloved family member. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 But I certainly can imagine attempting to artificially extend the life of a beloved family member. the natural order of that person's life would be screwed with, and then the question of "is this better for him/her" would arise. I'm more or less a realist when it comes to situations of change, so my first response would be, 'how can I best move on, given the new parameters?' In fact, there was one book I read over and over and over that last year of my mom's life; one song I played continuously to get through the start of the grieving process. Both dealt with the theme of "even though said person isn't present, your life will still always be affected by that person, until the end of your days." And that gave a lot of consolation when consolation was hard to come by ... Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 (Sorry I didn't make it to your thread sooner - I've been out of town the last few days) Take good care of yourself. Keep making good decisions (like not drinking). It is a very hard thing you have to do - - you are doing a good job: being there for him, letting him know it's ok to let go, and planning to live well in his memory. These things take a lot of strength, courage, more than you probably ever thought you had. My thoughts are with you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 I was at my Dad's today for only 2 1/2 hours. I had to get up and leave. It was weird. I was there, hanging out with him, and then I felt this immense pressue in my chest. I felt like I had to get up and move around. I brought a scarf that I'm knitting with me so I sat there knitting furiously for a few minutes. I got up and did 20 minutes of yoga and I still could not stand being in my own skin. I felt like I was going batty. When my sister called to let us know she was on her way in from her farm (she lives on some acreage outside of town about 30 minutes away from my parents) I just picked up and left. I made up a stupid excuse about having to go grocery shopping, but really that only takes a half an hour at the most. I am a list person. I go in, get everything on my list and leave. I hate dragging my ass around the grocery store. Anyways I can't figure it out. After I went shopping I sat on my bed and zoned out for an hour, being depressed. Staring at the ceiling fan. Then I snapped out of it and made myself do another 45 minutes of yoga and a short 15 minute breathing meditation and prayer. I feel calmer, for sure, but even when I sat with myself I couldn't figure out why I felt so antsy at my Dad's house. I go there every day for lunch. I spend a few hours with him, watching TV. I eat some food with my Mom. I am reading a book about dealing with Anger now. My mom has started with her sniping, bitchy comments. I normally get angry and avoid her so maybe it's vestiges of that. But today instead of leaving I sat down and breathed for a few minutes and then said what I would say to myself, to her, "I think you are too hard on yourself. I think you need to celebrate your successes, and how far you have come and what you have accomplished." She was very quiet after I said that, and then she changed the subject. I want to reach out to her. I have been angry at her so long for what happened when I was young. I think sometimes anger is like a crying baby that screams to be soothed. But not by anyone else, only by the angry person. Because we suffer when we are angry, and the best medicine for this is to be gentle and loving towards yourself, and to extend compassion and understanding to the person who wronged you. I don't think accepting anger is good, but perhaps not trying to strike out in retaliation is. On my way home from my Dad's I cried a little bit in the car but I don't know why. Just another surge of grief I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted September 21, 2006 Author Share Posted September 21, 2006 In case anyone was wondering... My Dad has been on chemo. But the tumor that grew after his left lung was removed kept growing, so they decided to stop chemotherapy. Dad has withdrawn a lot. He no longer is able to speak, but whispers. He sort of lost hope, when they took him off the chemo. Strangely enough, he didn't WANT to go off of it, even though he was so sick because of it and unable to eat. He also no longer has an appetite and just sips on drinks. He has started to become confused a bit, and I can't really understand what he whispers most of the time. My mother has taken him off all his heart medication and his blood pressure is slowly dropping. I want him to find peace and happiness. I want him to be well, but that is not going to happen any more. I don't know why I keep trying to mentally prepare myself but this small tiny part of me is still desperately hopeful. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 BIG hugs going out to you right now BO! I am so sorry. I like to remember all the good things about my wonderful Dad. ((((hugs)))) M- Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 Hugzzzzzzzzzz.. You and your family have all my prayers Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 I'm sorry BO you're in my thougths. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 I want him to find peace and happiness. I want him to be well, but that is not going to happen any more. I don't know why I keep trying to mentally prepare myself but this small tiny part of me is still desperately hopeful. I weep for you B_0....I went thru this same scenario with my mother. It was the hardest and most trying time of my life but I made it thru. God speed. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 I feel for all that you're going through B_O. I went through this with my father. Alpha is right, it IS one of the most difficult things to go through - And with the help of your family, friends and all of us here on LS, you have tons of support -always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted September 21, 2006 Author Share Posted September 21, 2006 thank you it does help to know that others have gone through this and come out OK. Thank God for LS. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 I want him to find peace and happiness. I want him to be well, but that is not going to happen any more. I don't know why I keep trying to mentally prepare myself but this small tiny part of me is still desperately hopeful. Just like Alpha, I also know this scenario. I wished for both the peace of the end as well as a full recovery (even when it was completely insane to do so) with equal ferocity. It is amazing how the human mind can be so split down the middle. It may make you feel crazy, like you have two different people living in your head, but know that that is OK. You are entitled to be more than a little crazy right now. I wish I could do something besides just say I understand....... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 *lotsa hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
almostthere Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 Blind Otter...I selfishly came on here to rant and rave about something in my life when I came accross your post. I have no idea how i missed it all this time. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I lost someone very influencial to me 2 years ago and it was devastating. However, her death was quick and very sudden. None of us had the oppertunity to say good bye. I am in college right now and last semester I took a class on death. It was all about death, dying and bereavement. I watched so many hours of video in the class on cancer patients and their families that I left the class crying everyday. It has really made me realize a lot about the part of life we ignore...death. I have to say that from what I have learned through listening to the sufferers of cancer themselves you and your family are doing an outstanding job. Not to throw in a statistic here but did you know that 80% of cancer sufferers die in a hospital bed alone? They spend 18 hours of their day alone...everyday. I never understood hospice and palliative care before that class but now i am a huge advocate of it. You and your family are doing so many things for your dad right now that he desperately needs. From a perspective of someone who is dealing with a terminal illness he is afraid. Whether he shows it or not. He worries about his passing as much as you worry about the loss of him. You and your family are admirable for all that you are doing. Not only does it help him so much it will help you. Maybe you dont feel it now but you will later. Not that having this time with him makes it any easier but you are alloted time that many of us wish we could have had with people we loved and lost quickly. Please keep being strong. Its kind of a role reversal now for you. Your dad needs you to be strong (to keep visiting him and endure all the pain you must go through every time you are there and when you sit home and have a minute by yourself) as you once needed your dad to be strong for you. I am so sorry i missed this thread for so long. Take care of yourself. My heart and prayers go out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 In case anyone was wondering... I was wondering lately so thanks for the update. Hope you are doing ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts