Seond chance? Hear my story

April 10, 2006

Hi! I have read through many of the posts and have gained some great insight and understanding of what I am feeling and what others have and are going through...I am pondering my current situation that I have just experienced and am currently working through at this time. I was debating if I should throw out my situation and see what responses I get from it and trying to really truly think if I can or could handle the advice and responses. Of course since I am writing this post I have decided to get some advice, opinions and feedback on my situation and try to understand my current mind set...

Here is goes....Alittle background information ~ I am a single Father of 3 wonderful children and have been going through seperation and divorce for the past 2 years.. Last year I decided to start dating and move away from any hope of reconcilation with my spouse as she had already moved on and was out experiencing the life she desired. I started dating in Jan/Feb of 2005...It started out well and I went on a few dates and trying to figure out who I was again and what I wanted. I was married for 9 years and was with my spouse for 13 years and had a house, career, 3 kids, SUV and the whole package...I dealt with the break up of my marriage for 1 1/2 years trying to fix it and repair what was wrong and realized that I could not make someone love me and I was only responsible for myself and what I had to bring to the table... Anyways, I dated and had many great experiences..I never committed to a serious relationship as I was not truly ready and was truly over my deep feelings for my spouse..but pushed forward anyways trying to move ahead and not get stuck in a rut..I have and had a hard time letting go of my marriage..but move forward anyways...I had relationships but not truly relationships as I could not truly commit 100% to a relationship...And I was up front and honest with those that I dated and told them where I was at in the middle of the road...Some liked it and some did not and they went along the way...So now to the point of my post...

In July of 2005 on July 18th, 2005 I met a very special and interesting woman and the minute I saw her I knew that it was something different...We hit it off great!! I had not felt the way she made me feel since I had met my spouse.. On our date we talked and talk..kissed and kissed.. had a great connection...We hit it off very well and started on this relationship...We had similar experiences.. she has 3 children and our oldest child is born within 1 day apart and we even had children with the same name...We shared many things in common and all. Everything was great and we introduced our children and things seem to be going well.. But I realized that I was just jumping into this relationship without taking care of my own issues..I still had deep rooted issues for my spouse.. She was still dealing with her divorce and I was at well...We lived 90 miles apart and could really only see each other during the weekend and tried atleast 1 day during the week which was difficult as the commute was very hard dure to my job... So on the chemistry level, friendship level, passion, values, ect we all matched...I had an issue arise with our children in which her middle child was stand off towards me and protective of her mother and was afraid I was going to hurt her mom as her ex was a nut case and abused n hit their mom and they are afraid of men..I was cautious with her children as I did not want to play the kid card and be superman.. My middle daughter had some issues with her and we look to work on them...

I held back from her children and looked to focus on the relationship/friendship with their Mom and build a good foundation..In that foundation I realized I was not truly ready to date or be in a committed relationship but knew that she was a great woman and had matched what I desired 110%...But I was honest in my feelings and I told her that I was in the middle of the road and that I needed to step back as we where GF/BF from July through middle of Oct 2005... I actually got caught talking with another woman and tried to lie about it.. but confessed and told her where I was at and that I loved her and cared for her but needed to resolve these issues.. I told her I wanted to give her 100% but at this time I could not~~ I was in the middle of the road...So we took a break but still did things every month as a family and her and I would go out on dates and be together...We had what I guess you could say was an open relationship...I told her to see other people and I would see other people and work through this time and still build our friendship and relationship...And we did... We would talk 3 or 4 times a day and have in-dept conversations and talk about life and had great interactions and all...She told me she was in love with me and I told her I loved her too..That just to be patient and we will work through this... We build a strong relationship/friendship...She and I worked very well together and everything was going fine until February 2006...

I knew her feelings for me and I kept it open and honest and real...she would tell me the following:

My heart hurts.....I am being honest. You can't imagine my feelings for you. And the more I try to move on and see the grass on the other side...the more I am falling in love with you. I find that with our true honesty with each other...my respect grows too.

You are incredible.

And to tell you the truth.......... I have never loved like this.

This is a different kind of love. Not infatuation- comfort & convenience love. ( me & ex)

I think this is a true, real love. Very unconditional. I love you no matter what. But don't get me wrong. I will not allow myself to be treated like I don't matter. I have more respect for myself. I love what we have....and I trust my heart.

