Can't deal with it any longer

[Cappe]

First of I am 19 years old with moderate school grade's and live with my grandmother and my younger brother and sister.

 

My mother was and still is a drug addict and was never allowed custody of us (thankfully) however my grandmother took custody of us.I was 3 when she took me in and my siblings are about 8 years younger than me-they were tkaen in by my grandmother when I was 11ish? anyway,when I was 9 I remeber my grandmother getting too drunk and telling me she was going to die that very night.

 

Since then I have always lived with this fear she is going to die (she's 70+) and since then I have never really done anything too cause her much trouble.I have even for the most part brought up my sibilings the last few years...

 

When I turned 18 I went out to the pub with a few high school buddies but that night she had a heart attack.She didnt stay with in the hospital to make sure she was ok,she discharged herself and went home that same night.At this point I was aiming for a career in the force's but this quickly put a stop to that,as she asked me "If anything happens to me,you look after the kids".

 

Last year was the hardest year for me in my life,I struggled with jobs,people and other pressure's (I lost alot of friend's as a result).Which brings me to today,I walk home and my grandmother tell's me she was taken to the hospital after she collapsed on the floor-She didnt stay despite the doctors protest.So I put her to bed and made sure everything was ok.

 

I really want too leave this small town and do the things I want to do (Which I will).But I feel if I leave,my grandmother won't be able to cope and the kids will be put in the same position as I,which I really don't want to do.Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Guest]

This is such a tough one, because you sound like a wonderful person and I already know what you are going to do: you are going to do the right thing.

 

YOu have had immense responsibility put onto your shoulders, and there is no doubt that you want and deserve a life that is ALL yours - where you don't have to look after other people and can do the things your heart desires. But your trouble, of course, is that your heart desires two completely opposite things: adventure out in the world, and to know that your family that safe and looked after.

 

Your grandmother also has had a similar life, if you think about it. I doubt that she ever dreamed of raising kids until she died, but that is what happened to her. You are now in the position to take over that burden, and like it or not, I believe youa re going to do so.

 

Here's my best 'advice' of sorts: You are young - you CAN have both if you just stick it out a few more years until your siblings can look after themselves. And I'll tell you something... there's nothing great about joining the forces at this point.. likely you'll end up in a war zone sooner than later and that will essentially mean that you'll be taking care of someone elses' business in a dangerous place for little reward. I'd rather raise a family than kill one.. wouldn't you? At least after you've raised your siblings they will remember you, love you, take care of you (probably!)

 

Small towns are definite drags but big cities are cold and can be demoralizing, too. Try and find the best of possibilities in the place you are. We all go through rough patches.. things will get better.

 

What are your passions? What can you do well? What makes your heart sing? I'll bet that you can follow those things from right where you are.

 

I know it's difficult for someone of your age to have perspective - but I'm here to tell you that you have lots of time to pursue your goals. Do what is right, otherwise all of your successes - even if you reach your dreams and surpass them - will be hollow.

[Curmudgeon]

I wish I had some advice for you but unfortunately, you seen to be stuck between a dog and a fire hydrant on this one. Having to balance your concern for your grandmother, your sense of responsibility for your siblings and your desire and need to get on with your own life is a really tough spot to be in at so young an age. It rather reminds me of George's dilema in "It's a Wonderful Life."

 

I don't know what to recommend other than never lose track of your dreams, desires and aspirations, especially if you have to put them on hold for a number of years.