Alcoholic Parent

[JohnM]

It's a long post but If you can read and help I'd appreciate any input given. Hmm, where to start and what to say...

 

Well my mother has a drinking problem and this has been happening for must be at least 10 years now. At the start it was more a binge as it would just be on a Friday night when my Dad was at work.

 

It has steadily progressed over the years and has now gotten to an all time worst and I'm in need of some help and guidance on the issue. It progressed from 1 night to a few nights of the week when she goes on a bender as it were.

 

Recently its been Wednesday-Sunday. Since I moved out it's been pretty much my Dad having to cope with this as its just him, her and my sister living there. My Dad works long hours some days like 5am-10pm sometimes or 2-10. When he does end up coming home from work he has worked hard for the day and comes home tired to my mother unable to stand up as shes so drunk. I feel really bad for him as this just isn't on. I don't see how hes kept on going so long when shes like this.

 

My parents have been through alot together including the loss of my sister and my brother who was a baby. These combined with issues from my mothers youth may be why she drives herself to drinking but this doesn't explain why its been getting rapidly worse. She tends to go out to the shops and buys some god awful cheap cider late at night and drinks this until shes pissed.

 

When shes buying this she has snook out from the house and sneaks it back in with her and hides it somewhere and drinks it in the following few hours. I've tried so many times to stop her, usually finding it and pouring it away. We've also talked to her numerous times about the problem and gotten nowhere. Shes started going to bereavement councelling but this seems to be having little effect on her.

 

Its getting worse and I fear it will break up my parents as its been talked about, when shes drunk she is a liability and also completely different to the mother i love when shes sober.

 

It got to the worst stage its been at this week when I went home to see how things were going. On the Thursday, my Dad saw her coming back to the house with a bottle and got angry with her and talked to her about it, I poured the drink away for her. On the Friday my Dad was in work until 10 and I felt I could keep a watch on her, I heard her sneak away and caught her on the way back with the usual s***e cider, she fell as she saw me by the door and I helped her inside and poured it away.

 

She pleaded with me as usual not to tell my Dad when he got back, but her promises mean nothing to me now as they are always broken. I said I would be telling him and she went out of the room. I left her to it, needless to say when I saw her later that night when my Dad had come in she must have gone and bought another bottle after only hours earlier saying she would stop as she was drunk.

 

Last night it got to the worst I can remember, she was up to her usual tricks and was mildy tipsy during the day. By 7:00 i caught her again coming up to the house with a bottle of lambrini in hand which she had hidden in a bush at the bottom of the road, I caught her on the way in and took it away.

 

My Dad was obviously not going to take her out for a drink in the state she was in and refused her when she asked. Later that night around 11:00 she went out of the house and I didn't see her until after 12:00. Me and my older sister were waiting in and were worried about what may be happening. At around 1:15 I heard a car outside and my Dad shouted from his bedroom upstairs to go out to it. Outside I saw my mother unable to stand but being kept upright by the taxi driver who had brought her back to us. I took a gold of her and she was completely out of it, I had to carry her inside as she couldn't walk and wasn't even talking. I quickly found out when saying i'd go get the money for the fare that it had been paid for by a pub.

 

When inside I let her down onto the couch and my Dad came downstairs and saw the state she was in. My sister was standing near to the couch with her baby son in arms and was crying her eyes out, she thought she was dead. I took her into another room and my father carried my Mum up to bed.

 

Today as always my Mum carried on about the house as if nothing had happened as she always does. This pissed me off and I felt uncomfortable when she was around. She is being totally selfish, and is not paying and thought to the family around her trying to help but who are instead being hurt by her behaviour.

 

I'm lost as to where to go from here, so are my family. I thought I'd come and explain my situation in the hope that some of you out there can offer some advice.

 

Thanks for having the patience to read.

John

[Groovy]

Hi John, that is a hard thing to go through as a family. I think there are many that can relate. I strongly encourage you and other members of the family to go to Al-Anon where there will be a group that can identify and help you cope. If you prefer just go alone but offer it to your father as he is suffering too.

 

An important thing to realize is there is nothing you can do. The alcoholic must help himself. It is a hard reality when that person may literally drink themselves to the grave and you have to watch it happen. But you cannot keep an eye on an alcoholic every second and control where their hand reaches or what goes in their mouth. If they want a drink, they will find one. In their eyes they are only hurting themselves and unaware of the damage they do to others.

 

I have gone to support groups myself to grasp what it is and what is the way to cope with it. I stopped going since I realized what it is and what I can and can't do. I am more at peace with it since I understand more.