You are that missing piece . When we are together...I am whole.

I can be me...no pretending..or safety nets.

anyways off to a lunch date with Jennifer. I'll give her a hug for you...hahaha.

Just telling you my feelings....

I love you....and I am blessed by it.

Thank you for being you.

[COLOR=#ff007f]your goat-roper.[/COLOR]

So my point is she told me she was okay with where we are at and we both went on dates and saw other people.. She even told me she was done looking for the perfect mate that she has me and she was going to wait and hold on to what we shared... I told her to just give me alittle more time... Which was a mistake on my part as I realized that she wasd hurting more than she was telling me.. We spent 5 days together in December for her birthday and she was ontop of the world but I come to find out now she was hurting inside wondering why I did not love her in return.. And I told her all the way through that I loved her very much and cared for her but wanted to be honest and real..That I had to work through these feelings for my ex and sow my oats alittle... I know it is selfish and I took her for granit...But I thought that being open, honest and trustful with my feelings with her and all that we could work through this as the relationship/chemistry that we shared was at a totally different level...But I was blind to what I actually had and ignored it..I was actually afraid that if I committed to another person I would lose a chance in getting back with my ex... I admitted that to her and told her about that.. Anyways I am rambling on.. So I came to reality the end of January and made the plan on Valentines day to ask her to be in a commited relationship..I had planned a special day for V day... And I sent her flowers the Friday before V day and she called me telling me how romantic that I am and that I made her smile...I tried to get together with her over the weekend and she did not answer her cell phone...Then I recieved a vm saying she was at the beach with her kids and had no cell phone coverage and that all was fine do not worry..ect.. She showed up to my house on her way back home from the beach and surprised me and I was soo excited to see her but she would not stay as she had her kids with her and all..I asked her to be my GF and she said yes but she needed sometime...some "SPACE" ~ I was taken back and all..but I trusted her as that is one thing we shared...trust..no lies..no deception..keep it real... so in that event we spent V day with our kids and not together...I called her the day after V day and told her my intentions and she listen and brought questions to the table and we discussed them about our kids, the distance, ect... And then she disappeared..Her children got sick and she had to attend to them...I drove to her house and she was gone and I ran into her Mother in which she said "she told you to give her space" so I was now wondering what was going on...I trusted her and she told me not to be insecure..trust her that she is doing things for a reason.. if she doesn't call do not worry..it will be okay...So then she got very ill and got evicted from her house and was in a bad spot...She would call me or anything and I offered assistance I helped her get into a new place for her kids and help with bills and did what I could from afar as we lived 90 miles apart... I gave her space and did not call...I would call maybe once a week just to check on her to make sure all was good...She told me she loved me and missed me...And then maybe then after March 7 2006 was the last time I spoke with her on the phone..she was painting her new place and we talked in the morning and that evening.. And then I did not hear from her for over 2 weeks... I called a couple of times and texted messaged.. Nothing.. No response... I called her brother and said she was very sick... So I waited another week and then drove to her house and she had already moved and I called from a local pay phone and she did not answer..I then remember where her new place was from her description and found her new place...I was very concerned and was not tripped out...I knocked on the door and she answered and she hugged me...She said she was sorry but she had a new guy and was living with him...That she was sorry and was wondering if I was going to tear up the house and wig out..I actually was very calm and told her that I was not her BF and that I did not own her... I told her that I cared for her very much and loved her. That I was there cause I was concerned and knew something was not right and wanted to get an answer...She said she would have done the same thing in coming to her house and finding her... I was actually in shock cause I did trust her and did not think she would have done what she did... I asked her what had happen and she said that she met another guy and that he is good to the kids and that her kids loved him and that he accepted her family and all... I told her that we discussed the family and kids situation..I said I was sorry that she felt I did not care for her children she knew how good of father I was and seen me with the kids before.. But she said several times her kids love the new guy and she had only been with him maybe a month.. 1 1/2 and I asked her why she did not tell me sooner.. why did she lead me on and when I asked her she did not tell me.. She said she screwed up and was sorry.. she told me to tell her she was a pice of sh*t and I said no... I was very calm and asked her if we could work on it and told her again my heart and my intentions...She said she was not sure..That she was sick and could not deal with this and that I needed to go before the other guy came home...I knew that she had already made her choice.. That this guy was local and could fill the needs she needed at that time with being there to help with the kids and her kids n family liked him... I asked her if she loved him and she says I love certain things about him... That is is safe and she is able to control it and hide things behind it that she said she was not really nice to him.. she said with me she could feel safe, secure and be herself and not hide...but I was far away.. I discussed how we could work on that and told her I was over my feelings for my ex and all that stuff... That I was here to be committed and provide for her and her family...

