He's addicted to adult "friend finder" sites

[Pnutzmome]

My husband and I recently separated - we had been together for 10 years with a 9 year old son. There's more to the problem but the crux of the separation stems from:

1. I had found out he had a posting on an adult site looking for others to have sex with (actually upgraded to a "Gold" account last May just days before Mother's Day).

 

2. This Feb he decided he wanted to have "boy's nights" with some old work buddies who I never met in a town 20 miles away and started strolling in at 4:30 in the morning. This started a week or so before our anniversary.

 

I finally had enough. Told him I couldn't live with someone who wasn't committed to me or our son. Problem is the state I live in requires a 1 year separation before a divorce is granted. How do I keep myself from going crazy? He just gets a "free pass" to walk out, go out, do whatever he wants, while I maintain our home, pay bills, etc.; take our child back and forth to school, doctor's visits, work my full time job, AND pay all the medical insurance not just for our son but for his two kids from his first marriage also. This hurts so much and all he sees is that he wasn't getting the amount or frequency of sex he was wanting from me so he needed to find it elsewhere - like that is an excuse. If anyone is/has gone thru something similiar, I sure would like some advice. Thanks!

[Ladyjane14]

Have you seen an attorney yet?

I can't imagine that the one-year separation rule allows for non-support of the family. And from what I've read, even states that insist on this rule have provisions for adultery which will speed the divorce process. You might gather some information on state-by-state laws from sites like divorcenet.com.

 

When these guys get mixed up in these adult sites, bad behavior becomes very quickly 'normalized'. And there's a certain amount of peer pressure to prove that he's REAL and not a poser. It's a really creepy lifestyle in the eyes of regular folks, but those involved in it don't tend to see it that way themselves. They rationalize their behavior much the way you've seen your WH (wayward husband) rationalize it. If he's not getting sex at home, he feels justified in his mind to get it elsewhere.

 

Possibly the best way to break through to him is to show him the true REALITY of his situation. That means that you don't sit percolating on the back-burner waiting for him to pull his head out of his hindquarters.

 

If you've gathered evidence of adultery, take it to your attorney. If you haven't, take steps NOW to get it. If this is your computer too, and you can afford to have someone retrieve his deleted files, get it done. Put it into transcripts. Get the detail records from his cell phone, so you can find out who he's been in contact with. (These people talk and talk and talk. They want to determine that the other person is real before they meet in person.) Get your bank statements. Look for motels and gas stations out of town.

 

Meantime, do get tested for STD's. Some of the people he may have had contact with are really indiscriminate...to the point of mental illness in a few cases.

 

Once you've started filing motions for support, I think you'll see REALITY breaking through. He'll be angry and say a bunch of rude things to you, but hey....what do you care? He's already mad anyway.

 

And if he CAN get himself together, the reality you present him with is only impetus.

[Pnutzmome]

I made an appt. with an attorney to discuss my options (and decide if I even like this attorney). Also made an appt. with my gyno (the 24th) to have a full STD panel run. Went looking/applying at an apt. this weekend after I changed the locks at the house so I felt secure being away from it for an extended amount of time - I feel like he walked away and possession is 9/10ths of the law, right?

 

I guess I am at the angry stage right now. Still shedding tears, still hurt because he can't seem to see that when all is said and done, there is no turning back. It is one thing to jerk me around, but it is another to drag the feelings of a child (plus his other 2) into it. I guess I will never understand the attraction to this "seedy side" of sex. I personally thought when you are married that the act of sex is something that is sacred to be shared with only your spouse - apparently it is just a sport to be shared with whomever wants to play. I can't handle that. Not in today's day and time. Not with my heart.

 

I pulled his bank statements online and it looks like most of his transactions have been in cash apparently save the online charges for the friend finder network. I never thought about trying to have someone retrieve any files from my computer. I need to somehow find out what email account he established as a contact account and see if I can see what he opened/read/deleted from our home computer. I will start calling around to find someone who can do this. Thank you for the advice.

[1Gravity]

Most geeks will perform the computer work you want for a small fee. I'm sorry to hear about your discovery. Perhaps there were other signs that there was trouble at home? Divorce sucks for your child. I read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and changed my mind about seperating, regardless of the circumstances.

 

Good luck!

 

1Gravity

[Guest]

I made an appt. with an attorney to discuss my options (and decide if I even like this attorney). Also made an appt. with my gyno (the 24th) to have a full STD panel run. Went looking/applying at an apt. this weekend after I changed the locks at the house so I felt secure being away from it for an extended amount of time - I feel like he walked away and possession is 9/10ths of the law, right?

