Second Chance?

[relbod]

Hi! I have read through many of the posts and have gained some great insight and understanding of what I am feeling and what others have and are going through...I am pondering my current situation that I have just experienced and am currently working through at this time. I was debating if I should throw out my situation and see what responses I get from it and trying to really truly think if I can or could handle the advice and responses. Of course since I am writing this post I have decided to get some advice, opinions and feedback on my situation and try to understand my current mind set...

 

Here is goes....Alittle background information ~ I am a single Father of 3 wonderful children and have been going through seperation and divorce for the past 2 years.. Last year I decided to start dating and move away from any hope of reconcilation with my spouse as she had already moved on and was out experiencing the life she desired. I started dating in Jan/Feb of 2005...It started out well and I went on a few dates and trying to figure out who I was again and what I wanted. I was married for 9 years and was with my spouse for 13 years and had a house, career, 3 kids, SUV and the whole package...I dealt with the break up of my marriage for 1 1/2 years trying to fix it and repair what was wrong and realized that I could not make someone love me and I was only responsible for myself and what I had to bring to the table... Anyways, I dated and had many great experiences..I never committed to a serious relationship as I was not truly ready and was truly over my deep feelings for my spouse..but pushed forward anyways trying to move ahead and not get stuck in a rut..I have and had a hard time letting go of my marriage..but move forward anyways...I had relationships but not truly relationships as I could not truly commit 100% to a relationship...And I was up front and honest with those that I dated and told them where I was at in the middle of the road...Some liked it and some did not and they went along the way...So now to the point of my post...

 

In July of 2005 on July 18th, 2005 I met a very special and interesting woman and the minute I saw her I knew that it was something different...We hit it off great!! I had not felt the way she made me feel since I had met my spouse.. On our date we talked and talk..kissed and kissed.. had a great connection...We hit it off very well and started on this relationship...We had similar experiences.. she has 3 children and our oldest child is born within 1 day apart and we even had children with the same name...We shared many things in common and all. Everything was great and we introduced our children and things seem to be going well.. But I realized that I was just jumping into this relationship without taking care of my own issues..I still had deep rooted issues for my spouse.. She was still dealing with her divorce and I was at well...We lived 90 miles apart and could really only see each other during the weekend and tried atleast 1 day during the week which was difficult as the commute was very hard dure to my job... So on the chemistry level, friendship level, passion, values, ect we all matched...I had an issue arise with our children in which her middle child was stand off towards me and protective of her mother and was afraid I was going to hurt her mom as her ex was a nut case and abused n hit their mom and they are afraid of men..I was cautious with her children as I did not want to play the kid card and be superman.. My middle daughter had some issues with her and we look to work on them...

 

I held back from her children and looked to focus on the relationship/friendship with their Mom and build a good foundation..In that foundation I realized I was not truly ready to date or be in a committed relationship but knew that she was a great woman and had matched what I desired 110%...But I was honest in my feelings and I told her that I was in the middle of the road and that I needed to step back as we where GF/BF from July through middle of Oct 2005... I actually got caught talking with another woman and tried to lie about it.. but confessed and told her where I was at and that I loved her and cared for her but needed to resolve these issues.. I told her I wanted to give her 100% but at this time I could not~~ I was in the middle of the road...So we took a break but still did things every month as a family and her and I would go out on dates and be together...We had what I guess you could say was an open relationship...I told her to see other people and I would see other people and work through this time and still build our friendship and relationship...And we did... We would talk 3 or 4 times a day and have in-dept conversations and talk about life and had great interactions and all...She told me she was in love with me and I told her I loved her too..That just to be patient and we will work through this... We build a strong relationship/friendship...She and I worked very well together and everything was going fine until February 2006...

 

I knew her feelings for me and I kept it open and honest and real...she would tell me the following:

 

My heart hurts.....I am being honest. You can't imagine my feelings for you. And the more I try to move on and see the grass on the other side...the more I am falling in love with you. I find that with our true honesty with each other...my respect grows too.

You are incredible.

And to tell you the truth.......... I have never loved like this.

