teacher Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 My ambivalent ex-boyfriend and were together for 6 months, have been broken up for two. We have been on and off in contact, as he had been sending mixed signals. Four weeks ago, I saw him because he said he missed me, and wanted to see me, so we met up for coffee which lead to us sleeping in the same bed that night. It ended up that he basically wanted to see me without the commitment (which is what he said in so many words) Obviously, I said no way. About two weeks ago, I ran into him on the street and I asked him if he was dating anyone, and he told me he that he has been seeing someone for the past two weeks! I told him I have been out a couple of times with somebody (i wanted him to know that i was moving on) NOW-- he emailed me a couple of days ago to see how I was doing!! I didn't respond... WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO CONTACT US WHEN THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ENDED IT!!!! This guy has a lot of emotional baggage, but everytime I hear from him, i still get that pit in my stomach... This has been a bad day. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO CONTACT US WHEN THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ENDED IT!!!! Because he is trying to keep you on the back burner! It is classic. Avoid this guy like the plague!! You are just going to have to reprogram your brain and heart to think that all of the words he says to you are not true...Its hard to do, and in the mean time, do not have any sort of contact with him!! He is not being genuine. It sounds like he just wants attention. Sorry you have to deal with someone like him. Hang in there!! Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 "Ditto!" 2020 -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Yes granted he could had placed you on the back burner...or maybe not. Don't go giving any one here as gold medal for an opinion and take please take thier advice with a dose of salt.. Opinion is not fact, they don't know the guy and they don't know you...ring him up and ask him outright why he contiues to contact you if you really want to know.. To be sure he has a reasons and it may not neccessarily be a negatives reason like having you on the back burner. Love means taking a risk wether it be the first time round with the same person or another and wether it is the second or third time etc. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Dear Guest, You are obviously a positive-thinker and that is very well and good, -most everyone favors the positive thoughts over the more negative ones. But sometimes, simply choosing to think 'positively' (i.e. putting on the rose-colored glasses) doesn't necessarily do much for grasping the reality of a situation, -we wind up fooling, and hurting ourselves more. I agree that, in some situations, given the overall quality of a relationship and with the true willingness of two people (not just one) who come to a crossroads and find out they do not want to go separate ways, after all, that it can be a good thing to stop, roll up your sleeves and work on putting it all back together. But simply telling yourself that *you* are going to make a relationship work, is not enough. Remember: it takes t-w-o to decide that. Positive thinking is good, generally speaking, -but lying to yourself, well, that's quite another matter. -Rio P.S. Just asking: Are you the same 'Guest' who posted a similar response advocating blind reconciliations in NoFoolin's Guide recently? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Honestly, if someone wants to be on the back burner to wait for the right time, it is ok FOR THEM. One has to do what is right for them; him or her. I had to give up on a relationship that went toxic. I was the back burner, backup, hollerback boy; in the relationship. It took me a few months to fully realize it after a few years. I had weird feelings to get up and go subconsciously. Consciously I was too available, she kept info to herself; and I got to a point I figured it out. Better late than never. It also helped that I "grew up", learned a few things, politics of all things, influencer and influencee; I learned I was the "loser" So I guess politics and influence helped me become single; hopefully NOT forever single. :lmao: Being a back burner person may mean he disrepects you and does not really appreciate you. It may also mean the dumper REALLY misses you and wants to reconcile. It may also be self destructive when you know you are a back buner, you let opportunities pass unknowingly. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Rio- now its my turn... ditto!! Teacher- It ended up that he basically wanted to see me without the commitment (which is what he said in so many words) Obviously, I said no way. Keep thinking this way. To validate your thinking; why would you want to be with someone that is not even willing to commit to you? You are worth more than that! This guy has a lot of emotional baggage Exactly, who wants "damaged goods" anyways?? Guest- I do believe being hopeful is a great quality in a person. And I certainly do not believe that what has happened to me will happen to the people I give advice to. However, I have dealt with a situation almost identical to teacher's. I do not need to know either of them personally to know what type of guy he is.Calling him will only give him the attention he is seeking from her. No man that genuinley loves a woman would put her in the situation he has. Therefore, second, third chances need not apply. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 2020, Well said. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author teacher Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 My take on the whole situation is that he doesn't want me to move on because I am feeding his ego... He likes the attention from me... and now I am not giving it to him... WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T FEED THEIR EGO?? Does this drive them crazy? I hope so, becaus he has definitely driven me crazy in the past with his wishy-washiness! Will he always be this way? He has had rocky past relationships (including cheating on his ex fiance of 3 years) and he is 35! Or am I making this all up in my own head for it to be easier on me? I don't think so, One thing I used to say to him when we were together was "Why do you need so much attention from all these girls?" He had a lot of girl friends. I remember a lot of bad from the rel. but there was also a lot of good that I can't forget! I can't believe he gave it all up... Sometimes I think he knows that he could never be the man I deserve... that I am too good for him... Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 In regards to ego feeding, men and women have similar issues. You got the male version I had the female version. She would call if I didn't call for 3 days straight, strange. She would get upset if I showed interests in someone. When I do spend time, she gives more to keep me interested. It would drive them somewhat crazy but if he has collected all these women, guess what? Not much crazy going on. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 My take on the whole situation is that he doesn't want me to move on because I am feeding his ego... He likes the attention from me... and now I am not giving it to him... WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T FEED THEIR EGO?? Does this drive them crazy? I hope so, becaus he has definitely driven me crazy in the past with his wishy-washiness! Will he always be this way? He has had rocky past relationships (including cheating on his ex fiance of 3 years) and he is 35! You are absolutley right, and at least you can see through his meaningless attempts to get in touch with you. In my experience, When you do not feed their ego by responding or even by acknowledgement, they will pester you and pester you until you show some form of life. Then, all you have to say is so much as a "Hi" and they are relieved and their mission for reaching out to you has been accomplished. He will then not call you anymore and only show up in your life everyonce in a while via text messages, email, and sometimes even calling you. And, if he is with someone else, once you have ignored him, he just bounces back to his significant other for the attention he is craving. He will always be this way until he realizes the error of his ways...but don't hold your breath. With my ex, I was the one who had to stop all contact. And to this day, eventhough he has a girlfriend, he still emails me telling me how he is thinking about me a lot. Pretty soon I am sure he will just go away. Or am I making this all up in my own head for it to be easier on me? I don't think so, One thing I used to say to him when we were together was "Why do you need so much attention from all these girls?" He had a lot of girl friends. No you are not making it up, he is really this needy! My ex ALWAYS hung out with other girls and his "best friend" is as girl! It was soo annoying and it pissed me off because he would cross the line and flirt with almost every one of them. Please note that one of my ex's girl "friends" is now his girlfriend!! Can't really give you any advice on this, however, this is a serious symptom of an attention needy man. I remember a lot of bad from the rel. but there was also a lot of good that I can't forget! I can't believe he gave it all up... Sometimes I think he knows that he could never be the man I deserve... that I am too good for him... There will always be good that you remember, thats why you were in the relationship in the first place! He might not know that he does not deserve you, however, at this time it would be best for you to stop thinking about his thoughts. Unfortunatley we cannot read minds! I believe human nature alone has a way of "weeding out" certain lower humans out of your life, and it happens for a reason! Remember, water seeks its own level... Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 My ambivalent ex-boyfriend and were together for 6 months, have been broken up for two. We have been on and off in contact, as he had been sending mixed signals. Four weeks ago, I saw him because he said he missed me, and wanted to see me, so we met up for coffee which lead to us sleeping in the same bed that night. It ended up that he basically wanted to see me without the commitment (which is what he said in so many words) Obviously, I said no way. About two weeks ago, I ran into him on the street and I asked him if he was dating anyone, and he told me he that he has been seeing someone for the past two weeks! I told him I have been out a couple of times with somebody (i wanted him to know that i was moving on) NOW-- he emailed me a couple of days ago to see how I was doing!! I didn't respond... WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO CONTACT US WHEN THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ENDED IT!!!! This guy has a lot of emotional baggage, but everytime I hear from him, i still get that pit in my stomach... This has been a bad day. Hopefully your day will get better and the days after. Of course you still get a pit in your stomach from the guy who broke it off from you..because you had feelings for him. But I am sure your gut is also telling you loud and clear something is not right. Your ex bf is not the devil, he's not evil or anything like that I hope, but it is going to screw your head up if you maintain contact with him. Even innocent exchange of information will wreck havoc with your mind...creating all kinds of over analyzing. You wanted a relationship with commitant and he didn't. Now maybe in his contacting you he is trying to ease his way back with you, but