 

I guess I am at the angry stage right now. Still shedding tears, still hurt because he can't seem to see that when all is said and done, there is no turning back. It is one thing to jerk me around, but it is another to drag the feelings of a child (plus his other 2) into it. I guess I will never understand the attraction to this "seedy side" of sex. I personally thought when you are married that the act of sex is something that is sacred to be shared with only your spouse - apparently it is just a sport to be shared with whomever wants to play. I can't handle that. Not in today's day and time. Not with my heart.

 

I pulled his bank statements online and it looks like most of his transactions have been in cash apparently save the online charges for the friend finder network. I never thought about trying to have someone retrieve any files from my computer. I need to somehow find out what email account he established as a contact account and see if I can see what he opened/read/deleted from our home computer. I will start calling around to find someone who can do this. Thank you for the advice.

 

Perhaps if you had made love more often and hadn't been so selfish he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.

[Melinlove]

I had those same issues when I first moved in with my now husband(of 3 years). I didn't care as much about year after my dd was born though there was one slutty chick he worked with and him and one of the other guys talked about going to a bar and then I found out she'd be going to and I told him I really rather he not spend time with her. That was the only time in the last 2 years that I even CARED what he did. Now I'm sure that I'm unhappy and want out of this marriage. Sure the baby got me over it but for what 2 years.

 

 

I don't know how to bring my issues up with my husband but I know I don't want to do it in a fight. I'd prefer to keep it civil for our daughters sake.

 

He still flirts and chats with girls at work these days but it doesn't bother me much because I have no cares or feelings left for him. He comes home late everyday he seems to take an hour and 15 minutes for a 15 to 30 minutes at most drive. I first really sunk in that I was VERY unhappy when I didn't care why he wasn't home one night. I got a call from his work in middle of the night looking for him and 45 minutes later he finally shows up.

 

I was always insecure he was "cheating" or just getting to envolved beyond friendly things.

 

I've also been dealing with the laziness and refusal to help around the house with chores and stuff. He used to tell me when I stayed home it was my "job". We argured over this to no end and he always said if I was working he'd help out. Now I've been working for about 6 months and even 50-60 hours for awhile there and NOTHING.

 

 

I can't afford a lawyer and don't know how to go about divorce. I'm scared to file ourselves as his mother is sooo controlling and manipulative that she'd probably try to talk him into trying for custody of a child he can hardly help with to begin with.

[Billy Bob]

Geeze,

 

Don't even believe he actually met anyone from those sites. I had an un-named buddy who tried meeting people on adult friend finder for like two years.. there are like 100 guys for every gal. My take is it is truly for pathetic horny men willing to shell out $20?/month for a fantasy to look at pictures.

 

On the other hand, it does sound like he is sexually frustrated.. So whats up? Are you ever intimate with your husband? Did he actually have an affair or screw anyone else? Or was he just talking about it.

 

Sex can be a real source of frustration for men in their marriage. If you always have a headache or are never in the mood... well, a guy can see that as you don't find him attractive anymore, wondering what is wrong with himself. Sex is a big part of a relationship for some people.

 

You may not understand how important it is to him because it may not be important to you. I know for a horny guy like me, once a month would not be tolerable, once a week even wouldn't cut it and I'm in my mid-thirties.

 

I imagine he has just given up on you and figures if your not interested someone else will be. I'd try to talk about it in marriage counseling if I were you. This may be a fixable problem.

 

Of course if you are done with him, just get a "Legal Seperation", which is almost as good as a divorce, legally seperates your finances and sets the stage for your divorce in a year.

 

Good luck.

[Trimmer]

He just gets a "free pass" to walk out, go out, do whatever he wants, while I maintain our home, pay bills, etc.; take our child back and forth to school, doctor's visits, work my full time job, AND pay all the medical insurance not just for our son but for his two kids from his first marriage also.

 

Is this kind of stuff already happening, or are you just assuming how your separation will work? If he is already failing to help pay bills, medical insurance premiums, and has truly walked out of your lives (and those of his two kids from his first marriage) then you definitely have a situation to see a lawyer about immediately to get things back under control.

 

On the other hand, if you are just starting out the separation and you are just fretting and unsure of how it all works, don't panic just yet (but still see the lawyer), because I'm pretty sure that the laws of any state will expect him to continue to share financial responsibility for his children. To avoid doing so is called "abandonment." And I would expect that you, individually, would not be at all legally responsible for his two kids from the earlier marriage, unless you adopted? (Not to say that you wouldn't feel a human responsibility to care for them if they have no other option...)