This is a different kind of love. Not infatuation- comfort & convenience love. ( me & ex)

I think this is a true, real love. Very unconditional. I love you no matter what. But don't get me wrong. I will not allow myself to be treated like I don't matter. I have more respect for myself. I love what we have....and I trust my heart.

You are that missing piece . When we are together...I am whole.

I can be me...no pretending..or safety nets.

 

anyways off to a lunch date with Jennifer. I'll give her a hug for you...hahaha.

Just telling you my feelings....

I love you....and I am blessed by it.

Thank you for being you.

[COLOR=#ff007f]your goat-roper.[/COLOR]

 

So my point is she told me she was okay with where we are at and we both went on dates and saw other people.. She even told me she was done looking for the perfect mate that she has me and she was going to wait and hold on to what we shared... I told her to just give me alittle more time... Which was a mistake on my part as I realized that she wasd hurting more than she was telling me.. We spent 5 days together in December for her birthday and she was ontop of the world but I come to find out now she was hurting inside wondering why I did not love her in return.. And I told her all the way through that I loved her very much and cared for her but wanted to be honest and real..That I had to work through these feelings for my ex and sow my oats alittle... I know it is selfish and I took her for granit...But I thought that being open, honest and trustful with my feelings with her and all that we could work through this as the relationship/chemistry that we shared was at a totally different level...But I was blind to what I actually had and ignored it..I was actually afraid that if I committed to another person I would lose a chance in getting back with my ex... I admitted that to her and told her about that.. Anyways I am rambling on.. So I came to reality the end of January and made the plan on Valentines day to ask her to be in a commited relationship..I had planned a special day for V day... And I sent her flowers the Friday before V day and she called me telling me how romantic that I am and that I made her smile...I tried to get together with her over the weekend and she did not answer her cell phone...Then I recieved a vm saying she was at the beach with her kids and had no cell phone coverage and that all was fine do not worry..ect.. She showed up to my house on her way back home from the beach and surprised me and I was soo excited to see her but she would not stay as she had her kids with her and all..I asked her to be my GF and she said yes but she needed sometime...some "SPACE" ~ I was taken back and all..but I trusted her as that is one thing we shared...trust..no lies..no deception..keep it real... so in that event we spent V day with our kids and not together...I called her the day after V day and told her my intentions and she listen and brought questions to the table and we discussed them about our kids, the distance, ect... And then she disappeared..Her children got sick and she had to attend to them...I drove to her house and she was gone and I ran into her Mother in which she said "she told you to give her space" so I was now wondering what was going on...I trusted her and she told me not to be insecure..trust her that she is doing things for a reason.. if she doesn't call do not worry..it will be okay...So then she got very ill and got evicted from her house and was in a bad spot...She would call me or anything and I offered assistance I helped her get into a new place for her kids and help with bills and did what I could from afar as we lived 90 miles apart... I gave her space and did not call...I would call maybe once a week just to check on her to make sure all was good...She told me she loved me and missed me...And then maybe then after March 7 2006 was the last time I spoke with her on the phone..she was painting her new place and we talked in the morning and that evening.. And then I did not hear from her for over 2 weeks... I called a couple of times and texted messaged.. Nothing.. No response... I called her brother and said she was very sick... So I waited another week and then drove to her house and she had already moved and I called from a local pay phone and she did not answer..I then remember where her new place was from her description and found her new place...I was very concerned and was not tripped out...I knocked on the door and she answered and she hugged me...She said she was sorry but she had a new guy and was living with him...That she was sorry and was wondering if I was going to tear up the house and wig out..I actually was very calm and told her that I was not her BF and that I did not own her... I told her that I cared for her very much and loved her. That I was there cause I was concerned and knew something was not right and wanted to get an answer...She said she would have done the same thing in coming to her house and finding her... I was actually in shock cause I did trust her and did not think she would have done what she did... I asked her what had happen and she said that she met another guy and that he is good to the kids and that her kids loved him and that he accepted her family and all... I told her that we discussed the family and kids situation..I said I was sorry that she felt I did not care for her children she knew how good of father I was and seen me with the kids before.. But she said several times her kids love the new guy and she had only been with him maybe a month.. 1 1/2 and I asked her why she did not tell me sooner.. why did she lead me on and when I asked her she did not tell me.. She said she screwed up and was sorry.. she told me to tell her she was a pice of sh*t and I said no... I was very calm and asked her if we could work on it and told her again my heart and my intentions...She said she was not sure..That she was sick and could not deal with this and that I needed to go before the other guy came home...I knew that she had already made her choice.. That this guy was local and could fill the needs she needed at that time with being there to help with the kids and her kids n family liked him... I asked her if she loved him and she says I love certain things about him... That is is safe and she is able to control it and hide things behind it that she said she was not really nice to him.. she said with me she could feel safe, secure and be herself and not hide...but I was far away.. I discussed how we could work on that and told her I was over my feelings for my ex and all that stuff... That I was here to be committed and provide for her and her family...

