amaysngrace Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Hey B-Lot!! It's so good to see you back. I missed ya! I'm glad your dad is doing better too. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Hey B_O, Welcome back, you seem more coherent. Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Otter!!!! I ws starting to think you have deserted us!!! I missed you loads! Glad you had the experience...... Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Welcome home. Glad to be back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 We sure do love each other, my Dad and me. We were like the black sheep of the family. I'm the only one who ventures to talk politics, philosophy, sociology, psychology, or history with him. We understand each other. He taught me how to be fascinated by everything, how to go after information (perhaps too aggressively) and not accept ignorance for myself. He taught me how to look at anger directed at you from a different perspective. The value of diplomacy and tolerance for differences. He taught me how to have deeply held convictions, and still keep an open mind. He taught me how to compartmentalize my feelings, so that I could put them into manageable parcels to be doled out when I could properly attend to them. He taught me how to read between the lines, how to communicate without words, and that words in and of themselves are cheap, like currency, and only hold value if they come from a valuable mouth. He taught me that pain is just as valuable as pleasure, and you can make it twice as enriching. He taught me that, when given the choice between two paths, to always take the more difficult path. He taught me to listen to trees, and to channel my heart into music. He gave me the tools to re-create myself from any point in my life. And he taught me the courage that makes me fearless, even in the face of my own weakness. He taught me how to fight my own demons. So I have an update, if anyone is interested. My Dad was jazzed about me going to europe. When I got back I showed my pictures and we talked about Italy, he has many fond memories from when he was stationed there. He had been coughing a lot, last month he had a clear chest scan. They did another last week and he has another 4cm mass growing right over his windpipe. No longer a surgical candidate because he's not fully recovered from having his left lung removed in May. Now it's palliative care, I guess they call it. I think that he's chosen to do chemotherapy to manage the pain from the mass but he doesn't have much time left. My whole family is here, now. We spend as much time as possible with him. I go to his house every day. We sit and watch TV. He can't talk much because it's hard for him to get a breath, and he coughs a lot. A wall in his bedroom is covered with drawings from the grandkids. He is happy that we are all with him. I'm going to spend as much time as possible with him before he passes away, but according to my mother he doesn't have much time now. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 I am so sorry BO. But a least you get your chance to say goodbye and make your peace. I will be thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Very sorry to hear it, B-O. I've done my 'time' in palliative care rooms. The staff in those places is usually the best of the best and take great care of their charges. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 otter, I am very sorry to hear of this new development in your dad's health, your family is in my prayers. As hard as all of this is, I'm truly glad that he's got his family surrounding him – this will lift his spirits like nothing else. in the meantime, if things get to be too much to handle, have a quick word with St. Joseph, he's a wonderful confidant ... love, quank Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 BO.... I am so so sorry to hear that. He fought his hardest against this horrible disease. Doubtless you still have some wonderful moments ahead with him. Savour each an every one. I hope he stays as pain free as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 Thanks guys. It's tough because I really had hope for a while he was doing so good. I thought because he had an appetite that it was a good sign, come to find out it's the appetite stimulating drugs for cancer patients that he's on. So I would see him eating a tiny portion of steak and eggs and assume that he was feeling better. I'm the "love gestapo" at the house. When I'm in with Dad and one of teh gradkids comes in to say something to me I tell them to "Go give grandpa a hug!" And then they scamper over to him. He's so deaf he never hears me give the command, so he gets the impression that there is a lot of spontaneous love going around. I want to keep it that way. The other day I was hugging him before I left for the evening and he whispered in my ear "You girls are going to be alright." I told him , yes, we are (my sisters and I) because he taught us to be strong. I love him, I am so proud of him. He has lived an amazing life. He deserves this. My family and I have all put aside our differences during this time. I am sort of proud of all of us for pulling together and not arguing or bickering right now, just being there for him and enjoying the time we have left. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 So sorry BO. All the best to you. My thoughts are with you and your family. Spidy Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 What you're going through is hard. I'm sorry. I hope you're telling him all the good things you write about him here. Just being there for him is a huge comfort. Prayers for comfort and blessing and peace. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Sorry to hear that news B_O. All I can say is, spend as much time with him as you can. It's great that the whole family has pulled together right now. That will make this easier, for everybody - Especially your dad. Thinking of you, and sending afew hugs your way as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted July 20, 2006 Author Share Posted July 20, 2006 I spend every day with him, anywhere from a few hours to the whole day. I find myself getting upset about the stupidest things. I cried briefly yesterday thinking about Dad, then I pulled myself "together" and went to rent movies to take my mind off things and when the movie I wanted wasn't there I almost burst into tears at the video store. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with my dad. Things that were supposed to upset me didn't and the littliest things DID upset. WTF. Cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell. Just don't hold in any emotions... Keep the humour going around your dad too! I remember afew times my dad and I laughing about something silly...Or me walking into the room and tripping over something, falling down. Stuff like that. More hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Girlie if I was there I'd give you a warm hug... I know the pit of the pain deep within with the fear of loosing him sooner then later. The feeling feels like a weight sitting so heavily on your chest that its hard to breath. Your head races but you can't make complete sense of what is racing in there at times. You feel the ebb and flow of panic, floods of tears, numbness, loneliness, anger, hope, loss, and bits of acceptance. You want to beg and plead with God to spare his life and allow him to feel healthy, happy and free again. It's the turmoil of greif. So many of us can understand the rollercoaster your on. Cherish this time you have remaining with him. Thank God for each day he gives the two of you. When he is taken 'home' think about how pain free, how care free he is and he is no longer suffereing. He will always be with you in spirit and the two of you will never be apart again. The idea that my father would be free from the pain, misery , and hardship gave me relief and comfort that he wouldn't suffer anymore. (he wasnt released from his pain on earth though--he is still suffering and he is miserable and he is miserable to be around because he is soo unhappy in his condition.) Continue to reminise with your dad, laugh with him, share with him, open your heart with him, take his hand and pray outloud with him, hold his hand often and hug him. kiss him on the forhead and let him know you are the luckiest girl in the world to have a daddy like him. Cry with your head on his lap, let him father you in your tears with his comfort. Don't hide what you feel from him. For him--being a father to you is the greatest JOY... Dont run from your feelings--immerse yourself in them. When you are angry-express it When you want to cry--let it out. When you want to remember happiness--do it. When you want to sit numb-let yourself. When you want to scream-do it. When you want to vent-call your best friend. I know your greif.. ***+++*+*+* HUGS **++*+*+*+ Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 don't deny yourself the feelings you have, otter – because as hard as it is to deal with them, they're healthy and they help you heal. You already understand that to be with him as much as possible gives the both of you joy, even if it's tinged with the knowledge that your time together is that much shorter. as pada has said, you start thinking in terms of "if this makes him whole again, where he's not suffering from the ravages of this disease, then maybe letting go isn't as bad as I think it is." Even though you never, ever stop missing that person, you come to realize that even death cannot force you apart from the one you love, because in the end, that love is stronger. so, kiddo, heap as much love and laughter in your visits with him and look at those times as building up your hope chest for the future ... hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Perfectly normal way to get all the emotions out that you can't get out there. Give yourself a break. This is really really hard. In the end, though, you'll know you did all you could, and even when it doesn't seem like he's there, he knows. Don't be surprised if he waits to die when the family's not there, and don't feel guilty for that. Folks often wait to go in order to spare their loved ones. At the end, you may have to tell him it's ok to go. Take care of yourself in all of this as well. I'll be holding you and your family in prayer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted July 20, 2006 Author Share Posted July 20, 2006 The other day I was hugging him goodbye and he said "You girls are going to be alright." It made me feel so final. He knows what's happening, I guess. He knows what's going on. I got angry at my cat this morning. I was putting his food in his little metal bowl. I changed catfood, to get the cheaper kind since I'm not working right now. And he didn't like it, and I became irrationally angry about that. I am moody as it is, and now I feel almost bipolar. I have these rapid mood swings. One minute I'm laughing about something my niece said to me, the next I just say something like "Oh, my Dad..." and start crying. Or, my youngest neice woke up from her nap and was inconsolable, pouting and upset and fussing, until her dad sat down with her and held her for a few minutes. It worked like magic, all of sudden she was happy again. And it made me so sad to see that, I remember how much of a Daddy's girl I was, how I would get so upset and only Dad could calm me down. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 it made me so sad to see that, I remember how much of a Daddy's girl I was, how I would get so upset and only Dad could calm me down. yeah ... like there's no one, but no one else who can fill that person's shoes. Crap, I'm not being very uplifting right now, sorry. Give your daddy a hug from the folks at the 'Shack when you see him next. And tell him we think he's done a bang-up job at being your dad :love: Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I tell them to "Go give grandpa a hug!" And then they scamper over to him. He's so deaf he never hears me give the command, so he gets the impression that there is a lot of spontaneous love going around. I want to keep it that way. What a wonderful idea, Otter! You are such a compassionate creature. What a beautiful way to spend his days here--surrounded by the flowing love of everyone around him. It must feel so peaceful, and less stressful on all concerned, including him, knowing that he does know what is going on. I know this is such a difficult time and I am sorry for your pain, please cry and let it out when you need to. No one is going to look down on you for this. And dont you dare feel ashamed. I will light a candle for you and yours... Typical Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 My mom did another one of her random drive-bys today. The mass in his lung actually is cancer. The worst part is that they ****ed up the first biopsy, when they actually may have been able to treat it with like chemo or something. So they wait until the mass doubles in size, and now he has to get a brain scan and my mom said something like a whoel body scan? To see if it has spread to his whole body. I am upset but I don't know what to feel. I don't think I should go on my trip to Europe now, should I? I should stay with him until he passes. I feel so bad. He was in the car. My mother made me walk outside and told me the news in the front yard. Maybe to make sure I didn't spaz out or something. He looked so bad. He tried to say something to me but coughed a lot and I told him that I would see him tomorrow morning because he's stronger in the mornings after he's slept a bit. I don't want ot feel this bad. I feel like a little kid, though, when I think this. I don't want any of this to be happening and I just want him to get better. He's so old, he's 76. And he's got congestive heart failure, and COPD, enlarged heart. He's only working with one lung anyways. I feel like ****. I feel guilty. He's been so sick for so long, that part of me is tired of him being sick? Like, part of me is actually angry with my Dad for being sick? And I feel like dirt for feeling that. At least i can write about it here. I can't tell anyone that, in real life. Ive recently been through the same thing. my dad was 72 and his cancer pretty much spread everywhere. He dies in april after having cancer on and off for 14 yrs.You should not go to Europe and i know you must know that because you will regret it if you are not there when he dies. I was there the moment my dad died,and for the 10 days he was in hospital before that. I don't know how i would be coping now if i hadn'y have listened to my gut and gone home. I know the anger that you are feeling - and i know that its not exactly anger, its frustration because of feeling like you have no control. Just stay with your dad and talk to him while you still can. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Mishy, you really have to read the whole thread. She's been to Europe and is back. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 i just read the last few posts and i'm glad you are spending quality time with him. You will survive all this. I have to say that most of my grieving was done while he was dying, even in the MONTHS before. All of the hospital nightmare and the waiting , its all much more horrible than what it is after they die. the thing is, you are relieved that they are not in any more pain, so you have to become selfless in your grief. Also you remember that you told them how much you loved them before they died, Write down things you have said to each other, it helps if you know you have that. Also in the case of my dad, he was also blind and now, I like to think, he is able to see. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 sorry i didn't read the whole thread, its all a bit close for me- even just writing my two posts has started me crying Link to post Share on other sites
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