 

Is the mother of his 2 kids from the first marriage on the scene in any fashion? How old are they? They must be 11 or older... If their mother is not on the scene, and he walks away from them, that's astounding... Actually, walking away from kids is astounding either way. Maybe I'm reading your post wrong, maybe he hasn't done this yet, and you're just worrying that this might be the way it happens. But if he's really walking out on his kids, then this isn't a case of "oh, maybe you can get counseling and work on having a more intimate relationship", this is a guy with some deeper faults.

[Art_Critic]

I didn't know that real women to meet actually posted on AFF..

 

I have always thought those were guys posting as girls.. or fake tryout accounts..

 

That site is trash and I seriously doubt he is hooking up on it..The gold account gives you features that the others don't ..like who has viewed you..

 

You need to seek legal advice and go for a legal separation.. something tells me his gold membership is about to get revoked

[sugarplum]

Perhaps if you had made love more often and hadn't been so selfish he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.

 

I just got on this thread for the first time. I haven't decided how to respond to OP yet, but I must ask: WTF IS THIS s***??????

 

I am assuming/hoping OP is smart enough to totally disregard this remark!

[Guest]

I didn't know that real women to meet actually posted on AFF..

 

I have always thought those were guys posting as girls.. or fake tryout accounts..

 

That site is trash and I seriously doubt he is hooking up on it..The gold account gives you features that the others don't ..like who has viewed you..

 

You need to seek legal advice and go for a legal separation.. something tells me his gold membership is about to get revoked

 

 

Well apparently YES real women are on there. My husband claimed that he was just "chatting" with a girl as she stripped and she was in Russia or something. To me that constitutes cheating. If it were just watching I'd have not been as upset.

 

But YES real women are on those friend finder sites.

[Trimmer]

Sugar - this is called a "troll" - someone who doesn't have a real opinion or any investment in the discussion (note the 'guest' login) who clearly just wants to incite discord and anger. Note how in almost 2 months, no-one had even acknowleged or addressed that person's comment? That's the very best way to handle it; they want a reaction, and they will go away if they don't get it...

[Austin83]

Perhaps if you had made love more often and hadn't been so selfish he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.

 

While this is an extremely callous way to put it, the above statement is not entirely incorrect. Physical love (especially intercourse) is the single greatest connection between a husband and a wife, from the husband’s perspective. If a husband perceives his wife as uninterested in him physically, it is extremely damaging to all aspects of the relationship.

 

That being said, the OP never gave any information regarding the frequency of intercourse with her husband. Nor did she reveal how often he wanted it. Every man has different needs and desires. A couple must determine between themselves how often is often enough. A man cannot have unrealistic expectations of his wife, especially if she is working full time and raising children. However, it is very important that a wife not place sexual relations on the back burner just because she doesn't feel like doing it at the time. I have been on both sides of the fence with this issue. During my wife’s first pregnancy, she was absolutely insatiable. I would come home from work and immediately be jumped. I was often worn out from the day and sex was the last thing on my mind. However, I loved my wife, and it was obvious that she wanted sex, so I made myself get into it. Funny thing is, I always ended up enjoying it. However, when she was pregnant with our second child, she didn't even want me to look at her. Unfortunately for me, she didn't seem to share my feelings about "just doing it."

 

As for the problem at hand, I ALWAYS advise against divorce, unless there is physical or sexual abuse involved. Adultery is also a very serious issue for a marriage, but I don't believe it should be considered an instant deal breaker. I myself have dealt with adultery in my marriage. My wife slept with two different men in one week while I was out of town. She never did say exactly why she did it, and frankly I didn't care. They were both old friends of hers. One was an ex-boyfriend and one was the lead guitarist for her band. All I knew was that I loved my wife and loved my children. I forgave my wife for what she did, not fifteen seconds after she confessed to me. I am no expert on women by any means, and I don't know what drives a woman to be unfaithful. What I do know is that a lack of physical intimacy is a major factor in weather a man will remain faithful. I consider myself to be a very committed husband, and even I have been tempted during times of little intimacy.

 

To the OP, I don't want to try to blame your predicament on you. However, it almost always takes two to tango. Your husband needs a serious wake up call, and perhaps a separation will make him realize what he is about to lose. If he doesn't realize it and come to his senses, then you're probably better off splitting. No, it's not an ideal situation for the children, but neither is an unfaithful husband. I would, however, strongly recommend that you consider your part in this as well. Look at your day to day behavior toward your husband objectively, would there be any room for change? I STRONGLY recommend reading a book called "The Five Love Languages," and trying to get your husband to read it as well. I will leave you with one last thing to consider. Barring sexual addiction or other mental defect, a man who is getting everything he needs at home will almost never look elsewhere.