only you must decide what you truly want. If you want to resume the relationship then be upfront and set the record straight. But if you know this guy is not willing or want to commit...recovering from your breakup is going to be harder on you...NOT HIM. Even analyzing his ego is actually doing you more harm than good and that result just from reading his e-mails. Hey some people believe that not all breakup mean its over. And that's true, but I'm talking about recovery and feeling better and stronger. Please take note, sleeping with someone after they broke it off is a double whammy in the mixed message and screwing up your thinking. Because I honestly believe since you are in a vulnerable state we deceive ourselves by thinking that having sex with the ex, means things will change that it's fixed. No just the opposite...the ex just figures he can still be with you and get the goodies and without being the bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teacher Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 I guess I am having a hard to believing and accepting that there are people out there that actually like my ex! I am having a hard time believing that he is as self-centered as he is... He used to say things to me like "what is wrong with me?" "I don't know what is wrong with me." (this is while we were in the process of breaking up. He even went as far as asking me how he would go about finding therapists... But I don't think he ever pursued it. I know sleeping with him was a mistake (this was after a night of him telling me he might want to get back together) I only did this once, and will not again, trust me! I have kept NC since he informed me that he was dating someone. Everyone thinks he told me this to make me jealous, to keep his power over me. Were his feelings for me genuine? He used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he didn't know what he would do without me... etc. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I guess I am having a hard to believing and accepting that there are people out there that actually like my ex! I am having a hard time believing that he is as self-centered as he is... He used to say things to me like "what is wrong with me?" "I don't know what is wrong with me." (this is while we were in the process of breaking up. He even went as far as asking me how he would go about finding therapists... But I don't think he ever pursued it. I know sleeping with him was a mistake (this was after a night of him telling me he might want to get back together) I only did this once, and will not again, trust me! I have kept NC since he informed me that he was dating someone. Everyone thinks he told me this to make me jealous, to keep his power over me. Were his feelings for me genuine? He used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he didn't know what he would do without me... etc. NEVER listen to anyone who says to you, "What is wrong with you?" You were put on this planet like the flowers, trees, birds, cats, elephants, and ALL things beautiful. A person who says that does not appreciate your beauty. Get it. I'm not talking about your physical I'm talking about your essence! When people say these comments..they are in fact undermining your sense of self worth. Afterall, who is he to question you?. Why give him the power. It's manipulation in it's purest form. Think of someone you love dearly now. Have you ever thought to say that to anyone. "what is wrong with you?" Look beyond the words and understand their intention. People like your ex, because your ex knows when to put on a good face and be charming. But it takes a few rough knocks to realize that charming can sometimes be skin deep. I fall for the charm stuff. You fall for the charm stuf..we all fall for it... Were his feeling genuine...yeah, sure. But that doesn't stop him from having a self-centerd ego, or feeling insecure...so what do insecure people do, they make others feel doubtful about who they are..in order to appear like they got their s**t together. Surround yourself with loving supportive friends and lovers, bf...who don't need to resort to power games. That's why I realize NC is a good thing become it removes you from toxc crap like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teacher Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 N Sync- you misunderstood my post- He used to ask me what is wrong with HIM NOT ME! Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 N Sync- you misunderstood my post- He used to ask me what is wrong with HIM NOT ME! Understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teacher Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Do you either of you have any other insight/words of wisdom? Also, maybe some links I can read? I find that you are able to truly understand the type of guy this is... and your posts really help me! Thanks in advance... advice from anyone else who has been through something similar would be appreciated too! Thanks, having a tuogh week! ;( Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 You are most certainly welcome! Most of my advice comes from my experience and the knowledge I have obtained from it. When reading your posts,it was actually almost scary how similiar your situation is to what I have gone through. So if you need anything else, I am sure I can shed some light! A book that I read, for breakups in general, actually completely changed my outlook on my break up to a positive one. It sounded cheesy to me at first, but it is good. "Its Called A Breakup Because its Broken". I highly recommend it. It makes you laugh too! Below is a link to the website for the book with excerpts and testimonials. http://www.randomhouse.com/broadway/breakup/itscalledabreakup.htm Hang in there, it will get better!! Link to post Share on other sites
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