So here I am and she just truly broke my heart as I had broken her heart.. She had moved a man into her house that I could tell she did not love as she loved me but did it for the well being of her family and children.. which I think is crazy in moving someone in after a month who actually lived with his mother and all.. I will not go into that.. But I was providing for her and doing the best I could at the time from afar..I knew she wanted someone consistent in her life everyday and I told her that would take some time and doing as I have a solid career where I lived and all.. we had to work on those logistics... So she said give her two weeks and I said okay..but you already moved this man into your house and the last thing you are going to do is cause your children more heart ache as they have been through enough...I told her she is going to take the easy way out and let me go...But I told her remember what we built over the past 8 months and what we shared and all.. What we can build together and she says I know and I am confused... So I went away and I wrote a 32 page hand written note explaining my feelings, positions and giving my apologies for my part... And here is the last contact I recieved from her...

hi good morning..........

I'm finally better..not totally well. But function-able.

I came in and read this letter you wrote to me.( today..right now)

wow.

I first of all have to comment about how well written it was. You have a great sense of transcribing what you are truly feeling and thinking to simple blue words.......and that other person at the other end, totally understands , feels, gets it.....

yes...I understand everything you said...and learned a few things too. Things are what I have chosen...but not because I wanted to hurt you...THAT was the last thing I wanted to do.

I screwed up..... you screwed up. We both hurt each other.

But no matter what I will have a special place in my heart for you. And the memories are priceless.........they make me smile.....laugh. still.

We are what we are. I accept you for everything you are and them some....

I do love you..... But I have chosen this thing with new guy right now for the time being. Not because he is better or anything like that.( no comparison) But yes...because it is safe....and everything is for a reason. My choice is for a reason......trust me.

You know me....boy do you know me. That I do know. We have a very different deep bond...I can't explain it.

Right now my relationship is not my focus. Saving this company is......#1.

My kids are good.....#2

Life is so incredible and yes beautiful..when we are hurting and suffering. Even at times when Joe was throwing me out of a car or something terrible..I always have kept my faith in God and believe in my heart that life is beautiful........no matter what.

OK so now I am rambling on and on.......I don't make sense....sorry.

keep your faith , love yourself, love your babies....and life.

love always,

XXXXXX

I did not respond to this email.. she has not called..she text message me in regards to a tax question and I emailed her a couple of jokes.. just to keep normal contact...

Now to my question...I know that I received my answer that she has chosen this thing with the new guy... But did she tell me for the time being to be nice... to hold the door open or is there a chance? We shared alot of great things together and it was great... she held me out for a month not wanting to tell me as she did not want to hurt me but she did...I have been through many things in my life and I know with her she is worth all that I have given over the past 7 months and we have such a dynamic relationship that things would work out for the future..I know that if she truly loved me she would not have done this..but we are all human and with kids and all we do things we do not want to do at times.. It is still not an excuse... but I truly care and love this woman and her kids and know that if another opportunity was availbale we could make it truly work as we have a great understanding and bond with each other...

So should I do the NC and see what happens? My common sense says to run..but my heart and mind says to be patient... Any advice? any comments?

Thanks

April 10, 2006

Read my guide to second chances. It should help you decide what you need to do.

April 10, 2006

There was an element of being played by her that I see, that seems obvious ...but you did take far too long to come to terms with the finality of your divorce.

That's what began the pause with this woman -and actually clinched it for her.

Look, she also had obvious need for a male provider, -which- you were pegged for (I suspect) -but I also do believe, (judging by your post info) that she did love you.

You both screwed up: she, for giving in to the (possibly) ongoing dependence on a man for financial survival and choosing the most available one around ( the new guy)...and you, for keeping your focus on a woman (ex-wife) you had already divorced and should have, by now, accepted as a dead issue (divorce=it's over).....not to mention the consequences of that which caused you to cut your own throat with this woman by dragging your feet on making a stronger commitment to her.