 

So here I am and she just truly broke my heart as I had broken her heart.. She had moved a man into her house that I could tell she did not love as she loved me but did it for the well being of her family and children.. which I think is crazy in moving someone in after a month who actually lived with his mother and all.. I will not go into that.. But I was providing for her and doing the best I could at the time from afar..I knew she wanted someone consistent in her life everyday and I told her that would take some time and doing as I have a solid career where I lived and all.. we had to work on those logistics... So she said give her two weeks and I said okay..but you already moved this man into your house and the last thing you are going to do is cause your children more heart ache as they have been through enough...I told her she is going to take the easy way out and let me go...But I told her remember what we built over the past 8 months and what we shared and all.. What we can build together and she says I know and I am confused... So I went away and I wrote a 32 page hand written note explaining my feelings, positions and giving my apologies for my part... And here is the last contact I recieved from her...

 

hi good morning..........

 

I'm finally better..not totally well. But function-able.

 

I came in and read this letter you wrote to me.( today..right now)

 

wow.

 

I first of all have to comment about how well written it was. You have a great sense of transcribing what you are truly feeling and thinking to simple blue words.......and that other person at the other end, totally understands , feels, gets it.....

 

yes...I understand everything you said...and learned a few things too. Things are what I have chosen...but not because I wanted to hurt you...THAT was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

I screwed up..... you screwed up. We both hurt each other.

But no matter what I will have a special place in my heart for you. And the memories are priceless.........they make me smile.....laugh. still.

 

We are what we are. I accept you for everything you are and them some....

I do love you..... But I have chosen this thing with new guy right now for the time being. Not because he is better or anything like that.( no comparison) But yes...because it is safe....and everything is for a reason. My choice is for a reason......trust me.

You know me....boy do you know me. That I do know. We have a very different deep bond...I can't explain it.

Right now my relationship is not my focus. Saving this company is......#1.

My kids are good.....#2

 

Life is so incredible and yes beautiful..when we are hurting and suffering. Even at times when Joe was throwing me out of a car or something terrible..I always have kept my faith in God and believe in my heart that life is beautiful........no matter what.

 

OK so now I am rambling on and on.......I don't make sense....sorry.

 

keep your faith , love yourself, love your babies....and life.

love always,

 

XXXXXX

 

I did not respond to this email.. she has not called..she text message me in regards to a tax question and I emailed her a couple of jokes.. just to keep normal contact...

 

Now to my question...I know that I received my answer that she has chosen this thing with the new guy... But did she tell me for the time being to be nice... to hold the door open or is there a chance? We shared alot of great things together and it was great... she held me out for a month not wanting to tell me as she did not want to hurt me but she did...I have been through many things in my life and I know with her she is worth all that I have given over the past 7 months and we have such a dynamic relationship that things would work out for the future..I know that if she truly loved me she would not have done this..but we are all human and with kids and all we do things we do not want to do at times.. It is still not an excuse... but I truly care and love this woman and her kids and know that if another opportunity was availbale we could make it truly work as we have a great understanding and bond with each other...

 

So should I do the NC and see what happens? My common sense says to run..but my heart and mind says to be patient... Any advice? any comments?

 

Thanks