[Art_Critic]

The alcoholic must help himself.

 

While that is 100% true sometimes a push is needed to help the drunk realize how his actions affect others.

 

John.. Contact your local AA chapter and talk to them about setting up an intervention.. They will have a 12th stepper contact you and help you through that if that is what you and your family want to do.

They will even be present if you wish when you confront the alcoholic.

 

If setting up an intervention isn't your liking you and your family ( excluding your Mom ) could benefit from Alanon meetings..

 

They teach you how to regain your life back from the Alcoholic.

[Groovy]

Good advice art critic, I would recommend Al-Anon and intervention through AA both.

[JohnM]

Hmm, I'll suggest this to my Dad tomorrow.

 

Thanks for the replies so far peeps.

[Groovy]

Please let me know how it goes and good luck;)

[JohnM]

I found the AA meetings in the area and will pass the current list on. As far as the Al-Anon, their site is down I think, as they're building a new one. Will wait on that, got a few numbers so I'll try give em a call.

[JohnM]

Hmm, I've been without the internet for a while and got a chance to pop on for tonight. Since I was last on she's gotten worse and she's tending to go on week long binges drinking absolute rubbish like Frosty Jacks, other cheap ciders and Lambrini. If she buys cans she pours them into one big bottle and tries to hide them around the house or even in our road which means our neighbours see her staggering about.

 

She'll be pissed all week and she doesn't eat, while like this she pretty much walks around the house like a zombie she won't listen or talk to you and at times shes very abusive and physical and has hit me a few times. Although it doesn't hurt its the fact that she does it and that shes such a different person shen shes like this.

 

We got together as a family while she was sober imbetween binges and had a good talk with her for about 3 hours and told her how she was, how it was affecting us and tried to see how she felt. Throughout most she seemed to be retreating into defence against us and simply nodded or said nothing. We got her to go to an A.A. meeting but after the one she went to she said she wouldn't go again, she's goes on about the people there not being like her and shes pretty much in denial that shes as bad as they are. She does however know she has a problem but thinks she can get through it alone even though she must know she can't. She states she doesn't want to talk to anyone about it and is against the idea of A.A. or going into a specialist place for this. Since she herself has to be the one to do this, theres not much else we as a family can do and its only getting worse.

 

My Dad has been to Al-Anon meetings but didn't get any advice that can really help us at the moment. Once again I'm at a loss as to what to do, my Dad had been to the solicitors to find out his rights and has said to us that if she doesn't make an effort when she next sobers up that hes had enough and that he'll get a divorce. I can sympathise with him as being home over the summer has been more work than rest with me unable to relax for thinking about what my Mum is doing every hour of the day. My Dad works long hard days and has to come home to my Mother staggering about the house drunk being abusive and annoying.

 

Any help once again will be greatly appreciated, forgive any lateness of my replies after tomorrow as I will have to check back here on a library computer.

 

Thanks in advance

John

[dgiirl]

Oh JohnM, I'm really heart broken to hear your story. I grew up with an alcoholic father and can relate to many of the things you wrote. Thankfully, he never went on complete binges for days, but it was every weekend and enough to scar me emotionally as a child. There were times where he was really bad, and that my mom contemplated leaving, and as a child, I empathized with my mother. It's such a hard thing to want your mother to leave your father, even tho you love your father. But all you want is peace in the home. However, once he retired, he gave it up cold turkey, and I'm quite proud of his accomplishment.

 

I think your father really needs to take a stand, before he loses all his love for her completely. Maybe if she realizes the effect it truely is having on your father, that he's ready to leave her, and if he can just watch from a far, maybe she'll snap out of it and want to seek help. But if he waits too long, all the love inside of him will be destroyed, and even if she does get better, it'll be too late. If he loves her, he has to do it now.

[JohnM]

She knows too well how its effecting my Dad, she also knows hes been to see a solicitor. Hes tried to talk to her on a number of occasions and tried to get her to seek help.

 

He'll take a stand any day of the week but what he can do different is where we're out of options. Thanks for replying though

[dgiirl]

The only other thing I can suggest is recording her voice or video tapping her and making her watch when she's sober. Although that had very little affect on my father and it just upset him. If i knew the answer, my dad would have quit a long time ago. Sadly, he needed to grow up and learn on his own.

[JohnM]

We were thinking of recording her, Our video cameras broke though. Maybe I'll see if I can lend one next time she goes off on one again. Whether or not I get the chance to make a difference is another matter though.