long distance love

[drake]

Another online relationship. We met on the net and emailed and chatted about a month before we met. She came to my home which is about a six hour drive for a long weekend. The following weekend was back again for a week. Needless to say we'd hit it off well and would like to be together now. This isn't possible at present time as she has two teenagers at home- almost gone but still there and wouldn't like to move here. I'm still working on my business and am presently just getting by financially. I have no desire to move there as it is an urban area and I'm rural wanting to remain that way. Also my business would require we both move anyway because I need a shop and her neighborhood isn't zoned for that.

 

I'm optimistic and working toward the future where she tends to get depressed about the situation. She's willing to stick it out so far but I'm wondering how to make this easier for her if possible. We talk nightly on the phone and exchange emails and ecards. I'm not able to travel to her place yet but am trying to be able to do that. This is distracting to me and wears on both of us to the point that it's hard for me to work at times.

 

Neither of her kids are in school now and are working so age isn't a big issue except they really aren't quite ready for the world but can be before long. She can't just sell the house and leave them so it will take time to ease them into the next stage of their lives. Again any ideas on helping her to relax with this instead of being depressed about it? We should be happy to have this to look forward to in my opinion and have told her as much. Help please

[Tony T]

Your extremely lucid post makes it very clear that you are doing everything possible under the circumstances to make this relationship work and to work out the details. You don't seem to have left any detail hanging out there. You are simply doing your best.

 

You cannot control the feelings of another person and if you've gone through your life trying to I'm sure you must be very drained and frustrated. If you've assured this lady of your committment to her, that's all you can do.

 

If she can't deal with reality, that may be a serious danger sign for you and you may need to review this whole deal. When two people are doing everything in their power to bring things together and one of them is still depressed and anxious, there is a psychological problem that needs to be addressed. She should be very happy that you have such a great attitude in your willingness to work at this.

 

Otherwise, if she sees a doctor, there are some excellent medications for anxiety and depression. If she has clinical issues that overshadow the realities of the situation, her only recourse may be to get immediate medical attention.

[drake]

Thanks for the response, Tony. I don't dwell excessively on it but have wondered if I'm doing all that I can w/o going overboard. I went through a divorce in which my wife thought I should make her happy. That was a hard learned lesson. The present lady has been dumped on in the past and is understandably wondering how to deal with this and her children also. I believe she has confidence in me and really doesn't seem to suffer from depression but has some anxiety about the future. She is actually a fun loving and outgoing woman, she's just burdened at present with making all the aspects of her life work out.

 

Again I thank you Tony. I was after an objective opinion and believe you gave me a good valid one. I'll think more on what you said also.

Your extremely lucid post makes it very clear that you are doing everything possible under the circumstances to make this relationship work and to work out the details. You don't seem to have left any detail hanging out there. You are simply doing your best. You cannot control the feelings of another person and if you've gone through your life trying to I'm sure you must be very drained and frustrated. If you've assured this lady of your committment to her, that's all you can do. If she can't deal with reality, that may be a serious danger sign for you and you may need to review this whole deal. When two people are doing everything in their power to bring things together and one of them is still depressed and anxious, there is a psychological problem that needs to be addressed. She should be very happy that you have such a great attitude in your willingness to work at this. Otherwise, if she sees a doctor, there are some excellent medications for anxiety and depression. If she has clinical issues that overshadow the realities of the situation, her only recourse may be to get immediate medical attention.

[Tony T]

Yes, you seem to have tried this before...making someone else happy. You aren't responsible for the happiness of others and don't let this woman put that in your lap. Learn from your previous experiences.

 

And, yes, you may even be going a little overboard. But I still feel you are doing everything possible to make this work. If she's not happy with your efforts, don't drain all the life out of yourself...go find a female who doesn't require so much work on your part. It's also real nice if you are seeing some positive and fulfilling results from those efforts.

 

You cannot make another person happy. They must do that for themselves.