She let you know the new guy was 'temporary' because, in fact, he is, -and she already knows that in her gut, and told you as much.

She, I think, only let him in for whatever he offered in possible support to her young family...-and, no, I'm not forgetting that she's getting something out of it by sleeping with him, too.

But she seems to already know he is a mistake for not only the main reason she let him in, -but for reliable emotional support and comfort, as well.

He'll be gone soon enough.

She just happen to need him at the time, she figured you were just stringing her along, anyway, so, she thought, "What the h*ll...?"

So she did it.

I really don't think either one of you need to point hateful fingers at each other over any of this, though...I actually think the two of you could make a go of it, based on just what you've posted.

She's not a bad girl, -you're not a bad guy...it's just that neither one of you have very good timing: she's having to jump too quick to gain a provider and you are holding back far too long because you think your ex-wife is going to suddenly come running back to patch up everything... (and my friend, chances are -that's not gonna happen!)

I believe that she'd have rather have had you...she may have just been forced by financial issues to accept the new guy, -which, by the way, is sad because I hate to see women getting into relationships simply because they need a provider (education can change that, you know: it equals a paying job that equals rent money, a car payment, and food on the table...maybe she needs some direction with that.)

I don't know whether you feel you are in any position to change things around, or whether you want to wait this one out to see if the new guy winds up leaving sooner than later, -but no matter what you decide to do, I recommend, meanwhile, just lying low and giving things time to unfold naturally.

This will also give you more time (since you like giving yourself lots of time...smile)to be certain of how you have felt, how you feel now, and where you actually want to be emotionally: in love, (with her or somebody else) -or alone (and with whomever you choose.)

And that can mean all the difference between peace of mind -or hell on earth.

Give it it's due.

Note: No matter what you choose, Relbod, I read you as a very sensible, and caring person...enough intelligence to make a reasonable decision...careful that you make it with your head, -not so much with your heart, this time.

Take care.

-Rio

April 11, 2006

Rio...

I admit that I did hold on for too long and wait too long.. we both screwed up on it as she told me she just wanted me to go through the emotions and allowed herself to be 2nd and not 1st..I took granit of it and I admit for holding on too long..but I told her and let her know how my heart really felt and I did not want to lie and not be honest as we both have children and have alot of other elements to consider. I told her that she was special and that I love her..I treated her with respect and we never once argued or anything we had a solid frienship and relationship...We were really close but I understood that she wanted a man with her in her house everyday..I provided $$financial support$$ to her even when she did not want it as she was being evicted from her house and had bill collectors after her.. she told me that she was in a bad spot but did not want my money but my love, mentorship and support.. but she was in a tight spot and all I could offer from being far away was that $$ support.. The gentleman she is with right now works in a local super market as the meat man making min wage and has no health benifts and lived with his mom before she came along. This is what she told me and I told her that I know we have a solid relationship that we built over these past 7 to 8 months and I know that I took my sweet time but I can provide and help her start her business and help her not to struggle...I have been blessed with being a great provider and I am very sensible and I knew getting involved with her the cicumstances of her situation...But her only thing that sits in my head is she kept saying her kids love the new guy..the kids love him... And I said I understand that and I cannot compete if you want to call it that by being there everyday like this gentleman..I cannot come home from lunch from the local store as I have a job that is 90 miles away and that provides very well...I cannot be with you to cuddle on the couch every night.. But I told her we can work on that and make things better than they are...But I cannot stand around and be treated like I do not matter and be okay with this man living in the same house...I told her she just met this guy only a month ago and now he is in the house and the kids want to call him Dad..she told me she yelled at him and the kids for that as she said they already have a Dad..But my point of this is the guy is not for $$ reasons... It is cause as she said 'safe' and that it makes everyone else happy right now and she doesn't want to cause her kids more pain as they been through enough...

I am rambling now... but my point is I know he cannot provide really any $$ as he has a 13 year daughter he pays child support for and a car payment and works at a local grocery store.. Not to compare or put the man down and I even told her that I will not talk bad about the guy..but I wanted to lay out the facts as I told her I care about her and that you have to look long term and I told her that I am for the long term..I can provide and bring alot to the table..I told her I am not just wanting to provide so she would be dependent on me but that I want to help her get her business started and she has struggled for so many years and she deserves to be provided for and helped out with and not always feeling like she has to suffer due to her circumstances... I realize a woman needs to be independent from a man and that she needs to be able to support herself...I do not use it against them by no means as I will and never asked for anything in return from her othern than what she gave me and that was her love and accepting me for who I was and I blew it with her and wish to somehow and someway get the opportunity to make things right...

At this time I just have to wait and keep NC ~ I guess as I know that when I call it caused her problems and I just wonder if she can just shut me off like that and walk away as she has... I do not know I really care for her and know what we had was REAL and I blew it and she blew it...I do not understand the guy just coming in and living with her.. That is just crazy in my mind.. but I do not know... I do trust her even though she hurt me with this guy and not telling me about it way before I let my heart drop to my sleeve... But it is a life lesson and I know that what we do posses when we are together is real and worth more than goal.. I know there is alot of fish in the sea.. but to me it is more than just a person to lay with next to in bed.. it is true companinship, security, trust and respect.. we are all human and make mistakes...

April 11, 2006

Relbod,

With the further info you've given, it appears she may simply, then, be looking for a male figure for the home...someone to fill up the empty space she has grown accustomed to from her marriage...although, I am very aware from your previous post that it was an abusive and violent relationship with her husband...who was also, I assume, the father of her children.

So she's filling the male role with whomever is available.

The children have been obviously affected, as well, from their experiences of living in an environment with violent behavior between their parents....they may have the same yearning (ironically, but understandably) for a dominant male in the home.

I am still glad, for their sake, that the new guy is not abusive, like their father.

It's all heartbreaking, actually.

Especially, the part about them wanting to call him 'Dad' after knowing him for only a short time.

It's also strange. I want to ask you, -where did this man appear from? And do you know, for a fact, that he has only just recently appeared?

Those are questions that you should know, and will probably discover in time, if you choose to keep the door open to the possibility of renewing this relationship.

I'm still recommending that you assume your apparent natural resistance to jump into anything, and just for now, -wait and see what happens.

P.S. And Relbod, will you do something for me? (Laughing) Will you break up your posts into paragraphs so I can read them better?

(Smile)

-Rio

April 11, 2006

It's nice to know there are some really honest guys out there...even if it did take you awhile to figure things out. But that's just the way it needed to happen for you to realize your true feelings, so don't beat yourself up about it. I'd keep a very low profile and let her new relationship run it's natural course - when and if she's ready, she'll come to back to you on her own.

April 11, 2006

Thank you for your input and advice...

I know that she did not do it for $$ reasons as I was already assisting with that area and told her not to take the easy way out of this situation by staying with this new guy...I told her that I understood she wanted someone to be there for her and her children and that I could not provide that at this time due to my career is 90 miles away and some planning, thinking and commitment has to be established before that is looked upon. She is trying to start her own business in which I told her to let me help and provide while she can focus on her business and building her career and let me take care of the other struggles as she was evicted from her place in which I helped her get a new place and I got rid of the bill collectors and all. I think this new guy played the kid card and her children have been through enough and the guy gave them the attention and she went with it as it made everyone else happy. I mean she told me with our relationship she did not have to put any walls up, felt comfortable, safe and could be her without any walls... I told her then why you staying with this guy and she told me cause it is safe and my relationship is not her focus at this time..I am like well I do not really agree as you have a new guy in your house around your kids and in your bed..I mean we have 7 months together and built what I thought was something solid and going somewhere and maybe the timing was not right but does it not count for anything? And she said your not listening and do not udnersand.. she goes I hear what your saying and understand it and learned a few things..but I have chose what I chose for a reason...trust me... I was like I did trust you and what you did was way out of the realm of what I thought.. I told her I do not own you and never want to.. but I want to be that solid partner for you and I had to take care of my issues.. She said you broke my heart and I told her and you broke my heart... But again she says her kids love this guy and I am like you have only known the guys for a motnh or 2 and let him live with you.. I do not understand it.. but I have choosen to step back and move out and let go...I want to change things and have told her my feelings and she knows where I stand... I am not sure what the time will be with this new guy and all.. I just cannot believe she just drop everything we had and walked the other direction... Do I keep any form of contact? Or do I just let go and see what takes place? I do care for her very much and her children and know that what we did share and have was something I never experienced before and made a mistake holding out too long...I just would like the opportunity to continue what we built and move forward...I know there is alot of fish in the sea and another perfect woman out there..but it is more than just that.. it is companionship, trust, respect, understanding one another and building that together and we had that we just needed to move to the next step and I waited alittle too long... I just cannot see why she just 180 and split.. we did not end on bad terms except for her deception for the month she keep me in limbo about her other relationship...

I do not know.. My common sense says run away...My head and heart knowing what I felt, what I experienced, what we shared says to give her time and just move forward and if it happens let it happen...

April 12, 2006

This line from your post changes everything:

" I do not know.. My common sense says run away.."

So, then, -you do know.

Listen to your common sense.

-Rio

April 13, 2006

is it really your common sense that says run away or is it the fear of failing again due to the failed marriage?

it took me many years to get over my marriage/divorce and i couldnt committ to several newer relationships because the timing after the divorce and my healing process was not complete. it didnt mean that i didnt care about the new guys i dated, it just meant i still hadnt fixed my wounds yet, and you can not put a due date on healing. you cant give a definete date and time on when your heart will be better.

what you can do is learn. this experience with this woman lead you somewhere, and now you know you are starting to yearn for a stable relationship again because of the feelings you have with this woman.

nothing is stopping you from just going to her and saying that you want your relationship to work, you love her and the kids and you yearn for this family.

if she doesnt feel the same way, so be it. then you can tell yourself that you tried and leave it at that.

unless you dont want those things, and in that case, i dont think you would have cared enough to make this thread.

you are smart and you are a great father. taking the time to properly realise that you healed from your marriage/ divorce and that you arent moving too fast was good for you and your kids and her and her kids too. too many people move too fast and then call it quits because they moved too fast. this hurts everyone involved. im glad you didnt do that.

April 13, 2006

I do not think it is fear of failure...I have not failed yet in my mind or failed at all but the timing was not correct..I admit I should have communicated more clearly with her on the situation..

I will admit that I have not felt as disappointed, hurt, and sad as I had since I heard the "I love you but I am not in love with you" from my ex spouse and seen the deteroization of my marriage and splitting of my family...

I feel I gave this new woman my inner trust and honesty...I did not keep her 1st and neglected it and would of, could of, and should of done a few things differently..But it is too late to rationalize why I did and figure what to do now and moving forward...

I did write her a 32 page letter detailing what I wanted and wanted to commit to with her.. I had several verbal conversations over the phone prior to finding out about this other gentleman.. She told she is doing things for a reason.. be patient.. She told me I was fine with my feelings and she could not give me a date but she would need to meet my mom and all.. And I not sure if she was debating or trying to figure out who to choose or what to do..

I know this guy was not around until recently.. We where together in constant communication and contact until Jan 2006.. And it was not until February that the behavior changed and so forth..

All I keep hearing her saying that her kids love this new guy.. but in my rational is if they have only knew this guy a month and all.. I told her I spent 7 months getting to know the real her and her family.. I did not come in and try to be super dad and all.. I took the approach as with my children and try to fix me and my things before the kids get all involved.. Our kids did get along and all.. but I want and would like to provide a strong relationship between the two of before we brought in the other 6 as they have been through enough...

I know that children just want to be part of a family and see their parents be happy and all.. I am still very hurt by her choice.. But I do and did not own her and she chose what she chose.. I laid my cards on the table and offered her what I was willing.. The issues is that she chose differently.. I so would like to just have a day with her to speak face to face with her.. But she has avoided any contact.. and I have not called..

My hope by her rushing into this relationship that it will not work out... As I know what I could offer and bring to the table for her and her kids.. But part of me says if they are happy than I am happy.. We must love unconditionally and let go..But I know what I felt with her and what we shared that it was more than just the normal thing..I know a thing or 2 about relationships and what my experiences have shown me and taught me...

But at this time I have to step aside and give it time...I do want to be with her and make true on what I offered...I have told her what I have felt and she has chosen to be with the other guy for the time being... tell me she has chosen what she chose for a reason..to trust her.. I wish I understood the reason and she told me it was because it was safe... But I do not get it..

I have not had any communication for a week in email and have not spoke on the phone for 2 weeks..

April 14, 2006

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I do not think it is fear of failure...I have not failed yet in my mind or failed at all but the timing was not correct..I admit I should have communicated more clearly with her on the situation..